If Women Are Standoffish While Socializing It’s Your Vibe, Level Of Joy & Openness

Why it’s important to do social activities you enjoy & have fun at.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who recently moved to a new city and says he goes to bars and nightclubs to meet new women. He says they’re often standoffish towards him, but the guys are open and friendly. This also happened when he was in college.

He clearly feels uncomfortable around women and is too worried about what other people think about him. I tell him what to do instead. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy who’s in his mid 20s. He says he recently moved to a new city, so obviously he probably doesn’t know anybody there or very few people there. He’s been going out to bars and nightclubs to meet people, and he gets along pretty well with the dudes that he meets, but he notices that the girls that the guys meet are kind of standoffish towards him. Sometimes he’s trying to open them up and just talk and get to know them a little bit and they’re just not very forthcoming. He said he also noticed that this kind of happened in college as well. So he says the reason that he goes to bars and nightclubs is because well, there’s pretty girls there.

So I talk about this quite often, usually in the live streams. Almost every time we do a live stream, somebody’s asking a question like this. Something that’s really important to understand is you’re going to be most attractive when you’re really happy. You feel great, you feel optimistic about your life, things are moving in the right direction, and you’re really enjoying the activity that you’re into. Now, if you don’t like going to bars and nightclubs, but the only reason you go there is because your attitude is, “Oh, that’s where I need to go to meet pretty girls,” but you’re not having fun in that environment. It’s going to be very hard for you to meet anybody, because it’s going to be all over your face that you’re just not having a good time.

This is why it’s really important to lose yourself in your hobbies and your interests, and the things that you really enjoy doing for fun. If you like going to bars and you like going to nightclubs, and you go with people that also like going there, you’re going to have a better experience, but if your only reason for going and doing these things again is to meet women, you’re already in the wrong kind of mindset that you need to be in, because you want to be relaxed. You want to be in a good mood. You want to be smiling. You genuinely want to be happy.

The other thing you have to consider is this guy’s in his 20s, and I remember what it was like back then. You still are kind of getting away from that kind of cliquish type of vibe and attitude that people in high school and college tend to have, and they usually have it kind of in their early 20s. They’re worried about what everybody else thinks. So if you’re young and you’re hanging out and you’re noticing that you’re not kind of part of the group, that’s going to be understandable just because you don’t know those people. So it’s going to take some time to create rapport. If you’re going to hang out with the same people over and over, things will get better with you, but if you’re going out every weekend and you’re meeting random people that you don’t know, that’s going to kind of be par for the course. So it’s important that whatever you do for your social life and for fun, it’s something that you actually enjoy. You’re not doing it just because there’s lots of women there.

The other thing to consider is that you want to put yourself in positions where you’re outnumbered, because if you’re one of a handful of guys and you’re in an event mostly where women like going to a yoga class or a Pilates class, especially if you’re into health and physical fitness, then just being a regular guy that goes there, I mean, you’re going to be outnumbered. So while you’re in breaks or before class or after class, any women that are single there, it’s pretty easy to chat them up, especially because there’s very few guys there. Also when they see that you’re really struggling with yoga, because it’s not easy and you can make fun of yourself, the fact that you just can’t really twist yourself into a pretzel, like obviously a lot of the girls can, but you can have a lot of fun. Any kind of environment, if you go somewhere where there’s more women than dudes, then you’re going to do better.

Like even now, what’s interesting is like when you look at college, more often than not, there’s more women at college than there are guys. So just by proximity, the odds are going to be in your favor. If you’re talking to one girl, then other women see that. Even if she’s a mediocre, attractive girl, like the article I did many years ago, How To Get Women To Approach You First, which is also referenced in 3% Man, I talk about that, you want to stand in a high traffic area. Again, I go into detail in the article. I’m not going to go through all that here in the video. The basic gist of it is that you want to stand in a high traffic area, especially if you’re at a party or you’re at a bar. Like when I was in high school and even through college. What do we usually do? We did keg parties. So just hanging out around the keg, if there’s one or two kegs and everybody there has to drink from the keg or where all the liquor bottles are, you can be a bartender, especially with a keg. You’re pumping the keg up and everybody comes up. You can pour the beer to them. The girls come over. “Hey, what are you girls up to tonight?” I mean, you can use the same opener with all of them, and because they come over to you and you’re chatting to them, they have to come back for drinks. You’re in a high traffic area. It creates the conditions where it’s just like a natural way to talk to people.

Now, if you’re out in a bar or in a public place hanging out by the bar where everybody’s got to come to get drinks, you camp out there with your buddies, you focus on each other and you have a good time, the whole point is to make each other laugh and have a good time. You will notice that, especially if you go there, even if you’re getting approached by the average women that are there, not the really hot ones, you’ll notice over the course of 30 to 45 minutes as everybody walks by, the girls walk by, and you guys are joking, laughing, and having a good time. In the corners you have all the dudes that got their hands in their pocket and they’re holding their drink in front of their chest, they don’t look like they’re having a good time. They went out because they wanted to meet girls, but they stand in the corner and they look weird and creepy, and all the women avoid them, but if you and your buddies are focused on each other and making each other laugh, that’s the same vibe that guys who already have women in their lives, they’re not single, they’re not looking for anything, they’re not really even paying attention to what’s going on around them. They’re having a good time with each other. As the girls walk by and you guys are laughing and having a good time together, they’re going to look into your group and look for an opening like, “Hey, what are you girls up to?” And you can raise your glass up, cheers their glass. “Where are you guys headed tonight? You guys look like you’re getting into trouble. What are you doing?” It’s very easy to talk to them.

If they’re not that attractive and you don’t really want to talk to them that long, maybe you talk for two or three minutes and you go, “Hey, it was great chatting with you guys. Maybe we’ll bump into each other later. I’m going to get back to my friends.” Then you do that, but every group of girls that walk by, you stop, you chat with them, and then you’ll notice the hot women that are sitting at other tables around, you will notice that every group of women that walks by tends to stop and hang out for a few minutes, and from their perspective, it looks like you know everybody and you know a lot of girls. So that gives you social proof. Even though you don’t know any of these women, if you’re chatting them up, you’re being friendly, and then you’re politely saying, “Hey, I’m going to get back to my friends,” and then they move on, what you’ll notice is the hotter women will start coming over and walking by your group again. That’s detailed in the article How To Get Women To Approach You First. There’s three different methods that I lay out in that article where if you do that, you give off that vibe because guys that are taken, what are they doing? They’re not looking for women. They already have enough, and they’re focused on just having a good time with their friends. Then the women that are walking by, they’re the ones that have to get the guy’s attention, because they’re basically the only dudes in the place that aren’t trying to talk to anybody, aren’t trying to talk to the women that are there, and that’s a completely different vibe than everybody else that’s in the place that’s single and looking to meet somebody. So you want to work smarter, not harder.

So let’s go through this guy’s email because again, it’s really important that you’re having a good time when you’re out. Even if you’re hanging out at a buddy’s, he invites you over to watch hockey, or recently we had the Olympics, we just finished up football season, you got basketball in a couple months, the playoffs are going to be starting, like when you have college ball. So typically when you get into your mid to late 20s and early 30s, a lot of people or friends that you grew up with are getting married or they’re having kids and anybody that’s had kids or has been a dad, been a stepdad like yours truly, what you usually do when you got kids is you want to get together with other couples that got kids so the kids can play with each other. Then the adults can drink, smoke, have a good time and enjoy themselves, but while also keeping their eyes on their kids. So everybody would get together at a house, and you might have 20, 30 people there with kids and adults and everybody’s having a good time. So if you’re hanging out at a place like that, again, you want to be having a good time, because when you are enjoying yourself, you’re going to be smiling, you’re more outgoing, you feel comfortable, you feel relaxed, you feel chill, and women can sense that. They can feel that. If you don’t know anybody, you’re apprehensive, you don’t feel good, and you’re a little standoffish, women are going to pick up on that as well.

So it’s important that whatever you do socially, you’re doing things that are fun. If you love rock climbing, I did a success story from a guy a few months back that he had just had a breakup, he loves rock climbing, and he has a group that he meets with a couple times a week, and it’s the same people over and over. One day he was thinking, “You know what? Let’s mix it up a little bit. I’m going to go to a different time and climb with a completely different group of people.” He meets a girl there who he’s never seen before and they hit it off. So they end up climbing together and spotting each other as they’re going up and down the walls and stuff like that and climb. Then afterwards they go for a walk and like a hike, and then they end up having sex by a stream and kind of the wilderness, which is really cool. Then he ended up dating that girl. That’s how they met. He just changed up. He loves doing that. He meets a girl there. They clicked. They liked each other. Remember, people that like the same things tend to like each other. So whatever you do, it’s important that you’re really enjoying it and really having fun.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’m in my early–mid 20s and recently moved to a new city. I’ve been going out to bars and nightclubs to meet new people and build a social circle while applying the principles from your book. Sometimes I go out alone, I’m sociable, relaxed, and just focused on having a good time.

One thing I’ve consistently noticed is that the guys I meet are usually more receptive and friendly. We’ll hit it off, joke around, and exchange contacts. But when women join the group either girls they know or random girls around the venue, usually not all the time but often they seem somewhat standoffish.

Well, that’s totally because of your vibe. I can understand. When I was young and I didn’t have a lot of experience, I noticed, like one of my close friends who was always good with the ladies, even in high school, is that he was always telling stories. He was always cracking jokes. He was usually the one doing most of the talking. He was very confident. Sometimes if a group of girls came over and they weren’t really polite, they weren’t really friendly, or he would say something and it would go over like a lead balloon and they would get like, “Oh, what?” They would get upset, he’d be like, “What? No kiss?” He would say it like that, and he never let it bother him. Usually he would get a laugh out of it. Even if they later walked away, they were always friendly when they came back by.

So the thing that I noticed with him early on when we were younger is that he just didn’t let it bother him or get under his skin. In other words, he wasn’t diminished in any way because his whole mindset when he goes out and even to this day, all these decades later, his attitude is, “I want to have a good time no matter what we do and where we go.” He wants to have a good time and he’s the life of the party. If somebody’s got a bad attitude, he’s going to break their balls about it and tease them about it. So it’s important to have a good kind of attitude and have good comebacks like that.

Not like they think I’m weird or creepy, but more like there’s no genuine interest or curiosity in the interaction.

Like I said in the beginning of the video, you’re in your 20s and you got to understand people your age, especially if they’re in a group where they know each other and they grew up together, there’s going to still be some of that cliquish type of vibe where you’re an outsider, they don’t know you. Even though you’re friendly with the dudes, the girls are going to be like, “Well, who is this guy? Who does he know?” And that kind of goes away, especially when you get into your 30s and your 40s, people don’t care as much about that. When you’re a teenager in your 20s, that’s still kind of a thing. So you got to take that into consideration. At the end of the day, you should take a sincere, authentic interest in other people. “Hey, where are you girls from? Do you guys all grow up together? How do you know each other?” Those are the kind of questions you want to ask.

So if you’re having a good conversation with the dudes and a bunch of girls, come over, it’s like, oh, how do you guys know each other? You’re like, oh, we grew up together. Oh, yeah. Really? Where did you meet? In high school. Elementary school. And just ask them questions. Get them to talk about their history and how they know each other. And they’ll be like, well, what about you? It’s like, well, I just met them tonight. I just moved here. I’ve been in town for a couple months. I moved here for work, so I’m just out having a few drinks, making some new friends and just simple things like that. Not, you know, you don’t have to have great pickup lines. It’s good to have some stories and some jokes and some things that are funny and some better, more playful comebacks. Like like I said once, my buddy always, always used back when he was single, before he got married. And obviously I’ve stolen and be like, what? No kiss? Well, the look on your face like that kind of half joking, half kind of serious, and he always gets a laugh and it lightens, lightens the mood. So that’s something that’s important, especially if you get some negative feedback. Never let it bother you. Always assume that the other person is doing it in jest and they’re just breaking your balls.

I noticed the same pattern back in college at parties. I’d try to ask questions, get them talking, and open them up, but it often felt one-sided. Meanwhile, the guys were always more engaged and easygoing.

The other part of it is that you just got to rehearse this enough. You have to do it enough. If you don’t feel comfortable, that’s the thing you gotta understand about women, is that they really pick up on these things. They can tell when you’re having a good time and you’re open, and they can also tell when you’re kind of apprehensive and you’re not very comfortable. I commend you for the fact that you don’t know anybody and yet you’re going out to have a good time. That’s the important thing. You’re choosing ahead of time to go out and have fun and let the chips fall where they may.

Remember, repetition is the mother of skill. Excellence is not a singular act. It’s a habit. You are what you do repeatedly, but the reality is, not everybody’s going to like you. Not everybody’s going to want to talk to you. Sometimes you’re going to meet a group of dudes and you’re going to click with them. Then a group of three or four girls might come in, and two or three of the girls are nice and friendly, but one of them is just kind of an ass to you. So you’re going to have that sometimes, and always a good thing to break her balls with her friends, especially if she’s not very friendly. You can look at her girlfriends like, “Is she always this friendly? Is she always this nice?” With a smirk on your face.

I know you say bars and clubs aren’t the best environments to meet women…

Well, especially nightclubs, because you basically got to yell. The only time I ever went to nightclubs, typically when we would go out, we’d go to like an ale house or something like that, where it’s kind of low key. Maybe you got a band there, some kind of sports bar. Those are the kinds of places that we’ve always gone. Even now, when my buddies and I go together, we go to places where we can talk and we can hang out. Like there’s a place in Fort Lauderdale that we go a couple times a year. Mai-Kai, which was closed for many years, that’s a real fun, cool place to go if you guys are ever in South Florida, Fort Lauderdale, they got cool dinner shows. It’s great to take a date, because they’re twirling fire around and doing all kinds of crazy stuff like that. Plus, they got rum barrels, which are really good, but they’re also very strong. It’s just a great, cool place to hang out even when they have little bands playing outside. It’s not super loud where you can’t hear each other, but nightclubs are really difficult.

Back in the day, when we used to go to nightclubs, the only time I would ever go is a place where we’d get a table where we can hang out. Like I remember back in the day when we lived in Orlando, we used to go to this nightclub called Taboo, that John Morgan owned with what’s his name? Howie, the Backstreet Boys and some other attorneys. Back then they had like a sushi bar upstairs in the VIP area. So that was the only place we would go. I’d get us a table and we hang out, we would get sushi, we’d eat, and then usually we’d go someplace afterwards. What was nice in the area where we were, it was a little quieter. It wasn’t like down on the dance floor. It was just so obnoxiously loud you couldn’t hear yourself, and you had to scream at everybody to talk. At least this way you could go sit and you can hang out. People would come over. I mean, having a table in a place like that, everybody wants to come and hang out with you. So it was just easy to meet people. We’d always invite friends over. The friends would show up with their girlfriends, and the girlfriends would bring some of their single girlfriends with them, and it was just always very easy to meet people just because of the social group.

…But they’re also where attractive women tend to congregate. I try to stay outcome independent since my main goal is to meet people and have fun.

Which is exactly the attitude you should have.

At the same time, I know if I only stick with the guys all night, nothing romantic is going to happen because women aren’t likely to approach me.

Well again, as the ladies are walking by like, “Hey, what are you girls up to tonight?” I mean, that’s the easiest, simplest opener as you’re having fun with this group of people and the girls are walking by, because if you guys are focusing on each other, you’re joking, you’re laughing, you’re having a good time, and you’re kind of turned half in, half out again, I go into detail in the article about this and your body language and a lot of other things that are important to understand about this. Plus, there’s a video I did years ago, Body Language That Attracts Women. You got to focus on that as well. If you’re all hunched over, your neck is cranked forward, and your shoulders are rolled forward, you’re kind of in a depressed physiology. Whereas if your head is back, your shoulders are rolled back, it’s almost like you got a little string attached to your chest that’s pulling you out like this. So your shoulders and your chest are out. That’s the physiology of somebody who’s proud of themselves. It gives off a completely different vibe.

So it’s important to have good body language. It’s important to have a good time. Also just simple things like, “Hey, what are you girls up to tonight?” Sometimes they talk for a few minutes. You can tell some of them want to hang out and talk. Others are just stopping for a second because they’re being polite. If you get the vibe that they don’t really want to talk, it’s like, “Well hey, you girls have a good night!” Raise your glass, cheers, and then move back to hanging out with the group of dudes, because all you need is one good girl. All you need is one girl that’s friendly and excited to see you.

So the important thing is to just keep it circulating and keep the people going by. So as groups of girls walk by and you notice they’re looking into your group, even if they’re looking at another guy that they may be interested in your group, you can say, “Hey, what are you girls up to tonight?” And they’re like, “Oh, we’re doing this and that,” be like, “Hey, this is Bob. This is Dave. This is John,” and you can introduce the guys. You don’t have to introduce yourself. You can introduce them to the girls. Then you’re now bringing girls into your group. Even if they’re not for you, you bring them in to talk to the other guys, and the guys are going to appreciate that because you’re basically pulling women for them to start conversations with them. So they’ll like hanging out with you if you’re very good at breaking ice and just bringing women in.

So if you take it from that kind of attitude that you’re trying to bring joy and fun to the people that you’re with, and you’re sending girls to talk to the guys that you’re with, you might also notice that the girls wonder why is it you’re not really trying to talk to them, and you’re trying to dump them off on your friends, so to speak. Then you’ll notice that they’ll kind of migrate back over to you and want to talk to you, even though initially they might not have been so open to chat with you. So those are some tweaks and things that you can do for fun.

Again, if you’re sending girls to the guys you’re with, some of them are going to turn around and want to know why you don’t want to talk to them. It’s kind of crazy, but that’s just how the ladies are. They’re going to wonder, “Is this guy taken? Does he have a girlfriend? Why didn’t he want to talk to me?” Especially if they’re really hot, because like every guy wants to talk to them and you’re just like, “Oh hey, this is Bob,” and then you just turn around and maybe start talking to somebody else. It’s really powerful. In other words, it’s like you kind of put yourself last. You ensure that everybody you’re with is having a good time. There’s plenty of girls to talk to. Again, you’ll notice that more women will want to talk to you when you do that.

So my question is: In nightlife environments, how do you create enough fun, mystery, and social proof so that women become curious and warm up on their own instead of seeming closed off from the start?

Bob

Well, I just covered that. Like I said, try that. Do those tweaks the next time. Next few times you go out and maybe you can send another email and let us know how that turns out.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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