Is She Lying or Am I Being Paranoid?

How to determine if she is lying or if you are just being paranoid about her being disloyal and devious.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating a woman for five months who checks off everything on his ideal woman list. However, he has caught her in several little lies that make him worry that she is lying about bigger things also.

She says he is paranoid and making up fantasies in his head. He asks my opinion on how he should handle this. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

His girlfriend comes from a really good family, which is interesting. She has a really good relationship with her dad. She says her dad’s always been loyal and faithful to her mother. She loves her dad. He’s like the center of her life. And so, on paper, it looks like a lot of good things are there. But we always have to look at somebody’s actions to see if they actually match their words.

I went to Catholic high school with some of the richest and most successful kids in South Florida. And what was interesting is, myself, I came from kind of a middle class, blue collar type of family. Comparing myself to some of my friends, they were basically born with a silver spoon in their mouth and had every advantage. They could go to any school that they wanted to, live in a big house, got a brand new car when they turned 16, a really nice car, went on amazing trips, always had money and had nice clothes.

And then looking back now, versus where they came from, it’s interesting. You have people that have all the advantages, and they just end up being mediocre people. And then you have people like myself, who do really well compared to people who should have had every advantage. And so, just because you have all the right conditions in the background doesn’t mean that you’re going to be the perfect human. It requires work.

Viewer’s Email:

Hello Coach,

I’ve been dating a woman for five months now. I would consider this woman my dream girl, as she checks off everything on my Ideal Woman list. However, (and it’s a big however), I am beginning to get the sense that she is deceptive and has been lying to me about little things, (which also means she’ll lie about big things).

That is absolutely true, because lying becomes a way of life for the liar. It’s just easier to tell somebody what they want to hear or tell them a big whopper and hope they swallow it hook, line and sinker, so you don’t have any drama. Because typically, they’re doing things that they know other people are not going to be happy with, so it’s just easier to lie and cover it up.

Anytime I catch her in a lie/suspect behavior she calls me paranoid and claims I am making fantasies up in my head.

That’s kind of gaslighting type of behavior, and typically a narcissist or a pathological liar will do things like that. You’ve got to, and I encourage everybody that’s watching this, to learn about narcissists and their behavior. I did a video years ago about narcissists and some of the characteristics that you want to look for. And one of the telltale signs is they try to make you think that you’re crazy, that you’re being paranoid and that they’re the sane one. That’s where the gaslighting comes from. If you actually go and read up on where the term gaslighting came from, then you’re like, wow, it makes a lot of sense.

We see a lot of gaslighting going on in the media today, especially centered around critical race theory. A lot of it’s discussed. And then you see people, especially on the liberal side of the aisle, just deny it’s happening, “Oh, it’s a conspiracy theory.” And then you go watch the video of the contentious school board meetings, where parents are getting a hold of the teaching materials, they’re getting a hold of the materials that the teachers are being trained in, and the school board members are just lying to people’s faces about this, saying it’s not happening, it’s not being taught.

Even the president of the biggest teacher’s union, Randi Weingarten, said it’s not being taught, but yet it actually is. And we have the documents, we have the testimony. The parents bring in the stuff to these school board meetings, like “We have the paperwork. We we have the stuff from these meetings and what you’re teaching our kids.”

It’s all cultural Marxism, it’s collectivism. And it has to do with people being a collective instead of individuals. Because the United States was built on the premise they were all divine individual beings here because it’s the Lord’s will, and therefore, we’re entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. The first two lines in the Declaration of Independence spell that right out.

The collectivists, the Marxist ideology, is that your individualism doesn’t matter. Only what’s good for the collective matters. And that kind of thinking is what’s led to mass genocide from the communists and the socialists. And it’s really just another way for the elite to consolidate power, because they’re not going to give up their wealth. They’re going to be the ones running things. They’re going to be the ones that are running the Communist Party. Just like you have in China, you end up with a mafia that you can’t get rid of.

I see people all the time in my comments that think they’re brilliant because they saw some video on the internet about socialism. But like I said, back to the gaslighting example, that’s where we’re seeing the teachers unions are just blatantly lying and say this stuff is not happening, and parents are having their kids coming home with this crap. So, that’s total gaslighting. Just pretend like it’s not happening. “Oh, you’re crazy. That’s a conspiracy theory.” So, it’s a real problem.

I’ll list the said suspect behavior in a bit, but the reason I am on the fence whether to believe her or my own judgement is because she comes from an extremely loving family, (her dad is her biggest role model – I met him, great guy).

It looks great on paper, but we always judge people by what they do, not what they say, just like that commie who runs the teachers union. You know, another thing that was interesting about these materials, the critical race theory, is that the teacher is to be considered like a second parent. The teachers are there to socialize the children, and the parents are supposed to respect the authority of the teacher. So, the idea is you make the kids more loyal to the state and less loyal to the family.

She said she has never cheated before and never would, says honesty and loyalty mean everything to her, etc. 

You’ve got to remember when people go out of their way to tell you how honest they are, how trustworthy they are — “I’m not a crook,” as Nixon said — usually they’re covering up for something. Like, if someone says, “I’ll never screw you over, I’m a Christian.” We’ve all probably heard that from somebody, and nine times out of ten, what happens? They screw you over. “Oh, I will totally pay you back. I’ll borrow that money, but I’ll pay you back, unlike those other people.” So the fact that she’s going out of her way to tell you how honest and loyal she is, it’s like, hey, sounds great. I love you, but I’m going look at what you do, not what you say.

The suspect behavior, however, has me questioning whether she actually is true to those values. First off, she always keeps her phone face down around me.

Not a good sign.

I asked her about this, and she said, “It’s just a habit, I always do that.”

Come on, man.

She then started leaving it face up after I called her out on it.

Well, that’ a good sign.

Second, her main form of messaging is Snapchat, (disappearing messages), which she uses constantly, (more than anyone I’ve ever met), but claimed when I first met her that she doesn’t use it that much because she hates it. She obviously loves it. A lot.

You know what’s interesting I saw was that Johnson & Johnson was saying, hey, people need booster shots every six months. And now the government is going, wait a minute, why booster shots now? It’s all about the money, baby. Because the government’s buying the vaccines. A consumable, what a great business model. It’s just like food. People are going to continually have to buy food. So, if you’ve got a product or service that people have to continually come back and buy, it’s obviously better for your bottom line.

Third, I caught her in a lie when I asked her about a party she threw at her apartment. I chose not to go because I had work early the next morning. I asked who all came. She said around ten people. I asked her who and she said she doesn’t know their names.

Come on.

I said, “You were partying with ten people for the entire night and don’t know their names?” She said yes, (she said this with such a straight face it was alarming).

Yeah.

The next morning, I asked her again and she listed off names. I said, “So, you lied to me last night?” She said yes and that she was sorry. She said, “It’s the only time I ever lied to you. It will never happen again.”

Sure.

I say, “Bullshit, it’s the first time you got caught.”

Correct.

I’ve been noticing more deceptive behavior now that I’m more conscious of it.

Here’s the other thing to consider with their family. Maybe her dad was ultra strict and therefore very controlling, and so she learned to lie as a way to get by and do things. And this is what she learned from the time she was a little girl, and now as an adult, she’s still doing it. That’s another thing, so just because everything looks perfect on the surface and on paper, you have to look at the actions, because the actions tell you everything.

But no hard evidenced lies except for the one mentioned. So, my question is, am I dealing with a deceptive woman?

Yes, obviously.

Or am I just overthinking every little action she makes, (as she says)?

Well, her behavior is suspect. You have one confirmed lie that she admitted to. So, if she’s lying about a little thing like that..? You’ll see in a second why she potentially lied about not knowing who was there. Because more than likely, when she knew you weren’t coming, she probably invited certain people that you probably wouldn’t approve of. And I’ll get to that in a second.

She is also a good communicator. We agreed early on never to go to bed mad at each other and have stayed true to that.

That’s awesome. Good job. Here’s the reason why, potentially, she forgot who was there.

She also used to do drugs before we met, and I told her I would only continue seeing her if she renounces them completely. She renounced them the first week of talking.

So, here’s the interesting thing, especially when it comes to cocaine. Cocaine makes you horny, and girls like to hook up with guys that have got plenty of coke. That’s just the reality. Cocaine makes you horny, and if a guy’s got a bunch of blow she’ll be like, a couple of rails, she’ll give out the pussy for a few rails. Do you want a girl like that?

I’m questioning now though if she was just telling me what I wanted to hear.

More than likely.

How should I approach these white lies and sketchy behaviors moving forward?

Thanks!

Bob

Well, the bottom line is you’ve got one confirmed one. We know she’s done drugs in the past. And then, like I said, you have to consider that potentially the father was maybe a little bit too controlling and created the conditions where she wasn’t able to be honest and communicate, and she had to hide things. So, now it’s a way of life for her.

And especially if she’s doing drugs, if she knew you weren’t going to be there, invited some of those sketchy people over that had coke or whatever else she likes to do, or supposedly did in the past. There’s a reason why she said, “Oh, I don’t remember who was there,” because probably somebody was there that you would have a problem with. And more than likely, she didn’t tell you the names of everybody that was there or their background.

So, what I would do going forward is, your Spidey sense is obviously communicating something is off, and you can even tell her. You just say, “You really fucked up by lying to me.” And the next time she accuses you of being paranoid, you’ll be like, “What do you expect? I don’t lie to you. I just tell you the way things are. Whether I hurt your feelings or not, I’ll be brutally honest with you. You’re being devious and deceptive. You’ve been caught in a lie and you admitted it, and you promised that you would never do it again. But quite frankly, I’m going to look at what you do, not what you say.”

And so, I see little things here and there that just seem a little off. Well, the Snapchat thing was a perfect example. “Oh, I hate it and never use it.” But as you said, she uses it more than anybody you’ve ever seen, so she obviously loves it. So those are two definitely confirmed lies. And especially if it’s the disappearing messages, what’s disappearing? What’s being said, and what’s disappearing?

So, this is why you casually date and you keep your wits about you and you don’t goo goo gaga over somebody, especially somebody that’s doing drugs and things. Because I know what that’s like. I had a girlfriend that liked to do coke. This was before it got serious. I was like, “Hey, that’s great that you like to do that shit, but if you’re going to continue doing it, I’m not interested in dating you,” and she quit. To her credit, she knocked it off, stopped hanging out with those people. And that’s the important thing, that she no longer hangs out with the people that were doing those things.

So, like I said, you don’t know enough to blow it up, but I would just really pay attention. Be like Sherlock Holmes, maybe not accuse her of everything that you notice right away, just kind of be quiet, give her enough rope to hang herself, so to speak, metaphorically. Let her think she’s getting away with the lie. Maybe keep a little tab of these things. Then after they build up, then you can confront her with it when you you know, you’re almost 100% certain, that you caught her in lies. And if that happens, then you can have one final conversation with her and tell her why you’re going to send her back to the streets, baby.

But we don’t know. We don’t know yet, but like I said, I don’t like what I’m hearing. It doesn’t sound good, doesn’t look good for her. Maybe she turns things around, but like I said, you’ve got to consider the fact that maybe the father was really super strict. Because here’s the reality, if your parents are strict and controlling, the kids will lie and be devious and there won’t be an honest, open relationship with the parents.

When it comes to drugs, alcohol, sex, all these adult things that kids are eventually going to get exposed to, who better to teach kids about them than the parents? Teach them about drinking, teach them about smoking. Teach them what drugs to stay away from, the types of people they get involved with in these things. Because otherwise, if the parent’s controlling, the kid’s just not going to be honest and forthcoming with the parent, and they’re going to hide everything from them. And the next thing the parents know, then they’re going to get raised by the streets.

Then it’s going to be the kids that they hang out with and they go to school with that are doing these things. And because the parents don’t know, because they think clamping down on their children is going to force them to do the right things, then they’ll just go experiment with their friends. And then the parent finds out the kid’s addicted to drugs, or ODs, or drives home drunk one night, wrecks their car, kills himself or kills somebody else. And then the parents are like, “I don’t even know my child.” It’s like, well, because you didn’t have an open relationship with your child, where you can communicate, where you created a circle of trust where you’re not going to judge them.

You’re there to facilitate being a good parent, because you want your child to be self-reliant. You want them to be able to go into the world because they’re going to encounter feral humans. And you want them to be prepared to deal with feral humans — people that borrow money and don’t pay it back, or people that if you’re driving all the time, they don’t give you gas money, they let you pay all the time for things. Or you go out and you buy a bunch of beer or drinks for the weekend and, “Oh, yeah, I don’t have any cash. I’ll give you some Monday,” and then they just never do.

You’ve got to pay attention to those things, because good people, honorable people, good friends are going to reciprocate. You’ve going to pay attention to that. What’s the character of the people that your children are hanging out with? Because whatever you observe you participate in. You are who you associate with. And if your children are hanging out with dodgy people and you don’t have a good relationship with them, you have no idea, that’s when tragedy happens and the parents are just shocked that they didn’t even know who their child was. Definitely something to think about.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.

“Women who are honest and trustworthy will tell you what is in their heart and what they are feeling without hesitation or fear, simply because you cared enough to ask. You will always know where you stand, and if they feel you don’t, they will make the effort to ensure you know where they are coming from. Devious women who belong to the streets will get caught in little lies, apologize halfheartedly, but then continue the behavior and try to convince you that you are being paranoid and making up fantasies in your head. When your gut is telling you that something is off or wrong, you should trust that and become a silent observer of her words, body language and actions. Then when you have enough evidence and connect enough dots, you should send her back to the streets where she belongs and find someone who is trustworthy and honest.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne