If You Force Yourself Into Her Life, She Will Withdraw & Want Space

Why you should never force yourself into a woman’s life or she will withdraw & want space.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 30 year old viewer who is needy, clingy and constantly trying to shoehorn himself into his now ex-girlfriends life. He kept smothering her and chasing her and she kept saying she needed space. He didn’t listen and got dumped. He’s already trying to plot his return back into her life for another chance and has no clue what he’s doing and why she is fleeing from him. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “If You Force Yourself Into Her Life, She Will Withdraw & Want Space.”

Well, this particular email is from what I assume he must be new to my work. Because it doesn’t look like he’s read 3% Man yet. And so he’s 30 years old, but he’s acting needy. He’s clingy and he’s constantly trying to shoehorn himself into his now ex-girlfriend’s life. He kept smothering her, kept chasing her. She kept saying she needed space. He didn’t really understand what she meant by that. So he really didn’t listen to her or didn’t give her space, and he got dumped.

And so even though he’s been over pursuing, which is, I mean, probably most people watching this video when they’ve met a girl they really liked in the past, we all tend to do this. Because what it does is when we really care for somebody, and our emotions are engaged, we have all human beings have the same two primary fears. Fear that we’re not enough. In other words, we don’t have what it takes to accomplish or achieve or have whatever it is that we want to have. And the second primary fear is, fear that we won’t be loved.

And so if you’re coming from a place of fear, if you worry that the other person is not going to willingly choose you, then what you try to do is you call too much, you text too much. And especially guys that don’t understand how women are like cats and sometimes they’re really super into you and they want to spend time with you. Other times when you spend a bunch of time together, it seems like they don’t want to be around you anymore, or they get bored. And guys see that, they see the loss of interest or the loss of enthusiasm, or she wants to go and do other things without you, we take it personally.

And we assume it has something to do with us. But a woman’s feelings and emotions fluctuate like the weather, so it’s about as productive as getting mad at the weather, not matching what the weather report said it was going to be, or the weather report says it’s going to be nice out and it’s raining all day. And so as a man, because masculinity is calm, you can’t let this stuff bother you. You’ve just got to understand that her interest, her effort, her actions are kind of waning right now, just like cats. Anybody who’s ever been around a cat. Cats are kind of finicky. They’re kind of moody.

Sometimes they really want to be near you and held, sit in your lap and purr. But after a while, they get tired of it. They stop purring, and then they hop out of your lap. And what a lot of guys do is they start chasing after the cat and grab it and put it back in their lap and start petting it. And then the cats usually don’t react too well from that. They typically jump up and then haul ass out of the room and take off. And metaphorically, that’s kind of how women operate. When you’re kind of clinging, you’re kind of needy because you’re supposed to be the rock, you’re supposed to be the mountain.

You’re supposed to be the one that she comes to for safety and comfort. So you can provide and protect, take care of her and keep her safe, that kind of thing. But if she doesn’t feel safe around you, in other words, if you come unglued and you get really upset that she doesn’t want to spend time with you, or she’s not as excited as she was, us guys because we’re, what is masculine energy? Purpose, drive, mission, succeeding, accomplishing, breaking through barriers, overcoming challenges. And so we think there’s something to do.

And I talk about this in my Book, 3% Man, “The Illusion Of Action.” We feel like we have to do something to fix things or to get her back to the place she was, where she had a lot of enthusiasm. And by the way, for those of you that haven’t started reading. 3% Man yet, you got to understand these videos are based on the premise that you’ve read The Book and you understand the baseline fundamentals in it.

Because these videos are designed to help fine tune what’s in The Book and how to apply in these special showcases the information that’s in The Book, so you can really master this stuff. And if you’re new, even if you think I’m full of crap, if you just read what’s in The Book and you apply it, you’ll get better results. Plus, you can read it for free on my Website. All you got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter and as soon as you put your information in, The Book will open up and you can read The Book.

Take the time. There’s no shortcuts to success. If you really want to turn things around in your personal life and become better in your professional life, you got to read The Book. You got to learn the baseline fundamentals that these videos are based upon, because otherwise, if you don’t, you’re going to keep making the same mistakes and turning girls off for the same exact reasons.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I’ve been seeing this woman since December now, we are both the same age 30/31, and 2 months ago, week after we had the best vacation together, we went to a spa weekend with some of her friends, and at that time I was a bit silent and distant at one of the dinners that weekend, which she somehow mistook as me not wanting to be there and as if I was doing this (going with her friends on a spa trip) all on purpose to get me to like her, which couldn’t be far from the truth.

So if she says, you’re going on the trip and you don’t really want to be there. So in other words, what she’s noticing is a pattern is that this guy is doing and saying things that she could tell he’s not really into, and that comes off as being a people pleaser. So he’s not really being authentic in her eyes. It might not be this specific situation, but because of how he behaved, she assumed that that’s what he was doing. So he was pretending to go along with things that she wanted to do because he wanted her approval. And that’s not what masculine energy is.

So if she loves Italian food and you can’t stand Italian food, and yet you go anyways and you say, “oh, it’s fine.” And you sit there and you don’t look like you’re having a good time. You don’t really like your meal. She’s not going to be happy about that because she wants you to have the balls to say, “yeah, I don’t like Italian at all. Let’s go have sushi instead.” Or “let’s go have Thai food or whatever”, or “let’s go have some Mediterranean or some Greek food or something like that.” The point being is that because I’ve already read this guy’s email, that’s part of what he’s doing is he really likes this girl, and so he’s afraid of losing her.

And if he’s afraid of losing her, he’s doing and he’s saying things to please her because he fears losing her approval. And that’s not masculine. That’s actually acting effeminate and girly. And that’s why it turns her off. So because he’s quiet and withdrawn, it doesn’t look like he’s having a good time in the trip. And oh, he must have just gone on this trip, even though he didn’t really want to be there. He doesn’t like my friends just because he’s trying to get me to like him, So it might not been the case. Maybe he had a lot on his mind.

He can say, “I’m sorry, babe. I just got a lot on my mind or stuff at work, stuff in my business that I’ve been thinking about. And don’t take it personally. It’s just it’s how us guys are. We internalize things. And so if I’m kind of quiet, it means I’m contemplating what’s going on. And sometimes us guys, we just need time alone in our man cave. Don’t take it personally.” But so again, that’s what it looks like. It’s happened here is because there’s other things he’s doing and saying when they’re together that looks like he’s going along with it because he’s worried about her approval. And women don’t like that.

You’re supposed to be the strong, masculine one. You’re supposed to be more masculine than they are. And so there’s other things he’s doing and saying that make him look unattractive. And again, it would behoove him to start reading The Book. I mean, if you put the AudioBook on 2X and you follow along in a digital or physical copy, you can get through The Book in four hours. And once you get through it, ten, 15, 20 times whatever happens to be until you get to know it backwards and forwards.

You understand the philosophy. When things like this happen, you’ll understand right away where she’s coming from, and boom, right away you’ll know what kind of a comeback you need to have, what kind of vibe you need to give off. But if you’re just trying to cherry pick in videos, you’re going to be getting intermittent success. You’ll get some attainable success, but you won’t be able to sustain it long term.

We had a talk about this, and I told her it’s not like that at all and it’s never been like that, and since then things started spiraling downwards. She told me she needed space and that I should stay more at home (before that I was spending like five out of seven days at her place, we were basically living together) which I, when looking back at it, misinterpreted and started spending more time at home.

However every six or so days I’d go to her place because it was easier for me to go to the office from there. I work two days in office and rest from home. Looking back, I understand how stupid of me this was, however every time I asked if I could come and she always said okay and yes etc.

So he’s not inviting her to do things or to join him for things. It’s like when he talks to her, he’s like, “hey, can I come stay at your house?” And so there are times when she kind of pulls back like a kitty cat, where you could tell she’s maybe not as enthusiastic and he feels afraid. Oh, she’s not liking me as much. And so he can feel that he can tell it, but he really likes her. He’s really focused on how he feels about her and doesn’t understand that this is not, you know, if her feelings have changed a little bit or she seems less interested.

He thinks there’s a problem to fix or to solve. And what he thinks is, “oh, if I just am around her more, she’ll like me more.” And so what he’s doing is he’s kind of imposing on her and inviting himself to stay at her house or whatever. And she’s saying yes to be nice, but she doesn’t really want him there, and he doesn’t have the self-awareness. Or I should say, he ignores it to the point where it looks like he’s imposing his will on her. In other words, she doesn’t really want him there, but she feels guilty saying ‘no’ because they’re supposed to be boyfriend and girlfriend.

And if you keep forcing yourself into her life, that’s what it feels like. It feels like you’re needy and you’re clingy and you’re kind of treating her like your mommy, and you need her approval. And that’s the overriding theme that you see with guys that over-pursue. They’re worried about losing her approval, and that typically is just because you didn’t get enough hugs. And I love you’s from mom and dad growing up.

I also wanted to see her (which was the main reason I’d go there every six days or so, not so much the office thing).

Yeah, but he’s not noticing that she’s not as excited to see him. And so when you notice that the enthusiasm is lacking, be okay with not seeing each other for a few days, or be okay with not getting together for that weekend, and there’s no need to call or text or to reach out. And another thing is, by this point in the relationship, if you’re following what’s in The Book, which obviously he clearly isn’t, she should be doing 90%, 95% of the pursuing. And I would say probably more than likely, he’s probably doing close to 50/50 of the pursuing.

Because her attraction is dropping and he’s noticing and he’s seeing it, but he thinks spending more time with her is what’s going to solve the problem. In reality what it does remember, Thích Nhất Hạnh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” And so she clearly is not feeling free. She’s feeling smothered.

That’s why women say, “I need space” when they say “I need space.” What it means is like you’re being too needy. You’re being too clingy. You’re like a little boy that needs an attaboy from his mommy. And I don’t want to be your mommy. You’re supposed to be my man. You’re supposed to be the strong one. And instead, he’s acting too girly, effeminate and weak and seeking her approval. It should be the other way around. She should be seeking hers.

Stupid, I understand, however I can’t turn it back. I also borrowed her car a few times as mine broke, she said yes to that too, did a few other things that I also asked her if I could do to which she (later I found out – reluctantly) said yes.

Yeah, because he’s not noticing. She’s not like, “oh of course baby”, and instead she’s like, “uh, okay. I was really planning on doing this. I really kind of need my car, but I guess I can carpool with somebody else.” So in other words, he’s seeing that she goes along with it, but the enthusiasm is not there. She’s not excited to do it. She’s not excited to have him come over, and he’s just glad that at least she allowed me to come over.

You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you, and if you ever get the vibe or the feeling that she’s kind of taking you for granted, then you should just get refocused on your purpose, your mission, your friends. Go see your mom. Go see your dad, spend some time with them. Get back in the gym. Pay attention to your stamp collection. Clean out your garage. Spend some time in your man cave. Do some reading.

In other words, be okay being by yourself or doing other things that don’t include her. And that’s why she’s kind of saying, “hey, why don’t you go home, enjoy your house.” Because she kind of wanted her own space. Because again, he’s smothering her and she doesn’t feel free. Women want to be the ones to chase and pursue you and to convince you to spend more time with them. That’s just how they operate. I didn’t make him that way. If you don’t like it, you can speak to the big man upstairs.

I realize now that all of this was stupid of me and I should’ve let her have her space, however I can’t turn that back. I’ve tried explaining to myself and defending my actions.

It doesn’t matter. It’s your actions that make her feel uncomfortable.

With the fact that she wasn’t very particular in her wording and communication all this time and I didn’t take her desires seriously enough and kept pushing myself into her.

Yep. There you go. At least he’s aware of it. That’s a good thing.

She now wants to end things between us. Keep in mind a week before the Spa weekend we were pretty seriously in love.

Well, you were in love. She was going along with it. And you assumed just because she was with you that she felt the same way. But you ignored the fact that she was resistant and hesitant to do the things that you wanted. She really only said yes because she felt guilty. And you probably made her feel guilty. You probably made her feel pressured.

Because, as she says, there’s a lot of (very small) things that we differ in and cannot be together due to that, like – me borrowing her car when she needed space, me going to the gym with her when she said “no” etc. 

Oh, so she’s going to the gym and he’s like, oh, can I go with you? And she’s like, not really. But he goes anyways. And again, that all comes from a place of fear. If she’s not excited to spend time with you, then go spend time with people that are excited to spend time with you. You have to notice that and you have to pay attention to that. You can’t take it personally. You can’t look at a denial or a delay as an outright denial. And that’s all it is.

You have to recognize that she’s not as excited today as maybe she was last week. And the best thing to do is to give her space to let her be. Give her time and space away from you. To wonder about you, to think about you, to second guess herself, and to start to miss you. That’s when she reaches out to you. And then when she’s reaching out to you, it’s her idea. And of course, she’ll be excited to spend time with you.

And sometimes it’s really just a few days or a week or so, and then her feelings return. Women are like that. Their emotions are all over the place. They change like the weather. It has nothing to do with you most of the time. It’s just how they feel on a day to day basis. Her feelings, her emotions, the headspace she’s in should not cause you to come unglued and lose your shit and get upset and butthurt about it and think there’s something to fix.

Any man that’s spent enough time around women, or a woman in particular in a long term relationship, knows that man. It really is nice when she wants to go do other things and you got the house to yourself. You get the time to yourself. You can hang out with the boys poker nights on that kind of stuff. Guys can come over, have cigars and, you know, some nice scotch or whiskey or whatever. It’s nice to have that freedom. And so, of course, we miss our girl, but not that much.

I feel like she’s making a bigger thing out of this than it really is, and that all of this is a result of miscommunication on her side (some of the things that she agreed upon during the “give me space” period she didn’t actually want to agree but couldn’t say “No”) and a misconception on my side of what “Give me space” means. 

It’s not a miscommunication, Dude. You lowered her attraction because you acted too much like a girl. And so you ruined the sexual polarity. When women notice that when they feel that they get their stomach turns, they don’t feel as attracted to you, and therefore they don’t want to be around you. And you didn’t take the hint. I mean, she specifically tried to help you.

She was telling you exactly what she wanted, which was she wanted space and you wouldn’t listen, because deep down, you’re terrified that if you give her space, you’re never going to hear from her again, or somebody else is going to come along and steal her.

I have real, serious feelings for her.

Yeah, we know dude.

We’ve known each other for 5+ years before dating and were coworkers long ago) and these 7 or so months were pretty magical, before we started having these troubles between us due to lack of proper communication.

Again, it’s not a lack of communication. You’re displaying a lot of unattractive behavior, and it’s turning her off and driving her away. You’re literally chasing her out of your life, is what you’re doing.

We’ve met both of our parents, many of our friends (admittedly I know more of her than she knows mine), we’ve been on many trips together and had the best time and we’re a very good fit in my eyes, and hers too, until this.

Well, again, you’re chasing her away. I need ideas on how to re-attract her.

I need ideas on how to re-attract her, I don’t believe she’s lost attraction (and no, there is no other guy), just that she is confused out of her mind at the moment. Keep in mind she has two previous long term relationships, one 2 year, and one about eight year which she came pretty damaged out of, she’s working on it through counseling.

And I need to know how to proceed here, as I’m thinking of asking her for a second chance for us at this relationship, as this is the first real fight we’ve had and frankly it sounds pretty absurd for me to end a relationship over something like this, when 99% of the time it’s been amazing for both of us.

Notice he’s not even paying attention to her. He’s only focused on his feelings and how great he thinks the relationship is, but he’s ignoring the fact she doesn’t want to be there. And he’s like, “What do I got to do to get a second chance? I’m thinking about asking her for a second chance.” Dude, when a woman says she needs space, you give her as much space as she needs. That means you have the balls to wait until you hear from her.

And now that she’s dumped you, you don’t keep chasing after her and doing the things that got you dumped. You got to let her come to you at her pace. And it seems like you’re still not willing to do that. This is all The Illusion Of Action. I got to do something to fix this. It’s like you trying to fix this and fix her interest is driving her away. She doesn’t feel free.

And not long ago we were thinking of how we’re gonna name our baby one day, I was recently thinking of a ring I’d get her etc., and suddenly this all shifted 180 degrees. Hoping for an answer.

Thanks,

Bob

Well, Bob, bury yourself in The Book. Put the AudioBook on 2X speed and follow along in a digital or physical copy, and you can read it for free on my Website. All you got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter, and it’ll pop up right in your browser. And you can read it right on my Website. Plus, you should also probably read Mastering Yourself as well. That’s there to read for free also, and you should also be following the Article and Video 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. So she’s unilaterally ended your relationship, therefore she’s got to fix it.

So from now on here on out, she’s got to do 100% of the calling, texting, and pursuing. And then you just make dates when you hear from her. If you do that, and if after a few weeks go by, she should probably get back in touch, then you invite her over to make dinner at your place. You hang out, you have fun, you hook up, you don’t say, “let’s get back together.” There’s nothing to fix. It’s just have fun together. Create an opportunity for sex to happen. She can be the one to talk about getting back into a relationship.

You smothered this girl and you chased her out of your life. She asked for space. You wouldn’t listen. You kept chasing after her. And even despite all of that, despite the fact you got dumped, you’re still looking for the opportunity to jump right back in there and start over-pursuing her again and doing the opposite of giving her space. When a woman says, “I need space”, it means, “leave me the fuck alone.” That’s what it means. So leave her the fuck alone. She dumped you. Because if you don’t stop, eventually you’ll get blocked everywhere.

And in the worst case, if you keep pursuing, you might get a restraining order against you, so you got to knock this shit off, Dude. You have to recognize that you haven’t changed your approach one bit, and you literally chased this girl out of your life to the point where she didn’t even want to be in a relationship with you anymore. And now you’re going, “gee, what can I do to get back in there and get a second chance?” She’s got to come to that on her own without you prodding her.

You have to be okay being not hearing from or not talking to her or not seeing her. And that’s the problem. You treated her like your emotional support human instead of your girlfriend. Again, you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. And she didn’t. Your pursuit of this woman is over forever, bro. That means don’t call or text her again for any reason. If she wants to see you or if she’s missing you, she’ll think about you. Follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. That’s an Article and Video that’s on my Website. You can Google it or DuckDuckGo it, or any of the other search engines that are out there.

You can find it and watch it read it, it’s on my Website. It’s got everything detailed. It’s got all the objections that she could potentially bring up to you and how to handle things if she starts to come back. And so if you guys haven’t already signed up for our paying Members Only Content in the video description of this video, there are links to join on YouTube, to join on Spotify, or to join on our Website. UnderstandingRelationships.Com just click the “plans” tab at the top of your screen on any page in my Website once you get there.

And so you can do a seven day free trial and see what you get for your money. You can choose a monthly plan or an annual plan on the Website, and if you choose an annual plan at the end of the seven day free trial, you get a 25% discount for paying the whole year up front. And so what you get is you get six additional paid Video Coaching Newsletters, similar to this one that are only accessible by paying members on a weekly basis.

So you get the normal 4 or 5 that we have on YouTube for free, and then you get six additional that only paying members have access to. Again, you can access paying Members Only Content. You can join on YouTube, or you can join on Spotify, or preferably you can join on our Website. Whatever platform you join is where you’ll consume the content. So if you join on YouTube, you won’t be able to watch the Members Only Content on the Website. If you join on the Website, you won’t be able to watch the stuff on Spotify.

It’s all the same content, but with the Website, obviously you get the 25% discount for the annual plan. Plus you get the Email Analysis that goes along with these articles, which obviously, you know, you’re not going to get that on YouTube or Spotify. And also on a weekly basis. We have a 3% Man Study Group. It’s like a weekly class where we literally go page by page in The Book and discuss the concepts in there with myself and The Girls. We also have a weekly Mastering Yourself Study Group Podcast that’s for paying Members Only.

We have full Viewer Questions Podcasts that we do. We usually do about a one of those a week or so. And sometimes we have Special Interviews, Special Videos, Topics that we do where, I say things that I really can’t say on normal YouTube, where it’s monetized with ads and stuff like that, because they don’t like being brutally honest in a lot of particular topics. But again, that’s what you get. Again, in the video description of this video, there are links to join on YouTube, to Spotify or UnderstandingRelationships.Com. Just click the “plans” tab or click the link in the video description and sign up.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.