In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is 50 years old and has been divorced for the past four years. He has been dating someone he says is a great woman for the past year, but he won’t commit to her because of an ex he really likes that keeps coming back into his life. He thinks she has BPD after reading about the behaviors they display on the Internet. She contacts him, but won’t make dates, and then contacts him at the last minute asking him to meet her out for a drink.
They dated for about two years, but she kept breaking up with him every time she got mad over silly reasons. He is torn on what he should do, because he’s dating a great woman who wants to commit to him, but he’s still in love with the crazy ex. He asks my opinion. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I’ve been following you for 2 years now and actually did a Skype coaching session with you about 18 months ago. I’m 50 and divorced, after my 19-year marriage ended 4 years ago. I met this woman right after my divorce who’s now 53. Here’s my question, which I guess I’m really looking for more clarification than anything. I have an ex that, yes I’m still hung up on. (Keep in mind, we stay hung up on somebody who’s unhealthy and toxic, and deep down we know they’re not good for us, because it’s one of the ways we avoid a relationship altogether, by keeping toxic people in our life. If you’re dating somebody, they’re a fucking lunatic, you keep making excuses for them, and things don’t get any better over time, you’re ignoring reality.)We met 4 years ago and had a major break up 2 years ago. We’ve rekindled things more than once in the last 2 years, but it never lasts for more than 3 months at a time. (After the 5th or 6th time it didn’t work, you’re being delusional thinking you’re going to fix this girl and save her. People who date people who are fucked up or are lunatics usually come from a family with somebody who has mental problems, alcohol problems, or somebody who could never get their shit together, and they were always covering for them. You grow up getting emotionally conditioned to think that’s normal. Then you start dating somebody who has a truckload of fucking problems, and you’re going to make excuses for them too, because it’s all you know. That’s what you learned. It’s not normal, and you’ve got to become strong enough to recognize that. If you have a habit of dating people that are toxic and making excuses, you should definitely google codependency and read about it. It may help you.)
I’ve followed your advice, but I believe she has Borderline Personality Disorder (BDP), so I’m now about done with trying to get back together with her. (Yet you still wrote me an email asking about her. Intellectually you’re thinking you want to ditch this chick and cut her off completely. You know that, but you’re still talking yourself into it, because you think maybe next time things will be different.)
Every time we get back together, everything is going fine, and she finds something wrong that I did and breaks up. (That’s her reality. She doesn’t know normal. She probably grew up in an environment where her whole family is a bunch of fucking lunatics, doing nothing but causing drama and a pain in the ass. But at the end of the day, you’re not a doctor. It’s not your job to fix these people. If you’re healthy and happy, only date people who are healthy and happy also, because dating somebody like this causes you to attract more clients in your business like this or friends you’ll make excuses for who are just screwing you over constantly. You’ve got to recognize those patterns. The universe keeps bringing you those sorts of people, so you can recognize your own weaknesses and blind spots, and just cut it off altogether.)Little things, that in a healthy relationship would be a point of discussion at most. (You’re right. People that have healthy, long-term relationships, that want to live happily ever after, don’t go to bed until the problem is solved.) This, I guess, is a common thing with BPD, as you may know. Another common thing is they like to keep guys tagging along. (Yes, because they’re typically insecure, and they just can’t imagine not having somebody else in the picture. That’s why, when things aren’t going well, they call the male orbiters and hang out. When things start going well, they blow the orbiters off.) They like to know they have options.
So here’s the question. When she reaches out to me via text, I try to make a date. She usually tells me she’s not available for the date and time I’ve picked, so I tell her, “Well check your schedule and get back to me on a date and time that works for you.” She never gets back to me, which is fine, because it tells me her interest level is low, so I just go about my business. She does this about once a month. (Don’t ask her out at all. Obviously you know you shouldn’t be dating this girl. If you want something healthy and happy, you shouldn’t tolerate people like this in your life.)
The problem is because I’m still hung up on her, even though I know I shouldn’t be, it’s hard for me to fully commit to a great woman I’ve been dating for a year now. (Quite frankly, with this great woman you’ve been dating for a year now, if she really knocked your socks off, you would have gotten serious with her and blown off the crazy ex. She’s probably level-headed and has her shit together, but you’re not that into her. You’re wasting her time and she’s wasting yours.)So the clarification question is this, how do I not act needy, but keep her from screwing with my head like this? I mean, why contact me if you don’t want to get together? (It’s easy, delete her from your life, but you’re obviously hard-headed. I would let her do all the initiating. Let her bring up getting together if you still want to hang out and have that crazy sex.)
I feel as though if she does have BDP, she’s just checking in to make sure I still want to see her, and as long as I try to make a date, it shows her I’m still interested, so she moves on to someone else who’s not a sure thing. (Again, don’t ask her out anymore. Let her bring it up, and if she does, then ask her to come over, hang out and make dinner at your place. Don’t go pick her up, don’t go meet her out. Just treat her like a fuck buddy. It’s obvious she’s not capable of anything healthy, plus she’s got all of these other dudes in the background. You’re just deluding yourself thinking she’s going to change or she’s going to be different. It’s not your fault she’s this way. She was like this before she met you. She’s not going to change.)
Sometimes she’ll even call me up at the last minute to meet for a drink. (And you probably drop everything to go meet her. That’s part of your problem.) Even though I should be happy, I feel as though she’s only doing this because her main date fell through, so I’m a sure thing backup, which I don’t like. (Stop asking to get together unless she brings it up.)
I used to meet her, but after listening to your advice I now tell her, “I would love to meet you, but I already have something planned. Unfortunately it’s just too short notice, but I would love to see you, so how about next week,” and I throw out a date and time, to which her standard come back is, “that doesn’t work for me. I’ve already got something planned.” So I then do the, “Well check your schedule and get back to me on a date and time that works for you.” (As I talk about in my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” you bring up getting together two times in a row when she reaches out, but if she won’t do it on your terms, you won’t ask anymore until she brings it up again. So you’re violating the principles. That’s part of your problem. And a big part of it is, she’s a lunatic.) I never hear back from her, then the cycle just continues the next month.How do I cut to the chase with her and let her know I’m tired of these games? (If you’re crazy enough to hang out with her again, let her do 100% of the pursuing, let her bring up getting together and only make dates when she brings up getting together.) I don’t want to come across as weak and needy by saying, “Look you do this every month. You either want to see me, or you don’t. If you want to see me, let’s actually make a date. If you’re just reaching out to make sure I’m interested or use me as a fill in, then stop contacting me.” (Well, part of your mistake is you keep bringing up getting together.)
This last month, I even went to not responding to her text for 8 to 10 hours and didn’t even ask for a date. She mentioned something about the terrible weather and was hoping everything was going good with me. I responded with everything’s going great and told her I was thinking about heading to Florida for a weekend because of the weather. She’s a teacher and came back the next day with how she didn’t have any kids the last half of the day, which is why she was able to text me at that time of day. I responded back 8 hours later again with, “Sounds like a great start to the weekend,” because it was a Friday. I never asked her out and haven’t texted her since.
A year or so ago, I would have responded right away with a lengthy text, but I don’t do those anymore. (So you’ve gotten better. Everybody goes at their own pace. I used to do stupid shit as well, but the whole point of learning the book and learning the fundamentals is to apply them consistently with everybody, because when you read the book backwards and forwards and apply the fundamentals, women like this just get deleted from your life, because you start spending time with people who are healthy, happy and funny, and bring great value to your life. You keep giving this woman a chance thinking things are going to be different. You’re ignoring reality, and therefore you’re suffering the consequences of ignoring reality.)I know you say if you don’t respond, the woman will lose interest and move on, so you need to ask for the date, but I’m always left feeling like a chump. (That tells me you don’t know the fundamentals in the book. That’s not what I say. If she won’t come over, she’s reached out twice in a row, and you keep trying to bring up a date when she does reach out, and she won’t enthusiastically keep a date that you make, you don’t keep asking her out anymore. Make her bring it up.)
I’m a retired Navy Vet, (Thank you for your service), so I know around Memorial Day she’ll call and ask if I want to meet in an hour, because she would like to buy me a beer. I had planned on saying, “Sorry I can’t meet you, because it’s too short of notice and I’ve already got plans” or “I’ve had a long week and want to hang close to home, so if you want to come on by, I’ve got some cold beer in the fridge.” (You’re way over-complicating it dude. Tell her you’ve got to run and keep in touch. She’ll either bring up getting together or she’ll stop contacting you. You’re still trying to force things with somebody who really shouldn’t be in your life. But hey, it’s your life. If you like the crazy, then it’s up to you.
Bottom line though is I know it’s probably going to make me mad, because it’s not like Memorial Day just sneaks up on you where you realize it that day. I know if she really wanted to see me, she would contact me a week or 2 before and make a date to treat me to a beer.
As you can tell, I’m frustrated Corey. How should I be handling things? Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.I’d say, spend more time with this other chick who’s cool, while you continue to look for somebody who really knocks your socks off. You don’t have a space for somebody awesome to come into your life, because of these two women you’re involved with. If I were you, I’d be dating and looking to get better and improve your skills, so when a unicorn comes along who’s really awesome, then you’ll know. Right now, you’ve got these two chicks that are kind of place holders.)
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When we don’t value ourselves and don’t feel like we are good enough, we will often tolerate abusive people who jerk us around or who take advantage of our kindness. The reality is the world is full of toxic people who are terrible dating prospects that will drive you crazy if you keep them in your life, hoping things will get better. Continuing to date people who are difficult, who don’t communicate well or who create unnecessary drama is often the result of a limiting belief you hold about yourself. Normal, healthy people will treat you right and appreciate you, without trying to change you. People who are nuts will make you miserable, jerk you around and go out of their way to convince you that it’s all your fault. You can’t make good wine from bad grapes. Good friends, clients, acquaintances and lovers are rare and worth the wait. In order to have great, high quality relationships with high quality people who treat you right, you must be willing to delete those who do not. No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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