How to know if going no contact is the right way to go in your romantic situation.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who was seeing a girl for about two months who he has known for about a year now. They moved really fast and started saying “I love you” after a matter of weeks. Then she got a new job and was really busy with school and other activities, but then she backed off telling him that he was her number one guy she could see herself being with forever, but she needed to focus on herself right now.
She wants to be friends only but doesn’t want to lose him. He asks if no contact is the right approach. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
It’s important to understand about what no contact actually is. You’ve got to think of it like you’re at a negotiating table. You have terms, you have things you want from her, and she’s got things she wants or doesn’t want from you. And if the terms she’s offering you are not to your liking, like in this particular case, she’s offering friendship and saying the reason that she’s offering friendship and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with him is because she’s busy with school and her new job. But the reality is that he turned her off.
Women don’t want to hurt your feelings, because they don’t think you can handle it. And quite frankly, most guys can’t handle it. The reason they act this way is because so many guys have come before you and taught them that most guys can’t handle it. Therefore, they tell you something that logically makes sense, but you have to be able to read the signs. You have to be able to read her intent. And if you bottom line her actions, women don’t dump men they’re in love with. They dump guys that turn them off, and that’s where this guy is.
This girl and I have been seeing each other for 2 months, although we’ve known each other for about a year now. It has been really passionate and everything moved quickly, (maybe a bit too quickly – we skipped that phase of slowly falling in love and jumped from “I like you” to “I love you” really quickly).
Well, you can’t skip that phase. Just like the Phil Collins song, “You can’t hurry love. No, you just have to wait. Love don’t come easy.” Something like that.
She does have red flags, (jealousy and strong insecurity about herself), which she wanted to work on for a long time now. Recently, she found out that she got a job in a company, (she would be working 4 hours a day as a student), and she also works at another job 8 hours a day. She plans on working both of those jobs to be financially secure, and she also goes to college.
Well, if she was really in love with you, she’d want you to be going with her as her teammate, to go through the experience together.
This, as you might guess, leaves very little time for us to hang out, since she will be working weekends as well.
Well, as the late, great Doc Love used to say, “Interest level cuts through everything.” And so, if a woman is in love with you, she’ll make time for you. And if she’s not, “Oh, I’m busy with school. I’ve got this, I’ve got that.” You bottom line the actions. It’s all that really matters.
This changed things, and she said this is an incredible opportunity for her. She said that she wants to focus on that for now, and she wants to work on those inner problems that I mentioned.
I’m sure she does, but at the end of the day, if she was in love with you like she said, she would want you there to help her through it.
She also said that I am the number 1 guy that she wants to be with and the person she can see herself being with forever, but she wants to work on the problems with jealousy and insecurity and get her life together with those jobs.
I’m a really secure guy, and she also mentioned that because of me being secure, she feels like she is levels below me and wants to be a quality girl for me, not someone who will be jealous of everything and everyone.
Well, there is no indication in his email that she was ever jealous of him. But for guys that don’t know any better, they go, “Oh, this sounds totally legit. This makes sense. Oh, I’ll just wait for it. I’ll figure it out.”
However, it is still technically a breakup and who knows what might happen in the future, life could just get in the way. But she also said things like, “You’re the guy for me, we have so much chemistry, it was amazing with you, this might reignite in the future,” etc.
So, what she’s saying is “The flame has gone out. I’ve lost attraction for you.” You want to be able to read between the lines. She’s telling you, but using words that most guys don’t really understand. But at least she can feel like she communicated her intent. So, in other words, she’s saying, “I don’t feel a spark.” In other words, “You turned me off. You pursued too much.” I mean, saying, “I love you” right away, no bueno.
But right now, she just wants to focus on her and not think too much about the future and what will happen. She doesn’t want to lose me, and she doesn’t want to have a life without me in it and she suggested that we be friends for NOW…
In other words, “Hey, hopefully you can be my backup plan in case I don’t find somebody who makes my pussy dripping wet.”
…until that chaos around her calms down.
I told her that I respect her decision and I would choose a career and myself in that situation too, but I don’t want her as a friend only and that she can contact me if she wants more than that. She did after a few days of no contact but ignored me when I asked her out. I kept it light and ended the convo quickly, and now she hasn’t contacted me for 2 weeks.
I’m still in no contact and I plan on staying that way. Is she saying the truth, or did she lose attraction and is using that as an excuse?
She lost attraction, and she’s using that as an excuse, because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. But her calling you just to see how you were doing three or four days later, whatever it was, and then you try to ask her out on a date and she wouldn’t make the date, all she’s really doing is kind of stirring the pot and also trying to see if she can get you to agree to be friends and interact with her in a platonic way. Which you must not do, because again, you said, “I’m not interested in being friends, but call me if you change your mind.”
She called a few days later, you tried to set a date, she wouldn’t set a date. So, the next time she reaches out, if she reaches out, you’ll ask one more time to make a date. And if she won’t make the date, then from that point forward, you’re not going to ask her out anymore. And she’ll either stop contacting you, or she’ll bring up getting together.
Is no contact the right way to go?
Absolutely, unless you want blue balls and you want to be stuck in friend zone with this girl forever, then yeah, of course, keep pursuing her. But you should be walking away. You should be congruent with what you told her. You said, “I’m not interested in being friends.” You’ve got to understand that when a woman starts to come back, she’s going to test you to see if you’ll agree to being friends only. And the proper response is to say, “Thanks, but no thanks.”
You should be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” from this point going forward. But if I were you, I would start meeting and dating other women and move on with your life. But again, stick to what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” because right now she’s offering you blue balls and friend zone. And you should be saying, “Thanks, but no thanks.”
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“The no contact rule is not a technique. It is simply the acknowledgment that two people have reached an impasse in their relationship and a win/win deal simply is not possible at the present time but may change in the future. When someone offers you personal or professional terms that are not acceptable to you, then you walk away from the negotiating table because you believe that a bigger better deal is to be found elsewhere. Otherwise, you’d be forced to settle for less than you deserve if you stick around. Walking away is the ultimate statement of one’s own value and self-worth. If they won’t give you what you want, eventually, with enough time, somebody else will.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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