Is She Girlfriend Material Or Just Friends With Benefits?

How to determine if she’s girlfriend material or just friends with benefits.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 28-year-old viewer who was dating an 18-year-old girl. Over time he let himself go, gained weight and she told him she was no longer attracted to him. Now they’re back in contact and she is open to being friends with benefits, but he’s focused on more.

I tell him what to do instead. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a 28-year-old viewer. He was dating somebody who was 18. I assume he lives in like a conservative country, probably if I was a betting man, maybe like in the Middle East or something like that.

So he’s a little bit like James Bond. However, he says over time he let himself go, gained a bunch of weight, and then she told him she was no longer attracted to him. So they kind of stopped seeing each other for a while and now they’re back in contact. She told him exactly what she thought about the fact that he’d let himself go. Then she suggested that because I guess the sex wasn’t very good, that they could just practice having sex so he could get better. So he’s clearly focused on wanting more from her. So he writes an email asking my opinion.

Viewer Email:

Hello Corey,

I broke up with my ex, first (real) relationship for me, I’m her first guy. She’s 18, I’m 28. Spending time with her was problematic because she had to sneak out to be with me due to cultural and social reasons, I had to drive to her and back and sadly it fucked with my sleep schedule so I would sleep for just a couple of hrs a day instead of at least six and I couldn’t perform in the gym, work, and otherwise (I workout a lot).

Well, sounds like he’s traveling a long way to get access to the baloney curtains. It’s a lot of work.

I put on weight, I saw the loving excited eyes and the “Girl in love look” extinguish and get replaced with a look that screams indifference.

So she clearly lost attraction and respect for you. You got to read the book, 3% Man. It’s free to read in the Members Area of my website. Just put your name, your email address and create a password and it’ll open up right in your web browser. It’s totally free. You got to learn the baseline fundamentals of what’s in the book so you cut out your unattractive behavior and start accentuating your attractive behavior because you’re clearly doing and saying things, you’re probably trying to cherry-pick from videos for a quick fix. It’s just doesn’t work. You got to learn what you’re doing right and what you’re doing wrong and what you need to do differently.

She reluctantly told me after I probed for hours (Straight from your book about pinching nipples, etc.)…

Well OK, so he’s apparently read the book, but he clearly doesn’t understand it because he probably hasn’t spent enough time with it.

…That she wants to love and to be attracted to me, but she can’t get over the fact I gained weight and that she looks at a guy at the mall she’s working in and she wants me to look like that.

I mean, she’s being honest. As Jim Rohn said, “I’ll take care of me for you and you take care of you for me.”

If you’re fit and in shape when you meet, a lot of people do this in relationships. I had Kuang on my podcast several years ago. He owns a CrossFit gym. He’s got it, like timed. I mean, he went through this whole thing because he’ll see guys come in, they just had a breakup. Same thing with women. They’re overweight, they’re fat, whatever. Then they get fit. They get in shape. They oftentimes meet somebody from the CrossFit gym. They start dating again. Then within like 90 days of them getting into a new, serious relationship, both of them disappear from the gym. Then like a year, year and a half later, one or both of them show back up. They’re fat once again, out of shape. The whole process repeats. They meet somebody new and poof! As soon as life’s going good, then they just stop working out and taking care of themselves, they let themselves go, and it’s just like a vicious cycle.

So you got to be disciplined. In other words, health and working out should be a way of life, but unfortunately, a lot of guys look at working out as, “Oh, this is what I need to attract women so I look better.” They do that, they optimize their bodies, and then they get into a relationship and they stop doing everything that made them successful. As Jocko Willink says, “Discipline equals freedom,” and you are definitely not being disciplined.

I decided that the relationship ran it’s course and broke up with her, because it’s not possible at this time to be together and have a good fulfilling relationship, I did it on her birthday too, but it was foreshadowed for two months beforehand.

Well I mean, when a girl’s telling you you’re basically fat and not taking care of yourself, and she doesn’t really want to spend time with you or hang out, have fun and hook up, you don’t try to keep somebody doesn’t want to keep you, but clearly, these puppies definitely want to keep yours truly because they want attention. This is what happens. Puppies are like chicks, kinda. They’re happy and they love you. They’re all over you and if not, they stay away from you. So do the things that make them love you and want to be with you.

This is part of being a competent man. You got to do the little things. You got to be disciplined, and when you’re an undisciplined man, it causes the woman to not feel like she can trust your masculine core. How can she possibly rely on you if as soon as you think you got her, you’re just going to stop taking care of yourself, eat a bunch of shitty food, and then let yourself go? Again, so many people do this in relationships. It’s like a plague.

What are you guys doing? Don’t be chewing my fucking books, you little shits! I got a hardcover copies of my books in the floor that I use, and one of these little freaks started chewing the corner, which I’m not happy about.

She made me promise that I would call her in six months and a year after the breakup. I did call her, she was surprised that I even remembered and told me she was sure she blocked me.

So in other words, “I’m sure I blocked you. I can’t believe you’re reaching out after all this time.“

She said that she felt ugly, unwanted, that she’s bothering me, and that I was cheating. I never cheated…

Well remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. So people that tend to project liars and cheaters are usually always accusing the people they’re involved with of lying and cheating, because that’s basically what what they’re doing. I mean, all you got to do is look at what’s been going on in the last 10 years with Donald Trump. Everybody on the left calling him a fascist, even though they’re the ones behaving like a fascist. What is fascism? As Mussolini, who created fascism, said, “Fascism is a perfect merger of state and corporate interests. It’s the politicians and the big transnational corporations and CEOs that are basically running things.” So just remember that somebody’s always accusing you of something or calling you names saying you’re this or that, they’re projecting. So just remember that all human beings do it.

…And I’m sure that she felt hurt because of my luck luster performance in bed due to my messed up schedule and routine.

Again, you were being an undisciplined man, so that’s very unattractive.

I explained it all to her, I never done anything to hurt her, intentionally, she said she doesn’t wanna come back together, after talking for a while, she being reluctant to see me, said she doesn’t want to get back together, I said that I’m OK with keeping in touch and I love her and I want the best for her, even if it’s not with me and that I’m letting go of her because I don’t want to hold her back or be a consideration in her life.

After more talks and me playing my cards right…

Well, I assume you’re letting her do all the reaching out at this point, because again, when a woman is saying, “I don’t want to get back together, I don’t want to see you,” you disengage and you say, “Hey, well hit me up if you change your mind.”

…She said she would like to use me to practice sex, for me being her sex toy and whatever. She said she doesn’t want to get back.

So in other words, “Hey, I’m going to give you the milk for free, and you don’t have to buy the cow. What’s the problem?” You get to hang out, have fun and hook up. No strings attached. You can meet and date other women and you got somebody that’s a sex playmate that you can get better with.

We started talking more frequently with her mainly initiating.

Well, that’s good.

I had sex with her once and she didn’t cum like she used to and it hurt, but I could get it hard this time. And when she was abroad for a holiday she called me in the middle of the night just to say that she made out with someone, that there was no sex, and that he’s even my age (Yeah, sure).

Well, at the end of the day, you’re friends with benefits. She’s not your girlfriend. You’re not her boyfriend. That’s where you’re at. I mean, you got to see reality as it is, not better than it is, which is what it looks like you’re doing. Just see it as it is.

If you’re following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, the article and video I did 10 years ago, 11 years ago, which will still work 100 years from now, what you do is your mindset should be that she’s got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. So, quite frankly, she should be doing 100% of the reaching out and you just make dates that can lead to sex at your place or maybe hers. It seems like you have a long car ride for whatever reason. Then the other thing is like because again, of the cultural issues, they got to be like James Bond. So it’s like he’s got to be at a certain place at a certain time in order for things to happen between them.

I don’t know if it’s even true because it doesn’t fit the flow of the conversations we had, neither her personality, but she’s young and possibly hurt and most important of all, a woman.

Well, it’s really an issue of attraction. Her attraction is low, but she’s still willing to bump uglies with you so you both can practice. As you said, your performance sucked. So get your ass in a gym, start working out, eating right and taking care of yourself. Control the controllables, as we say in the coaching industry, and when you hear from her, make dates that can lead to sex. It’s pretty simple. And other than that, I wouldn’t call, wouldn’t text, I wouldn’t do anything.

It was brief, I asked her why did she do it and she said she doesn’t know but said that she felt like she had to tell me. I played it cool in the conversation and texted her and hour later that we need to talk. When she replied early in the morning, I said that I don’t want her to call me late (She’s available only later in the day when we have privacy after her job).

So I guess that means before she gets home. So she gets out of work and she has a window where she can talk to him or see him, I guess. Again, that’s why I’m thinking it’s probably in the Middle East.

She asked if there’s anything else and I said, “No, just don’t call me late. It fucks up with my sleeping schedule.”

We didn’t contact each other since then, it’s been a week. It hurts me that she tries to hurt me or try to see if I have feelings for her…

Again, your feelings for her are irrelevant. Women only care about how they feel about you. You need to continue reading the book and getting to the point where you know it backwards and forwards and can teach a class on it and just let her do the reaching out because you’re all up in your feelings, locking her down and getting into a relationship, and she made it easy for you. All you got to do is hang out, have fun and hook up with her when she reaches out. It’s so simple. It’s the easy thing to fix, and you’re just over-complicating it because you’re all up in your feelings and focused on locking her down to a commitment and basically acting like a woman. It’s the woman’s department for her to be the one convincing you to be serious.

As long as you follow what’s in the book, you take care of you, over time, she’ll probably fall back in love with you and want to be exclusive. Then the question is, is this somebody you really should or should want to be exclusive with? Right now, all I really see the evidence of is just friends with benefits. I mean, she offered it to you. She’s like, “Hey, we can just practice having sex together so we can both become good at it.” It’s like, dude, that’s great. You get the cow, you get the milk, and you don’t even have to pay for it.

…Yet even though I was always loving and cared for her even after we broke up and in the recent period, I’m torn between never talking to her again and erase her existence and between asking her why did she do it, why try to hurt me if I always was good to her.

I would love your input on it.

Bob

It’s like, who cares? She’s not trying. I don’t look at it like she’s trying to hurt you. She’s just telling you, “Hey, I met somebody else,” and she kissed him, I guess, but no sex. Maybe she did or she didn’t. I mean, at the end of the day, you’re friends with benefits. You don’t owe her anything. You don’t owe her her loyalty or monogamy, and neither does she. She doesn’t owe you anything. That’s why this is such an easy situation to fix. Especially when the girl is down to be friends with benefits.

So in this case, because again, she blew you off, she ended things. Well, you ended things. At the end of the day, she already had one foot out the door, and it was due to all your unattractive behavior. So all you really need to do is just wait to hear from her and then make dates, hang out, have fun and hook up. Let her be the one to bring up getting together or getting back into a relationship. You follow what’s in the book and you apply what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Within a matter of months, she’ll probably be wanting to get back together with you, and then it’s up to you to decide whether or not her behavior warrants you committing to be exclusive with her or not. That puts you in the driver’s seat, which is where you should be, and then you can make an intelligent and informed decision based upon how she is showing up, but for now, friends with benefits. That’s it. That’s all you need to focus on.

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