If It Didn’t Work The 1st Time You Dated, It Probably Won’t Work

Why relationships that didn’t work the 1st time around probably won’t work if you try again.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 28 year old viewer who broke up with his girlfriend because she was rude, disrespectful and dishonest. She immediately begged for another chance. He gave it to her only for her to dump him and say it was his fault. He wonders if she will come back and if she does if it would ever work based upon their history. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “If It Didn’t Work The 1st Time You Dated, It Probably Won’t Work”.

Well, you may have heard me say that people typically don’t change who they are, but they may become a better version of who they are. However, character being destiny, somebody who is a low character person, lies, cheats, dishonesty, deception. They typically just become better at hiding it. You don’t take a patently dishonest person, and all of a sudden they become honest and loyal and faithful. Typically, whatever is modeled for them at home when they’re growing up is what they’re going to grow up to emulate, because that’s the example that was set that becomes their normal.

Typically, women that come from broken homes are extremely difficult to have a good, healthy, normal, monogamous relationship that’s easygoing and she’s easy to get along with. Usually those kind of women that come out of those situations and actually make good partners, it’s only because they did the work on themselves. And since most people tend to major in minor things, very few women from a broken home are willing to do the work that’s necessary on themselves to make themselves good partners.

And a lot of good dudes drive themselves nuts trying to fix those girls, or change them, or save them or make things work. And the reality is, if it didn’t work the first time around, and then you go back or you take her back, everything that turns you off about her, it’s not like it goes away. It’s still there. And a lot of cases where because rejection breeds obsession, the guy’s not really that happy with the girl. He’s not really putting his best foot forward anymore. Then all of a sudden she dumps him, because rejection breeds obsession.

Then he thinks, “Oh, I lost the love of my life. I’ve got to get her back. Coach, can you help me?” And if they get her back, typically, they don’t stay longer than 3 to 6 months max because everything that turned them off initially is still there. And so they get turned off for the same exact reasons, because the girl just is not, she’s not going to change, it just typically doesn’t happen.

And having done this for about 20 years, you just see the same patterns over and over and over and over again. And so you always have to evaluate somebody based upon their character and how they treat you. In other words, you look at their words. I should say, not that you look at the words, you look at their actions. You look at their words and their actions. And if their actions never match their words, that’s a problem. That’s destiny. Character is destiny.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I’m 28 and recently ended a relationship with my 27-year-old ex after a year together. She grew up in a single-parent household mom, has little contact with her biological father.

I mean, right off the bat. Typically what happens is there’s no stable dad. There’s no stable masculine energy to teach her how to be balanced, to teach her how men are supposed to treat women, to teach her how a guy is supposed to behave, how a father, a husband, a partner, a teammate are supposed to behave. And if they’re not there to provide that example, you know, especially if the mother goes through a ton of boyfriends and they’re not the best boyfriends. It’s just you’re asking for a lot of trouble. What I’ve seen in my own life, and what I’ve seen 20 years of doing this is that girls that come from a good home or the most important thing is they love and respect their father.

That is the number one trait that determines whether or not a woman is a good woman. She’s going to be easy going, easy to get along with and nice to you. A woman who’ll make your dick hard and not your life. She’ll defer to your authority because she’s use to deferring to her fathers. But she has to respect her dad. He’s got to be a good guy. He’s got to be the man of the household. He’s got to be the alpha, and he’s got to have his shit together. And if he raised her right and set a good example and has a good relationship with whoever he’s with, then typically the daughter should be pretty good.

Anytime you got a missing father or a bad relationship with a father, I’ve just seen it confirmed thousands and thousands of times over the last 20 years through my clients. Even women that I’ve dated that are a little bit screwed up. It’s just they don’t get better. That’s just reality. Especially guys that have the most problems with women are typically the women that the more broken the home is, the more messed up she is and the more difficult it’s going to be to be with somebody like that. And so there’s two different types of women.

There are women for family, and then there are women for fun and fucking. But you don’t wife them up and you don’t get into a relationship with them unless you’re crazy. Some guys like that, but it’s a bad way to go. Easygoing, easy to get along with and nice to you. The book is not going to fix a messed up girl. It’ll bring out the bad character traits really fast, really quickly if you’re applying the book so you can spot her early, but it’s not going to change a girl who was messed up by her family or the fact that her dad wasn’t around.

Again, it doesn’t mean 100% cases. All women are screwed. That come from a broken home. But the overwhelming majority. It’s just like if you’re going to date strippers, you got a high incidence of drug problems, alcohol problems, dishonesty, disloyalty, and a whole truckload of other issues. I mean, that should be common sense for most people, but common sense isn’t really that common.

I’m 28 and recently ended a relationship with my 27-year-old ex after a year together. She grew up in a single-parent household mom, has little contact with her biological father. Another man in a different country claimed to be father but her mum avoids discussing the topic with her.

Well, that sounds like there’s probably a lack of honesty in the household as well. If that guy is potentially the father and the mother is evasive about it, why would she be evasive? If there’s nothing to talk about it’s just like the answer would be no, right? But instead, she’s evasive. So that just shows a level of deception on the mother’s part. Again, this is who raised her. So if the mother’s dishonest, what typically happens is the girl typically is dishonest, because that’s what’s modeled for her. What you do often you do best. And if you’re doing dishonesty in your family growing up, well, that’s just normal behavior.

And that’s how you’re going to typically interact with the world. I mean, when you look at the prison population, the overwhelming I think it’s like over 80% of the dudes that are in there all come from single parent households where there was no dad. I mean, just statistically, it’s not good for the dudes. Guys growing up without a father. It’s not good for their future. It doesn’t mean that every single guy that grows up without a father is screwed. But if you just look at the prison population having a normal, healthy household, it makes a difference.

She’s had four previous relationships and ended all of them. One of her exes was abusive. We met on Hinge.

And again, if she grew up without dad, she can’t spot the abusive guy until it’s too late. Dad’s not around to protect her.

We met on Hinge in 2023 and dated until late November 2024. The first eight months felt stable, and there were no red flags. Once we officially became exclusive, the problems started.

Well, the one thing that just jumps out at me, it doesn’t look like he’s read the book because if it took eight months for her to want to bring up being exclusive. Then obviously he was doing and saying things that got in the way of her falling deeply, head over heels in love with him. So that’s just one thing that kind of jumps out at me as I’m reading this.

Normally, if you’re applying what’s in the book, women are going to be in love by the end of the second month and wanting to be exclusive and saying things like, “Where is this going? What are we?” Which prompts the, “Well, what are you looking for? What do you want? Are you saying you want to be exclusive? You want to be boyfriend and girlfriend? Why’d you bring it up?” That kind of thing.

When things were good between us, our connection felt strong, affectionate, and meaningful. We went through two abortions and an ectopic pregnancy this year, which bonded us emotionally.

Two abortions, and a pregnancy. Maybe if you’re not trying to have kids, it would probably be a good idea to practice safe sex. But I know, everybody likes to raw dog it. But man, just being so flippant about potentially having a kid, slipping one past the goalie, and just saying, “Oh yeah, we’ll just go abort it. No big deal.” I’d say you should probably reexamine your reasoning there. Because what if she decides to keep the kid? You’re on the hook, dude. You’re on the hook financially, even if you don’t want to participate.

But conflict became a major issue. During disagreements, she would shut down, become dismissive or disrespectful, roll her eyes, walk away mid-conversation, or yell.

Again, that’s what happens when there’s no dad. She’s dealing with her mom most of the time, getting emotional, disrespecting her. Again, that’s learned behavior. That’s a pattern. The only way that gets undone is if she recognizes she’s got an issue and goes to get therapy to work through it. You got to be able to talk things out in a calm and rational manner. If that’s what’s modeled at home, then it’s really easy. If yelling and screaming is what happens at home, well, then that’s what she’s going to do. She’s going to grow up to yell and scream.

I reacted by overcorrecting and walking on eggshells because I never knew what emotional state I’d come home to. I suppressed my own needs to keep the peace.

So you became a people pleaser. You basically turned into a beta male. And then became a rug to her. She treated you like the dirty rug, wiping her feet on you and disrespecting you. Because, again, there was no dad to teach her that the importance of respecting men. One of the quickest ways to turn a guy off is to be disrespectful. Women who are like that constantly. You have got to have a woman that’s easygoing, easy to get along with. Life is hard enough without a woman that comes from a broken home, just bringing all of her trauma and her drama into your relationship.

Again, girls that are raised right, this just shit is a non-issue. It doesn’t happen. You just sit and you talk things out. I encourage you guys that are, if you’re Paying Member, to go to either the YouTube Channel or my Website and watch the Podcast Episode that I did with my English ex-girlfriend, Katie. She was raised in a really good house. Parents are amazing, very successful people, very loving. Had a great, solid relationship. Everybody just talks things out in a calm manner. Never once in the 20 plus years that I’ve known her has she ever once raised her voice at me. We never had a yelling and shouting match.

She just was always nice, always sweet, always bubbly, always playful, looking for a reason to crack a joke. And it was great having her on the Podcast because people could see the face behind the person that I described in the book, but it makes a difference. I once had an ex girlfriend that came from a home where her father died of a drug overdose when she was six. One of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen, ever met in my life. Just anywhere we went, just men were just hypnotized by her beauty. I’d never seen anything like it, but she was extremely difficult to be in a relationship with.

She was very argumentative, very sassy. Could go from being sweet one moment to being just an absolute bitch for no other reason than she woke up on the wrong side of the bed that day. And that’s the way she was. When she got mad, she’d go stew about it, give me the silent treatment, and then want to just show up a few days later and act like the argument never happened, or the disagreement never happened, or whatever it was that triggered her and got her upset. She wouldn’t even reveal or tell me what it was, just, “Oh, I don’t want to talk about. I just want to have fun.”

So she dealt with things by not dealing with them. And when you are used to or spoiled like I have been with the girlfriends I’ve had over my life that are raised properly, that are easygoing, easy to get along with. It’s like I didn’t put up with that shit. I dipped. Because again, it was just not fixable. Her mother never dated, never had any boyfriends after the husband died or the father of her kids died. And then on top of that, she had an older, mentally ill brother who she was in constant chaos and conflict with. And so they hadn’t, you know, when I was dating her, they hadn’t spoken in several years.

They were estranged and they did not get along. And so if that’s your only male role model, is your older mentally ill brother, and all you do is have drama and arguments, it’s like that’s her reality. That’s all she knows. She never saw anything else. So what could you possibly expect? Katie’s case, mom and dad bump heads on something they just sit and they talk it out in a calm and loving manner. And they kiss and they make up afterwards. It’s just not a big deal. But the effect on both those girlfriends is night and day. And I just seen that over and over for 20 years.

It’s like guys applying what’s in the book properly and the woman’s acting like a screwball. I just start asking him to tell me a little bit about her background, where she comes from, and he just sees the same pattern over and over. Another girl from a broken home. And because the guy’s emotionally invested and he really loves her and he really cares about her, he’s driven by his emotions. He just looks past all the red flags. Because again, we make our decisions based on our emotions, and then we use logic and reason to justify that even when the person is abusive to us. Because again, our emotions override rationality.

Things escalated to the point where I had a mini panic attack during an argument, and instead of comfort, she responded with irritation.

Again, a woman who was raised right is just going to talk to you calmly. She’s not going to try to provoke you or piss you off because she was raised right. Again, a woman from a broken home is going to behave like this girl does.

The final breaking point was when she lied about her whereabouts while sick. I confronted her calmly, but she minimized and avoided accountability.

Well, so there’s the deviousness of the deception that she learned from her mother. Remember when I was talking earlier about how the mother’s real evasive when she’s like this other dude, her father, she just changes the subject and won’t talk about it. So obviously something is there. But this is what the daughter learned from the mother. So this is what she does. You got a problem with her and especially if it’s something she’s guilty of, she’s going to minimize it.

She’s going to avoid accountability. Try to turn it around, blame it on you, say it’s your fault or you’re being unreasonable, or you’re being controlling or whatever and try to make you wrong. When in reality she’s a screwball. If she’s lying about her whereabouts, well, she’s a liar. You’re not going to fix that. She’s an adult now.

After months of repeated patterns and empty apologies.

So in other words, her words interactions never matched.

I ended the relationship. Her response was explosive. She told me she hated me, blamed me for her trauma.

Just like a narcissist would.

Pushed me out of her house, then called me fifteen times afterward. The next day she begged, cried, apologized, and promised therapy. I still cared and agreed to reconcile, even though friends and family warned me not to. After we got back together, something shifted. She became distant, stopped initiating plans, and said she couldn’t get past “having to beg.” She reframed the breakup as protecting her mental health and made my anxiety reaction seem like the problem.

Well, I mean, at the end of the day, dude, you’re a man, and it’s not a woman’s job to deal with your anxieties, your insecurities, your fears. Vomiting those at a girl, “Oh, I’m anxious”, or “I’m this kind of avoidant or this.” It’s like, attachment styles, it’s like, no. As a man, you’ve got to exercise self control whether you like it or not. You’ve got to be calm and rational and talk things out. If you got anxiety issues, go get a therapist yourself and deal with them. Don’t get into a disagreement with your girl and go, “Oh, you’re triggering my anxieties.” It’s like, give me a fucking break, dude, you’re not a child.

It’s your job to self-regulate your emotions. And if you can’t do that, there are people that can help you with that. So if that’s a problem, go seek a therapist psychologist in your country and your city that can help, that’s qualified to help you with those things. But don’t ever have a disagreement with a woman and go, “Oh my anxieties.” You sound like a little boy who can’t control his emotions. Women like confidence. Masculinity is calm, and when you lose your shit and you get all emotional, you’re acting like a woman. So that’s going to turn her off.

So I suspect after you guys got back together, your behavior kind of changed. You’re probably a little nice, a little extra soft, a little extra squishy, and therefore you were unwilling to stand up for yourself and what you believed in. Because, as you said earlier, you were always walking on eggshells. But the reality is, is that we’re still dealing with the issue that you came from a broken home and her behavior is abnormal.

I didn’t agree with ending things, but she wouldn’t meet in person and had already made up her mind. It felt abrupt and almost like an emotional reversal to regain control.

It’s possible. At the end of the day, she dumped you because her emotions and feelings were gone. Maybe before you dumped her. Because another thing women will do is if they know they don’t want to be with you anymore, they’ll make you so miserable in hopes that you dump them. And when that doesn’t happen, then they dump you. And so it’s possible she might have been trying to make you miserable on purpose, so you would break things off with her. And once you did it, roughed up her ego. Then she begged for you back.

And then she dumped you because deep down, she knew she didn’t have her shit together and you’re gonna probably reject her again down the road. So she was like, well, I better reject him before he does it to me again. Again, this woman is not normal because of her upbringing. And that’s not your fault. It’s not your job to fix her or to save her, or to resolve her issues that she had in childhood. At this point, you’re not going to fix a dishonest, disloyal woman who’s lying about her whereabouts. You’re just not.

Now I’m grieving and replaying everything. Part of me wonders if she’ll reach out again once emotions settle.

Flip a coin. It could go either way.

And part of me fears going back would repeat the same unhealthy cycle.

Well, if you did go back to her, what’s changed? Nothing. She’s still the same. Did she go get a therapist and had a metamorphosis in therapy? Probably not. And again, she said it’s all your fault. So if it’s all your fault, well, there’s nothing to fix on her side, so of course she’s not going to fix herself. She doesn’t see there’s anything wrong with it. And the reality is there’s such an overwhelming number of beta males, there’ll be ten other dudes lining up behind you that’ll probably put up with her shit until she drives them crazy and drives them away as well.

My question is, will she likely return based on this pattern?

50/50 shot.

And if she does, is reconnecting ever a wise decision, or is maintaining No Contact and letting go the healthiest long-term choice?

Well, again, unless she’s had an epiphany and recognizes she needs professional help, then goes and seeks it, you’re not going to fix that. What will happen is she’ll probably be nice for a few weeks and then she’ll go right, the abuse will start all over again. That’s what I’ve seen just thousands and thousands of times. It’s possible she’s the exception and gets help, but even your family’s like, bro, just she’s got to go. So if your whole family is like. And then you take her back, what do you think they’re going to say? They’re gonna be like, we told you it’s going to happen again.

And so in what I’ve seen in my work, having done this for about 20 years, is like, she’ll do the same shit she was doing before. She might be good for a little while, but she’ll blow her top. And she’ll treat you the same way, and then it’ll end the same way. As Maya Angelou said, “When somebody shows you who they are, tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” So I don’t see this as fixable. But if you want to beat your head against the wall and you want to drive your family crazy, then you can give her another shot. But if it was me, I’d be moving on. But it’s your life. You do you.

If she does come back, I’d be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. But like I said, it’s unless she addresses her issues, again, the thing with the dishonesty and lying about where she’s at, if you take her back you just validated that that’s okay, because you’ll forgive it. So what’s her motivation to be honest? The only thing that changes women like this is losing good guys like you. Realizing that their dishonesty and disloyalty it doesn’t bode well. Guys don’t stick around. But again, with all the betas out there, though, somebody will put up with that shit. Even though they’ll be miserable.

It’s like let some other poor sucker deal with her. You’ve got access to the book and all these other tools that I give you. You should be in an easy and effortless relationship. Again, go watch the videos with Katie and you can see what a good woman who’s raised right how she is. She’s sweet as pie. You can still see the chemistry, tremendous amount of chemistry that we have between us after all these years. That’s a soul connection. That’s just not something that comes along every day. And so I’m happy that we have that. And we got that on video. So you guys can go check that out. Again, it’s in the Members Area if you’re a Paying Member.

And if you’re not if you go to the description of this video there are links to join the Premium Membership on YouTube or Spotify or my Website, UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there on my Website and you can do a seven day free trial to check out all the content you get for your money. And if you choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the seven day free trial.

And if you’ve got a question or a challenge, or maybe you got a messy situation like this and you’d like to get my opinion because you’re all up in your feelings and your emotions, and it’s hard to determine what’s right and what’s wrong and what you should do. Go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “coaching” tab and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.