What it means when a woman intentionally withholds intimacy, affection and romance.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers who are having similar problems with their now ex-girlfriends who withhold intimacy, affection and romance. The first email viewer said his ex-girlfriend of six years is a feminazi, SJW type of woman he is finally free of.
The second email is from a guy who got dumped by his now ex of nine years, but he wants her back. She is controlling and passive aggressive and purposefully holds back and tries to control him. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
What’s interesting is all human beings, we all behave and act in ways that are consistent with how we view ourselves to be. And so, for people that don’t perceive themselves as having much value, they’ll date, they’ll get into relationships, and they’ll stay in relationships with people that make them feel like what they believe about themselves. So, if they don’t think very highly of themselves, they’ll get into a relationship with somebody that withholds intimacy like you’re going to see here.
Some women tend to be controlling and difficult, but because the guys don’t have a high perception in themselves, they put up with these things because they think they can’t do any better than that. It’s kind of like being trapped. And so, the important thing to understand is that who you’re going to spend your time with, their ability to work things out and talk things out is going to make 95% of the difference in how easy and effortless your relationship is, or just difficult and full of drama and unpleasant.
Because when you come home after a long day, you’re hoping that your woman strolls back into your life in the evening and she brings joy into it, versus a woman who’s just waiting until you get home so she can unload on you, and belittle you, and make you feel bad. You want the people that are in your life, that are in your inner circle, to add value to your life, to be a complement to your already great life, not somebody that’s trying to drag you down and make you feel bad. You’ve got to choose very carefully who you’re going to spend your life with, because 95% of your happiness or your misery is going to come from that one decision.
It’s not your job to fix or save somebody. You can gently lead. You can try to encourage them to communicate in an open, honest and loving way without holding back. But a lot of people just simply aren’t going to be able to do that, because that’s how they were raised. And so, when you have a simple difference of opinion and you’re trying to resolve it and they’re being passive aggressive with you and being difficult on purpose just to punish you and make things difficult, so you feel some of the pain that they’re feeling, that gets old really fast. And then, you’ll be heading for the exits.
And justifiably so, because, again, you want a woman to be a complement to your life. Your friends, you want to be a complement to your life. And we all have family members that are toxic and difficult, and we want to manage the distance with those people. Because whatever you allow into your life or whatever you put up with or you tolerate, you’re going to invite more of.
First Viewer’s Email:
Hi Coach Corey,
I found your work right before the pandemic hit and have been listening to your newsletters every day at work this whole time and am almost out of newsletters.
Well, there’s thousands of them. That’s a lot of newsletters that you’ve been through.
This new knowledge has helped me in so many ways, and I feel like I finally understand attraction and have been unplugged from the matrix. I always felt like something was missing from all the interactions I had with women in the past. I would always be more into them than they were into me and would eventually chase them from my life, and I thought I was just too awkward to be in a relationship with anyone.
If you’re chasing women out of your life, it’s because deep down, you don’t believe that any of them would actually want to stay. And therefore, you try to force things and you never really give them the space and the time to choose to want to stay with you, because you’re constantly communicating that you’re not worthy. And eventually, you run them off, and they agree with you.
It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s all how you perceive yourself. And if you have a low perception of yourself, you’ll tend to behave this way. You’ll tend to chase people that don’t care about you and think it’s normal and okay, because it feels normal and okay, but it’s not.
Once I started listening, things immediately started clicking in my brain. I remember certain situations in my past where I accidentally acted very bold and masculine and a girl literally threw herself into my arms.
When a man is in his masculine, it makes the feminine feel safe and comfortable to really prosper, to really let her hair down, so to speak, and be who she really is. It’s a man’s job to create the environment where all women feel safe and comfortable in his presence, not just his intimate relationships, but his mother, his sisters, the women he works with, female customers. If you can be easygoing, easy to get along with, humorous, unattached, don’t take yourself too seriously, it creates the conditions where women feel safe and they trust you to really open up and be who they are.
Your work helped me understand these interactions and why sometimes the girl would stick to me like glue initially, and why after I started to get attached, she sprinted.
Yeah, she no longer felt safe.
Recently, I ended my 6-year long relationship with my ex feminazi SJW [social justice warrior] girlfriend. She believed that relationships did not have a masculine and a feminine presence and that both people should be half masculine and half feminine.
Yeah, that’s a lot of that commie leftist garbage that everything’s supposed to be 50/50 and equal. And the reality is, men and women are totally different. They bring different energies. It’s the opposites of the energies, the extremes of the energy, the extreme feminine and the extreme masculine, that creates a sexual polarity.
And this applies in gay relationships, and it also applies in lesbian relationships. Because I have a lot of gay and lesbian clients that I coach, and when I coach them, one of the first questions I always ask is, “What essence do you feel more naturally, more masculine or more feminine?” And based upon what they tell me, I teach them to act more in line with that essence. And then their relationships go from loveless and sexless and from being like roommates to passionately tearing each other’s clothes off.
So, this guy’s ex-girlfriend obviously became demoralized by the commie ideology, and she believes it wholeheartedly. And when somebody’s been demoralized, if you have you ever seen the Yuri Bezmenov video — we included excerpts of it in the “Socialism & Capitalism?” documentary, you should definitely Google it — G. Edward Griffin did a full interview with Yuri Bezmenov. He was a KGB defector that ran the active measures or the ideological subversion program for the USSR, the Soviet Union, back in the 1970s before he defected to the United States.
And so, it’s really interesting how he talks about how once somebody has been demoralized — in other words, once they’ve given up on themselves and then they start looking outside themselves, typically towards government or government entities or a form of government — he says evidence, facts, it doesn’t matter.
At the time, he said you could take them to the gulags in the Soviet Union and they would refuse to believe what they see. Because of the ideology that they’ve adopted, they’ve been totally demoralized. When somebody gives up on themselves, it’s like, there’s no coming back, and evidence and facts and figures, it’s useless. It falls on deaf ears.
And so, this guy’s girlfriend that’s adopted all this crap, people don’t change their belief system until it’s proven invalid. And the reality is, this day and age in our society, there’s a lot of validation of her way of thinking and being. There’s lots of people that think like her, and so she’s going to have a rough go of it in the future.
She also believed a lot of other leftist crap. I showed her the Corey Wayne material and she really did not like that, ha-ha. That was the beginning of the end. She started intentionally withholding intimacy and holding back when we were together.
You can’t work with that man. You want somebody who’s easygoing, easy to get along with. If there’s something bothering her and upsetting her, she’s unwilling to talk about it, and on top of that, she’s angry and believes in her ideology, you’re not going to be able to give it her. It’s like trying to convince the Taliban to give up the radical version of Islam. It’s not going to happen.
I knew this was a chance to break free from a long relationship that I knew was just not the ideal relationship I always wanted.
Yeah, because in his mind, he convinced himself that he didn’t deserve better. And the berating that he got from his girlfriend justified staying in, because if he didn’t think very highly of himself and she always made him feel like crap, he’s like, “Well, this is normal. Of course this is this way.” So, you can see, guys become trapped in these kinds of relationships and they just give up.
They don’t believe they can do any better. And then obviously somebody comes along and hands them “How To Be A 3% Man,” and they go, “Ahh,” and then the light bulbs go off. Just like you said, he thought about other women that he was with and he exhibited those behaviors that are in the book, and he’s like, “Yes, she reacted exactly like Corey said.” And that helps him kind of see their way out of the matrix, so to speak.
I started working more on myself and actually put some real effort into my Tinder account, and within a week I was talking to multiple women and hooked up with a girl that I now have as a fwb. For me, this was a huge confidence boost, and I feel like I am worthy of what I want out of life.
That’s why it’s so important to read my book 10 to 15 times and apply it, because these kinds of new experiences outside of the old toxic relationship undo the programming. You see, “Wow, this stuff works,” and so you literally behave in ways that are different from the ways that you used to behave and are aligned with your natural masculine essence, and it’s a lot easier.
It takes effort to be with the feminazi social justice warrior. But being with somebody when you’re in your masculine, it tends to be easy and effortless and it feels natural. It’s the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way the Creator intended men and women to interact with one another, or masculine and feminine essence to interact with one another. It’s what creates the sexual polarity and the strong desire between both people.
In a week, I will be traveling the Southern United States and starting fresh. Don’t know anyone there but I am confident that I will make friends easily. I want to employ your method of going to a mall in each city and talking to 25 women per week and getting dates. I still find it hard to do cold approaches, but I will improve!
Repetition is the mother of skill. The more you do something, the better you get at it.
Thank you so much for opening my eyes and helping me on this journey to become the best person I know I can become.
Congratulations for getting out of that toxic situation, because your life should be a drama free zone. And if you have a feminazi social justice warrior who has been demoralized by commie propaganda, you can’t reach her. It’s not your problem, not your fault. Enough guys leave her, and eventually, hopefully she recognizes that’s just a toxic way to show up. But she might not. It’s not your problem. She chose it, she made the choices. She made her bed, now she gets to live in it.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I will admit, I have read the book a few times but not as many as I should, but I am still reading it.
My ex and I broke up about 3 weeks ago. We have been together 9 years. We broke up predominantly of me being week, needy, etc. I told her that I am only interested in a romantic relationship and will settle for nothing less and to contact me if she changes her mind. I’ll be honest, per advice from my cousin, I reached out a week later and she agreed to have dinner, but she seemed distant and we didn’t perform the indoor Olympics.
Well, because you did the opposite of what I teach. You did the opposite of what I teach in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” And on top of that, you are not congruent with your words. Being concurrent with your words is masculine. Saying one thing and doing another is the opposite of being masculine. It’s being weak, pathetic and disgusting, and it’s unattractive.
And your cousin should be reading my book instead of giving you advice, because he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about, that’s just a fact. Because you said “Reach out to me if you change your mind.” So you, in essence, walked away from the negotiating table. And then, you didn’t hear from her for a week or whatever, and you got scared. You listened to your cousin, who doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing, and then you went back and you tried to set a date.
So, she’s not going to trust your masculine core, because you said one thing and you did another. She knew you weren’t serious. She knows she has you wrapped around her little finger. And like a good little boy, you come back looking for mommy. Women don’t want to teach you how to be a man. They want you to be man enough to be congruent with your words. And you weren’t. You were the opposite of it, so that’s why you got no indoor Olympics.
However, she reached out a few days later and invited me over. I tried to fondle her, and she smiled and told me to stop, so I waited and went back in, and she stopped me again and said, “It’s not like that.”
Well, another reason why you should read the book 10 to 15 times, because that just sounds weird and awkward. It sounds like you’re hanging out together and you’re grabbing her between the legs or you’re grabbing her boobs. There’s a process to that. There’s a process to the seduction process.
When a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open. And if you just go and start grabbing her like a horny virgin teenager who is trying to lose his virginity and has no clue what he’s doing, you’re going to turn off any woman. You’re going to come off like an amateur and like you don’t know what you’re doing. You have to look for the signs to be there, and you do that by opening her up and getting her to talk.
So, I told her I wasn’t interested in just being friends and to call me if she changes her mind, and she called me and asked me to come back. (Ha-ha, the power of walking away.)
It works, but you have to be congruent with it. Initially, you weren’t congruent because your cousin said, “Oh, yeah, call her. Tell her how much you really, really super duper like her.” And what happened? He had nothing except blue balls.
So, the last time she reached out, I tried to set a date and she said she was not free because the only time I ask to see her is when she reaches out to me, and that she would probably go out with me if I reached out to her.
So, she’s trying to control you. See, this is what’s clever about women. When they sense weakness, they’re going to come at you a hundred different ways and try to get you to cave. Because you said, “Only get in touch if you’re interested in romance.” And so, she’s basically saying, “Well, you need to contact me and then I’ll be interested in romance.” Do you see what she’s doing? Most guys don’t see it.
Obviously, he probably didn’t notice it. But she’s doing that on purpose to get you to go back on your word. She’s testing to see if you’re man enough and congruent enough with what you said, which was, “Hey, get in touch.” If she says, “Well, I’ll only go out with you if you reach out to me first,” you’ll be like, “Well, I want to see you making an effort, because you’ve been difficult, and I want easygoing, easy to along with.”
“I’m really happy to hear from you, and I want to see you. And so, you call me and I try to get together with you and you say, ‘Well, I’m going to purposely withhold intimacy. I’m going to purposely not agree to set a date, because I had to call you. And so, therefore, you’ve got to call me and then maybe I’ll go out on a date with you.'”
As a man who sees himself as the prize, he’s going to be like, “No.” You say, “Get in touch with me,” because she ended the relationship. Therefore, she’s got to fix it. She has to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. And so, you’re vacillating back and forth between being masculine and being feminine and unsure of yourself and acting like an insecure girl, instead of a man.
She insists that all relationships start and re-start as friends.
That is some bullshit. Drama free zone, bro. That’s right out of the book. When a woman says, friends, only friends first, again, she’s trying another angle to get you to agree to something platonic. This is how women confuse guys that have no idea and they don’t realize it, but they’re flailing and failing tests of their strength.
She’s trying to see if you’re congruent, if you really mean what you say — meaning you’re going to walk away and never look back unless she’s interested in romance. Again, she ended it, therefore, she’s got to chase you. Therefore, she does 100% of the calling, texting, pursuing, trying to get you back. She called, you invite her over for romance. She gives you grief, saying, “Hey, you only ask me out when I call you, therefore, I’m not going to go out with you unless you call me first.” Tricky, tricky.
I disagreed and stood firm on my stance of “Call or text me ONLY if it’s on romantic terms.”
Good job, dude. That’s what you want to do. But you have to be congruent with it. If you haven’t heard from her in a couple of weeks and your cousin’s going, “Oh, call her. Tell her how much you really like her,” then you cave, because then you just completely set yourself back.
The idea is she changed the terms of the relationship unilaterally, you didn’t agree to it, and you’re gone — right out of the book. Women must know that if they push you too far, you’ll walk and never look back. Never means never. Not a week or two and you get your cousin that doesn’t know anything about women to give you women advice, and then you cave.
It doesn’t work that way. That’s how they know your strength. They know that, “Oh, I really screwed up. I better be nice and sweet to him.” That’s what you want. You want sweet and submissive. Not difficult, not controlling, not a feminazi, not a pain in the ass. Women who are nice and kind to you, easygoing, easy to get along with.
Now I know for a fact that nothing romantic will ever come out of our relationship again if I agree with friendship, but how do I respond to her saying she feels like I only want to see her when she reaches out, and that I should reach out if I want to see her and spend time with her?
Thanks in advance,
Just say “No.” It’s like, “You ended the relationship. The way I look at it, if you want another chance with me, if you want to fix this, you’ll make the effort. You got in touch, I heard from you, I wanted to see you, and you say, ‘No, I’m not going to see you on purpose because you didn’t call me.’ That’s passive aggressive. It’s immature. It’s rude. I don’t appreciate it. I’m not interested in that.”
“If you want to see me, you want to come over, I’d love to see you. It would be wonderful. But if you’re just going to be difficult for the sake of being difficult, I’m not interested in that. My life’s a drama free zone.” No drama allowed, drama free zone, just like the mug says. Maybe you should get one of these mugs from Teespring.com in the Coach Corey Wayne store to remind yourself.
You should be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” You’re not going to call or text her again for any reason, even if she says, “Well, I’m never calling you.” It’s like, “Okay. Well, that tells me everything I need to know, because you obviously don’t want to work it out. You don’t want to be nice and kind and sweet to me and easygoing and easy to get along with. I’d rather just meet somebody else that is going to treat me the way I want to be treated.”
“You’re being difficult, you’re being a pain in the ass, and it’s completely unnecessary. My life’s a drama free zone, and I don’t want to put up with it anymore. So, I’d love to see you, but if that’s the way you want to be, hey, it’s been great. I wish you all the best. It was a great nine years. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.” Just kidding. But you have to be congruent.
And like I said, I pointed it out, she’s trying to get you to go back on your word. Because if she knows you’re serious, and you mean it and you’re congruent, that you literally will walk away and never look back, that’s typically what it takes for her to throw in the towel and go, “I’m sorry. You were right. You’re amazing.” She needs to feel your strength, because you have been showing her strength. You’ve been showing her weakness.
But like I said, you could see it from this email, women are very clever and they try a hundred different ways to get you to cave and go back on your word. That’s what this is all about, getting you to go back on your word. And, as a man, you’re like, “No.” And then you’ve got to tell her,”You screwed things up. I wanted to work things out and you you bailed. You bailed on us, so you fucked it up.”
“I’ll give you the opportunity to fix it, but it’s going to be on my terms, and you’re going to have to be nice, and kind, and sweet, and communicative. This passive aggressive stuff doesn’t work for me. I don’t want to deal with it anymore. And if you don’t want to be nice to me, then I’ll find somebody who is.” You might have to be harsh like that, but you’re not going to go back on your word.
So, if you’ve got a question or challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The best women to date and have relationships with tend to be easygoing, easy to get along with and communicate openly and honestly without holding back or sugar-coating things. You can’t solve problems unless you can communicate openly and honestly about them. Women who are passive aggressive, difficult and argumentative on purpose, in order to punish those who they perceive as having wronged them, create unnecessary drama which makes conflict resolution extremely difficult, painful or even impossible. These types of women are energy vampires and should be avoided at all costs.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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