If You Don’t Lead Her She Will Leave You

Why a man must lead the relationship or he will get dumped.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 25 year old viewer who got dumped by his 26 year old girlfriend. Due to his lack of clarity around his purpose and consistently putting her in charge of the relationship she lost respect and attraction for him and dumped him. He tried getting her back with a letter but she rejected him and told him maybe in the future. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “If You Don’t Lead Her She Will Leave You”.

So I’ve got an email from a guy. He’s 25, got dumped by his girlfriend who’s 26. He’s new to my work. I guess a friend of his turned him on to it after he got dumped. So this was his college relationship. She was, I guess staying behind to do her PhD, and he was kind of unsure of himself and what he wanted to do with his life.

He’s working in a job right now, he’s not really happy. He was kind of jumping through his butt to please her. She’s making these demands that he moves from where he is, to be with her, to please her, and it’s pretty clear he put her in charge of the relationship and made her the man.

She obviously resented it and has since dumped him. So he wrote a letter hoping to get her back, which she just declined and said, well, maybe someday in the future. And at the end of the day, masculine energy is purpose, drive, mission, succeeding, accomplishing, breaking through barriers, overcoming challenges, making things happen.

And if your girlfriend has more ambition and more clarity on what she wants to do with her life than you do, you’ve got a mismatch there. And if you don’t get that straightened out, especially if she wants a family and things of that nature, if you’re still flailing around, like in this case, this guy’s a year younger than her, it’s going to be really hard to keep that relationship together because you’re supposed to be the leader, especially if she’s going to take a step back, be a stay at home mom, those kinds of things.

And you can’t even figure out what you want to do with your life. This is just another one of the many reasons why younger women like dating older men is because older men have figured these things out. So if you want to date your own age or around your age. You’re gonna have to have your life in order. Especially when it comes to starting a family and things of that nature.

In other words, your girlfriend can’t be more masculine than you are because she’s going to resent it. Because if you force her to be more of the man in the relationship, she’s not going to like it. She’s going to get bitchy, cranky, she’s gonna nag you, give you a hard time, and eventually she’s gonna get tired of it and leave. Which is basically what happened here in this guy’s case.

There’s nothing wrong with not being where you want to be, not having a very successful business, not being the CEO of the company you just started working for, that kind of thing. But you have to have a plan and a vision for your life. You got to know what you want.

You got to know why you want it. In other words, you’ve got to have emotionally compelling reasons why you want something. And the more indecisive and unsure you are, the more you’re just going to have problems with women that have their life and their act together and know what they want. They’re just not going to put up with a dude that can’t figure it out.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I got out of a 4-year relationship three months ago, and a friend recommended your book. I’ve read it once so far, and the ideas, especially around polarity and purpose, feel relevant to what went wrong. I’m 25 and have struggled to define my purpose.

Well, I highly recommend you read my second book, Mastering Yourself. If you’re already a free subscriber to the Newsletter on my Website. They’re in the Members Area of the Website. You can read it for free. You can try before you buy. So I highly recommend you read Mastering Yourself, because that book is all about how to align your life with your true calling and reach your full potential.

Plus, there’s a playlist on the homepage of my YouTube channel, “Discovering Your Purpose”. So it’s got a bunch of videos in there. I took the girls and chunky through the process of figuring out what you’re most passionate about to help you kind of narrow down and zero in on your purpose and your mission in life and what ideally is going to light you up on the inside.

Because again, whatever you love the most and you’re passionate about, you’re going to work harder at that than anything else. You’re going to work way harder at something you really enjoy versus something you’re doing just for the money.

I’m 25 and have struggled to define my purpose. I have focused on financial stability and work-life balance, and while I’ve done well professionally, I don’t feel passionate about my job or fulfilled day-to-day.

Well, at the end of the day, it’s all based upon the meanings that you give to the circumstances of your life. So maybe you should choose a more empowering meaning for what you’re doing. Because everybody’s got to pay their dues. You don’t have any real life experience at this point. You just got out of college. You really don’t have an extensive reserve of knowledge either.

And at the end of the day, you get paid based upon the value that you bring to the marketplace. You get compensated for developing your gifts, your skills and your talents and growing your reserve of knowledge. And ideally, if you find a life’s work that you really enjoy, you’re going to work harder at it than anything else you’ll do. And that’s why you’ll go way further than somebody that’s just doing it for a paycheck.

My ex who’s 26, on the other hand, is a PhD student with a strong sense of purpose.

Sounds like she’s got some boss girl energy going on, too.

She wanted me to take more of a lead in the relationship.

In other words, she wanted you to be more masculine and determined than she was. But obviously that didn’t happen because that’s why you’re writing the email.

But I found that difficult given my lack of direction, especially in contrast to her clear direction.

Well, at the end of the day, even if you don’t get back together with this girl, the next girl that you come across, you’re going to have the same issues with. You know, it’s not a big deal when you’re in college because you’re both going to school. But you know, once you’re graduated, if you continue to flail around as she gets more laser focused, that’s just a mismatch in goals and values.

We met in college and were long-distance after graduating. I moved to a bigger city close to home for better opportunities.

And quite frankly, that’s what you should be doing as a man, moving where the opportunities for you and your career are. Not moving somewhere because your girlfriend decides that’s where she wants to live or wants you to live. If moving to the city that she is in is not exciting and compelling to you, and you don’t really want to live there, you’re only doing it to please her 99% of the time once you move there, she’s gonna dump you.

Because you’re not moving there to improve your life you’re just doing it to please her and make her happy. And women want you to do things that make you happy first so they can follow your lead. But when you’re submitting to her and moving to her city, you’re basically the woman in the relationship that ruins the sexual polarity. It’s going to dry her up, turn her off, and cause her to toss you to the side.

She stayed for her PhD. We saw each other quite frequently, but she felt I didn’t prioritize her enough, and would get jealous of me spending time with friends.

Well, when a woman’s in love, they want your attention all the fucking time. And if you graduate, you’re playing video games, you’re not really thinking about your purpose and your mission and your future, that’s what she’s looking at. How is this guy going to lead me? How is this guy going to lead our family? How can I count on him to be the primary breadwinner if I’m going to be a stay at home mom while the kids are little? It’s not going to make a woman feel safe at all. And if a woman doesn’t feel safe, the legs are going to close.

About a year ago, she gave me an ultimatum: move in together in her city or break up. I agreed even though I wasn’t ready, and my job didn’t allow it. Then backed out two months later.

Well, part of your problem is you agreed to something to please her. Not because it’s what you wanted to do. If she’s like, “You must move to my city and move in together, we’re going to break up.” Just say, “My career path is not in your city. There’s more opportunity where I’m at and I’m not going to move there just to move there because you want me to. And if you’re going to break up with me because of that, well, then obviously we’re not meant to be together.”

The woman is supposed to submit to the man, not the other way around. And so it sounds like she’s successfully intimidated him. But then again, he backed out months later. And so you said one thing and you did another. And what really happened is you agreed to something that deep down, you were not congruent with. And when push came to shove, and it was a couple months later, after you had time to think about it and she’s pressuring her, you’re like, yeah, I’m not doing it, which is the right thing for you anyways. But as a man, you shouldn’t say one thing and then back out and do another.

That broke her trust, and although we tried to repair things, the relationship declined from there.

Yeah, because the main core issue was not fixed.

We made a plan. For the final year of her PhD which is in 2027 to 2o28, I would get a remote job and move in with her.

Again this is more pleaser behavior. You’re not moving there because you really want to be in that city and necessarily want to be with her. You’re only doing it because you don’t want to lose the relationship. But at the end of the day, a man does what he must despite the consequences.

And if that means staying in the city that you were at because there’s better opportunity there, then that’s what you should have done. Even if it means your relationship ends. If she wants to leave, then she can go. You need a woman to submit to you, not the other way around. It’s not going to work when you try to act like the woman.

I ended up getting a fully remote job earlier than planned which was 6 months ago, and she gave me an ultimatum to move again. I resisted. I didn’t want to feel forced.

Well, that’s the right thing because that’s your truth. That’s what you feel is right for you.

And I still hadn’t figured out my purpose, so we broke up.

Well, at the end of the day, if you went to college, what did you go to college for? You should be not going to college and getting a degree if you have no intention of working in that degree, that’s an absolute waste of your time and your money or your parents money at the end of the day.

And I still hadn’t figured out my purpose, so we broke up. I saw it as mutual, but she sees it as her ending things.

It’s like, let’s be real, dude, she ended it. You didn’t have your life together and you were constantly saying one thing and doing another.

Looking back, I see that I consistently signaled instability and lack of commitment. From her perspective, I was more focused on hanging out with friends and building a career I don’t care about than her. 

So that’s what from her perspective, I was more focused on hanging out with friends and building a career I don’t care about than her. The real issue is just you weren’t serious about what you were going to do with your life. She saw it as, even though she’s still in college, that she knows what she wants. She has clarity. And you don’t.

And on top of that, you’re hanging out and having fun with your buddies. Probably playing video games and stuff. Which your 20s you should be busting your ass to get life experience and to get clear about your purpose and what you want to do, because that’s an important decade and you can’t be fucking around.

Since the breakup, I’ve realized I was putting too much pressure on finding the “perfect” purpose. Now I’m focused on choosing a direction and committing to it.

Well, that’s the right thing for you to do. So good job with that.

I’ve identified a new field and mapped out some paths forward. We stayed in contact after the breakup, saying we missed each other now and again.

Well, at the end of the day, if she dumped you and broke it off because you didn’t comply with her wishes, you never call, you never text again. She’s the one that ended the relationship and therefore she’s got to fix it. She’s got to be the one to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. And you begging and pleading to stay together with her.

Even though you said your breakup was mutual. I’m going to side with her on that. She’s the one that dumped you. That’s pretty obvious. You’re maybe a little bit in denial. A lot of guys do that. Well, the breakup was mutual. It’s like, no, it wasn’t. You’re writing an email about this girl. The breakup was far from mutual. You didn’t want it. And she did.

I eventually sent a letter trying to get back together, taking accountability and saying I was ready to move.

Again deep down, that’s not what you really wanted. You’re just doing that in hopes that she’ll take you back. And she saw right through that bullshit, and that’s why she declined it.

She responded that it’s too soon, she’s focusing on school, and doesn’t want to fall back into old patterns.

In other words, she doesn’t believe you’re sincere. If she started dating you again, you’re just saying what you need to say to try to get another chance with her. And at the end of the day, you’re not congruent with that bullshit anyway. So you need to be honest with yourself.

She said maybe we could reconnect in the future, but since then, communication has stopped.

Good. Let it be that way and let it stay that way. You need to do exactly what you’re doing now is focusing on your purpose and your mission, and mapping out plans that work for you. A woman is supposed to be a complement to your life, not the center of your life. And if she doesn’t support your purpose and your mission and what you’re doing, she’s the wrong girl for you anyway. And so if it was me, I would assume this relationship is over.

You had a nice college romance, but get serious about your purpose and your mission and build your life in the city where you’re at, because you clearly want to be there. Because that’s where you’re at. You voted with your feet. You didn’t really want to move away with her, and she knew that. That’s why she broke it off, because you weren’t sincere.

Your book helped me understand the dynamics more clearly. Part of me still hopes we reconnect, but I’m not reaching out again.

Well, it’s her job to fix it. Your job is to become the most successful and happy man that you can become. And if she wants to come back to your city and see you, you can do that. But when she says, “Well, you need to move to my city and move in.”

Just say, “No, I don’t want to move there. There’s better opportunities where I live now for me and my career. And I’m staying put. If you’d like to move here, that’d be great. But I’m not moving to where you are. I’m staying where I am. This is where I’m going to build my life. If you want to be a part of that, that’d be wonderful. And if not, well, I wish you the best, babe. Thanks for the memories.”

I’m unsure how to handle it if she does, especially with the distance.

Follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. She must earn another chance with you, not the other way around. And if you get your life together and your act together, and you’re certain of what you’re going to do and you’re going to stay where you are, because clearly that’s where you want to be. And if she says, “Well, if you’re not moving here, then that’s it.”

It’s like, “Fine, you’ve got my number, hit me up. But I’m not moving to that city. I don’t want to live there. And you know, you can move back to here, get your own place and we can try to date, but I’m not going to go from being broken up to moving in and living with you, because some things need to change. You need to let me be the man in the relationship. Loosen up a little bit on the boss girl energy because I just kind of resent it and I don’t want to deal with it.”

For now, I’m focusing on my purpose and growth. I’d welcome any perspective you have on my situation.

Thanks,

Bob

Well, as crazy as your path was, you’re in exactly the right place, dude. I would have done things differently, as I pointed out, but you are where you’re supposed to be, so you should feel good about that and have peace about that. And if she wants to come join you in that city, that’d be nice. And if not, that’s okay because you’ll find somebody younger and hotter than her anyways, with a little less boss girl energy and a little bit more feminine and submissive energy.

You want a woman that makes your dick hard, not your life hard. And your girlfriend was a little too masculine. And so you did the right thing. So good on you. Keep reading 3% Man. Keep practicing. Get out there, start dating, and obviously read Mastering Yourself because that’ll really help you figure out your true calling and your full potential to reach your full potential, I should say.

And if you’d like to get my help personally, maybe you got some questions around this. Maybe you really want to drill down on your purpose and your mission because you’re still kind of unsure, or you just want to bounce some ideas off of me to help narrow things down and work out a game plan, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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