How to tell if she is taking things slow romantically or just stringing you along until she finds someone she likes more.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has read 3% Man, 3 times so far. His ex recently got back in touch after 3 years when she broke up with her most recent boyfriend. This was the 3rd time this has happened. He’s chased her away every time in the past. They have been seeing each other about once per week for the past few months, but there is no intimacy.
He’s still attached and is pursuing her, but it’s getting him nowhere. He asks what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
The problem is that he’s been hanging out, having fun, but no hooking up has been happening, and you can tell he’s going right back to the same thing. But the good news is he has come across my work. He says he’s read 3% Man three times. But why this email is great is because it illustrates the problem of when somebody pushes you away and you keep pursuing and pursuing, they just eventually leave and ghost you, and you’re out of their lives. When they do come back, you don’t start pursuing them again.
And so, this guy, I don’t know if he’s read “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” the article and video I did on this topic, but a lot of guys that do come across my work and do understand that, the woman starts coming back and then they go right back to, “Oh, I’ve got to reach out at least once a week,” and they start pursuing again. And the whole philosophy is, hey, she unilaterally changed the terms of your relationship. She ended it, she pushed you away. You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you.
If somebody doesn’t want to keep you, and then they later come back and want another shot, they’ve got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. And if they’re trying to earn another chance with you, you don’t start pursuing them, because as soon as you start pursuing them, they start backing off. I mean, this has happened three times, and it started happening again, but then the guy recognized that he was pushing her away. The problem is that he’s not getting any romance.
First off, thanks for everything you do. I bought your book a couple weeks ago. I’m on my 3rd reading and watch several of your videos a day. Great stuff! I wish I would have found your work years ago, but here we are.
Here we are, and you’re still making the same mistakes. But you’re new to the work. The pattern you’ve got to see is that you keep going back and behaving the same way that got you rejected the last time around. Instead of having the attitude of, “Why should I even give this girl another chance? We’ve been we’ve been through this twice already.”
I’ve been seeing an ex that is fresh out of a relationship and would love some advice, please. We dated for 4 years and lived together. About 6 years ago, she ended the relationship.
Since she ended it, because women break up with the guys about 75% of the time, it’s up to her to fix it. She pushed you away, therefore, she’s got to pull you back in and convince you why she’s changed, and how things are going to be different this time around, and why you should give her another chance. The complete opposite mindset of what this particular guy has been employing.
I realize now that I was ‘coasting’ on what I had done to make her fall in love with me and didn’t keep up the courtship.
So, like a lot of guys, he stopped dating and courting her once he got into a relationship and they were living together.
About 3 years ago, we started hooking up again for a few months but in hindsight, I pushed things toward a relationship too soon and drove her away.
So, he was trying to lock her down to a commitment. This is the woman that broke it off with him. They were living together. And then, he goes right back to trying to lock her down and possess her, because that’s what you see in the movies and the TV shows. That’s what you’re supposed to do ‘as a man,’ according to modern media and television.
But if you go back 50, 60, 70, 80 years ago, it’s the opposite. The women were always trying to lock down the best, most eligible bachelors and win the guy over, and the guys were usually, reluctantly, eventually agreeing to get married. But the point being is that the women were convincing the men why they should settle down. And so, what you see now is a complete role reversal.
She ended up with someone else. Fast forward to a few months ago, and guess who I hear from?
I wonder who that could be.
Her relationship ended. She reached out to me and suggested we catch up. After several more dates, I started getting anxious for a relationship and felt her pull back slightly.
So, he went right back to the same behavior that got him rejected the previous two times – overpursuing, acting like a woman.
Luckily, I realized what I was doing before I did anything too stupid and mirrored her actions. I let her initiate 90% of contact and used that as an opportunity to set the next date.
Well, if you were following “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” the article and video, you would know that she should be doing 100% of it. She’s supposed to be trying to get another chance with you, but you’re still in the mindset that you’ve got to convince her to stick around this time. Therefore, you’re still pursuing.
You don’t pursue somebody that rejects you, and blows you off, and disappears, and goes off and has a relationship with somebody else. That person should be trying to convince you of why they deserve another chance. And when you behave this way, you’re telling her that there are no consequences for jerking around, and blowing you off, and choosing somebody else.
Thankfully, I found your content right around then, which I think saved me from doing any major damage. We’ve been hanging out about once a week for the past few months, but things haven’t progressed beyond that. She still initiates contact 90% of the time and is always enthusiastic about hanging out.
Again, this is why you don’t pursue somebody that rejects you. But he’s he’s not getting the message, because he’s obsessed with locking her down. He’s obsessed with acting like a woman. The sexual polarity is totally reversed, dude.
We haven’t had sex yet.
Again, this is why you don’t pursue somebody that dumps you. You end up becoming the emotional tampon, because you don’t have the balls to stand up to her and walk away and never look back.
But we do other things, (make out/hands/oral/etc.). She’s still a little fucked up emotionally from her last relationship ending and some other things going on in her life, so I haven’t pushed. When she asked what I thought of us hanging out again, I told her that I want to continue to have fun and let things develop naturally between us, and that I’m not interested in being in a relationship if she’s not 100% ready to be in one with me.
Again, he’s focused on a relationship. He’s focused on locking her down. He’s focused on acting like a woman. Even though he’s read “3% Man” three times, as he claims, he’s doing the opposite of what it teaches. You don’t initiate any contact, you don’t chase, and you don’t pursue, especially a woman that’s no longer sleeping with you. You lived with her 4 fucking years, dude. Seriously, 4 years. And yet, you’re hanging out with her for multiple months with no access to the promised land, no access to her secret worlds anymore.
She’s told me that she’s had advances from the male orbiters in her social circle, (don’t worry, I played it cool), so I know she has other options, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s been out on dates with other guys.
That also might be why she’s not sleeping with you, because she’s actually sleeping with somebody else. And you are her emotional tampon, her gay male girlfriend. She just she knows how to manipulate you, and you just fall for it every time.
My question is, do you think it’s taking her longer to warm up due to her raw post-breakup emotions, or is she keeping me around for comfort/validation while she looks for someone new?
Well, you’re a known quantity to her, and she knows that you’ll behave like a good little boy waiting for your turn, instead of a man who’s a catch, who loves and values himself. And, at the end of the day, you don’t chase and pursue somebody that is not sleeping with you, who you had all this history with. It’s absurd. I mean, you’ve got to have some self respect, dude.
So, what I would do if I were in your position, stop asking her out. And as “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” explains, you don’t date her, you don’t take her out on dates. You don’t pick her up, you don’t go to lunch dates, you don’t meet her for coffee. You don’t do any of that. She has to earn another chance with you. And so, the only distance that you’re going to be willing to travel to see her is the distance to go from wherever you are in your house to your front door to let her in when she comes over to make dinner in the evening together.
But at this point, when she reaches out, I’d talk to her for a little bit, “Hey, it’s great hearing from you. I’ve got to run. Talk to you later.” Same thing with the text exchange. Talk, send a few replies back and forth, and go, “Hey, I’ve got to run. Talk to you later.” Never bring up getting together again, because all you’re doing is getting blue balls.
And she obviously knows that you’ll put up with it until she finds somebody else, and then she’ll just blow you off again. You’re like her little plaything, and you’re just happy and eager to do that and play that role. It’s emasculating and it’s demeaning. And, quite frankly, it’s pathetic. After all this time you’ve got with her, you’re still chasing this girl, even though you’ve got blue balls. It’s like, come on, dude. Have some self respect.
So, I wouldn’t bring up getting together unless she brings it up. And if she does, invite her over to make dinner at your place. And set it like a week in advance. Don’t be in such a rush to get together with her. But, unless she brings up getting together, I wouldn’t ask her out on any more dates. You’ve got to actually follow what I teach, because you really haven’t modified your behavior in any way, shape or form.
You may not be pursuing as much as you were before, but at the end of the day, your mindset is completely the opposite of what it needs to be. You’re thinking, “How can I lock her down and possess her?” Which has always been your problem, trying to lock this girl down, who, quite frankly, based on her behavior, I’m sure you’re going to see in the comments, people will be like, “dude, this girl belongs to the streets.” She’s just using you because you’re too soft. She likes you because you’re a nice guy, but you put up with this crap.
I plan to play it cool and indifferent either way and keep other options open, but I’m curious if you think her not progressing things between us is worthy of concern…
Yeah. You’re acting like a bitch, dude.
…or just a natural effect of her emotional state, or possibly even just a test to see if I get needy and try to push.
Well, you are pushing. You’re pursuing 10% of the time. You should be pursuing zero. The last thing you should be excited about doing is getting involved with this ex. I mean, this is the third time, and now she’s no longer giving it up to you. What does that tell you? It tells you she ain’t feeling it, probably because she’s sleeping with somebody else, and it ain’t you.
It feels like there are a lot of variables here, and I’m not sure I’m navigating them properly.
Well, you definitely are not, and I pointed that out. You should be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” You don’t go out on dates, you don’t be Mr. White Knight in shining armor or any of that garbage. You’re willing to hear her out. You’re willing to entertain her if she wants to come over and make dinner together with you. But other than that, no. You don’t go pick her up or meet her out. The only way you’ll start doing those things is if she comes over three dates in a row and you hang out, have fun and hook up all three dates.
She’s got to do 100% of the pursuing. She should be earning another chance with you, not the other way around. And after all this time, you’re still begging for her attention and validation. And I’m sure you’re going to get quite a roasting in the comments, so let the sting happen and hopefully you’ll take some corrective action. Because this is the third time you’ve tried the same failed approach. You’re not doing it as much as you once were, but at least the first two times you were getting laid, and now you’re getting nothing.
You’re just her emotional tampon. You’re the backup plan that she knows she’s always got. You’re the ace in the hole, the guy that will always be there. But because she doesn’t respect you and you’re not stimulating her emotionally, she’s not wanting to sleep with you. That’s what I would do if I were you, my man, because you’re not getting anywhere by your approach. But it’s your life. You do as you choose. But the reality is, it didn’t work the first two times. Why do you think is going to work the next time?
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you would like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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