How to tell if she is playing you for a fool if the woman you are dating seems to be jerking you around, won’t commit and talks to other guys.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a guy who thinks he’s being played by a woman he used to date and hookup with in the past. However, he started talking to her again recently. She says all kinds of things that are confusing to him and that don’t make any sense. She said she wasn’t looking for anything serious and didn’t want a relationship, but they agreed in the beginning only to see each other. Then he found out she was on Tinder and seeing other guys on dates but wouldn’t go out on dates with him in public. She’d only go to his place.
They stopped talking for a while, but now she has recently gotten back in contact. However, she is still confusing the hell out of him with her words and behavior that do not match. She seems to have lots of guys in her life and seeks attention from men. He suspects that he is her backup plan and only uses him for attention and validation. The second email is from a guy whose wife of fifteen years left him for another man several months ago. That affair ended and they are hooking up again, but she is still dating other guys. He wants to keep his family together, but he’s torn on what to do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
First Viewer’s Email:
I hope you are well.
I love your videos and book. Downloaded the ebook and it was, and continued to be, a great and informative read. However, I was dating this girl I have known for quite a few years but have only just started talking again. Things started off great. Cuddles. Dates and sex. I Did not blow up her phone, and things were going well. She has just gotten out of a relationship a few months back, and she made it clear she didn’t know what she wanted and wasn’t looking for a relationship.
You’ve got to remember, if a woman is just coming out of a relationship, especially when it’s lasted several years, and they go right into dating somebody new, there’s really no time to get over the other person. And if you’re the new guy and you think, “oh, this is my future girlfriend or the future mother of my children,” she was with somebody for years and now she’s been single for four or five weeks, her emotions are going to be all over the place, especially if that guy is still in her life.
Men and women both do this. We end a relationship, we think we’re going to find somebody new right away, and then in a couple of months when it doesn’t happen, you start to become fearful. You start talking yourself into going back. As time passes, we all tend to look through rose-colored glasses and think everything was just great. But the reality is, when you go back, all those things that turned you off, they’re still there. They didn’t magically change over night.
When women start saying, “I don’t know what I want. I’m not looking for a relationship,” what they’re really trying to say is, “slow the fuck down.” Something I hammer out in my phone sessions is, “hang out, have fun and hook up.” That’s what the guy has to focus on. Too many guys make the mistake, because they’ve seen too many movies and too many TV shows where you’ve got to lock her down right away, or some dude is going to come along and steal her from you. When you behave that way, you make them feel like they’re being smothered.
Remember the Thich Nhat Hanh quote, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” And for a man, it’s creating a fun experience so every time you get together with her, she’s having fun, she’s laughing, you’re hooking up, you’re having good sex, and she’s the one, as she falls in love, who wants to bond, to connect, to open up to receive love, so she starts focusing on dating and a relationship labels. You should let the woman drive that train.
Women go into dating wanting to see if some chemistry happens. They live in the moment, way better than men do. Guys are focused on the future and what may or may not happen, instead of living in the moment. So if you’re dating a woman and shes says she’s not sure what she’s looking for, what she’s trying to say is “slow the fuck down, don’t pressure me, don’t force me into a relationship.”
Like I say in my book, create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun and hook up. That’s it. That’s what your responsible for. Leave the relationship labels and all that crap to the woman to decide. She’ll bring it up when she feels ready. She’ll hint, she’ll talk about it, she’ll bring it up. And if she’s not bringing it up, she’s not there yet.
She said she could see herself falling hard for me. However, as time went on, she would come ‘round mine to hang out quite a few times a week, and sex would happen most times. We agreed at the start we would not see other people and just see each other.
Did you both agree to that, or did you just assume it was implied on her part? A lot of guys make way too many assumptions when they’re dating.
Time went on and she no longer would let me take her out for dates or have fun somewhere.
So what does that mean? If she doesn’t want to be seen in public like that, where you had been going out and doing things publicly before, that tells me that she enjoys the sex and hooking up, but she doesn’t want to be seen with you because she’s not feeling it. Obviously, she’s controlling it to where she comes over and hooks up, and when that’s over, she leaves. She said she wasn’t looking for a relationship, so she’s acting consistent with that. You agreed to be exclusive right away, but you have to remember, women have to earn the exclusivity. They have to earn you.
When I asked why, she said she just didn’t want to go out with me and just wanted to stay indoors.
I would say, you were probably pushing too hard for a relationship. You were giving off that vibe that you were looking at her like a future girlfriend. But keep in mind, she just broke up with her boyfriend, so she’s hanging out with you because it’s a lot better than staying home all by herself and feeling bad about the relationship that ended and thinking about her ex-boyfriend. In this particular way, in her mind, she can keep things slow and not allow you to treat her like a girlfriend.
You were focused on a relationship, so you were bringing a little too much drama. There are too many strings attached. She’s trying to minimize the risk of giving you the impression that it’s going anywhere. Women are looking for freedom. If you don’t know what you’re doing, it’s really easy to turn a woman off and chase her right out of your life.
Anyway, 2 months down the line and she has been going to dinner with other guys, but told me she would not like it if I dated other girls.
More than likely, you agreed to this and you just assumed that she was agreeing to it. But the reality is, look at her actions, she didn’t. This is like a negotiation. You are agreeing to be exclusive with her, and she doesn’t have to give you that same agreement. It’s like you’re not standing up for yourself. You’re allowing this.
The only issue we had was every time she got scared about her feelings, she would say she was confused and didn’t want a relationship for a long time.
That tells me you’re constantly looking for validation from her that she likes you and wants you to be her future boyfriend. You’re focused on feelings and you’re acting like a woman. Remember, hang out, have fun and hook up. What does that have to do with her feelings? When she’s in love, she’ll tell you. You were probably constantly bringing it up and projecting what you wanted onto her and ignoring the reality of the situation. That’s how you get heartbroken and walked all over. You were too nice and you got dominated and treated like a doormat.
We called it a day, because she was dating other guys when I wasn’t, as she said she wouldn’t like it.
You took that as meaning she wanted to be exclusive.
She also agreed to call it a day, because she likes someone else. Anyway, she went and did her thing and a week later she asked to meet with me and then proceeded to discuss with me that the new guy had annoyed her.
Basically, you’re a backup plan, and because you really liked her, you put up with it. You’re allowing this girl to walk all over you, you’re not standing up for yourself, and therefore, you’re not worthy of any respect or a commitment. Besides, you gave the commitment away without really making her earn it. And since she didn’t have to earn it, she didn’t value it. We tend to appreciate things we really have to work for.
I told her I’m not going to sit here and console her about the new guy she is seeing.
She knows she can have you any time it doesn’t work out with the other dude, and that’s how you end up with fucking blue balls.
A week and a half later, and we meet up again. She told me he is no longer around, and I told her I missed her, and she said she missed me. She then proceeded to tell me that she was being really picky on Tinder. I said “Why are you on Tinder?” She said, “Well, when am I going to meet someone nice face to face?”
The reason she’s on Tinder is because you’re kind of like a place holder for now. You’re the “break glass in case of emergency” dude in her life.
She said it rarely happens. I said to her “You met someone nice face to face once outside your work,” (meaning me), she smiled, and I told her I miss her and want to start seeing her again.
You’re seeking her validation and approval. This communicates that you’re sitting around waiting on her, instead of living your life focusing on your mission and purpose and allowing her to reach out to hang out, have fun and hook up. You’re focused on locking her down. You’re acting like a woman, and she’s acting like a man.
She said maybe.
When a woman says maybe, it means no.
Then later on, on message, she said she didn’t know.
I did a video last week called, “What “I Don’t Know” Really Means.” She knows. She just doesn’t want to say it because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, and she doesn’t want to create any drama because she knows you’re probably not going to go along with it.
Is she a fuckgirl?
Well, you’re kind of enabling her behavior dude. You’re trying to date this girl and turn her into relationship material. Meanwhile, she’s on Tinder, burning up her fingers swiping left and right, and you’ve put your life on hold. You’re like a dude standing at the altar waiting for her to decide to come and marry you, instead of just hanging out, having fun and hooking up.
My gut is telling me she is?
Remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. She knew exactly where she stood with you at all times. She didn’t have to earn you at all. Therefore, she didn’t value or appreciate you.
She used to say weird things like I’m not good for you, I’m not faithful in relationships, etc.
Check please! That is not something that you can just gloss over. When you hear that, that means shes’ a fuck-buddy, a friends-with-benefits or sex playmate. That’s it. She’s not girlfriend or wife material at all. That tells you right there that she doesn’t value monogamy and exclusivity. What she means by saying that is, “You’re a really nice guy, and I’m going to break you heart, because you’re a fucking beta male. And you know what, you deserve it.” She knows she’s jerking you around, but you’re putting up with it. You’re tolerating it.
Don’t make the mistake of getting all emotionally wrapped up with her. She can’t give you what you want. She doesn’t value or appreciate it. When she’s happy, she’ll be faithful, and if she’s not, she’ll be dicking around with other dudes. That’s just her nature.
Also, she told a guy on Tinder that she was looking for something serious,
She may be telling herself that because that’s what society says, but when you look at her actions, she’s not capable of that. Her words and her actions do not match.
but when she was seeing me, she kept saying she wasn’t looking for serious.
Because she could tell you were. You were trying to force things in that direction.
I pulled her up on it asking her if she was looking for something serious, she said she does not know, but if it came to it then maybe.
You’re so focused on locking this girl down. She’s just not capable of giving you what you want. This is where pre-qualification comes in, like the video “Good Women” I did a few weeks back. Girls who have a good relationship with their parents, the parents are faithful, they’re teammates, girls who grow up in that kind of environment learn to value that. They see how a healthy relationship is supposed to work.
Girls who grow up in families where mom and dad are cheating on each other, they don’t value it. They learn to be selfish, unsure, scared, they don’t know who to trust, and they think everybody is like that.
I feel like she is just keeping me on a string for attention when she wants it. Or a backup. I need some perspective on this.
Don’t call her and don’t text her anymore. If you hear from her, invite her over to your place to make dinner together or just to hang out. Hang out, have fun and hook up. In the meantime, if you want a girlfriend or a future wife, this girl ain’t it. It’s not in the cards. That’s reality. And you can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of reality.
She has a lot of guys on social media and used to say to me she just wants attention.
That’s the hallmark of a girl who didn’t get enough attention from her dad. She had no father figure to teach her a healthy, balanced way to be a good woman.
Is she playing me and trying to keep me on side for when she clicks her fingers?
Well, you pretty much communicated since the beginning that you’re cool with that.
Please send me a little bit of advice
I’d read the book 10-15 times, I’d get out there and start dating, and just be honest yourself. I’m sure you can have fun, and the sex is probably great, but don’t take her out. Let her get in touch, and when she gets in touch, assume she wants to see you and invite her over to your place to hang out, have fun and hook up. Even if she starts to fall for you, don’t ever make the mistake of agreeing to being in a relationship with a woman like this.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I just found your stuff. Thank you for everything you do. I have a question for you. My wife of 15 years left me several months ago for another man. That affair is over now, but she still sees other men and always comes over for sex and asks me out on dates.
Hang out, have fun and hook up. It’s a simple formula.
I truly love her, but I can’t suffer her bullshit anymore. I’m afraid that if I just drop her like I should, there would never be a chance to keep my family together.
I would say, based on her actions, it’s probably better suited as an open relationship, because you’ve seen that she doesn’t value you. Your marriage vows, they don’t mean shit to her. Monogamy and exclusivity doesn’t mean shit to her.
So like I told the first guy, let her reach out to you, make a date, hang out, have fun and hook up, but if she wants to get back together and be exclusive, keep in mind, next time you fuck up, she’ll be fucking somebody else. That’s reality. I look at her actions, and her actions show me she doesn’t care.
I know that she loves me, and I love her, but she is totally mind-fucking me.
Any advice would be very appreciated.
Don’t try to turn a hoe into a housewife. You’ve got to admit to yourself and be honest, you married a woman who doesn’t value monogamy, exclusivity, communication and commitment. I mean, she left you for another guy. You allowed her to come back, so that communicates that you’re going to forgive her and you’re cool with that, but she’s just better suited for an open type of a relationship, because it will happen again.
You’ve got to decide if you are willing to live with a woman who will cheat on you when she’s not happy. If you can’t, then your only choice is to end the marriage and move on to find somebody who will values exclusivity.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“As a man, if you don’t know who you are, what you want, why you want it and are vague and unclear in your intentions, you will attract women who jerk you around and confuse you. You attract how you act. If you are too afraid to stand up for yourself, because you fear losing people from your life, you will attract women and other people who will treat you like a doormat. Why? If you don’t value yourself, your time and what you have to offer, nobody else will either.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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