What you should do if you are seeing inconsistent romantic interest from women you are dating which is leaving you confused on where you stand.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a twenty-five year old guy who is reading my book for the second time after a good friend recommended it to him. About two months ago, he ran into and started dating and hooking up with a girl he knew from grade school. After communicating over social media for a few days, he asked her out on a date.
On the date she told him she thought he was not interested and that he only wanted friendship, because he was inconsistent and not looking for her everyday like other guys were who had romantic interest. He started reaching out more, and they have been dating and hooking up for a few weeks now, but he is unsure if he is contacting her too much and wants her attraction to grow and not wane. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Guys that are new to my work, they read the book a couple of times, they meet a girl, they start hooking up, things progress like this, and they’re like, “Hey, I don’t need to read this thing 10-15 times.” And then they completely neglect all of the relationship stuff that’s in the back of the book.
Then several months down the road, because they didn’t learn the fundamentals, is when things go sideways and some of them obviously end up booking phone sessions because they’re in a panic, because they didn’t follow instructions properly. So my goal with this particular email, I want to help this guy tweak his game, but it’s important to point out where guys typically go wrong with this, because she’s communicating and noticing that he’s not making the same kind of effort or responding in the same way that the other guys are.
But obviously, it’s having a positive effect on how she feels about him, which is the most important thing, because if she feels something for him, she’s going to feel more attraction. And when you’re dating, that’s what you want. You want the woman to become more attracted to you than any of the other potential guys that are trying to get her attention. And therefore, as time goes by, you want her to give you all of her attention and interest and only focus on you and blow all the other guys off.
So it’s a process, but you’ve got to be consistent in how you show up. And this guy, he doesn’t really know what he’s doing. He’s gotten enough from the videos and the one time that he’s been through the book that he’s getting the good results, but obviously, he’s not in a place of confidence. He doesn’t feel certain of himself. And that’s where I want guys to be.
I want guys to be certain, comfortable to feel peace in their bodies, so they can focus on their mission and purpose in life and then just respond when they have these interactions — when women they’re dating reach out to them — so the attraction grows, and eventually she asks you to be the boyfriend, eventually be the husband, that kind of thing, if that’s what you’re looking for. So it’s a really good email to kind of see the transition from pickup and early stage dating, and then obviously ultimately after that, when you actually get into a relationship and being able to maintain it.
Like you’ve probably heard me say many times in the past, if you go back 60, 70 years ago and look at the older movies, women are always trying to get the guy’s attention. The guys are always purpose and mission focused. They’re trying to achieve something in life. They’re trying to make their dreams a reality. And in a lot of instances, what you kind of notice is they’re really not interested in settling down, and dating, and babies, and the white picket fence and all of that.
But obviously, these women are attractive and they’re determined. They’ve decided what guy they want, because they picked the guy that they want, and they go out of their way to get the guy’s attention. And obviously, over the course of the movie, he kind of slowly relents. And then by the end of the movie, they live happily ever after.
This was a good, healthy archetype of natural, masculine and feminine energy interacting in the way that was common knowledge in our society. But obviously, since then, with the unbalanced feminist movement, the pendulum has kind of swung the other way to where it’s just kind of like a man-hating movement.
And then you look at normal television programs that we have today or movies, the man is always the bumbling idiot that needs the woman to bring order to the chaos of his life, and she basically acts like the stoic mommy to him and she solves everything. And when you behave this way in real life, women are totally repulsed by this behavior and constantly stick you and friendzone.
So just when you look at what you’ve seen in the media in Hollywood over the last 60, 70, 80 years, I mean, it’s just completely flipped the the roles. Women are taught to act like men, men are taught to act like women, and universally they’re getting repulsed by each other. That’s obviously not a good thing. So with that said, “How To Be A 3% Man” will help you balance that out, so you get that natural sexual polarity where women play their role and they’re comfortable in it, it feels natural to them, it comes natural to them.
And it’s the same thing with men. It becomes natural to be this way. Because when you feel peace in your life, when you feel peace in your body, you feel peace in your relationship, you feel peace in your home, you feel content. And you when you feel content, you actually feel more masculine energy, and you feel more ambition, you feel more drive. You have more of a desire to do things and accomplish things, because you’ve got so many great things going on in the home front or in your your personal life.
So the goal was to find the sweet spot here where you can feel comfortable and sure of yourself, and then the relationship part of your life, or your personal life, or your dating life becomes something that’s a complement to it and not something that’s constantly giving you stress, freaking you out and worrying you.
When you’re worried all the time and you’re in a fearful state, your decisions are not going to be very good, and they’re not going to be very efficient. They’re actually going to bring more chaos into your life. And so, if you’re in a place of fear, you’ll end up bringing even more fear into your personal life, and that will spill over into your professional life and then start having a negative effect on your career or your business, which is obviously not a good thing for a man to be experiencing.
You want the personal aspect of your life to be something that adds value to your life, that makes things easier in life, makes it easier to go for the things you want, and not something that creates so much worry and so much stress in your life that you can’t even function. Because when it comes to flying a plane, it becomes like a flat spin that you just can’t get out of.
Hey there Coach,
I first want to thank you for sharing your work, for calling it the way it is, and for playing the role you have in our growth. A good friend recommended 3% Man to me this past summer, and I’m now starting to go through it for my second time.
Obviously, he’s talking about my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man”. You can read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter. If you haven’t read it yet, don’t be one of those guys that’s thinking you’re just going to watch these videos and cherry pick.
The idea is, the book gives you the baseline fundamentals, and these videos are meant to help you fine tune your experience based on real world situations. This is a guy that right now, this particular email literally came in this morning as I was looking through all the different emails, and it just jumped out at me. I thought this was the perfect email to go over.
I’m 25 years old, just started a big boy job, and just moved into my new apartment. About 2 months ago, I ran into a girl I went to grade school with while I was out for a drink. She followed me on Instagram and eventually messaged me.
I would have personally gotten the number, but maybe you weren’t that into her. But it shows really high interest on her part that she followed you on Instagram and sent you a direct message. This is a woman who is making it easy because she has high romantic interest.
She’s acting just like women are supposed to act. She likes the guy. She picks the guy. She’s going, “Hey, hey, I like you. Hey, pay attention to me.” That’s typically what they do. But as a man, you’re supposed to know what to do after that point, after they get you your attention.
We started to communicate via social media and text. I followed what I had learned in 3% Man: letting her wonder about me, not communicating with her too much via the phone, and keeping conversation funny/lighthearted.
So far, so good, because at the end of the day, if you have lots of choices and lots of options, you’re a busy guy, she’s not the only woman trying to get your attention, especially if you have a big social media presence. You’re always going to have people that are trying to get your attention.
So you have to be selective. Not everybody makes the cut. That’s the harsh reality. You want the best for yourself, and the same thing with him. If he has lots of other choices and lots of options, he wants to make sure he ends up with a girl that really makes it easy and really makes him feel wanted and desired, which obviously, at least at this point, she’s doing.
During our second hang-out, she mentioned she was unaware of my interest in her and thought we were hanging out as friends.
I don’t know if he means he went out with her on a date and this was a second date, or if the second hangout is the only time he’s seen her since they met. And obviously, when they ran into each other in the bar, that was the first hangout.
So, they’re texting. I mean, think about it. If she’s a pretty girl… I mean, the reality is, when you’re in your early 20s, especially like when you graduate high school, and you go off to college, that is like the only time in your life where you’re going to be surrounded by that many beautiful, single and available women. And from that perspective, she’s probably got lots of dudes giving her attention, which obviously she does, because she, in a roundabout way brings it up in a little bit.
But you could see how well being this way, it’s like she’s got 10 other dudes calling her, texting her all the time, telling her how much they like her, because that’s what you see in all the movies and the TV programs. “Hey, you’ve got to let the girl know you how much you like her right away, how much you really super duper like her, and she’ll like you back.” It doesn’t work that way in the real world. All of these guys are trying to get her attention and validation, instead of being focused on their mission and purpose, because they’ve been brainwashed by the media in Hollywood pushing this dysfunctional, messed up way of human interactions.
So if other women or other dudes are trying to get her attention and you’re not, you’re taking time to reply, you’re busy sometimes. She texts you at night, seven or eight o’clock at night, and you’re either out with your friends or maybe you’re on another date. Maybe you’re hanging out, maybe doing something with your family. But the point being is, a man who’s busy and has an active social life is not going to be available 24/7 to chit chat.
If you’re in a big corporate meeting in the middle of the day in you’re your big boy job, and a girl that you’re talking to texts you, you’re not going to step out of the meeting and go, “Oh, this girl that I went out with over the weekend is texting me, so let me just respond to her real quick.” That’s not going to go over real well with the people that you work for.
So it’s like, if you’re busy, you’ll get to her later. And at the end of the day, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. It doesn’t mean they’re being purposely devious. It just means that women have to work for these guy’s attention, because they have a lot going on and they’re not the only women trying to get his attention.
A high value man has lots of opportunities and lots of interest. So he has to be selective. That’s what you want to be. You want to present the image that you’re selective, even if you don’t really have a lot going on. You want to act as if, and then fill your life up with activities, and people, and work, and a mission and purpose, so you actually act the way your life becomes.
I cleared this up on the spot and asked why she was unsure about my interest. She said because I was “inconsistent” as in, I wouldn’t look for her every day, I’d take too long to get back to her, and sometimes even leave her on “Read,” (this is true, I did do these things), whereas guys who are interested in her are usually always trying to get her attention and looking for her.
So notice how that works. She’s got all these guys going, “I like you, I like you, I like you,” and yet she’s paying no attention to them, and she’s out on a date with this guy going, “Why aren’t you as interested as these other guys?” Isn’t it funny how that works? Common sense would say, “Oh, he’s not contacting me, he doesn’t care. Screw him.” But it’s all about how she feels.
Fast forward, 2 more hang-outs where I made her dinner at my place, opened some wine, and later had her on her back.
You ‘had her on her back.’ Oh, I wonder what that can mean. Hang out, have fun and hook up. Keep it simple. A man’s job in the courtship, as I discuss in “How To Be A 3% Man,” is just simply to create the next romantic opportunity for a sex to happen.
So, let’s look at this. On the date, she’s like basically saying, “I don’t really think you like me very much.” So in a way, that statement, bringing that up, is she seeking his attention and validation? “Where do I stand with this guy? Does he even like me? All these other guys like me, but why doesn’t this guy like me?”
She’s more interested in finding out. Even though the way she brings it up is kind of like she’s bothered by it, but she’s bothered by it in a good way. She’s seeking his attention and validation, because she wants to get him all to herself and assimilate him like the Borg, “Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.“
The next weekend I took her out again, came back to my place, wined, and although it felt like sex wasn’t going to happen, it did.
How is James Bond always acting? How is Daniel Craig’s character always acting, James Bond, when a woman says, “No way, you’re not getting into my pants”? He just smiles. It’s going to happen later on the evening. It’s inevitable. I hear that all the time. And of course, what happens? She ends up on her back.
That’s why it’s important to follow the process that’s in “How To Be A 3% Man.” The process. Because guys that don’t know any better go back to their house and they don’t think sex is going to happen, and it doesn’t because they don’t understand the process. The process is laid out in detail in the book.
Ever since she called me out on my “inconsistent” pattern, I’ve talked to her more and given her more of me to make my interest known.
Just don’t overdo it. No more than 20 to 30 percent. Because the idea is, think about it from this perspective. “I don’t know if he likes me. Do you like me?” “Of course, babe. You’re the only one for me.” “Oh, he’s so sweet. He’s the best.” That’s basically how it goes.
He let her wonder. It’s like, you’re not so much doing it on purpose, you’re just busy handling things. And then she kind of feels like you’re not paying attention to her or you don’t care. You’re like, “Babe, of course I care.” And then you make time for her. In other words, does he care about me? And you’re like, yes. And you sweep off her feet and you romance her. Of course. It’s just the process.
It’s like the salsa dance, the ebb and flow, up and down. “Does he like me? Oh, he loves me. Do I like him? I don’t know. Where did he go? Honey? Oh, he loves me, he cares about me. Oh, he’s back.” That’s just the back and forth. Just the way it is, like Mother Nature.
I get rain all fucking weekend, and it was supposed to rain until Wednesday or Tuesday of this week. And then today I get up, there’s supposed to be rain, and like I said, ninety percent chance of rain when I went to bed, and now it’s like completely clear all days. It’s just the weather. That’s just Mother Nature. Don’t get upset or riled. Just follow the process, follow the process in “How To Be A 3% Man,” and then it’ll all make sense. It’s all an art.
It sounds like I bent for her or let her steer me out of my center, but after I gave her some more of me, sex happened on back-to-back weekends, so to me it sounds like I did something right… don’t you think?
Well the point being is that you took corrective action. In other words, you did everything right, because then she was unsure of where she stood with you and asked you about it, and you’re like, “Of course.” And you swept her up, and you were romanced her, and she’s like, “He does care about me. He’s so wonderful. He’s so different. He’s so unlike all the other guys. There’s just something about you I can’t quite put my finger on.” You’ll hear that if you’re not already hearing it already.
So that’s the point. It doesn’t mean you’re supposed to be a cold fish, it’s like you’re just going slightly slower than she is, to the point where she gets impatient and frustrated and tries to get your attention. Now, when a guy does that, when he gets frustrated and upset because he’s not getting enough of the woman’s attention, he’s pouting like a girl. And it’s extremely unattractive. It’s not masculine.
And so when women are unsure of where they stand with you, they seek to get your attention and validation, and then you give it to them, because you’re just going a little bit slower than they are. And for almost 100 percent of the guys that come to my work and are watching these videos, they’re always doing too much. They’re moving too fast.
And if they slow it down and they get into the zone where this guy is kind of floating a little bit now, it just seems easy and effortless. But you don’t want to overdo it. You don’t want to get into a fearful state and think, “Oh, I better pursue her, because then she’s going to think I don’t like her,” and then you start blowing up her phone. And then what happens is, the roles reverse. It goes from you only doing 20 to 30 percent of the calling, texting and pursuing to you doing like 70 to 80 percent of the calling, texting and pursuing.
When that happens, it’s 100 percent guaranteed that you’re going to get to a point where she’s like, “I’m confused. I’m not sure where I’m able to be. There’s no chemistry, there’s no spark. Something’s missing. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something’s missing.” It’s because they haven’t had time to be alone and engage with their emotions. They’re too certain of where they stand, and you’re acting too feminine.
And that’s why this ratio — that the guy should never do more than 20 to 30 percent of the calling, texting and pursuing — that is the sweet spot. It is what it is. The numbers are what they are. If you don’t believe me, go ahead and over-pursue this girl, and then she’ll start treating you just like all these other guys that she’s blowing off. What you’re doing is working.
I want to keep raising her attraction for me, want her to want me more, and want her to want me all to herself one day.
What’s the formula? Hang out, have fun and hook up — The three H’s, that’s it. It doesn’t say anything about a relationship on there. It doesn’t say anything about a commitment. It doesn’t say anything about lovey-dovey. Hang out, have fun and hook up. That’s the romance formula, that’s it. Women want romance. They want to be in a love story.
I’m not sure how often I should keep communicating with her.
All right, you fucking schmuck. See this? Read this book 10 to 15 times. That’s why it says read it 10 to 15 times, because you’re asking me a basic question that’s in the book, and you obviously don’t know it because you haven’t been through it, and you’re trying to cherry pick. Don’t cherry pick. It will burn you. I’ve got tons and tons of emails and video newsletters I’ve done over the years of guys who didn’t listen, and they went into panic mode, and they were in a great situation like you are right now, and they screwed it up months down the road.
We text or snapchat pretty much every day or 6 days a week, give or take.
Again, make sure she’s reaching out first 20 to 30 percent of the time. When I say reaching out first, that means all conversation threads are closed. That means maybe you’ve got plans made for the weekend. She’s not waiting for a response from you, and you’re not waiting for a response from her. It’s just out of the blue surprising messages. That’s what you’re looking for. That’s who initiates contact first. As long as she’s doing 70 to 80 percent of it, you’re in the safe zone.
The last thing I want to do is have her become bored of me, not wonder about me anymore, or just have her attraction level decrease. At the same time, I stepped up communication with her, and it seems to have worked well these past couple weekends as you can see.
Again, look at the ratio. You’ve got to look at her actions, because it’s going to wane. You might spend a couple of weeks together and you’re reaching out more, and then all of a sudden, it just kind of seems like she’s kind of bored and not as interested. And you might have to back off. Like I said, it usually happens really suddenly. You go from 20 to 30 percent of the pursuing, and then within a week or two, you’re doing 60 to 70 percent of it, because the first couple of days you’re doing that over pursuing, you’re going “Oh no, it’s fine. Oh, maybe she’s just busy.” It’s like no, her interest dropped.
Just like Mother Nature. It was supposed to be a crappy day to day, and it’s gorgeous out. I can’t wait. I’m going to finish this video, I’m going to go out and I’m going to enjoy myself, maybe go down to the beach. See what’s going on down at the beach, and have a good time. But you just never know. That’s the way Mother Nature is. Women are unpredictable.
So like I said, just be prepared. If you pursue more, you spend a lot of time together, you’re going to notice at some point it’s going to seem like she kind of gets a little bored and is not as into you. The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. That’s why you want to match in her behavior.
If she backs off, you’re going to back off. If she pursues a little more and reaches out more, you’re going to get together more, because she’s making it easy to get together. If she starts backing off, you back off. That means you’ll get together less, but over the course of the next week or two, it’ll help correct things. And she’ll feel when she moves away from you that you move away from her, and she’ll want to pull you back.
Guys, make the mistake when they get in that situation where the woman backs away, then they start pursuing more to make up for that, and they never go back to the way it was. And then what happens is, it completely flips, and within a matter of weeks, they’re doing one hundred percent of the calling, texting, and pursuing, and then the woman’s making no effort. And on top of that, she’s not making it easy to get together in person to hang out, have fun and hook up.
Our town is gonna see another shut down soon, and I also don’t want to fall into a routine where it looks like I just have her over for sex. I want her to fall for me.
Well, don’t be doing the same date, it says, “have fun.” Having fun, if you’re having fun at your house, it’s great. But yeah, you don’t want to do the same date every weekend, because then it looks like you’re just inviting her over for a booty call. Go to dinner, go have some fun. Go play some pool, go to an arcade, go ride some go karts. Go have a picnic by the lake somewhere, go to the beach, do something fun.
It doesn’t have to be expensive, but at the end of the evening, the hook up part, obviously you’re going to be doing that at the house. So have a date, and then and remember the logistics of sex. You want to make sure that the dessert is at the end of the evening. That’s why the hookup part is last. It’s the end of the evening that’s the hookup part. That’s the fun, and the bonding, and you guys are all over each other.
And again, because you’re going a little slower than she is, by the time you finally get back to your house, she’s ready to tear your clothes off, because she’s been tired of waiting for it. And that’s that’s what you want. That makes it really super easy.
Thanks Coach, I’m looking forward to your take!
Overall, you’re doing great so far, but like I said, these questions you’re asking me like, “Oh, what do I do?” Twenty to thirty percent, no more. You shouldn’t be pursuing more. But like I said, you’ve got to be prepared for her to back off, because that’s where most guys get really squirrelly. As things go great for several weeks and the woman backs off, and the guy is thinking, “We’ve been dating for two months. We’ve been dating for three months. We’ve been dating for four weeks,” whatever happens to be. “And now she seems to have gone cold. I’ve got to do something.” The illusion of action.
And then they try to force things. They call too much, they text too much, they pursue too much. And then they don’t stop. They don’t back off. So matching and mirroring is really helpful to keep that ratio. And just don’t freak out. Say you spend a whole weekend together, and then the next week you just get together once. And then you don’t hear from her for a day or two. You can’t let that shit freak you out. You’ve just got to understand, it’s the ebb and flow. It’s just like Mother Nature. She’s all over you.
Just like this week, it was raining all weekend, and it was supposed to rain today, it was supposed to rain tomorrow. I wake up today, and it’s gorgeous out. There’s no sign of rain in the weather forecast. That’s just like women. That’s the way they are. I didn’t make them that way. I’m just here to help you understand what they do, why they do it.
So also, you can get my second book, “Mastering Yourself” for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com when you subscribe to the email newsletter. This is all about purpose, mission, self-reliance. Obviously I do get into politics.
If you tend to be more lefty, communist, socialist leaning, there will probably be some things in there that really piss you off. I definitely know there’ll be some things in here about stuff that’s been in the news over the last several years that you’ll be shocked, because what you were told didn’t really happen that way.
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to guys whose romantic interest they are unsure of. Despite what some women might say or believe, they feel stronger romantic interest in and emotion towards guys whose attention, interest and validation they have to earn. When it comes to dating and attraction, less really is more. Scarcity creates value. It’s always best if men pursue women no more than 20-30% of the time. Why? Women are natural nurturers and are much more empathetic and in touch with their emotions than men are. A masculine man who is purpose and mission driven in life will be busy and focused but will make time for the right woman who catches his attention. Women are relationship focused, and men are mission and adventure focused.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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