If You’re Not Sleeping Together You’re Just Friends

Why a relationship without physical intimacy is just a friendship & how to change it.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who allowed his girlfriend to change the terms of their relationship into a platonic one. She comes from a broken home and has lots of guy friends. They broke up over her guy friends because she won’t set boundaries with them. They are still “together” but don’t have physical intimacy anymore.

He’s stuck in friend-zone and doesn’t realize it. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who looks like he allowed his girlfriend to change the terms of their relationship into a platonic one, and he doesn’t seem to have realized it yet.

So apparently she comes from a broken home, has tons of guy friends, and they broke up over her guy friends because she won’t set boundaries with them. In other words, she’s like, “I’m an independent woman. You’re being controlling.” So this is what happens. Girls that grow up without fathers, didn’t get attention from her dad growing up, she seeks it through multiple men and often has a Frankenstein boyfriend project going, which includes a boyfriend, usually. Then there’s other guys she may be talking to, potentially hooking up with or guys she potentially will monkey-branch to if she gets rid of the primary guy.

So they’re still together, but they don’t have physical intimacy anymore, and he’s basically got friend-zoned and doesn’t even realize it.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I’m Bob from India. I’ve read your book about 11-12 times and watched literally more than 300-400 of your videos. I watch them regularly as the new ones are uploaded.

This email might be lengthy, so I apologize, but I want to give you the whole picture, or at least try to. So here it goes…

My girlfriend and I have been together since February 2021. Early in the relationship, or even before the relationship, she used to do all the pursuing and was super into me. I didn’t know about your work then, but I was just doing things right somehow.

Probably because you weren’t super into her. It’s easy for most guys to do more things right than wrong when they don’t really care and they’re not that into the girl, but when they’re dating somebody they really like and really knocks their socks off, they typically completely change and treat the woman different than the woman that they’re not that into.

The key is, as I talk about in 3% Man, you got to treat them all the same. Let them be the ones to win you over and do all the calling, texting and pursuing because they will as long as you treat them right and they’re normal and healthy women. Women just naturally are chasers. Even though if you got a room full of women together and ask them that, they all go, “Oh no, I want the man to chase me. Men are supposed to be the pursuers,” well, men pursue in the beginning to start the courtship, but it’s the women who pick up the baton and run with it. In the old movies, 50, 60, 70 years ago, the women were always chasing the most eligible bachelors, trying to get him to settle down and have babies. Nowadays you see the exact opposite. So you got a whole society that’s basically brainwashed into dysfunctional archetypes, and they behave the way that they get propagandized by and it repulses each other.

She said she loves me and asked to be exclusive. While we were in a hotel together, here in India, sex before marriage is still a big thing and I’m her first lover. 

Or so you think.

We used to go to hotels almost regularly, and she used to lie to her mom that she was going to her friend’s house for a night stay. Point being, she was enamored by me and was very open to me both physically and mentally. She’s the type to get attached very easily, so naturally, she got super attached to me. Her relationship with her father is nonexistent. Her father lives with the family but is just not in their lives at all, and she has told me as well that she doesn’t want her man to be like her father. It’s just her mom, brother and herself.

So even though dad’s physically present in the house, he’s emotionally and mentally checked out and it is somewhere else. The lights are on, but nobody’s home. So you might as well be a lampshade.

Anyways, things were going super well. We were hanging out, having fun and hooking up regularly she was just so open to me. Then six months into our relationship, her mom was suspicious that she was lying and so she checked her phone and read our sex chats and me telling her that I forgot my underwear in the hotel room, which obviously like I said, all this is a big thing here in India. 

How do you forget your underwear in a hotel room? Maybe if you brought a suitcase, you left an extra pair there, but how do you go into a hotel room to hook up and then leave? “Oh, shit. I forgot my underwear!” It’s like, how does that happen? Just curious…

What made me super mad at her was that she knew her mom knew her password, but she thought her mom would never check her phone. 

Yeah. Big shock!

Me being the logical person, told her how stupid can someone be as to have nukes in the drawer and keep it unlocked for the world to come and take it from you (I don’t know if I was right or wrong to scold her here, but I did it).

Well, it was probably better to say something than nothing at all, because that is pretty stupid. Especially if she’s deceiving her parents, it’s very piss poor operational security.

Her mother then obviously wanted to meet me, so I did meet her and made a good impression. She allowed us to be in a “relationship,” but told her that no more hotels, XYZ. That’s where our hookup part ended…

OK well, that’s where your relationship ended because then you just became friends after that.

…And from then it was just hang out and have fun. I kind of resented her for being so stupid, but then eventually got over it.

It’s like well, you were friends. You were no longer lovers.

There was no intimacy in our relationship after that for a while, until things calmed down, which took some months. This was the post-COVID era, so she was working from home, and ever since we got into a relationship, I was the only guy she talked to. The rest were her girl friends.

Well, as far as you know.

I loved that and knew she loved me, so I kinda overlooked the hookup part as two of my childhood friends got pregnant (With raincoat) and our situation was also kind of out of both our hands, so I wanted things to calm down a bit. 

Yeah, you got friend-zoned.

Fast forward late 2023, her office called employees to work from office twice a week. Naturally she went and started making friends there. Guys being guys, they would get close to her, try and be friends with her. That’s where we stopped seeing eye-to-eye.

So again, this is what happens. Even though the dad’s at home, she has no relationship with him. He taught her nothing.

I started getting jealous as I knew what their intentions were, so no intimacy and her suddenly having so many guy friends and having a completely naive view about their intentions made me mad.

Well, the other thing is, the reason why you’re unable to get her to comply with keeping these guys at a distance is because you’re no longer sleeping with her. She just views you as a friend, so she doesn’t respect you as a man. That’s why she doesn’t give a damn what your opinion is.

To top it all off, I had her SnapChat logged in my phone. She gave it to me herself, as she was going out of town and wanted me to maintain streaks with her friends. I agreed.

That’s so soy. Can you imagine? I mean like, this just sounds very childish and immature.

I went through her chat with one of her childhood school male friend and read their sex chats and it was mainly her doing it naturally. I was stunned.

So she’s not having sex with you, stopped having sex with you years ago, and she’s talking about sex with male friends. So we know she’s a liar because she lied to her mom constantly and you thought, “Well, she’s just covering up for us.” Then you find out, “Oh, she’s lying to me, too!” Character is destiny.

Confronted her when she came back. She maintained that, “We are just friends” and “This was just a joke” (C’MON BRUH). Although I believe they are just friends now, as that guy at that time had a serious girlfriend and is married now, but I can’t believe that. 

“She maintained that we are just friends.” I don’t know if she’s talking about this guy and her are “Just friends,” or the supposed boyfriend and her are “Just friends.”

I told her to stop any interactions with him, especially personal, ones but she can go out when all her friends are there as well. She rebelled, said she won;t do any of that and that guy will remain her friend and will be in her life. Me being fed up with all that ended things. Which came as a shock to her she begged me not to said she will remove him now even if we don’t stay together. Which she did.

The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it.

She also told her friends about this and they took my side saying I wasn’t wrong.

Well, it’s clear she’s just being disloyal, and that’s not a behavior you excuse. She lied to cover up your relationship to her mother, and she lied about her true interactions with these supposed guy friends. So from that point forward, you catch her in multiple lies and multiple deceptions. That’s who she is. That’s not somebody I would want to be exclusive with. In this case, I mean, she stopped sleeping with him two years ago. So what does it really matter? They’re just friends anyways, and he’s just not realizing it.

We got back together after a week as she begged me to and I also didn’t want to lose her over something that’s not even there anymore. After that our relationship, just wasn’t the same anymore, too many fights, arguments, etc. Then came her office friends, same thing happened. I told her to maintain a healthy distance. She said she won’t. I broke up again. She said OK and didn’t even ask me to stay. At that point, she had lost all attraction. I was just being a whiny beta male. It was easy for her to let me go as she lost all attraction/attachment to me.

Yep, she had checked out a long time ago.

We broke up. I was hooking up a lot with prostitutes and also girls I could get, but mainly prostitutes (I know not a good thing. I stopped after I realized this was not the way to cope with this).

Yeah…

After five months of no-contact and after I stopped hooking up with prostitutes, I sent her a text. She replied, I asked her to meet me. She agreed. While together, she told me she’s seeing some guy at the office…

Oh, big shock!

…Wasn’t in a relationship with him but just going with the flow. He was pursuing her and she, in an attempt to get over me, was entertaining that.

Nothing stopped. It’s just now she’s just admitting that the friends from the office are actually a little more than friends. Character is destiny. You’re not going to fix this girl. You’re not going to change her. She doesn’t respect you. Loyalty doesn’t mean anything. She’ll look you right in the eye and lie to you. She’s been practicing that with her family her whole life.

You got to see reality as it is, and unfortunately, you’re seeing it as better than it is. As Ayn Rand said, “You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.”

She told me she spent countless nights crying over me we had an emotional heart-to-heart, but still disagreed about guy friends.

Well, your values are in conflict. Again, she doesn’t respect you or like you enough to do anything to change her behavior. She just knows she can bullshit you for a bit, tell you what you want to hear, and then when it looks like the coast is clear, she’ll just go right back to doing the same thing. She’s consistently done that.

She wanted me to trust her and leave her be. She will make the right decisions and won’t let any guy go out of line. That’s when I came across your work. Having read your book and watched your videos about guy friends it solidified my view even more. I stood my ground and she hers. We both decided that it was a lost cause and we should just move on.

I went no-contact this time, reading your book and watching hundreds of your videos to sleep diligently. I had made up my mind that this was it. To my surprise, she reached out to me after a month and a half.

After ending things with the other guy (Probably he wasn’t stimulating her emotions enough), she came back to me, but I had a mindset shift at that point. I was just focused on the 3 H’s. With the mindset that if she asked to be exclusive, I’ll draw my line that no guy friends, “Take it or leave it” attitude. 

And you got to be having sex. It’s ridiculous to be friends with a girl and not be having sex with her, but act like you’re in a relationship. Meanwhile, she’s entertaining all of the men at the office and going out on dates, and you’re buying her bullshit excuse that, “Oh, it’s just friends.”

She asked to be exclusive and agreed to having no personal interaction with any guy, only group interactions in the office and office related work. I found this reasonable as she she can’t choose who to work with and accepted. 

Well, we know that she lies and she says things she doesn’t mean, so I would never expect her to honor that commitment.

Our relationship went good after this and me now aware of your work was doing more things right than wrong. Then came her office promotion and her exam she had to study for the said promotion. She just completely got focused on that, which I supported her on, but she had no time for us we were barely meeting. Basically three months of not talking for days and meeting for weeks. 

Yeah again dude, you are friend-zoned. There’s nothing going on here.

Meanwhile, I had asked her out for a hotel stay twice, she said, “Yes, but not right now,” some excuse and never bought it up again.

Yeah, you’re her gay male girlfriend, dude. Your relationship ended two years ago and you just have not been willing to admit what’s going on.

And then her friend wanted us to go on a double date. I agreed to it. We made a plan, date, time and venue, but she has this extra care and biases towards her friends she just always cares about them more.

Well, that’s because she doesn’t give a shit about you. That’s what you’re ignoring. I know you say you read the book a bunch, which is great, but you’re ignoring the fact that she has low to no interest in you at all. You’re not lovers. You’re just simply platonic friends, and occasionally you get together and hang out, and she allows you to buy her dinner or whatever it is that you do for her, but you ain’t getting no pussy anymore.

So your relationship ended a couple years ago, dude. You’re still stuck in the past and stuck in this fantasy as if you guys are together, but it ended a long time ago.

This time, as well on the day of our plan, she was on my ass telling me to come a bit early even though she knew I couldn’t, then saying she’ll go meet them alone and I come join them. That frustrated me a lot and I canceled the plans. 

Yeah, if she’s not going to wait for you, fuck her. You’re not getting laid anyways.

So now after her exams, promotions and this friend scene, I could see that we’re just not close. I tried opening her up, asked her what’s wrong, tried getting it out of her 3-4 separate times. She said nothing and everything’s fine every time.

I told her, “This isn’t how relationships work. We need to communicate, spend time with each other and actually be in each others life…”

So again, this tells me you’re doing all the pursuing. You’re doing all the chasing after this. It never got back to the way it was in the very beginning where she was doing all the pursuing, probably because even though you read the book, you were unable to apply it. You were unable to control yourself, your emotions, your actions, and you continued pursuing and chasing, seeking your attention and validation and basically acting like a chick. Meanwhile, she continues to hang out with dudes from the office. She doesn’t want to spend any time with you, so she’s clearly seeing and probably fucking somebody else.

…(She will also leave the country for 11 months. We’ll have to do long-distance…

Don’t do it. There’s nothing between you guys. It ended two years ago. I know that’s probably harsh to hear, but that’s the truth, dude.

…And then she’s asking us to get married after her brother comes back).

Yeah, I don’t think so. You guys don’t see each other. You don’t spend time together. You don’t fuck. She doesn’t even want to hang out. On top of that, you’re acting like a girl chasing after her, and she’s giving you nothing. It’d be like, “Marriage? Like, what are you talking about, marriage? We don’t even see each other. We don’t sleep together. There’s nothing going on between us.” That’s what I’d be saying but again, you’re all wrapped up in this fantasy of the way it used to be, and you’re completely delusional because you don’t accept reality.

She said she’s not well and will talk about this after she recovers. I agreed. Been in no-contact ever since, and I don’t plan on contacting her.

Am I doing the right thing?

Well, there’s nothing going on between you guys. So the fact that you went no-contact and she never reached out tells me that you were doing 100% of the pursuing since you got back together, and she’s making no effort. She didn’t want to see you. It’s like you’re not applying what’s in the book at all. You’re completely doing the opposite of it.

It’s also her birthday month, but I want her to reach out and make efforts. I’ll just focus on setting dates.

Thanks for the wisdom, Coach. Although I still have a long way to go. Hopefully you make a video on this as I would really like your input. 

Bob

Well, if I were you dude, I’d be reading the book, applying it, meeting and dating other women. Don’t call or contact her for any reason. You got to follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, but quite frankly, I wouldn’t get back together with her. She’s not loyal. She doesn’t respect you. She’s leaving for 11 months. It’s like, “Hey, hit me up when you’re back in the country, and if I’m still single and available, maybe we can go out on a date. That’s all I can promise.” That would be my attitude. Stop talking to her on the phone. Stop chasing her. Stop.

Again, you said you’re in no-contact, so that needs to be forever. Read the article and video and watch 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, actually follow what it says, and get back, read the book and apply what’s in the book, because you’ve completely done the opposite. I’m surprised that you read the book as many times as you said you did, and you still think you actually had a relationship with this girl. You were just her friend and you occasionally saw her, and as soon as you stopped reaching out, you haven’t heard anything. It’s clear she’s over you. She doesn’t care about you. She’s clearly dating and fucking somebody else that’s not you.

So you got to accept that reality and move on with your life, and if she ever does reach out in the future, you can invite her over to your place, hang out, have fun and hook up. I don’t know, maybe you live with your parents, but you gotta have a place. You gotta have a place for sex and intimacy to happen.

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