Is She A Classic Avoidant Or Did I Chase Her Away?

How to know if she’s a classic avoidant or if you chased her away.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who had trouble maintaining attraction with a successful woman who owns an architectural firm. He has a small business that’s a year old. She told him they could be friends with benefits until he became more successful like her. She just broke things off and he wonders if she is an avoidant or he turned her off and chased her away.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Is She A Classic Avoidant Or Did I Chase Her Away?”

So this particular email is from a viewer. He had trouble maintaining attraction with a woman who was pretty successful, she owns her own architectural firm, and he has a small business that’s about a year old. And she told him they could be friends with benefits until he became more successful like her. So recently she just broke things off and he’s wondering, is she just an avoidant or did he turn her off and chase her away?

Obviously you guys that have been following me for a while, you know what I’m probably gonna say. Because at the end of the day, if you’re implementing what’s in 3% Man properly, your girl is always going to be chasing you and often complaining you don’t spend enough time with her or you don’t give enough attention to her. She’ll be stuck to you like a sucker fish if you’re doing everything right.

If you’re chasing a woman for attention and validation and she’s kind of running away like you’re going to see in this email, then whether she’s an avoidant or not, it doesn’t really matter because he’s displaying too much unattractive behavior and turning her off. And so a woman who technically is an avoidant is going to feel smothered, and she’s going to stay away longer than a girl who was raised in a healthy, happy household where she really loves her dad.

And it was very stable. So even if she is an avoidant, you’ve got to have self control. You’ve got to let women come to you at their pace, no matter what their attachment styles are, because this is what creates attraction. And if you violate those principles, you’re going to turn her off and chase her away like this guy did. It’s as predictable as the Sun coming up in the East and setting in the West.

And if you’re new and you haven’t read 3% Man, obviously it’s free to read at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just put your first name, your email address, create a password, and it’ll open up right in your web browser. Plus, you can also read Mastering Yourself for free. Plus, my first book of Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations is also in there. So you always get to try before you buy.

So let’s get into guys email and see what is going on here because it is a good email to learn from.

Viewer Email:

Dear Corey Wayne,

I recently found your channel and immediately bought How to Be a 3% Man.

Well, that was a good decision you made.

Reading it, I see exactly where I over-messaged and acted out of scarcity. I want to know if I can regroup, or if she is a classic avoidant incapable of a healthy relationship.

Well, it sure would be nice if you just say, “Well, she’s an avoidant. Never was going to work anyways.” May be true, but at the end of the day, as a man, you have to control the controllables, which are the things that you do, which are your behavior. First and foremost, women like confident guys. Women like guys, because it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. Women like you more if they have to work for you. They like a guy that is a challenge, not a pushover or a simp, or a dude who basically acts like an insecure girl, or he’s always over pursuing or just reaching out, trying to find out where he stands with her.

That’s not what a confident guy does, and an insecure guy is always needs reassurance that she still likes him. In other words, he’s looking for atta boys all the time, which is unattractive. Women like confidence, and if you’re always unsure of yourself, especially like in this case, if you feel insecure because she’s got a successful architecture firm and you got a brand new business, she can give you the logical sounding excuse that, well, “Your business isn’t stable enough.”

At the end of the day, women don’t care what a great entrepreneur you are, successful or not, or working for somebody else. What they care about most is how they feel about you. So you can be an up and coming entrepreneur and have confidence in swagger, that eventually you’re going to do really well. And if you display confidence and you act attractive, you don’t seek her approval like this guy did, she’ll support you. She’ll be your biggest cheerleader and fan. But if you’re doing things to make yourself look unattractive, well, in this case, what happened with this guy, she’ll blame it on the business.

Which sounds logical, but at the end of the day, women who have everything going for them, successful attorneys try to break their boyfriends out of prison thinking that they’re going to live on the lam the rest of their lives in Mexico or somewhere else. Occasionally maybe that does happen, but they throw their whole lives away on guys that are in prison, they have nothing going for them. You say, why would a sane, rational woman do that? It’s because of the emotions.

I am a single father with full custody of my teenage daughter and sole-operate a year-old small business. Last December, I started dating a successful woman who owns an architecture firm. After a weekend trip, she suddenly pulled back, saying we were moving “too fast” and that she didn’t want to get serious until I built a more “stable life” like hers.

Well, if she’s the one chasing you and trying to get you to spend time with her, she’s not going to be, “Hey, this is moving too fast.” So more than likely there were things he was doing and saying when he was hanging out with her that showed he wanted to get too serious too soon. And so she used the excuse of, “Well, you’re just not stable like me.”

And the reality is, is that when a woman says that, hey, it’s moving too fast, it’s usually because you’re going at a faster pace than she is. She could tell you’re more into her than she is into you. And women like it the other way around. Women like you way more, it’s just a fact of life, if they think that they are more into you than you are into them. And if you’re a guy that’s built a new business, you’re not really going to be in a rush to get into a relationship because you’re going to want to make sure you’re dating a girl that’s cool with that, and who’s on your team and is going to be your biggest cheerleader and fan. If you just meet a girl who’s already really successful, you don’t know her well enough yet.

You know, especially if she starts breaking your balls like, “oh, well, you’re not as successful and stable as me.” It’s like you hear something like that, you go, well, that doesn’t really sound like a true ride or die kind of girl. So I’m going to keep my options open. If I’m dating somebody and she’s got that kind of an attitude. But again, when women communicate the same things no matter where they are.

And so that just tells me that he over communicated his interest, which obviously he admitted in the beginning of the email anyways. So he just came on too strong too soon, basically making it too easy for her, and communicated that he’s down and looking for a relationship. Because again, most guys are just overeager. And this is why you start hearing those objections that it’s moving too fast.

A few weeks later, I broke silence and emailed to check in.

So she basically pushed him away and broke it off. And instead of just letting her be and come back to him, he reached back out.

We reconnected, but she explicitly set the terms: Friends with Benefits (FWB). Over the next three months, we went on multiple dates. She called me “Baby” and “Sweetheart,” saying, “You are so good to me.” Confused by her mixed signals, my fear of losing her kicked in. I began pursuing too much, messaging her every day.

Remember, you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. And the only reason he pursues is he fears losing her. In other words, deep down, he doesn’t fear he’s good enough to have her and to keep her or to keep her interested. So he tries to make up for that by calling and texting too much, which is basically him needing reassurance every day that she still likes him, which is very unattractive.

And you do that enough the girl’s going to pick up on it, and that’s again why she said it was moving too fast and she backed off. So it was because he couldn’t exercise self control. He was not able to let her come to him at her pace. And obviously he didn’t know because this was before my work.

Despite my crowding, we still spent weekends together.

Obviously it must have been good dick. She liked having sex with you. So there’s that.

However, two months ago, she suggested coming to my place but kept flaking, claiming she was “too busy.”

Context: She buries herself in work to avoid grieving her daughter’s recent suicide.

So he’s continuing to make dates and invite her over despite her cancellations. So that shows that he doesn’t really value himself or his time. She recognizes that she can kind of walk all over him, blow him off. I mean, if she did that to her architecture clients, guess what? They wouldn’t be keeping her as their architect. So it’s a sign of interest and respect.

And the fact that she kept jerking him around, and he kept coming back for more shows that he didn’t value himself for his time. He was more than willing to let her waste it. Which obviously just shows that he doesn’t respect himself for his time. And so therefore she’s not going to either, because she knows she can get away with it. If you act like a bitch, women will treat you like a bitch. That’s just the way it is.

Frustrated by the hot-and-cold behavior, I texted her that I was tired of being the only one trying. She got defensive, saying I would never be hers until my life mirrored her success.

In other words, when you act more masculine than me, then I’ll be more into you.

The next day, she admitted she was harsh. Trying to stay centered, I told her I was working on my goals because she was worth it.

We stayed at her place that weekend.

You just basically said, oh mommy, I’ll show you. I can prove it, that I’m the right guy and you should choose me. That’s approval seeking behavior, which is the opposite of confidence. You can’t talk like that. Your attitude should be, “Well, that’s fine. But you know, I’m looking for a true ride or die. A woman who’s looking to be my biggest cheerleader and fan, and who’s excited about my future and my potential with me and wants to help me achieve it. And doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re the right girl for that.”

“You know, quite frankly, I’d like to see you be a little bit more supportive than you have been. And instead of just such a savage, I like a woman that brings peace into my life and makes me feel like I can do anything. And instead you’re basically saying, oh, you’re not as successful as me. It’s like, I don’t want to date a dude.”

“I want a woman who can be feminine and playful and supportive, not some chick that thinks this is a competition, and you can just kick me in the nuts trying to knock me down a few notches. It’s like, that just feels like I’m dating a dude who happens to be really hot and sexy and good in bed and looks like a chick, but that’s not what I want. I want a woman that brings me peace and joy.”

Two weeks later, she finally came to my house. We had dinner, a movie, and spent the night. Before leaving the next morning, she abruptly asked, “What are you thinking?” It felt like a test.

So if a woman says, “What are you thinking?” “Well, I like waking up with you naked in my arms. That’s what I’m thinking.” So love is playful and fun. And so you want to have a playful answer instead of getting all serious.

Three days later, on Mother’s Day, she texted saying she was mad about a joke I made, interpreting it as me saying, “I don’t understand her”, and said we shouldn’t hang out anymore.

And I would have said, “Well, we should only hang out when you’re extremely good tempered and good natured and just can’t stay away any longer. I want you coming over wanting to tear my clothes off.” So again, a guy who doesn’t really care and he’s indifferent one way or another is going to respond to that way. He was like, “Well, hit me up when you miss me, sweetheart. In the meantime, enjoy your impure thoughts about me.”

I didn’t chase. I apologized for the misunderstanding, told her that her perception was inaccurate but I respected her choice, wished her a Happy Mother’s Day, and told her to take care of herself.

Which is basically, “Hey, have a nice life.” So again, she just kind of tweaking your balls about the joke and you’re like, oh, I’m sorry, Your Highness. I didn’t mean to upset you. That’s why again, use playful humor. Kind of go with the flow, tease her. Don’t take it too seriously. Even when she threatens to back off or, I’m just not going to see you anymore, it’s like you can’t stay away from me any longer than a few days. Give me a break. You think about me all the time. You obviously miss me.

That was two weeks ago. I have maintained total radio silence since. My questions are, number one, is she a classic avoidant using her career and moving goalposts as a shield to avoid vulnerability and grief?

Well, what’s happening is you don’t make her feel safe because you’re displaying too much weakness. So she doesn’t feel like. In other words, women want you to be more masculine than they are, and you’re trying to prove yourself to her like she’s your coach or your daddy. And women, she don’t want to be that. She wants to be the one coming to you unsure about her business and how she’s going to grow it or take it to the next level, or maybe a problem she’s having with somebody that works for her.

Instead, she feels like she’s the alpha in the relationship because you’re just too soft and squishy to lead. And that’s why she backs off because she’s more masculine than you are. In other words, she displays more masculine behavior, which quite frankly, you’re going to be less attracted to that anyways. So this is why you need to clean up your game and stop going to her and treating her like your mommy, that you need an atta’ boy or you need her approval.

If it’s me in this situation, I’m following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. I’m not calling. I’m not texting. I’m not reaching out at all. If a woman cancels a date on you. You don’t ask her out for another date. She has to be the one to bring it up. And you’ve just communicated way too many times in your interactions with her that you’re willing to let her treat you like a doormat, waste your time, jerk you around, blow you off cancel dates, ignore you, disrespect you, condescend you.

Imply that she’s way more successful entrepreneur than you are. Instead of acting like your biggest cheerleader and fan, you’re rewarding bad behavior so you’re getting more bad behavior. When you get bad behavior, you give her the gift of missing you, which is not what you’re doing. But next time she reaches out, invite her over to make dinner. Hang out, have fun, hook up. Your job is to create the opportunity for sex to happen.

And quite frankly, most guys in your situation would appreciate a friends with benefits situation and would be telling the girl they’re not really looking for anything serious because they need to focus on their business and really taking it to the next level. And so under normal circumstances, you’re not really going to be able to be available for a woman as much as she’s going to like, because again, your business is in the infancy. So if she has to work to gain your time and attention, she’s going to really appreciate when you are available for her.

And so she’ll just get build herself around you to where she’s cool with only going out once a week. Maybe you don’t have the money or the budget. And so she’s going to do more fun things at home with you. The important thing is she’s just going to want to always be with you, even if you’re just hanging out at home, cooking together, spending time together, going for a walk in the park or in the street or in your neighborhood, whatever it happens to be.

Number two, am I doing the right thing by staying walking away and letting her contact me?

Thanks,

Bob

Yes, because you’re chasing after her when she disrespects you. So when she disrespects you, you give her the gift of missing you and she has to work to earn your attention. So if she cancels a date on you, you don’t bring up getting together even if she continues calling you and texting you until she mentions seeing you in person. And if you notice when you have backed off, she has come back with a better attitude.

So it’s more important and it’s better for attraction if she thinks that she’s way more into you than you are into her. Most guys will look at this and go, I’m kind of tired of her bullshit. I’d rather date a chick that works at McDonald’s or Wendy’s who’s hot and feminine and cooks for me and is excited about my future and is my biggest cheerleader and fan. Not a chick that’s trying to break my balls like I’m in a relationship with some other dude or something.

So you need to change your mindset around because that will help influence your behavior to be a little bit more indifferent, a little more aloof, and less inclined to put up with her shit and wasting your time. And to push back and tell her no when she asks you to do something or go along with something that’s just fucking unreasonable. So you don’t get what you deserve in life, my man. You only get what you negotiate.

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