Why a man must always lead the relationship and not turn his woman into his mommy or therapist.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who just got dumped by his girlfriend of 5 years. He is shocked and didn’t see it coming. He thought everything was great. She says she always knew the relationship was not gonna last since they started dating. She told him that she needed to work on herself, tried to friend zone him, but he declined. It’s now been over a month and he hasn’t heard from her since.
In his email he paints an overly rosy picture of their relationship, but it is clear she didn’t respect, admire or look up to him as a man. More so as his mommy and emotional support human. He obviously made her feel smothered. He asks what went wrong and why she lost attraction for him. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This particular email I got is from a guy, I assume he’s new to my work and he doesn’t mention reading the book. Plus, when I go through his email here, you guys will see he paints an overly rosy picture of how great his relationship was, and so it’s clear that he was totally focused on how he felt about her, and was completely clueless as to how she felt towards him.
So they were together five years. He says everything is great and wonderful and supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, until the day she broke up with him. He’s been in no contact for months. She tried to friend zone him. He hasn’t heard a peep from her and he’s just like, “What happened?” So he writes this email and just goes on and on about how great things are.
However, since I’ve been doing this for multiple decades now, there are things that she said to him that communicate exactly how she felt about him, most importantly, what she thought about him. It’s clear that this particular guy, in her eyes, was not somebody she admired, not somebody she respected and certainly not a man that she looked up to.
There are things in the email that she said to him that he reveals that tell me exactly how she felt that way about him, then I can tell what he was doing wrong, because that’s why he writes an email. Often times when I get these kinds of emails, guys are like, “All you do is blame the dude, you don’t blame the girl.” Well, the guy wrote an email to me asking me to critique what he did right, what he did wrong, what he should do differently, what can he do to put himself in a position to where, if she does reach back out, that he can seduce her and slowly attract her back.
The bottom line is, women don’t dump men they’re in love with. That’s a fact of life. One of the things that you see, one of the nonsensical things that you see pushed by the red pill community, is just, “Oh, women will just up and leave you for the hell of it.” That is not true. Guys who say that don’t understand attraction. They don’t understand women. So when I see guys saying things like that, I can already tell you, nothing that comes out of their mouth afterwards is even worth listening to, because they don’t know their asshole from a hole in the ground when it comes to women. So I’m here to decipher what is going on.
There’s a lot of little subtle things going on under the surface. Since I’ve been through the email, you can tell that he basically turned her into his mommy and his therapist. Even some of the things that she said to him, you can tell that’s the way she was looking towards him. In other words, he made her the man in the relationship. She was basically the leader and she stayed and just upped and left. That’s why they haven’t spoken in a whole month. He’s shocked about this, because she stayed. This is what happens with most women, because 75% of the time, women initiate divorce, initiate the breakup. Usually when they leave, their feelings are completely gone.
You have to be more masculine than the woman. It’s clear that this guy was not, even though he does a lot of dude-like things, he still made her the leader in the relationship. I’m sure as I go through this email, he’s going to hear a lot of things he doesn’t like, but I don’t think he’s read 3% Man yet, because if he had, a lot of the things he was doing wrong would have jumped out.
I’ve done a lot of phone sessions over the years with guys start out like this, “Oh, everything was great and wonderful and all of a sudden she dumped me.” So what I do is I have them tell me everything that happened in chronological order from the time they met to where it is today. As he’s explaining things, how they went on and dates, who’s calling who, who’s texting who and their interactions, especially the things that she’s saying to him. Then I can tell what’s really going on, despite the fact that he’s bullshitting himself, which obviously this guy is, and he’s trying to bullshit me.
Bottom line is women don’t leave men just for the hell of it. Like a lot of the guys in the red pill community seem to think, it’s just not how it works. They leave when they’re no longer attracted. They don’t feel respect for the guy. They don’t admire them. They don’t look up to them. Women want to be in a love story. They want a man they admire and respect and look up to, and who sweeps them off their feet. Keep that in mind, the man is supposed to sweep the woman off her feet, right? Well, when I get into the second paragraph here, you’ll see something that this guy says, like he kind of talks like the chick in the relationship.
Just over 5 years ago, my wife of 17 years passed away unexpectedly. I was devastated, lost, but I had only one choice, and that was to move on with my life without her.
Unfortunately, that is the way it is in life. Shit just happens. The economy can go sideways on you, you lose somebody close to you unexpectedly, changes in the law, changes in the industry. All of a sudden you have a successful business. Then months later, you’re bankrupt. That’s life, man. It never is what you expect, but typically when you look back, it’s always what you needed.
Notice what he says next. Remember a man supposed to sweep the woman off her feet? Notice what he says here and this is indicative of his mindset.
That’s why I’ve been doing it so long, even though this guy has done his best to paint this rosy picture of this perfect relationship where everything was great, it’s clear that his mindset was totally wrong. He had the mindset of a girl and not a man who was leading.
About 5 months after that, I met a girl that swept me off my feet.
Yeah, guys are not supposed to talk like that, dude. Maybe say she knocked my socks off, but you obviously were pretty dopey over her.
She was a beautiful, loving, caring, giving, sincere, smart and a true genuine person. We had so much in common, lived five miles from each other, and started what I thought would last a lifetime.
So you could tell he was way more into her than she was into him, and he couldn’t tell. He couldn’t see it. There was a chapter in my book called It’s All In The Numbers. The interest level, attraction level table, if you will, where a woman’s actions will tell you how she feels about you. Obviously, if guys don’t know this, then yeah, they’re going to get bamboozled. Yeah, it would make total sense to just say, “Oh well, women just are fickle and they just up and leave you for the hell of it.” No. They left because they weren’t attracted anymore. That’s a fact of life.
Women don’t dump men that they’re in love with. Guys that say, “Women up and leave for the hell of it,” it’s just a cope, because that’s a great excuse to say, “Hey, it’s not my fault, I don’t have anything to fix. Corey, you’re always picking on the guy.” Well, men are the ones writing me the emails. They’re asking me to critique their game, and that’s what I’m doing here so they can get better.
I’m not one of those guys who’s going to sit here and bitch and complain about women, because at the end of the day, if you’re a man or if you call yourself a man, then you’re going to take personal responsibility for everything in your life, good or bad. As the late, great Don Shula said, “Strong men blame themselves and weak men blame others.”
That’s the thing, I mean, even the Tates apparently are saying don’t associate them with the red pill, because there’s just so much nonsense in that community.
She opened me up to a completely different life than I had (hiking, biking, camping, boating, trips, cooking, etc).
Again, that’s typically the kind of thing a woman says about a guy. So she was clearly the leader in the relationship. She was the man in the relationship. I could just tell by the way he talks about her, because I’ve been doing this for so long.
She was helpful and generous with my unfinished projects around my house, buying me useful things like sinks, toilets, patio furniture, kitchen stuff, you name it, just about everything. In return, since I’m an ex auto mechanic of 22 years, and very handy with just about anything, I would help her with her cars and other things that needed attention around her place.
After six months together, we took a two-week trip to Fiji. We had the time of our lives. It brought us even closer. It wasn’t soon after that, she told me she loved me.
She told you she loved you, and that was six months after you met. So here we are, four and a half years after that. Now guys will think, “Hey, she fell in love with me after six months.” Well, she was in love with you after six months, but she dumped you a month ago because she’s not in love with you anymore.
So what happened at that Fiji trip? Doesn’t really matter. It only applied in that moment. You got to think of a woman’s attraction towards you. It fluctuates like the weather. You can’t get butt-hurt about it. That’s just the way they are. That’s why, as a man, you can’t be diminished about whether or not the girl is in your life or not. Doesn’t matter. You’re going to be happy. You’re good either way. If she decides to leave you, well, you’ll find somebody else.
I was in shock, because she initially said she didn’t like that word, probably because of her failed marriage and divorce of 12 years.
Well, it just shows. “Oh, I don’t like saying ‘love,'” but she says I love you. Why? Because she was feeling it at the time.
It was an ugly split with her hiding in the closet when he came home. He was very demanding, traveled a lot, she felt like a single mom.
She has two kids, one is a sophomore in college and the other is a senior in high school.
So she’s pretty much an empty nester.
I have no kids. I’ve always been supportive of her activities with her kids and understanding when we couldn’t get together for the night if they were over, or because of their sports activities, etc.
So, to keep a long story short, she broke up with me two weeks ago after five years together.
Oh, I thought it was a month ago. My bad. Again, women only dump men that they’ve lost attraction and respect for. If she doesn’t respect you, she can never love you. If you made her the man in your relationship, which from the little things that you’re saying and little clues in your email, even though you tried to cover it up with flowery, “Oh, she’s totally in love with me.” Well, she fell in love after six months of being together, but that’s four and a half years ago.
She said she needed time to focus on herself, maybe start a new career, which she has plenty of time since she is retired, lives alone, and I work a full time job.
So when a woman says she needs to focus on herself, typically that’s in response to being smothered or feeling smothered. As Thích Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free,” and she didn’t feel free. She felt like she’s bending herself into a pretzel to please this guy, or not upset him, or to be what he thought she wanted. Or she tried to be what she thought he needed.
At the end of the day, if I was to talk to her, she’s going to tell me she felt like she lost herself in the relationship. In other words, she couldn’t be authentic. Couldn’t be real. Maybe because he’d get upset. Like I said, there’s some other clues that we get a little further along in the email that just perfectly illustrate.
Again, I’ve been doing this a long time. It’s pretty easy to spot these things, but for the average person that doesn’t know any better, especially for dudes in the red pill community, this shit’s going to go right over their head.
I would be 100% supportive in anything she chose to do, and I’ve expressed that.
Yeah, the reason she tells you she needs to focus on herself is because she felt like she lost herself in the relationship. She couldn’t be who she really was. Probably because you would get upset.
We never fought, always had great sex, shared nights at each other’s houses, went on lots of weekend getaways, and basically just had a blast in everything we did.
“Everything was great, Corey. It was so amazing, just so super amazing.” Then it wasn’t. Again, this is a guy that’s completely focused on how he feels about her. He could never tell how she actually felt about him, obviously. That’s why he’s so blindsided by all this. He gives more evidence.
All of our friends said we were awesome together, and looked like the textbook perfect couple. I agreed.
Well, I had a friend of mine that I knew both him and his wife, and they always put a great image on when they were out in public, but behind closed doors he’s sleeping in the guest room. They hadn’t had sex in three years. Then one day I’m hanging out with him. He’s like, “Oh yeah, me and my wife are done.” I was like, “What?”
After we were hanging out together at dinner, he was telling me what happened and I was like, “Dude, why didn’t you call me? Why didn’t you tell me? You guys always maintain like you had the perfect relationship and everything is wonderful.” He’s like, “Yeah, I didn’t want to call you and tell you I’m being a bitch to my wife.” Well, they’re divorced.
He has since gotten remarried. The ink was barely dry on his divorce papers. Literally weeks after he got his divorce finalized, he was remarried to another girl. He’s making some of the same mistakes the longer they’re together, but he knows best.
Always excited to see each other, even up until the breakup day, which was done by a text (I couldn’t believe it came to that).
This shows you how little respect that she had for you. Five years ago, she was over it for a long time.
I was shocked and in disbelief.
Because you could not tell that she was no longer attracted, because you didn’t know what to look for. Most guys don’t.
This is classic here what she says next. This shows her mindset and her view of this guy. She views him as like a little boy that she’s taking care of, one of her children. Remember the title of the video? If You Make Her Your Mommy, She’ll Make You Her Ex.
She also said her purpose in this relationship was to help me get over the passing of my wife, and said she knew from the beginning that her and I were not going to last.
Pretty obvious. He had no clue, but it’s pretty obvious. He had no clue that she wasn’t that into him.
It’s hard to think she faked the relationship for so long…
She was going along with it. Quite frankly, the amount of drooling that you did in this email to paint the picture of how great and rosy your relationship was, is why you couldn’t see that it wasn’t so great.
Just like my friend who was telling me, and his wife were like, “Oh, these things are so wonderful.” They were so great. They were such good actors in person. The reality is, when nobody is around, what was really going on behind closed doors is like, geez.
So this guy was just delusional. He’s deluding himself. You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.
…Since we had 5 years of incredible moments, and I truly believe she was genuine in everything.
Well, she put on a good act, because she knew that you were lapping up the bullshit, and it was just easier to do that probably because you couldn’t handle it if you thought she wasn’t that into it. So she told you what you needed to hear and you believed everything.
Just like most people that still believe that the news is real, or they believe all the stuff about Donald Trump in the news, or they believe all the stuff about the clot shot. Yeah, I’ve had some interesting conversations with my friends over the last few years about that. When your identity becomes associated with something, the ability to delude yourself and ignore reality is unmatched.
I’m hoping she will change her mind but I’m in no contact now. I have not talked to her face to face, or in person for a month, and I have not texted her for a week.
So you’re together five years and your relationship is supercalifragilistic-expialidocious. You’re not living together. You had no stuff at her house. She had no stuff at yours. She broke up with you over text and you’re shocked. You thought you had the perfect relationship. It’s obvious there was a serious lack of closeness and intimacy there. If after five years you’re not living together, you’ve got no stuff at her place, she’s got none at yours. That’s pretty much the definition of clueless. That’s like living in an alternate reality.
She has not reached out. Just wondering why she lost her attraction for me…
Well, from the get-go, if you look at what she said about you, “Oh, my purpose is to help you get over your wife.” She looked at you in a way that she looked at one of her children. You made her your mommy, and she didn’t respect you. She didn’t admire you. You’re not a man that she would follow.
If you’re together five years, if she’s head over heels in love with you, she’s going to be wanting to co-habitate long time ago, she’s like, “When we get married? Where’s this going?” None of that ever happened, obviously, because they completely lived separate.
Like I said, the fact that she broke up with him over text, there was nothing to exchange? It’s like I said, this dude is completely been living in an alternate reality.
…She said I didn’t do anything to provoke this, and why was it a seemingly overnight decision on her part?
Well, because she wasn’t that into it for a long time. Again, you were projecting your high interest onto her, and you were completely ignoring the fact that she was not feeling it. You obviously made excuses for it. You thought as long as you’re feeling this way, she’s got to be feeling the same because she’s with you.
A lot of guys assume that, but if you look at her actions, dude she broke up with you over text. There was nothing to exchange. The way it sounds like you were just kind of occasional friends with benefits when you each were available. That’s what it sounds like.
The previous night she asked me if I wanted to go to an event that night with her. In the breakup text, she said she would give me a good reference for the new girl I find (Is this a job interview?). Also wanted to be friends, but I declined.
Hopefully you can shed some light and thoughts on this very interesting situation I’m in. I really don’t know what to make of this.
Well, you need to read the book, dude. You need to read this. If you going to have any possible chance of either re-attracting her or attracting another woman in the future, maybe somebody who’s better for you, who is easy going, easy to get along with, and that you can actually tell that she’s into you, because it’s clear this woman really wasn’t that into you.
I mean, five years together and you’re not living together? She breaks up with you over text and there’s nothing to exchange? Yeah, that sounds like your friends with benefits found somebody else.
So more than likely, that’s what happened. She probably met another guy and rode off into the sunset. The reason she wanted to keep you in friend zone was you could be a backup in case it didn’t work out with Chad Thundercock, or whoever she happens to be hanging out with.
The whole vibe, everything, is like he had her there on a pedestal, treated her like a celebrity, and she’s just kind of going along to get along. Eventually, when she had enough, I mean, she said she knew from the beginning that it wasn’t going to go anywhere, and it’s because he wasn’t a leader, but he’s obviously a good guy.
He’s a nice dude, but that’s the problem. He’s too nice. Everything’s wonderful. Everything’s great, “Oh, we have such a great relationship.” Then, just like my buddy, he’s like, “I didn’t want to admit that I’m being a bitch in my marriage.” So instead of admitting that he was being a bitch in his marriage, he just pretended to put on an act to everybody, until the act was no longer sustainable. Eventually he left because, you know, no sex for over three years and all kinds of other verbal and mental abuse that was going on.
You don’t really know what’s going on in people’s minds or behind closed doors. It’s clear here he’s still surprised. Like I said, you read the book dude, there’s a lot of light bulbs that are going to go off and you’re going to go, “Oh, now I see.” So you should be following, if you’re trying to get her back, on what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, but you need to read the book.
You’ve got to change your behavior. You’ve got to start acting like a man and a leader, because if you don’t, the next girl is going to leave you for the exact same reasons. You just cannot do this. You cannot turn a woman into your mommy.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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