How to determine if she is playing mind games and jerking you around on purpose, so you can move on to find someone better.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss three different emails from three different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who ran into an ex of his a few months ago. They started talking, but she keeps jerking him around when he tries to set dates. The second email is from a guy who has been out on three dates with a woman who says she won’t kiss him because of virus fears.
The third email is from a guy who broke up with his girlfriend because he was unsure of what he wanted. Now that he wants to date her again, she has started seeing someone else, and he doesn’t know what to do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
All three of these guys are getting jerked around and these are good emails to go through, because they’re basically investing their time in somebody who’s not really reciprocating. And this is important, because when you love and value yourself, you’re going to notice what the person is contributing back to you, whether it’s a friendship, or a client, or somebody you work for, or somebody you’re dating.
Relationships revolve around, the whole purpose of them is, you go there to give. And you want somebody that will mutually give to you, mutually appreciate you and mutually admire you. The reality is, most people are not. Most people aren’t going to see your value. That’s something that’s very healthy to accept, especially when you’re young. Most people aren’t going to like you, most clients aren’t going to buy from you, most people aren’t going to want to be your friend, most people aren’t even going to want to talk to you or hang out with you. That’s just reality.
And so, you have to look at life as kind of prospecting for all areas of your life that are important to you, so you can acquire good, quality people who really care about you, who really value you, who really go above and beyond and make the mutual effort because they value and appreciate you. And you’ve got to get good at separating the weak from the chaff — the people that really care about you, versus the people that want something from you. There’s lots of users and takers in the world.
It sucks having people in your life that are just not reciprocating, and part of learning to love and value yourself is recognizing when somebody makes the effort and somebody doesn’t. Wish them well. It doesn’t mean you wish ill on them, it’s just not a match and that’s okay. That’s why we interact with other people — to find out whether or not we’re a good match for each other, whatever type of relationship it is that we’re looking for.
First Viewer’s Email:
Hey Coach Corey,
I’ve been following your work for a few months now and was hoping to get some advice from you. About a few months ago I ran into one of my exes and we started talking and reconnecting. We hung out a few times and it seemed like we could’ve started another relationship together, but she kept giving me this vibe that she wasn’t over her ex, so I slowly started breaking contact with her, because I didn’t want to be her rebound.
Well, obviously in those kinds of situations where you’re dealing with a woman — in this case, you run into an ex you had a previous relationship with, but she’s still stinging from a previous breakup — in those kinds of situations, you’re going to want to invite the woman to make the effort to spend time with you, to see you, to be with you. And it’s just best to let her do most of the calling, texting and pursuing in those situations, especially if she’s trying to get over somebody. Because when you’re dealing with somebody that just ended a relationship, they’re typically not going to be the best candidate to date. They haven’t taken the time to heal yet.
Eventually, I stopped replying to her and went on about my life, focused on work and school a lot and basically went a little anti-social. A few weeks ago, she reached out to me and asked, “Hey, how are you?” I replied with, “I’m doing great, how about yourself?” She said she was doing fine. I told her, “Well, I’d really love to meet up and catch up, when are you free?” She told me the days she’s off from work and we set up a date.
On the day of the date, I texted her about an hour before to let her know I was on my way to pick her up, and she said to give her a little more time because she was running errands with her parents. I said it was fine. About an hour later she replied saying that she wasn’t going to make it, so I told her that was fine, asked her if she wanted to reschedule and she said yes.
I would have never have done that because now you’re just saying, “Thanks, can I have another? Can you jerk me around some more?” You just told her it was totally okay to make plans and then just blow you off, string you along and leave you hanging. This is a big part of your problem. This is obviously not the first time you’ve done this. You’re actually enabling her behavior to continue jerking you around.
We set up a date, and again on the day of she gave me the excuse that she wasn’t feeling well. I didn’t make a big deal out of it and said that was fine.
I would have just said, “Hey, get in touch when you feel better, and we’ll get together then.” But did he do that? No.
I waited a couple weeks to ask her out again and she agreed to go out, so we set up a date, and on the day of the date she texted me asking if it was okay to bring a friend.
So, she wanted to bring a cock-blocker along. This is what happens. You’re chasing and pursuing her and you’re letting her jerk you around, and now she’s like, “Oh, let me just have a friend there, because I know what he wants. I know he wants to date me.” Obviously, she ain’t feelin’ it. That’s why she wants a friend there.
I told her that I hadn’t seen her in a while and that I was hoping to have a one-on-one time with her. After that she didn’t reply back, she blew off our date and didn’t reply until the next day saying that she got caught up on family stuff.
That’s just a lie. She’s a fucking lying sack of shit. I’m sorry, dude. Asshole free zone. I would be punting her out of my life permanently, but this guy is a glutton for punishment.
I told her that was okay and all, but that she could’ve at least have the decency to let me know instead of having me waiting, and that it had been a few times already that I asked to her to hang out, and she kept giving me the run around cancelling dates. So, I told her if she wanted to go out that she knew where to find me and contact me, and if not that I would understand and leave her alone.
She said she was sorry, and that she didn’t want me to leave her alone and that she was just going through some things.
Sure, that sounds totally legit.
She said she was sorry, and was going to make it up to me and that she was going to set up a date for us. I told her to let me know what she decides. That was about 3 weeks ago, and I haven’t heard from her since.
Should I contact her or just wait until she contacts me? What should I do?
Come on man. She said she was going to contact you. I would let this woman do a hundred percent of the calling, texting and pursuing. I would never call her again for any reason. You should be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” If she wants to see you, if she reaches out, assume she wants to see you and invite her over to make dinner. Make a definite date.
You definitely need to be reading “How To Be A 3% Man” so you understand the fundamentals, because obviously, reading through this, you’re not following it. You’re chasing after a girl who blows you off, and then you try to make another date, and she blows you off again, and you’re still pursuing her. You’ve got to pay attention to how they’re treating you. She’s acting like somebody that doesn’t give a damn about you. You’re way more into seeing her than she is into you, and her actions reflect that she’s not feeling it, bro. And she’s kind of an asshole for jerking you around and lying to you.
Personally if it was me, I would block that number. I wouldn’t have anything to do with somebody like that. She’s a feral human.
Second Viewer’s Email:
So, I’ve been on 3 dates with this girl — long dates, walking arm-in-arm, holding hands — but she won’t kiss me. Not even a simple “First date” style clasp of the lips goodnight. She told me she fears Covid. That seems like a valid fear, but I cannot get over the suspicion that either I’ve been put in the “Friend Zone” or soon will be. I tried a kiss on the first date, got a firm “Covid risk” speech on the second, and now am hesitant even to try.
You know, there was a study done by the CDC. Over seventy percent of the people that got Covid were avid mask wearers. But yet, masks work, right? Isn’t it great that if Trump loses all of his legal challenges and Biden becomes the President, his Covid person that’s in charge of it wants to do a 4-6 week lockdown nationwide in the United States? Great. That’s going to be really great for the economy. It’s going to really help a lot of people — fucking morons.
And all you people that voted for that fucking douchebag, go fuck yourself. And I don’t care. If you’re going to unfollow me, I don’t give a shit. And I’ve got friends and family that voted for the douchebag, but it is what it is. So you get to reap the whirlwind. If he gets seated, we get to have another 4-6 weeks of lockdown, and you bitches that lose your job because of it, don’t be fucking crying about it. That’s what you voted for.
Is this me properly respecting a woman with a valid health concern? Or am I emasculating myself by not going for the kiss eventually?
Well, you did go for it and she rejected you. And as I talk about in, “How To Be A 3% Man,” if you get the cheek or your girl doesn’t kiss you back, she’s out. I don’t ever waste my time with that. Never, ever.
It feels like if I continue on this path, I’ll be a “friend” soon if I’m not already. Should I just chill?
Thanks for your advice.
Yeah, I wouldn’t call her or ask her out or anything. I’d let her reach out to you. I mean, personally, I wouldn’t go out with this girl. I wouldn’t do anything. I know you’re probably a glutton for punishment and you’re hoping you can turn things around, but this girl’s either structured or following a bunch of rules and is using the “Covid risk.”
In some cultures, especially if you’ve ever dated a Brazilian, it’s totally common to meet a Brazilian out and just be making out, and it’s not a big deal. It doesn’t mean you’re going to sleep with each other or date. It’s just, sometimes a kiss is just a kiss, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But obviously in this case, you ain’t getting no kissie-poo, so she’s out of here. I wouldn’t waste my time with that.
Third Viewer’s Email:
I’ve been going through a pretty hard breakup, and your videos have been a huge help. I broke up with my girlfriend 5 months ago, because I needed some time to think about the next step, (moving in together after graduation). I missed her right away and we stayed in contact constantly, but I did not get back together with her, because I wanted to give it time to see if it was just me missing her, or if I was really ready for the next step with her.
Yeah, breaking up with somebody to determine whether or not you want to stay with them — I mean, if you broke up with them, obviously, you’re not feeling like you can’t live without them. You don’t break up with somebody that you’re in love with. You just don’t. You break up with somebody when you’re not feeling it, and you kind of deep down know you should move on.
But people keep those exes in their lives, because they’re too afraid to move on. They’re thinking, “What if I never find anybody better? What if the next person is not as good as the last one?” You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first. You’ve got to take some risks. And that risk is, in this case, that you lose her forever potentially to somebody else, which kind of sounds like that’s what’s happening anyway.
A month went by after the initial break up and things were good between us, and I worked out some of my insecurities and asked if she wanted to get back together. We started hanging out for a couple weeks and I thought for sure things were back to normal, then I noticed she was Snapchatting another guy. I asked her about it, and she said she met him over 4th of July, (only a month after we broke up), and that she liked him and he’s coming to visit her, (he lives 13 hours away).
He’s come to visit one more time since then. She’s adamant about staying friends and still talks to me, even when he is here visiting. She also says things like, “I don’t know the future, maybe we will be together then.”
In other words, you’re in backup zone. She’s banging this other guy and she’s got you stuck in friends zone, so if it doesn’t work out with him, in the back of her mind she’s like, “Hey, I’ll just call you.” Asshole free zone, bro. You’re enabling her behavior by agreeing to sit around hoping things are going to change.
Essentially, she has a rebound who lives 13 hours away but still reaches out to me.
Well, actually he’s now the primary guy she’s dating and fucking, and you are the friend zone guy. You’re the backup plan, bro. I know you probably don’t want to hear that, but that’s what it is.
I was begging and pleading in the beginning and decided to do no contact, but only a week will go by and she will be texting me wanting to hang out.
Sorry for the long message, what should I do?
Well, if she texts you and wants to hang out, invite her over to make dinner together, but you’re not interested in platonic friendship. If she wants to hang out, have fun and hook up, that’s a different story. But forcing you to stay in friend zone and then her come over, for what? So she can strut around in front of you and enjoy the validation she gets from you, and then goes off and fucks the other guy — absolutely not, dude.
You’ve got to read “How To Be A 3% Man,” and I would also encourage you to read “Mastering Yourself.” You can read both for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“You should never try to keep someone in your life who makes little to no reciprocal effort to keep you in theirs. Love is a two-way street. It should be an earned privilege for someone to be an important part of your life. People, who won’t make a mutual effort to make you a priority in their life, deserve no part in yours. Keeping people in your life who don’t value, appreciate and respect you invites more of the same. The quicker you can identify and eliminate the time wasters, tire kickers, users and takers, the more easy and effortless your life and relationships will be.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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