If She Didn’t Respect You Before The Breakup She Probably Won’t With A 2nd Chance

Why she probably still won’t respect you or your boundaries if she gets a 2^nd chance.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who dumped his ex 5 months ago. He’s moving to another state and broke no contact to give her stuff back. She didn’t respect him or the boundaries he set around other men. Now he’s all up in his feelings and considering giving her another chance in addition to dating and sleeping with other women. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “If She Didn’t Respect You Before The Breakup She Probably Won’t With A 2nd Chance”.

So this particular email is from a viewer who dumped his ex five months ago, and now he’s moving to another state. And the reason he dumped her is that she just didn’t respect his boundaries around other men. There was always kind of shady stuff going on. So he dumped her. He’s now moving to another state. He’d been hanging out, having fun and hooking up with other ladies.

And so, of course, he finds some stuff that belongs to her. And he’s like, “Well, this is really important stuff. You know, sentimental things.” So he texted her where she could get her stuff. And then, of course, a couple days later, he finds stuff that belongs to her kids. So he texts her about that.

They end up hanging out, and now he’s moved and considering potentially getting back together, which is just kind of nutty. Because sometimes, or more often than it should happen, guys are dating a broken woman and thinking, “Well, I’ve got this book. It works so well with everything else I can fix a broken woman with Corey’s book.” It’s like, no, you can’t. You’re not going to undo the bad parenting that her father did.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I broke things off with my ex about five months ago. I’ve read and listened to your book well over 15 times and when it’s been a couple of months or just taking a road trip alone, I listen to it. I broke it off with my ex after four and a half years because she didn’t appreciate me, didn’t respect me.

Probably because she doesn’t respect her father. So she doesn’t respect men in general. And so no amount of jumping through your butt is going to make her respect you.

And her boundaries with men in general, she was often evasive and non-transparent.

Well, dude, that’s a deal breaker. She’s evasive and non-transparent. Not honest. Liar. Probably a cheater. Who knows? You know she’s got unhealthy boundaries with men. Again, that’s typically indicative of a woman that was raised without her father. So even if she’s in a relationship, she invites attention from other men.

And it’s, you know, in other words, even though she’s taken, you know, it’s like, uh, the old saying, everything is for sale at the right price. So, in other words, for her, she’s always for sale at the right price or the right opportunity. She was never fully 100% in. Granted, he wasn’t familiar with my work when he met her and started dating her, but it sure looks like as we get to the end of this email that he’s thinking about going down memory lane with this chick and doing long distance with her.

Because he’s a little emotionally attached to her kid who he had a good relationship with, which is understandable. But it’s still not going to solve her character, her low character issues.

My beta male behavior in the prior years just made things super difficult. If people watching you take anything away from your work, it’s you have to really get it right in the beginning, it’s so difficult to undo that learned behavior, I taught her it was okay to treat me in a less than great way. 

Well, again, if you get back together with her, then you just validated that she can do all the bullshit she did before and then some. Because no matter what, you’ll still give her another chance. Whatever you tolerate, you invite more of. And so you’re basically saying that you’re willing to tolerate this behavior. Because in all this time you’ve been following me, you’ve tried to set the healthy boundaries, and it just didn’t matter.

She kept violating them. If you take her back, she’ll just do it again. Because again, you took her back despite all the violation of the boundaries. So why would she think any different? That you’re just too soft and squishy not to give any pushback. And at the end of the day, you’ll still forgive her.

Yes, I was soft and squishy and didn’t come across your work until a couple of years into the relationship. She’s a single mom and the kids and I were close. Our breakup was messy, and I could have done better there. Since the breakup, I really got serious about my life. Enrolled in a Tony Robbins coaching program. Hit the gym four plus times a week and am seeing results. My confidence is absolutely increasing, especially seeing my gains. It’s important to note, that around the time of our breakup I was laid off from work.

I received a nice severance package and have money in savings. So I was able to take my time and look for the right job that was a good fit for me. Which I did find. Ending things for good with her just felt amazing. A couple of weeks after the breakup, I went out and had a one night stand. I wasn’t in a hurry to really date any women as I was focusing on myself and my non-romantic social life. Setting goals and working towards them. Setting a standard for myself to live by. Having your shit together is empowering and freedom.

Well, freedom is really being able to spend your life in your own way. That’s real, true success and freedom.

I know this is getting long so I’ll give the short version. I did start dating again but this time I just showed up as myself. I avoided first dates at nice restaurants and usually just met the ladies for a few drinks at places. Being my authentic self, talking how I wanted to talk. Taking time to listen to them on first dates and honestly after 20 years in the Navy, I have some interesting and funny stories that aren’t this, “Look what I did, see how cool I am.” Just funny and entertaining. 

Well, if you were in the Navy, it’s definitely understandable. It can be a freak show.

Soon dating just became easier and lately, second dates are usually at my place. Women trying to lock me down and I tell them, I’m not getting into a committed relationship with anyone. I was interviewing for a job that I would have to relocate 1,000 miles away for. The ladies were fine with it and I soon had to put boundaries in place with them coming over. 

Yeah, you can’t have different women running into each other. You’ve got to have appointments.

They ladies kept coming back and were coming with dinner and drinks and wanted to hang out, have fun and hook up themselves. I was offered the position, and the company pretty much agreed to the terms I set during the interview process, to include a sign on bonus to help cover the moving expenses and then some. As I was packing and getting ready to move, I found some things of my exes.

Well, for those of you that are in a situation like that, I highly recommend you read Mastering Yourself because you’ll learn a lot about negotiation there. Which is going to help you a lot in the business world, and it’ll help you with ladies. Because you don’t get what you deserve in life, you only get what you negotiate.

As I was packing and getting ready to move, I found some things of my exes. Some items she was storing at my place when we were together, and I knew they were important keepsakes for her.

Well, what I would have done is I would have just packed all those things up in the corner. And once you left town, “Hey, left your stuff in some boxes in the back porch, you know, come pick them up this weekend.” But I suspect what was really going on is he knew those things were there all along, and in the back of his mind he was like, “Well, if I never hear from her, at least I can contact her about these things and have a reason to talk to her.” That’s what it looks like to me. Because if he was truly done, he would have given her all of her bullshit back five months earlier. I seriously doubt he’s like, “Oh gee, I forgot those boxes were there.” I find that hard to believe.

Like something that belonged to her dad, who passed away a long time ago. I was no contact with her and texted her a picture of the items. Told her I would leave them outside for her. We exchanged texts and I told her I was getting ready to move and if I came across anything else I’d let her know. That’s how I would want to be treated if the roles were reversed.

You were just looking for a reason to contact her to see if she was still interested.

She asked where I was moving too, and I didn’t reply. A couple of weeks go by and as I’m starting to clear out my home and stage things for the moving truck coming, I found some memorabilia of her kids. I knew she wanted them and again, reached out and made arrangements for her to come get them. Again, she asked where I was moving too and this time I responded. I was leaving in a few days, name of the city, 1,000 miles away. Next thing I know she’s at my house and gives me a hug and places herself in my arms to hold her.

Uh huh.

She’s apologizing, crying, explaining. Just wow.

Sounds like he’s like he lapped it all up. “Oh, she’s totally changed Corey. I used your book and it fixed her.” Yeah.

I listened and simply responded that I didn’t want things to end either, it wasn’t what I wanted. No explanations why or any “you did this, so I had to”. I wasn’t bitter or angry. Honestly, I’m living life and crushing it. She spends the next couple of days helping where she can with my move. She’s calling and texting me constantly and any reason she can come by the house she does. Her, her kid that I’m very close with and me go out to lunch together.

Well, you used to be close to him because you hadn’t seen him in five months.

Then she has me over for dinner at her place, just us. We had about 45 minutes until the kids would be home. We even cuddled a bit on the couch.

He’s excited about a couch cuddle. Ah. Dude’s high on his own supply.

The morning I was leaving she was up and wanted to see me prior to heading out. She made me breakfast and delivered it to me. It’s pretty clear I think that she wants something with me so I told her, hey come out and visit me next month. She said she would. I also have women I’ve been talking to in my new city and as you can guess, I have dates lined up. So here we are long distance. We’ve briefly spoken about how things could work if we get back together. 

Dude, what the hell are you thinking?

Both our jobs are flexible, and I can realistically travel to her once a month and spend a week there and work from her house and she could come here and spend a long weekend with me when the kids are with their dad. 

So what about all the trust issues and her not setting healthy boundaries with other men? You think she’s going to respect those boundaries when you’re a thousand miles away? Come on, man, you’re fucking delusional. She didn’t respect him when you were in town. And now you expect when you’re a thousand miles away, that she’ll respect your boundaries. She’s just telling you what you wanted to hear Dude.

You spent all these years with her she didn’t change. It’s like you’re not going to fix her low character. You’re not going to fix the fact that even though she supposedly was in a relationship with you, she was still inviting attention from other men. I would expect that condition to worsen when you move a thousand miles away, because she’s going to get lonely. Remember, you didn’t hear a peep out of her for five whole months, and the only reason you started talking again was because you reached out to her.

Because more than likely, deep down, you held on to the stuff that she had there, and you only released half of it to see her once. And then you released the second half when you, “Oh, look, I found some memorabilia.” I find that hard to believe. I think you’re bullshitting yourself and you’re bullshitting us. But you do, you boo boo. It’s your life. You’ve got to live with these consequences.

She’s tested me a couple of times to see if I could meet her somewhere first but, even though I’m the one who broke things off with her, I want to see her be consistent with her effort and put in the effort as well.

Good luck with that dude.

Her lack of effort in the relationship was one of the reasons I ended things with her.

Well, you have givers and you have takers. And if she wasn’t a giver, she’s a taker and you’re not going to fix that with my book.

She does 90% plus of the calling and texting.

Why are you reaching out to this woman at all?

Since I moved, she’s made it a point to FaceTime me pretty much every day. Every time the conversations get a little too deep, I just say, “Hey let’s keep things going as they are right now and talk about these things when you come”.

So he’s talking to her all seriously, but he didn’t even hook up with her before he left town it sounds like. Unless staying the night, he just left that part out.

I’ve made mention of a few things we can check out when she comes, and she seems excited by that. I’m careful to just keep taking small, measured steps and gage her consistency. She knows I’m probably seeing other women here and asked that I just give her a “heads up” if I start to see someone consistently. I just chuckled and left it ambiguous for her. When she comes to visit should I even have a conversation about us being back together?

No fucking way. 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back lays out that you’re just supposed to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun, hook up. I’d wear a raincoat. If she wants to come visit, great. I’d let her do 100% of the reaching out. And she can come visit you when she’s up to it. And if she complains and says you never visit her, I’d say, “Well, I want to see that your behavior actually changes and is consistent.” Because if it doesn’t, it’s not going to work anyways and it doesn’t matter.

And you should keep dating other women so you can find somebody that lives in your city that actually shares the same goals and values and isn’t fucking violating your boundaries. But five months has gone by. You’re missing her. You’re in love with the fantasy of who you wish she was, and you’re completely ignoring reality and now you think you’re going to fix her because you’ve got my book. So again, it’s it doesn’t fix broken women. But if you want to try and you want to beat yourself over the head with a hammer, you go, right ahead. You do you boo boo.

I’m planning on keeping her visit just about having fun and being my authentic self. As you’ve said many times this is difficult because I really do love her, we’ve traveled the world together and have a lot of memories we’ve made together.

Yeah, but at the end of the day, she’s a low character human, and you’re not going to fix that. If you want to try, you know, good luck. Send us an email in a couple of years. Let us know how that turns out. Or in a few months once it goes sideways again.

Meanwhile, one of the other women I was seeing before I left wants to fly in for a weekend and visit me.

Any advice on how to proceed from here?

Well, let any of these girls you’re willing to hang out and have fun and hook up with, have them come see you. And I would invest more time in the women that now live locally instead of like a thousand miles away. I wouldn’t want to be dealing with that shit. It’s like, come on, dude. It’s like you’re kind of stuck in the past and you’re thinking that you’re going to fix her with the book, and it’s just not going to work, dude. This woman was difficult. She never made the effort consistently, and on top of that, she violated boundaries and did shady things with other guys, so.

And, you know, I see this sometimes. I did a phone session recently with a guy that his girlfriend, they broke up because his girlfriend was cheating on him. And now he’s like, “Well, I was a beta male before, but now I got your book.” I was like, dude, you’re not going to change her. She may be loyal and faithful to you if your game is tight and you’re always perfect and you keep her in love. But as soon as you slip up, that guy that she hooked up with, she supposedly blocked everywhere. She’ll just unblock him and reach back out to him and start talking to him again behind your back like she did the first time.

So I’ve been doing this 20 years, and I just see the same patterns over and over and over again. But you know, guys want to give it the old college try. You know, if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always got. If it was me, I’d be excited about the new place and meeting the ladies there. And if you had some good women from back home that want to come visit, invite them to come visit, hang out, have fun and hook up. I wouldn’t be investing any energy or any time pursuing this woman at all, even if she bitches and complains.

She violated your trust. And you’re being a little crazy, in my opinion, for trying to give her a chance to win you back. But if you’re down to do that, let her do all the reaching out. And if she complains about you not reaching out, just say, “Well, you’ve got to show me something. You know, we had a lot of talks about this when we were still together, and you promised to do things, and then you would just go back on your word. So, you know, how am I to think anything different, that maybe you’ll just be nice for the time being until you think you’re, you know, everything’s good between us.

And then you’ll just revert right back to the way you were before, doing all that inappropriate behavior that led to me dumping you the first time.” But again, this is your life. If you want to do that, that’s on you. Follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Let her do all the reaching out. But I seriously doubt she’s going to change. People don’t change who they are. They may become a better version. In other words, in her case, she becomes better at hiding it. But it’s just delusional to think, you know, as good as the book is, you’re just not going to fix a broken woman with low character. But if you want to try. God bless you.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.

If you haven’t already signed up for my Exclusive Premium Members Only Content in the video description is video, there are links to join on YouTube, or you can join on Spotify or our Website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there. And the good news is with my Website, you can do a seven day free trial to check out the extensive library of additional content that you get for being a Premium Member. And if you choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the seven day free trial. So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “plans” tab, sign up for a seven day free trial for a Premium Membership. And until next time, I will talk to you soon.