Is She Structured, A Nut Job Or Was It Me?

How to know if she’s structured, a nut job or if you were the problem and turned her off.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who met a woman on a plane. When they got back to town he had a first date with her. She hugged him at the end and he kissed her. She texted him when she got home and the next day. He set a 2^nd date despite her trying to friend zone him. Then she canceled the date saying she wanted to be friends. He wonders what happened. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Is She Structured, A Nut Job Or Was It Me?”.

So this particular email is from a viewer. He met a woman on a plane. I guess she was sitting next to him. And when they got back to town, after they both were done with their travels, he went out on a date with her. She hugged him and then he kissed her. He said she was kind of caressing his back for a bit.

She texted him when she got home and then she also texted him the next day. And so the next day he set a second date. She tried to friend zone him on that said, he was moving a little too fast by kissing her on the first date. So she was giving him a little bit of an attitude. So it definitely looks like she’s structured and it looks like she’s a little bit of a screwball. So he made the date.

She agreed to it because she’s like, “Oh, I’m not just looking for a hookup.” He says, “That’s not what I’m looking for. I never said that.” He’s like, “I just want to get to know you. Let’s just take our time.” And so I’ve got the text exchange that he sent along with it. So I’ll kind of read it.

So he makes the date and then like the day of the date comes, and then she basically says she just wants to be friends only or friends first and get to know somebody. And he just kind of tersely responded, which I’ll read you his response, but he dipped quickly after it. So again, what are we looking for?

Easygoing, easy to get along with. She’s nice to you. She’s flexible. She’s a giver. She’s submissive. She lets you lead. She’s open hearted. She’s not closed hard. In other words, you go to kiss her, she kisses you back. She wants to touch you. She touches you. She’s not holding back going, “I can touch only after the 10th date and three months of dating” or some bullshit like that.

Don’t waste your time with structured women. I’ve been doing this a long time. In my own experience, they never go anywhere. They’re a pain in the ass and having done tens of thousands of phone sessions over the last two decades, countless emails, thousands and thousands of Video Newsletters.

I had one guy I think it was about two years ago, three years ago, he sent me an email saying that he dated a structured girl and eventually she relented and they have a good relationship. I haven’t heard anything since then, but in 20 years and all those thousands and thousands and thousands of people I’ve talked to and gotten emails from, that’s the only guy that ever dated a structured woman, and it worked out for him.

So it’s just it’s not worth your time. So I wouldn’t be spending my time trying to date a structured girl. But you can have some good practice and these things are just going to happen. You’ll see a girl you think is interested and then she starts behaving this way.

Viewer Email:

Hello Coach,

I’m writing in about a girl I was going out with and things went sideways seemingly out of the blue.

Well, it looks like she was pretty consistent. Just a structured chick being difficult. Not easy going, easy to get along with. But the hard thing is, I can say that a million times in all these videos. But if a guy really likes a girl and he’s really emotionally into her, he’ll ignore the fact that she’s structured, thinking, “Okay, well, maybe the next date things will be a little better. Maybe the next date she’ll warm up a little bit more.”

And it’s just the same fucking thing over and over and over again. And when a girl starts immediately trying to friend zone you, you can say, “Well, I’m down to be friends with benefits, but I’m not looking for anything platonic. I’ve got enough friends.”

When I was boarding a flight to go home for Christmas, I noticed a cute brunette who just so happened to be sitting next to my assigned seat. I started a conversation with her asking why she’s flying to Missouri. We live in Phoenix. She grew up in Russia and was adopted at a young age and went to high school near my hometown. She mentioned this was her first time flying home in four years. Potential red flag, I told myself.

Well, if she’s flying home after four years of not seeing her family. Well, that doesn’t sound like she got a very close family. Especially when she’s single, not married, doesn’t have kids.

When we landed, I got her number and text her a couple days later. After a brief exchange I said something to the effect of “Well you’ll just have to tell me the whole story on our first date when we get back to Phoenix.” She was excited and after I ended the exchange, she initiated contact.

We went through these cycles of a few texts back and forth, I ended the thread, then shed re-initiate contact. We went mini golfing and got ice cream one week after we both got to Phoenix. The first date went very well and there seemed to be a slight connection there.

So typically what I would do on a date like that is start out at a wine bar and have a glass of wine. Then maybe go have dinner somewhere and then mini golf, the physical activity where you can interact with each other physically should be the third date. But going mini golfing and ice cream. Again, we’re trying, if you’re following what’s in the book, you’re going to go to three different places. And the third place facilitates physical touching, physical interaction. Because most women take 4 to 5 hours to warm up to you where they’re ready to hook up.

However, she had said she’s 31, I’m 24, and she mentioned past bad experiences.

So again, if a girl just starts talking about all of her problems and all of her bad experiences and basically, “Well, all these other men dick me over, and that’s why I’m hesitant with you.” It’s like, “You can’t compare me to those other guys. That’s just not fair. I’m not going to compete with the ghosts of the men that didn’t treat you properly.”

Trying to be Mr. Sherlock Holmes, I listened. She said she’d been dating and lived with a guy for three years and that ended for reasons unmentioned, and another more recent guy cancelled a date and ghosted her out of the blue.

After reading how she behaves it’s no wonder this guy blew her off. She’s a bit of a screwball.

After she said this I thought, “hmm maybe they left her for a reason. But I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.”

Which, you know, you’ve got to spend time with her to get to know what she’s really like.

She also said her adopted family is Mormon and that they have tried to convert her from Christianity many times.

Well, that kind of sounds annoying. I know what it’s like when you’ve got family members that think they’ve got the inside skinny on religion or God, and they think it’s their duty to try to convert everybody, and it’s just fucking. I think everybody watching this has somebody like that. They found God, they found Jesus, you know, or whatever religion it happens to be, and they think their way is the only way. And you must think like them. And they get upset when you don’t see things the way they do. Real fucking drag.

I also know that her biological dad was an alcoholic and smoked a lot.

So we know she came from a broken home.

I walked her to her car, she went for the hug, and then I kissed her and she was rubbing my back.

So it seemed like a good end to the first date.

She texted me when she got home saying she’d made it back safe, and I said something to the effect of good night. She texted me again in the morning to keep the conversation going, something about not taking the freeway, so I sent a response, then got to making a date. Here’s where things get a little hairy.

So now we’ll go through his exchange. His text exchange I should say. So they’re talking about, he doesn’t, there’s more texting, but it’s just kind of talking about traffic or something like that.

He said, “What’s your schedule look like this coming week?”

She said, “I am getting back to my work routine.

He said, “Fair enough, you free Friday?”

Remember, you have to be the appointment setter. It’s your job when a woman is vague to zero in, because you’re trying to get a date. Either get her to commit to a date or commit to not having a date. But you notice, he asks, “What’s your schedule look like this coming week?” “I’m getting back to my work routine.” That’s kind of a vague answer. And he says, “fair enough. Are you free Friday?”

She said, “I enjoyed our date last night but if you are looking for quick hookup, l am not your girl.”

He said, “Huh? What made you think that?”

She said, “A kiss on the first date was a little quick. I want to be friends and see where it goes from there. I have had a lot of bad experiences, so I am little cautious.”

Well, I would say, “I’m not interested in just being friends. I’m interested in hanging out and seeing where things go. I’m not in a rush, and I’m not looking for a hookup. I want a meaningful connection. If you’re up for that, I’d love to see you again. If you’re not, well, you’ve got my number. You can hit me up if it doesn’t work out or if you change your mind.”

She said, “There is a big age gap with us and I’m not sure if we’re on the same page or looking for the same thing.”

He said, “I’m not in any rush.”

She said, “Ok. What do you mean by that?”

He said, “Just seeing where it goes. Not looking for just a hookup.”

She said, “Ok, I will go with you on Friday.”

He said, “We’re gonna grab dinner, I’ll pick you up at 6.”

And she hearted that message.

She said, “Thank you!”

With little prayer hands.

He said, “Of course!”

She said, “You doing anything exciting today?”

He said, “What’s the usual Russian style.”

She said, “Hm. Not sure! A Russian stereotype is a track suit and Adidas. From what I heard Russian women dress up and are put together.”

She said, “Hi Bob. How is your week going? I will not be able to do dinner on Friday. I apologize for the late notice. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I’ve realized I’m not in a place to date right now. I would like to be friends. Hope you can accept this.”

And so I would say, “I’m not interested in friends or something platonic. We could be friends with benefits if you’re not looking for anything serious. But I’m not going to do just platonic friends. You’ve got my number. Hit me up if you ever change your mind.” But he was clearly just, like, over it.

He said, “I don’t need more friends. Take care.”

I mean, she’s canceling the date for a BS reason and offering friendship for the second time. So at the end of the day, she’s structured and he should dip anyways. He’s like, “I don’t need more friends. Take care.” When you say “Take care” to a woman, it basically means, “Have a nice life. I’m deleting your number. You’ll never hear from me again.” And so he continues on.

What the hell? Never heard back. I deleted her number and everything right after this. This seemed out of nowhere and I thought I was doing well.

I was like, well, if you remember, she tried to friend zone you, even when you were trying to set the date. So that tells me her interest is low or she’s structured. But at the end of the day, we’re looking for, “Hell yeah. I’d love to go out with you. That’d be wonderful. I’m so glad you asked. I’m so glad you’d like to get together again. We had a great date.”

But when she’s not appreciating it and she’s offering you friendship twice, and you only went out on one date, and then she’s canceling at the last minute, going basically, “Hey, I’m a screwball. I’m a little messed up. And I can’t date right now.” Those are not things that you want to hear.

She’s basically telling you she’s messed up. And we’re looking for healthy women. We’re not trying to date women that are, you know, trying to get their life together or figure themselves out or that are structured or pain in the ass. We want easygoing, easy to get along with, flexible. She’s nice to you. Communicates like an adult.

So cancel a date right at the last minute, then an offering friendship is like, that’s not nice. It’s fucking rude. So that’s disqualifying. And at the end of the day, I wouldn’t have texted what he texted her. But it was you know, kind of the same difference. It basically told her to have a nice life.

She initiated all contact except for the very first text after I got her number, I let her do 80 to 90% of the talking on the date, and she was super into me.

Well, just because she does all the reaching out doesn’t mean she’s not a screwball. The whole reason is you take them through the process that’s in the book. Dating is a process, and that process will reveal a woman’s true interest and her attitude. Because we’re looking for mutual effort, mutual enthusiasm, and there’s clearly not mutual enthusiasm here.

And it’s been that way since he met her. Even though she was nice. She seemed to be into him. She did kiss him back. But whatever reason, she’s not in the right place. She’s not in the right headspace. And plus, she’s doing the cardinal sin of breaking a date with no excuse other than, “Hey, I’m a screwball”, basically. So that means delete the number and move on. And so he did. He did the right thing.

I let her do 80 to 90% of the talking on the date, and she was super into me.

I would say you overrated her interest. Because again, if we look at her actions, she’s not super into you.

She might have a lot of baggage. Is this just the universe bringing me a nut job to say, “Don’t bother with girls with too much baggage.”? Or, based on what I provided, did I miss something?

No. She just sounds structured and like she’s messed up. And we’re not looking to date girls from broken homes if you’re looking for a long term relationship. So I mean, she just basically said she’s a mess. She came from a broken home. Her dad was an alcoholic and smoked excessively. She hasn’t seen her family in four years, so she’s probably not very close to her family. And that’s why you’re getting this kind of behavior.

So don’t try to be Captain Save-A-Hoe and fix the girl, because you’re not going to fix it. She’s just, the way she is. You’ve got to acknowledge reality. If you had other choices and other options beside her, you would just spend your time with a girl who’s not putting up all this BS and all these roadblocks in your way.

I really want to improve and find a good girl. If this was something I screwed up, I want to fix it.

Thanks Coach.

It’s like, no, dude, I think you did great. So I would have texted something different at the end to leave the door open. But you were just like, “take care”, have a nice life. Because she canceled a date. Now Doc Love, the late, great, Doc Love. He’s like, if a woman cancels a date, doesn’t offer reschedule, and just gives you a BS excuse, then you flush the number and that’s it. She gets one chance per lifetime. Because if you continue trying to date a girl like that, even when she re-engages, it’s not going to work out well, typically.

So it’s just better to eject and move on. So I think you did great, man. There’s no reason to beat yourself up. You’re just going to come across this. Again, this is why you apply what’s in the book. You kissed her. She gives you an attitude about it the next day. She tries to friend zone you. So you only went on one date and you had the expense of whatever you spent on her on the one date, which was mini golf and ice cream, which can’t be too expensive. So now you can cross her off your list.

So you probably won’t hear from her again. Maybe she reaches back out, and if she does, invite her over to make dinner at your place. And if she doesn’t want to come over and do that and gives you any excuses, just say, “You know, it’s been a long week. You know, I’m just in the mood to hang in my place. If you don’t want to come over and give me a call in a couple of weeks and I’ll meet you out then.”

But like I said, you probably won’t hear from her again, or maybe in a few months you do. But I wouldn’t take her out or meet up with her. She’s got to come to you. Follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, but you already deleted the number. And so if she reaches out in three or four months, you can say, “I’m sorry. Who is this?” Let her know that you don’t have her number anymore.

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