If You Don’t Date & Court Your Girl Some Other Guy Will

Why failure to date & court your girl will eventually lead to her leaving for a guy who does.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a guy who is new to my work after getting dumped by a girl he was dating when he went away for vacation for a month. He was cold and distant and acted like he didn’t care too much. When he came back from vacation he tried to re-engage, but she rejected him saying she met a guy who made her feel appreciated and wanted while he was away.

He claims the other guy is needy and shouldn’t have gotten her and he wonders why. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy who’s brand new to my work. He got dumped by a girl he was dating. They really were just kind of casually hanging out, having fun and hooking up. He went away on a vacation for about a month, didn’t really talk to her with what’s going on with his life. Then when he comes back to town, he’s got all these big plans, these grand plans he’s made for her and him. He’s just like, “Hey, let’s get together,” but she’s like, “Well, I kind of met somebody else, and he’s attentive, he makes me feel wanted. He makes me feel like he actually cares about me.” So he obviously found my work like probably 80% of the guys because it went sideways, but what really got him upset is that he’s obviously been creeping her social media and sees that the guy that she’s with now is all over social media, commenting on every post, apparently drooling all over. He’s like, “What’s up with that, Coach? You said that she wouldn’t choose a guy like that.” Well, it’s early in the process, I will say, but it just goes to show like this guy was kind of treating this girl like somebody he was hooking up with, wasn’t really that into.

Women want to be in a love story. If you’re with somebody enough and you constantly treat them like you don’t care, like they’re an afterthought, you don’t talk, you don’t keep in touch, you only call them when you want to hang out, have fun and hook up, women start to pick up on the fact that you’re not really into them. You’re just calling them for a sexual release. Then a guy comes along who is attentive, and it’s early in the process. So she’s chosen this other guy and he’s looking at the social media, this guy’s comments on her post, he’s like, “This doesn’t make any sense. According to what you say, she should reject this guy,” but it’s early, so it’s possible the other guy is over-pursuing. The one thing he is doing that this guy never did is he was attentive and he made her feel like she he didn’t care about her, and obviously the new guy does.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi, Coach Corey!

I’m Bob, 29, and just found out about your website after (Guess?) being dumped…

I was dating this girl (And another one) since about February, although not as consistently, but she would always do the chasing. I always have sex on the first date and they always chase, so it seems at least something I can do right.

So if you’re enough of a cold fish, distant and indifferent enough, remember it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. That’s great in pickup and dating, but if you’re going to transition into a relationship, it’s not going to work with you, acting like an emotional zombie that doesn’t give a damn. There’s a time limit on this. It’s the same thing if you got a practice squad, girls in a rotation that you’re just occasionally seeing. You try not to spend more than one day a week with them, because you don’t want them to get hooked on you. Eventually, they’re going to figure out what you’re doing and what you’re up to, and when they find somebody else who actually makes them feel like they care, they’re going to dip on you. That’s just a fact of life.

So as long as you understand that and you’re treating a girl like a buddy, which is pretty clear if he wasn’t even seeing her that consistently, he communicated over many months that he wasn’t that into her, because we’re in July now. He started seeing her in February and went away for a whole month. So I assume that means the month of June, he was gone. So you got February, March, April, May. So he was seeing her for basically four months and goes away and just like disappears for a month. So it’s like, what do you expect is going to happen? That’s great for a fuck buddy, friends with benefits, but a girl that’s looking for relationship is going to know that you’re not on the same page.

The issues began in May, when we stayed apart for the entire month because we went on vacation. We hung out, had fun and hooked up before the trip, but I didn’t text her much during it. When we came back, I noticed she was getting a bit distant so I made a big surprise (A mistake, maybe?)…

Well, that’s typically what guys do, is they feel the woman slipping away so they do some grand gesture type of date, go out of their way and let her know how much they care. The point being is that she’s backing away because her interest is dropping. At the end of the day, women don’t care how much you like them, what a good guy you are, how handsome you are, or how big your bank account is. What matters is how they feel about you.

Again look at Tom Brady. His wife left him for the jiu-jitsu guy because he wasn’t present. As she said, he didn’t make her feel heard and understood, he wasn’t dating and courting her properly. He was always focused on his career. They had umpteen conversations about it. He promised to change, and he never did. Eventually she gave up and she’s rolling around in the mat with a jiu-jitsu guy, and one thing leads to another, now they’re hooking up. Now she popped out of one of his kids after she left Tom. So even Tom Brady, with everything he had, his supermodel wife left him because he didn’t date and court her properly.

…And gifted her some flowers and stuff.

Which is typically what guys do. They feel the girl is slipping away, like, “I’ll buy her flowers. I’ll buy her chocolate. I’ll buy her a gift, and that’ll really let her know I care,” but the thing that they ignore is that her interest is dropping, and you telling her how much you like her and care about her does nothing to make her attraction for you grow.

She said she had no idea I had feelings for her and although she did, she doesn’t anymore because she found someone who makes her feel, “Good and appreciated.”

So what that tells me is the whole time they were dating, basically he was a cold fish, treating her like a booty call, made her feel like he just didn’t give a shit about her, and eventually another guy came along who was more attentive, he was more present, he dated and courted her properly, made her feel heard and understood. He basically made her feel like he actually cared through his actions, not his words, flowers, some gift or some expensive grand gesture type of date.

I told her the usual, “Let’s keep in touch. Let me know if it doesn’t work out,” and went no contact (It’s been a month).

What bothers me, though, is that the other guy is pretty much the opposite of what you teach. How do I know that? Because the fucker comments on every single post she makes on Instagram with cringy stuff and is clearly a clingy motherfucker.

Well, that’s your opinion because you’re mad and you’re pissed off. What you’re basically trying to do is absolve yourself from any personal responsibility for your behavior that put yourself in this position. So you’re trying to point the finger at me as if it’s not your fault, when in reality, you just can’t be a cold, emotionless zombie to women and treat them like a fuck buddy, friends with benefits and then disappear for a month and go on vacation, then come back and expect just to pick right back up and she’s going to jump in your arms. You made her feel like you didn’t give a damn about her and that’s on you. Quite frankly, if we were doing a phone session and you were telling me the story, I would be pointing out like, “You didn’t give a shit until you found out there was another guy in the picture.”

As he said earlier in the email, it was somebody he just kind of occasionally saw. She wasn’t even that important, but it kind of roughed up his ego because he got blown off for a guy that he looks at the comments and he says, “All this stuff is cringy.” Well, maybe she really digs him. Maybe she’s really into him. Maybe he is overdoing it on social media, if that’s the case. If he’s needy, he’s clingy and he’s cringy, then more than likely what he’s going to end up doing is over-pursuing, turn her off and he’ll chase her right out of his life and potentially back into your arms.

That’s why, in the meantime, you should be doing what you’re already starting to do, which is read the book, apply it and start seeing the patterns in the book and people that you observe and women that you go out with and date. So if in 90 days, however happens to be, if this guy does screw up and if he is actually as needy and clingy as you think he is, then she’s going to get turned off. Since you’re in no-contact and you left the door open, there’s a good chance she’ll reach back out to you because you did tell her you were interested. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. As Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” So if this guy is doing that, even though he’s overdoing it on social media, he may get several months down the road before he turns her off, or maybe he’s like that in the beginning because he’s really excited. Then it kind of levels off once he feels comfortable that he’s got her and he doesn’t do that stuff as much.

At the end of the day, the only thing you can do is control the controllable, which is your behavior and how you show up. You have to recognize that if you want a woman to stick around, you got a date and court her properly and make her feel heard and understood, because if you just treat her like one of the girls in your rotation, that’s fine, but you have to understand there’s a time limit on that, and once the woman figures out that you really don’t care about her through your actions, then she’s going to be looking around for other guys because it’s very clear to her, she was surprised when you told her that you care. She’s like, “What? It’s like you disappeared for a month, dude. I hardly ever heard from you.” So you can’t date somebody for four months and treat them like you don’t care, disappear for a month and then come back to town and expect them to be jumping into your arms. It’s like, “Who are you? You’re a stranger.”

Again, you made her feel like you didn’t give a shit, and this other guy does. Maybe it’ll wear thin, maybe he really is as needy and clingy as you say, or maybe he’s just saying things that are sweet and endearing and you would never say because quite frankly, you didn’t feel those things. So who knows?

I am now reading 3% Man and know exactly where I failed: Maintaining the courtship. But how can I trust the rest when seemingly a 97% man is with the woman I wanted? What the fuck??

Best Regards,

Bob

Well again, you treat her like you didn’t give a shit. If you don’t date and court your wife or your girlfriend, eventually some other guy will, and that’s what happened. You didn’t date and court or you hardly ever saw her. You acted like you really didn’t give a shit because you were dating her and you were dating another girl, and with your limited understanding of my work and how attraction works, you’re trying to act like you’re some kind of clairvoyant expert and you understand exactly what this guy is doing.

Women vote with their feet. If she’s with you, it means that she voted for you, and while you were gone traveling the world, she was with another guy who clearly did enough right, he did more things right than wrong, and it was probably very refreshing for her to be with a guy who actually, after being with you or casually dating you, being treated like a fuck buddy, occasional friends with benefits, or the girl that you just called when you wanted to blow the barrels out, now she has a guy that actually enjoys her company, enjoys spending time with her.

So in the meantime, you should be doing everything you can to learn the book. Practice it so you see more of the patterns that are in the book showing up in your life and you can clean up your behavior, so if she does come back, you should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Invite her over to make dinner at your place, hang out, have fun and hook up. Pretty simple. If you don’t read the book, you don’t learn it and she does come back and you go right back to the same behavior, you will turn her off, and she will blow you off for another guy that does the same thing. Again, it’s as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west. If I was a betting man, and if you are correct that this guy is a 97 percenter, then she will definitely be back, but in the meantime, you got to clean up your behavior, because if you don’t, if you don’t take the time to learn this and she does come back, you’ll fuck it up for exactly the same reasons.

If I were you, I’d be applying the book to find a woman that you really like and you really want to be with, who lights you up in the inside and you’re going to want to see her for more than just an occasional sexual release, that you’re genuinely going to enjoy spending time with her, and vice versa, because obviously this other guy, he seems to really enjoy this woman’s company when quite frankly, you didn’t give a flying fuck about her. You just didn’t care. You didn’t care until you found out she was seeing somebody else. Then it really pissed you off. So on to the next, dude. It’s not the end of the world. I’d much rather see you with the one that knocks your socks off than some chick that you dated for four months, and you’re totally OK with leaving the country and hardly ever talking to her. That just shows you just really didn’t care about her. So it’s not fair to her for you to want her back, but you don’t really give a shit about her in the first place. Something to think about.

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