Is She Toxic Or Not?

How to determine if she is toxic or not, so you can either fix your relationship or move on to find someone better.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who broke up with his girlfriend of two years about six weeks ago when he caught her texting another guy. She’s now trying to get him back and he is unsure of what to do.

The second email is from a guy who started dating a new woman whose ex-boyfriend was harassing her and trying to get her back. He made some mistakes and she went back to her ex. He is mad at himself for doing things that were unattractive and turning her off but wonders if he could have made it work with her if he hadn’t made all the mistakes. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.

I see this so much in my phone sessions, guys involved with women that are just not good women to date. They’re trying to have a relationship with women that are just not good quality dating and relationship prospects. You’ve probably heard me say many times, and I’ll continue saying this as long as I continue to do these videos and I’m still six feet above ground, is that ideally, if you’re looking for a long term relationship — I have found this personally in my own life, I wrote about it in my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man” — you want women that have good relationships with their fathers and their mothers, and the parents have a good, healthy relationship.

I do talk to guys sometimes, and they’re like, “Oh yeah, she’s got a great relationship with her dad,” but yet she walks all over her dad and treats her dad like a bitch. That’s not a happy, healthy relationship. I’m talking about where she actually respects her father, talks to her father, listens to his advice and his counsel, seeks it out. Her parents talk things out. It’s just extremely rare to see that these days, because there’s so many people who come from broken homes, or where the mother was missing, or the father was missing, or there was just lots of cheating and lots of chaos growing up.

We’re all products of our environment, and if people grow up in a toxic environment, most people, close to one hundred percent of them, will never do the work on themselves to fix what’s broken, or fix what’s wrong with them, or fill in their knowledge gaps. Most people aren’t going to read a book like “How To Be A 3% Man” or “Mastering Yourself” and try to figure out how they can reach their full potential. It’s just, they just simply won’t do it. It’s too much work, it’s too much effort. Because fixing something about yourself means you have to admit that something is messed up in the first place, and most people just would rather pretend that the elephant in the room is not actually there.

First Viewer’s Email:

Coach, 

I have read your work, 10-12 TIMES, (I know still need more). Here’s the deal. I dated this woman about 2 years, I called it off 6 weeks ago, because she broke our shared values (trust) and was using insecure behavior after she abruptly left a family dinner in my home after a political argument and cried in the bathroom, RED FLAG.

Well, quite frankly, lots of people are having difficulties with their family, especially in this political day and age. Most of the people in my family are Trump supporters, and I’ve got plenty of people that are kind of lefties in my family that love Biden and they think Trump is horrible. And it really makes for some interesting holiday conversations, to say the least.

And I have a few friends that just absolutely hate Trump and and think Biden and Kamala are just the bomb and going to be amazing, and life will be amazing. It won’t go back to what we had before under the Clintons and the Bushes and all that. And it just makes for interesting conversation. And especially now, people get mad and they don’t talk. I just see over the last four or five years, just occasionally when I do go onto my Facebook, I see people that I was friends with and I’d known for my whole life that they’ve unfriended me, because they’re pissed off about my political views. It’s just the nature of reality.

And said she was hurt because I didn’t stick up for her.

So, obviously if you’ve got family members who are berating her and and not being respectful, yeah, you need to stand up for your girl and not let people attack her. However, that doesn’t excuse this other behavior, which we’re about to see.

She comes from a broken home, and her dad committed suicide 2 years ago around the time we dated, so we have been through a lot for a young couple. I am 27, she is 25.

So, I caught her on her phone more than usual, texting, which she rarely does around me, and found out she was flirting with a guy in Colorado saying, “I can’t wait to meet you,” and “I hope I am not too much,” among other things.

Yeah, that’s not something you want to see your girlfriend of two years doing. That’s just, “Hit the road, Jack, and don’t you come back no more, no more.“

I erupted. Immediately woke her ass up, and went full rage saying it’s over and having a mini meltdown saying it’s over. 

Well, I mean, obviously, that’s a major violation of your trust. This is your girlfriend, and you’re in a relationship. It sounds like she’s staying over at your house. I don’t know, maybe you guys even live together. But I mean, that just blows the trust up right there if she’s having intimate conversations like she’s trying to start a relationship with somebody else.

This is this is what you see a lot of with chicks that come from broken homes — no dad or a bad relationship with their dad. They’re just insecure. They never learn these things, and they never learned a healthy way to interact with other men. And because they were constantly disappointed as a little girl growing up and daddy not coming through, then what happens is they treat all men this way. They’re desperate for male attention and validation, because they didn’t get it as a little girl.

And like I mentioned in a video I did this past week, “Toxic Women Who Have Backup Boyfriends,” it’s like they create a Frankenstein boyfriend. They’ve got one guy that comes over and fixes their car or unclogs the toilet or whatever, and he’s her emotional tampon and listens to her complain about all the guys she’s actually sleeping with and how horrible they are. Then she’s usually got one guy she’s actually having sex with and sleeping with, and then another guy that she’s kind of dating or that takes her out for dinner, but he’s kind of stuck in friendzone.

She might have another guy that does projects for, maybe he works on her website for free, or maybe he cuts or lawn, or maybe he does things for her for free that she should be paying. She kind of dangles a carrot in front of all these guys, the ones that are stuck in friendzone or hoping to get in her pants, and she just uses men to get the things that she wants. And obviously, in this particular case, it’s like if it was me waking up to that, I’d be like, “I don’t care what the excuses are. We’re done. You’re out of here.” There’s no second chances after that.

A house divided against itself cannot stand. It’s bad enough with all the political stuff and people not getting along. I mean, after Trump won, it’s like half of my family — they’re all lefties, they live in Seattle and other places which have been in the news lately — and it’s like they were so mad that we voted for Trump they were like, “We’re not coming to Thanksgiving this year.” It’s just like, whatever. Suit yourself, enjoy the snow, enjoy the 50 below weather, and we’ll be in 80 degree weather in the sun down here in South Florida.

It is just I feel we have grown so much. I do not have anything more to give.

Well, it’s not your job to the fix her. It’s not your job to make her into a loyal girlfriend. You gave this girl two years, and she started trying to create a relationship with some other dude.

She is back on her feet but obviously has a lot of baggage, trauma, and things to figure out on her own.

Yeah, that’s her journey. It’s her path. You were a good boyfriend for two years, and this is how you get repaid.

She always accuses me of checking out women, and when I am nice to employees or a woman she always gives me shit, like, “why are you flirting with her?”

Yeah, that’s the hallmark of a lying, devious, cheating person. Remember, as I talked about, in “How To Be A 3% Man,” no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. In other words, we all project what’s inside of us. And so, for the liar and the cheater, what do they typically do? They’re always accusing the other person of lying and cheating, when in reality that’s how they are.

So, if you’re dating a woman and she starts acting that way, that’s a major red flag. She’s either extremely insecure, or she’s the type that would be a liar and a cheater. And you have to put her in her place and see what happens after that. I had the same conversation with my ex-wife many years ago, because she was getting jealous and insecure of other women around me. And it just got to be such a pain in the ass, because she was insecure. And on some level, she knew that she didn’t completely have my heart at that time.

SUCH A TURN OFF. Right after I dumped her She said she was getting a job in Colorado. We live far away, and so as an aspiring career man, I thought the best way would be to cut her off completely in the temporary until my feelings are mellow.

I mean, obviously, that’s where this other dude lives, so, “Hey, have a nice life, good luck. I hope you guys send me a Christmas card.”

Turns out after blocking her, she emailed me multiple times to reach out. I set a date, but she got emotional and honestly had to leave… notice a pattern here?

It’s like, why? If you take her back, she’ll just keep doing it. There’s no consequences. And you’re probably not the first guy she’s done this to. She’s probably screwed around with every guy she’s been with and talked to other dudes behind their backs when she wasn’t happy. That’s just how these people behave. They don’t know any better. This is how they learned. And that’s why it’s just best to not get involved with women like this.

One week later, we got a tea and hung out, not much besides kissing, but had fun and had a great time like the old days. So, I unblock her and she is texting me on and off. It got to the point again, I just can’t have this woman linger Corey. She calls me, and is down to “hang,” but a part of me wants to move on and be a mystery. She said if I block her again from all communication “she’ll go crazy” and she even noted “lose control.” 

So you go, “Well, why don’t you go crazy and go lose control on your new boyfriend in Colorado?”

My question: do I block forever, because this woman is so fine and during this pandemic she is a love in my love and treasure, but I just do not want her sexy ass distracting me to fully move on? Out of sight, out of mind for me. 

Thank you,

Bob 

Well, if it was me, I’d have been done with her. I wouldn’t have gotten back together and hooked up or any of that. It’s just like, if a woman like that violates your trust, you’re enabling her behavior. You’re teaching her that there’s no consequences for lying, and cheating and being devious. And so, by giving her another chance, you’re enabling her behavior.

So this reminds me, back in the beginning, I was talking about the guy that I had a phone session with recently, so this is a similar situation. This guy met this particular woman at one of his activities with his group of friends, and they started talking and just kind of shooting the shit, very casual. He thought she was hot. And obviously, she revealed that she was interested, but “I have a boyfriend” came out of her mouth.

And so, because of this activity that they shared, they continued seeing each other at this activity because, I think it was at least once a week they would bump into each other. And over the course of a month or two, then they started hanging out, and then eventually she revealed she had a crush on him. But she had a boyfriend, and she lived with the guy. And the “Mr. Captain Save-a-Hoe” inside of him thought, “Hey, I’m different. I’ve got Corey Wayne’s book “How To Be A 3% Man.” I can fix all this. I know exactly what to do.”

At the end of the day, the book brings out the best in the best and the worst in the worst. And in this particular case, he did the same thing I did. I wrote about this. I thought I’d be different. And the reality is, if you get involved with one of these women that just doesn’t value loyalty, she never learned it, she never saw it growing up, it’s like, you can’t expect her to value that. She may want to, she may tell you she wants to be loyal, but when you look at her actions, she’s a drifter.

And so back to my client, they’re hanging out one time, and one thing leads to another and they have sex. And then a few weeks, a month or so later, she ends up finally breaking up with this other guy. And so they start dating, they rent a place together. She moves to a different state, he goes to move with her, they get a house together. And then he’s still kind of commuting back and forth, because he can work remotely from the state that they were moving from.

And then, slowly over time, what happens is he ends up paying all of the rent and she’s not giving him money for that. And then on top of that, she says, “Oh, this new guy at work I’ve been hanging out with,” and she’s had him over to the house, and he’s noticed over the last month or two that she’s not as into him as she was, and she’s talking more about this other guy at work.

And, you know, he had made some mistakes. He got to the point when he really started caring, he started over pursuing a little bit, and so what happened is that this woman’s attraction drops, she just starts inviting attention from other guys. It’s just the way she is. She leaves her boyfriend for him, but he thinks she’s going to stay with him forever, because she’s like, “I love you. This amazing It’s a soul connection.” I mean, anything you could think of, like out of the movies. She was totally crazy for this guy, because he was unattainable and he wouldn’t date her initially in the beginning because she had a boyfriend. But once they started hooking up, he just figured, “Hey, I’m Captain Save-a-Hoe.”

And then on top of that, she’s like, “I miss my ex-boyfriend.” She started telling him that a few months ago. So she’s obviously talking to the ex-boyfriend, and she’s talking to one of her co-workers who she’s had over to the house, that he’s basically paying all the rent for now. And he was like, “But do you think if I do everything in your book properly this time that her interest will go back up and she’ll blow this other guy off?” There’s a good chance of that, but as soon as you slip up, which is inevitably going to happen, you’re not perfect. You’re not going to be the best boyfriend all the time, 24/7, 365 days a year for the rest of your life. You’re going to get busy, you’re going to get complacent, you’re going to get caught up, and when her interest drops, this is what she does.

This is what she knows. It doesn’t matter what words come out of her mouth. If you look at her actions, she cheated on her ex. Now, she’s starting the process of cheating on you after telling you that she was your soulmate. You know, she’s a sex playmate, fuck buddy, friends with benefits, that’s it — open relationship. She’s not girlfriend material. And it’s hard for a guy to accept that, because in his mind, “We’re soulmates. It was so amazing. The sex was so passionate. We were staring into each other’s eyes.” It doesn’t matter. She belongs to the streets.

Second Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I’ve only read your book twice so far, but it has already made me realize where I went wrong with this girl I dated for about two months. During our time together, she had repeatedly stated that her ex-boyfriend had neglected her, which made her break up with him two or three times.

While she was with me, he was texting her daily, harassing her at work, leaving flowers in her car and came to her doorstep crying one night. She claimed that his behavior was completely out of line, and she was going to block him and cut him out of her life.

That’s another thing. When you start dating a woman in the beginning and she’s telling you about these things, you don’t get involved with women like this that have got these messy exes in the background that are showing up at their house at night. Because think about it, if you’re there, you go back on a date, and then the ex-boyfriend shows up. People are nuts.

One of my brother’s friends from college got murdered, because he just happened to go home with this particular girl, and he hadn’t really even started dating her or anything. And he had no idea she had a crazy ex-boyfriend. The guy shot him in the head and killed him in front of her place and then turned the gun on himself and shot himself in the head. And his last words were “See what you made me do.” Then he blew his brains out right in front of her.

So it’s like, you just don’t know. It’s not worth it, man. No chick is worth it. Remember, no drama allowed. And so, when you talk to a woman who’s got drama in her life, you just go “Check, please.”

She was also already talking to me about getting married and moving in with her, but I pushed her away by showing signs of insecurity. Keep in mind, this was within two months of knowing each other.

So obviously, you were good right out of the gate.

When we broke up, due to reasons I have come to realize through your work, she went back to him and posted on social media that he is the best thing that has happened to her and things like that.

Well, she’s his problem now.

I know that I drove her back to him, but my question is, if I hadn’t done that does her behavior suggest that she’s toxic and would have backup boyfriends anyway?

Yeah, it sounds like she probably is not a good judge of character. Again, a woman growing up without a good, strong, masculine father presence, whether it’s a grandfather, or an uncle, or stepdad, or a dad, that’s just what they do. And it’s not your job to fix them. The idea is you want to observe, you’re on the lookout for this behavior. That’s why you’ve got to be inquisitive, especially in the beginning, and find out about the parents and the family.

But like I said, I’ve had clients go “Oh Corey, but she’s got a great relationship with her dad.” And then when I asked him specific questions about the interactions between the daughter and the father, you find out how dysfunctional the mother and the father’s relationship was. I’m like, “No, that’s not a healthy relationship.” So he says “But she’s got a good relationship with her dad.” Well, if it’s an unhealthy relationship, that’s not a good relationship. If he spoiled her and she walks all over him, no, that’s not good.

If I had played it right would it even matter with this girl?

Probably not. Look at her actions. You just bottom line, what are her actions?

She definitely hadn’t had the father figure in her life like you talk about.

No drama allowed. Ding, ding, we have a winner, ladies and gentlemen. Nope, she belongs to the streets.

I would just like to recognize these red flags in the future before I invest in someone like this. Your work is amazing. I have another ten reads left to go.

Bob

Well, again, ask about the family, ask about her parents, because the more messy the home life is, the more messy she’s going to be. I’ve seen that so many times in my own life, and at this point and doing this for a living, having done tens of thousands of phone sessions over the years, it’s as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west.

Now, it doesn’t mean that one hundred percent of women are like this, but the odds that a woman has done the work on herself and fixed herself, it’s so slim. Unfortunately, that is the reality. So, the way I look at it, it’s like she did you a favor. You learned from it, you had a good experience, you got to hook up with her. You got a little bit better with the fundamentals in “How To Be A 3% Man,” which is obviously what I want to see you guys doing. Because the goal is to have fun, learn something and get better. Pretty simple.

So if you do that, it’s a win, it’s a victory, but the next time around, you’ve got to be more discerning with the women that you get involved with. And so if you haven’t read “How To Be A 3% Man,” or “Mastering Yourself” first, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, subscribe to the email newsletter and you can read them right in your web browser on your mobile device or your computer.

“It’s not your job to fix broken people. You’re only responsible for fixing and becoming the best version of yourself. You can’t have a healthy relationship based upon someone’s potential. You must see their present reality and date or reject them based upon how they are showing up now. When you condition your happiness upon being loved and treated the way you want to be but ignore the reality of how they actually treat you, you will suffer. See people as they are. Not better than they are or worse than they are. You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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