Ignorance Of How Attraction Works Leads To Rejection

Why ignorance of how attraction works leads to loss of female attraction and eventually rejection.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a new viewer who found out about my work after he broke up with his girlfriend. He didn’t understand how attraction works and unknowingly was turning her off and causing her to lose interest. In his frustration, he broke up with her and then regretted it a few weeks later.

He tried to get her back, but she said no. He asks if there is anything that can be done. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

What I liked about this particular email, why I chose to go through it is because you can kind of see how this guy did enough to attract this girl into his life and get into a relationship, and then once he was in the relationship, he started displaying a lot of unattractive behavior when he became unsure of himself. You can see it just starts to downward spiral. Things aren’t going the way he wants, she’s not reacting the way he wants, so his solution to fix that is to break up with her. And then a few weeks later, he regrets it and tries to get her back, but she doesn’t want to get back together.

Now, it’s two months later, and since then he’s gone through my book, How To Be A 3% Man, six times, and he asks if there’s any possibility that he can get another chance or work things out with her. So, this is a good email for a guy that might be in this particular situation, to hopefully not get to the point where this guy did, where he blew his relationship because he was frustrated, basically. He figures if he just breaks up with her, that will solve the problem, because he’s in pain. And all it ended up doing was making things way worse.

He says in his email, he’s hoping that people will read this and not do the same stupid things that he did. But in his defense, he didn’t know any better. And if this pain and this breakup hadn’t happened, he would never had a reason to pick up How To Be A 3% Man. If you’re your new, and this is the first time on my website or seeing a video of mine, you can How To Be A 3% Man for free, along with Mastering Yourself, my second book, and obviously my third book, Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations, which ties the concepts in both books together. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter, and you can be reading it instantaneously in your web browser.

Viewer’s Email:

Dear Corey, 

I discovered you after a breakup with a girl who I still love, even though I ended it. I wish I could go back in time and apply what I’ve now learned, (read the book 6 times, so getting there!), but I hope your listeners can get something from my story and you may be able to help with some advice going forwards.

Back story: this is the hottest girl in my university course; blonde, surfer chick, couple years older than me, world traveler, independent, etc., (I know, I put her on a pedestal: mistake #1). I knew I wanted to get to know her as soon as she walked in the lecture hall.

Fast forward a year later, I ended my previous 4-year relationship and started talking to her through replying to some of her Instagram stories sporadically, planting the seed, taking it slow. (I never saw her in person because she never came to social events.) In the end, my self-confidence and belief that I’m a good catch got me in with her, and we started dating!

So, he had the self-confidence that’s necessary to be attractive. In other words, he acted like a guy who not only deserved to be there, but he gave her the vibe that she was also on probation. Because a lot of guys, when they meet the hot girl – like in this case, this was the hottest girl in school, in his mind and in his eyes – when that happens, most guys just completely fall apart. It’s like kryptonite to Superman.

I think it was Doc Love that said a beautiful woman is like kryptonite to the average guy. They just literally fall apart when they get around her. And this guy didn’t do that, at least not in the beginning. He displayed masculinity and decisiveness and attractiveness, and was very casual when he would see her story and reply to it. I mean, at the end of the day, if she had no interest, didn’t think he was cute or interesting, she would have never replied or acknowledged him. And plus, he wasn’t able to see her anyway. I assume this kind of happened during the lockdowns, when people weren’t going to class and were working remotely.

After 3 months, I asked her to be my girlfriend because I didn’t want to play games.

Well, the reality is ‘the games’ are really just a woman’s way to determine if you are worthy. Because if you’re going to be hanging out, having fun and hooking up, even if she’s on birth control or you’re using condoms, there is always the possibility that you still slip one past the goalie and there’s a pregnancy involved. And if that happens, you’re looking at a 20-25 year commitment of really being in each other’s lives to help raise a child. That’s assuming you’re going to be a good parent and not a deadbeat parent. So, there’s a lot of risk. There’s more of a downside risk for the woman when it comes to sex than the guy.

She ecstatically said yes, (mistake #2?).

Anybody that’s read “How To Be A 3% Man” knows that if you apply what’s in there, and assuming you’re dealing with a normal, healthy woman and not a lunatic or a fruit loop, by week six or seven, she’s going to be in love with you and be bringing up exclusivity, either directly or indirectly, by hinting at it. And I discuss in the book how to recognize those signs and when to bring that up. But if he’s dating her for three months, obviously, he’s got holes in his game or he’s got a knowledge gap that he didn’t even know that he had. And so, three months later, if he’s asking her to be his girlfriend, that tells me she wasn’t emotionally that into it, because she wasn’t bringing it up.

She told me this is her first relationship, that she’s introverted and that she pushes people away she gets close to, “not me” I thought. 

I would say, her experience, her being very beautiful, most men tend to pedestalize her. They get a few months in, they basically start losing their shit and chase her out of their lives. And so, the way she says she pushes people away, in other words, she pushes people away when they turn her off and she loses attraction for them. Up until that point in her life, that’s pretty much what has always happened. Guys get with her, they’re with her for a period of time, and she’s like kryptonite to them. The guys just literally fall apart, start displaying weakness, and then she pushes them away – pretty much what happened with him.

And if you know any really super beautiful women, that’s typically what happens to a lot of them. Especially when they’re younger and they don’t know any better, they don’t know how to tell which guys have got their act together and which don’t. And that’s why, if you’re a father and you’ve got a daughter or you’ve got a sister, you should give them a copy of “How To Be A 3% Man,” so they can learn to recognize the patterns of a guy that has his act together, so they don’t get involved with a guy that’s an idiot, or that’s clueless, or doesn’t want to learn, or doesn’t want to get better.

Things were going really well. We would stay over at each other’s houses 2-3 times per week and go on dates, etc. Being my second relationship, I thought I knew what women liked…

Well, pride cometh before the fall.

…and treated her as my ex would have wanted to be treated. I then told her I loved her, (‘because I’ve got balls’ I believed). This was 3.5 months in. Looking back, too early, DAMN IT!

She wasn’t saying it to you. That’s that’s the interesting thing. And here’s also a reality check. Most men can’t tell when a woman is in love. A lot of women marry guys they’re not in love with, and the guys have absolutely no idea. And so, she didn’t bring up being in a relationship, and she also wasn’t saying “I love you” almost four months in, but he said it first. So, that tells me she wasn’t feeling it.

From here, she was kind of cold…

Yeah, because at that point, the leverage and the power has now flipped to her side. And so, she can tell that you’ve got her on a pedestal and you’re way more into her than she is into you. In essence, she’s just kind of going along with things. And that’s the problem; guys in this situation just assume if she says yes, she really means it. But women don’t want to hurt your feelings, and so they go along with it and they go, “Oh, well, maybe with enough time, I’ll fall in love with him.”

…a little bit less attentive, etc., which is important for me.

The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And when you notice the kitty cat is kind of bored with you, you should encourage the kitty cat to go roam the neighborhood. In other words, you give her the gift of missing you. You want to match and mirror her actions. If she seems like she’s starting to take you for granted, you should call her out on that. But if she continues doing that, then you should start to disappear a little bit.

Take a little bit longer to reply to her text, because if she’s becoming cold and less attentive, then I would do the same thing. The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And what’s happening here is that she’s removing her attention from you, because her interest is dropping and you’re not recognizing it. I mean, granted, at that particular time, you hadn’t read “How To Be A 3% Man” yet. You didn’t know what you didn’t know.

I started focusing on the relationship…

In other words, he started acting even more feminine and unsure of himself, which is going to lower her attraction even more.

…and the things I wanted from her too much, I think, but I didn’t convey this.

Well, love is about giving. You go to a relationship to give. Love is allowing. It’s allowing the other person to come and go. It doesn’t mean they go off and sleep with other dudes. It just means if they go off and hang out with their girlfriends, or they decide to do something else over the weekend instead of hanging out with you, if you didn’t have plans and then their weekend’s full, you’re not bothered or perturbed by it.

Instead, a man who’s got his shit together is actually going to be excited. “Great. Now I can have a guys weekend” or “I can go camping with the dudes,” or “I can go to the gun range,” or” I can go on a trip with the boys,” or “We can go to Vegas,” or whatever it happens to be. You should be excited.

The real trouble started when she told me she was going away for 5 weeks to see her friends, as she is from interstate. I kind of felt blindsided, but live your life, girl.

That also shows that she didn’t even tell him about this until, “Oh, by the way, I’m going out of town for five weeks.” It just shows there’s there’s a lack of closeness and intimacy in the relationship, because, again, he has basically put her on a pedestal and is treating her like a celebrity, and she’s treating him like a fan.

I then casually asked her if I could meet her up there to meet some of her friends…

Again, he’s seeking her attention and validation, “Please, can I spend time with you?” Does he sound like a guy who’s acting like a prize? It sounds like a dude that is begging her to spend time with him.

…to which she said she “didn’t want to be my tour guide.”

Ouch. So, what does that tell you about her interest? It’s pretty low. In other words, she’s basically saying, “I don’t want to be around you.”

I was taken aback and, without losing my cool, said that it was a rude thing to say.

That’s good that you said that. I would have said, “That’s not very nice. That’s not very loving. It’s not a very sweet thing for a girlfriend to say. How would you like it if I was going to be gone for five weeks with my guy friends, and you want to come and hang out with me, and I’m like, ‘Yeah, I don’t want to be your tour guide.’ That’s not loving at all, and I don’t appreciate that.”

You’ve got to set and enforce healthy boundaries. If somebody is taking you for granted, you’ve got to call them out on it. And if they continue taking you for granted, then you give them the gift of missing you. Then you back away, then you match and mirror their actions. You take a little bit longer to reply, you spend less time with her. You touch her less.

Again, if you follow what’s in “How To Be A 3% Man,” everything in the book is designed to get a woman chasing you from the beginning and keeping her doing that. Because the reality is they’re going to be happiest that doing that anyway, because women are designed to seek out and get a man’s attention. That’s why they do their nails and their hair, and they try on 20 outfits. And they wear tight fitting clothes and show their boobs. And they put all the war paint on their faces. And they spend three hours in the hair and nail salon, just because they understand, innately, that men are visual creatures, and so they make themselves visually appealing, so they can draw us into their world.

She wanted a break for a week…

Her interest is really low. It’s probably in the five range at that point. Women don’t want a break for a week from men they’re in love with. They want a break from guys that are acting needy, insecure and that are smothering them. And I would say the reason why she’s going away for five weeks and then blindsided him with it is because, to her, that was the escape. Because she was already feeling smothered and he had no idea. He just assumed, “Hey, she’s with me, she must like me.” But if you look at her actions, her actions communicate that she’s just not that into it.

…which we took, and got back together afterwards.

He doesn’t say who called who or who reached out to whom. More than likely, he reached out to her after a week.

She was on a high when we got back together. I backed off emotionally a bit, and then she told me she loved me. It was like a lightbulb went off in her.

Yeah, you started kind of taking your power back, at least at that particular moment in time.

But still, I wanted to understand why she said that, so I had a look at her text messages, (fuck I’m needy), and she told her friends I needed to grow a pair. I told her what she said wasn’t cool.

The reality is, it communicates she doesn’t respect him, and she perceives him as being weak and soft and needy, which is unattractive. In other words, she’s basically saying, “you’re not acting like a man, you’re acting like a little boy.” And women want a man, not little boys. They don’t want to teach you how to be a man. They want you to know this already.

Fast forward two weeks later, I met her on her holiday, (which she was ecstatic about at the start). I accidentally broke her surfboard, (which I repaired for $400 and apologized for too many times), and then she stonewalled me for 3 days.

This just tells me that he’s chasing and pursuing and drooling all over her, and she’s pushing him away. So, I guess, basically, she ghosted him for three days.

So, I ended the relationship and effectively ‘grew a pair.’

Well, all you really did was communicate that you were butt-hurt, that you were uncentered and you sought to punish her. But again, you didn’t know what you didn’t know.

But I practically broke my own heart, and she seemingly does not care at all, and I kind of regret breaking it off.

Well, guys do that thinking, “if I break up with her, then she’ll really like me,” because rejection breeds obsession. But if her interest is so low and she doesn’t care, typically, what women do is they drive guys to the point where hopefully the guys end the relationship. But when the guy never gets around to that and things just continue getting worse, the woman stays until she literally has no feelings for the guy anymore. And then she leaves without any remorse, because she literally doesn’t feel it at all. And that’s why it’s so easy when women get to that stage for them to move on, break up with you, and then the next week, they’re all over some other dude in the bar.

I acted weak and asked to get back together, to which she said no. I haven’t stopped regretting it for the last 2 months but am slowly getting better.

The thing that you’re not recognizing is that Elvis had left the building months before this all happened, and you were unable to tell that her interest was plummeting.

Thanks for all your videos and help! I know I can do better than I did in that relationship. But are men not allowed to say when their partner hurts them?

Bob

That’s not the problem. There’s nothing wrong with calling them out and communicating that what they did was unloving, and not very kind, and not becoming of a good girlfriend. The problem is, is that you are constantly doing things that make yourself look weak and unattractive by constantly seeking her attention and validation, and doing most of the pursuing, and not recognizing the fact that she was losing interest in you.

And so, you’re basically thinking that you telling her that she hurt you, or you were upset about the few things that you mentioned in your email was what led to the breakup. No, it was you acting weak and unattractive consistently over many months. The fact that you brought up being in a relationship, and then ignoring the fact that she’s asking for a break. A temporary break really is just a temporary breakup to see how they feel about you when you’re no longer around. And if they don’t miss you, that tells you everything you need to know.

But, at this point, what’s done is done. You broke up with her, you wanted to try to get another chance, and she said no. He says “I acted week, asked her to get back together, which she said no, and I haven’t stopped regretting it for the last two months.” But the reason she said no is she was already so turned off. It wasn’t just because of what you did at the end. What you did at the end was kind of the last straw. She was already gone. Her heart was already out of there. And that’s the thing you’re ignoring.

And at this point, you wanted to get back together and work it out, she said no, so the only thing you can do at this point is you never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. So, I wouldn’t call her or text her again for any reason. You’ve done all you can do. If she ever reaches out, you’re going to be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” You’re not going to meet at a café, get coffee or do any kind of lunch or platonic things. She’s got to come to your place. And the farthest distance you’re going to be willing to travel to see her is the distance that it takes to go from wherever you are in your house to your front door to let her in, so you guys can make dinner together and hang out, have fun and hook up.

I’d let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. But at this point, it’s been two months. It’s possible you never hear from her again. If you never hear from her again, then what that will tell you is that when you finally did break up with her, she was probably relieved because her feelings were completely gone at that point. Too many things had happened, you just displayed too much unattractive behavior. You were constantly communicating that you didn’t think you were worthy. You were putting her on a pedestal, kissing her ass.

Women want a man they can look up to and admire and respect. And if you’re looking up at her and looking down upon yourself, that’s not a guy she’s going to look up to and respect. That’s a guy that’s basically constantly communicating that he’s not worthy. And if you do that enough, eventually the woman is going to agree with you. Her actions will communicate that you are not worthy and you don’t deserve to be in her life. It’s harsh, but it’s the way it is. This kind of pain is the thing that causes you to move in a new direction and start reading a book like “How To Be A 3% Man” 10 to 15 times.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.

“Women are naturally attracted to confidence, decisiveness and men who have a compelling purpose and mission they are trying to accomplish in life. Men who do not understand how attraction works tend to display a lack of confidence and communicate that they do not feel worthy of their women. This lack of confidence and self-love causes women to not feel safe trusting their masculine core and lowers romantic attraction. When men sense this loss of attraction, they typically start seeking female attention and validation to find out where they stand, which further erodes attraction and interest. In their effort to fix things, they typically chase women right out of their lives.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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