It’s Her Job To Get Noticed. It’s His Job To Make Dates Happen

Why women work to get noticed but men must make the dates happen.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who’s new to my work. He got dumped by his girlfriend of 11 months because he got weak, emotional and lost his masculine center. After 90 days of no-contact she started showing up in his life and messaging him. However, he dithered and hesitated and never made dates. When he finally tried she declined.

He wonders what to do now. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from viewer who’s new to my work. He’s 30 and his ex-girlfriend is 20. They were dating for about 11 months. He says he got dumped because he got weak, he got emotional, and he lost his masculine center, which is pretty common. A lot of guys have that issue. That’s usually why they end up coming to my work, starting to read the book. I think he said he’s been through the book one time. What’s interesting is like he has a daily routine where he walks, I guess he walks by the place where his ex-girlfriend worked, and after 90 days of no-contact, she kind of knew his routine and she would kind of come out, “accidentally” run into him. Eventually at some point, they start texting, she’s texting him memes and stuff like that.

So if you’ve been through 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and you’re in a similar situation, the reason why you go no-contact is because you want sex and romance and she doesn’t want to be with you anymore. Maybe she offers friendship or something like that, but you never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. You’re not going to sit around trying to change her mind because it takes two to tango. It takes two people who want to fix their relationship in order for it to be fixable. If the girl has lost attraction and respect for you, and she doesn’t want to be with you anymore, you’re not going to beg, grovel, and plead with her. You’re just going to move on with your life. You’re going to say, “Hey, well I don’t agree, but if you don’t want to make an effort, I’m not going to force you. So if you ever change your mind, hit me up. If I’m still single, we can go out on a date,” and then you ride off into the sunset and you never speak to her again.

Now, most women are not going to call you and go, “OK well, I had enough time away. Let’s get back together.” It doesn’t typically work like that. Usually what happens is they reach out, they’ll send you a meme, or they’ll call you. They’ll say, “Hey, what are you doing? How you been?” And that’s about as far as they’ll go. What they basically will do is they’ll put themselves into your orbit to get noticed so that you’ll make a date happen. So she started breaking no-contact, but he kind of acted like a statue. Often ignored her. Didn’t really do anything. After several months of this, he finally invites her for a date, then she declines. Now he’s wondering, and she’s still continuing to contact him. So he’s like, “What do I do?”

So I don’t think he’s been through 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back because at the end of the day, if she dumped you, she has to earn another chance with you. She screwed it up. She’s got to fix it. That’s why she has to travel to you. What you offer is a dinner date at your place. In other words, to make dinner together, not to make it so you can perform for her, so you can make dinner together because it facilitates physical interaction, touching chemistry obviously. Ultimately, the goal is to end with seduction. Women who are trying to keep you in friend zone, who are just looking for attention and validation, are going to try to get out of coming over for dinner. They’re going to try to get you to meet for coffee, lunch, or group dates with other mutual friends, that kind of thing. So if a woman accepts an evening date at your place to make dinner, sex and romance are on the table, so it prevents the woman from jerking you around and wasting your time. That way you know that she’s coming because there’s a chance for sex and romance. Again, a woman who’s trying to avoid that is not going to want to come to your place. She’s going to, again, try to get you to do platonic things. That’s why you have to stand your ground in these cases.

So when this woman started coming back, it looked like he tried to make a date, but you don’t go pick her up. You don’t meet her out. You don’t do those things. She has to come to you because she’s got to earn another chance with you. So if she comes over three dates in a row where she’s initiated contact, and you make dates, as long as you hang out, have fun, and hook up all three dates, then you can meet her out, pick her up, and go on normal dates after that if you’re so inclined. At least for the first three dates, you want to see that she’s willing to come to your place, you hook up all three times, and then you can start going on other dates, but you still got to let her do 100% of the reaching out. As the book says, if a woman’s reaching out, you assume that she wants to see you, so you make a date. So in this case, if a woman’s constantly showing up on your walking path because you got a routine, that’s about as far as she’s going to go to potentially reconnect. If you just keep acting like a statue like this guy did, and then eventually he worked up the nerve to ask her out, it looked like the moment had passed.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I’ve read 3% Man once and am beginning my second read-through on audio-book. Your principles have already shifted how I handle myself with women.

My ex 20 and I’m 30, and we live 20 minutes apart in South Florida, and we dated 11 months. She was amazing at first, but I got weak and emotional, lost my masculine center, and she lost attraction.

Well, that’s typically how it works. If you don’t act masculine, you act more feminine and girly, especially when you’re overly emotional, because masculinity is calm, you’re basically acting like a woman, and that’s going to ruin the sexual polarity, dry her up, turn her off, and she’s going to lose romantic interest in you and start feeling more platonic towards you.

She broke up with me over the phone.

So 11 months together and she does you in over the phone.

So, I went full 90-day no-contact and I walk to the beach twice a day and pass the store she manages every time. I always stayed on the opposite side of the street, kept my mission, never looked over or acknowledged her. After about 90 days, she started showing up “accidentally” right in my path. First on the morning walk, then evenings during her lunch break. 

“Hey, cutie. You miss me? You’ve been thinking about me?” That’s what I’d be saying to her if she’s doing that. “Come walk with me.” That’s what I would say. Then you can talk. You can. “Hey, how you been? What have you been up to?” Don’t say, “Let’s talk about our relationship.” No. Hang out, have fun, and hook up. She shows up, you have to assume that she likes you and is interested. So you’re just gonna treat her like everything’s just fine. “How you been? What have you been up to? How’s the family? How the parental units?” Etc. Then before you leave, say you’re walking back by the store and she’s going to head back in because her break’s over, lunch is over, or whatever, say, “We should get together for dinner. What’s your schedule like?” Let her tell you and say, “Great! How about 8:00, 7:00 my place Friday night?” Saturday night, Tuesday night, whatever happens to be, and invite her over to make dinner. She says, “Let’s go for coffee.” Just say, “No. It’s been a long week. Just in the mood to hang at my place. If you don’t want to come over and make dinner, then give me a call in a couple of weeks and maybe I’ll be up for meeting you out then.”

So again, all the objections you can possibly get from her when you try to make dinner plans at your house are handled in the article and video, 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. You can look it up on our website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Especially if you’re in a situation like this, I highly recommend you watch the video a few times and you go through the article several times. So when you get into a situation like this, especially as you’re walking down the street, you know you’re not able to go, “Hold on, honey. I got to check to see what 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says. You just said something. I remember it was an article. I got to see how I got to reply to that.” You can’t do that. So you got to know what’s in there. That’s why you should go through it multiple times so you understand the philosophy and how to handle any potential objections that she’s going to throw your way. He’s new, so I don’t know where in the process this started happening.

Under normal circumstances, that’s how you look at it. You look at it like, “Well, she’s breaking no-contact. She’s coming across the street to ‘accidentally’ run into me,” so obviously she’s interested in him. As the book says, your attitude should be like, “Well, all women want me.” Well, we know that’s not going to be true, but that should be your attitude. That should be your starting point, “Of course she likes me because I’m charming and I’m handsome. What girl wouldn’t like me?” That should be your attitude and your mindset towards yourself.

So if your ex starts showing up in your walks like, “Oh, she must miss my sexy body.” You could say things like that, be fun, and be playful because love is playful and fun after all. That completely lightens the mood. You’re not talking about serious relationship topics, because at the end of the day, none of that shit matters. Your job is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, have fun, and hook up. Doesn’t say hang out, have fun, go over the past, have a really unpleasant emotional conversation. It’s just live in the moment as if it’s like a brand new date and this is a girl you just met.

Create the opportunity for sex to happen because your job as a man is to be the appointment setter, but again, this is about as far as girls are going to go, is they’ll bump into you, they’ll call you, they’ll text you, but 99% of the time, they’re never going to ask you out. They won’t even bring it up. Typically, they hope you do that because in their mind, they’re afraid you may have moved on and met somebody else, and they don’t want to look like a fool asking you to get together when they’re the ones that dumped you. Yet now all of a sudden they want to go out on a date. So that’s typically as far as they’re going to go, which is exactly what she’s doing.

I ignored her completely every time. 

Well, that’s kind of dumb because you’re basically saying, “Stay away. I don’t want to talk to you,” because you go no-contact. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. You were interested in sex and romance. She was offering you blue balls and friendship, be her gay male girlfriend or emotional tampon, whatever happens to be, and you’re not interested in that. Again, when she starts showing up like that, it’s pretty obvious.

Then, one night she was parked outside my house (30 minutes from her place).  Eventually she tapped my shoulder while I was walking, we started talking, and reconnected. 

I would have said, “Hey, come on in for a glass of wine.”

She also admitted to “stalking me” essentially by the way, with the beach visits and showing up around my house. 

Yeah, that’s pretty obvious.

I was an idiot and thought we were “rebuilding.” We hung out every few days for seven weeks. 

Well, were you hanging out, having fun, and hooking up, or were you just hanging out, going for walks, and doing platonic things? Because if she runs into you, you should be making the date for her to come to your place to make dinner. Not just showing up, hanging out, going for walks in the beach, long walks on the beach like the whole dating profile meme. “I like long walks on the beach.”

So you’re not trying to be her friend, her pal, her therapist, or her gay male girlfriend. You’re interested in sex and romance. So if she’s showing up like that, make a date, then wish her well, and then have the date. Then when the signs are there she’s ready to be touched, kissed, and seduced as the book lays out, you make your move and you seduce her. It looks like he just continued to hang out with her and interact with her in a platonic way. Didn’t make a move. It’s like he was waiting for her to say, “OK, let’s be in a relationship again.”

So again, he’s new to my work, so I don’t know if he found me after all this happened or this was like during the process, but he clearly didn’t handle it the way 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back lays out. He just totally missed an opportunity. The more you hesitate, the more likely you will masturbate.

She did intimate things like, for example, she went to see a play in New York with her dad, and during the trip she sent me about 10 selfies of her and about four selfies of her wearing the sweatshirt I got her early in our relationship.

Again, that’s her way of trying to reconnect with you and say, “Hey, make a date, dummy. Seduce me, beat up my pelvis.”

Or another time I accidentally kicked sand in her eyes at the beach, and she asked me to kiss it, etc. Straight up just teasing me. At least, feels like it. 

So that tells me he didn’t do anything. It’s like he was waiting for permission to make a move. Zero confidence, zero initiative, zero directness, zero decisiveness. These are things that women need from us. So she’s showing up and you’re just sitting there. She asks you to kiss her and you go, “Oh, she’s teasing me.” It’s like a missed opportunity, bro.

And she’d text me 3–4 times a week (95% her), but I never asked her on a real date. 

Well, you’re not supposed to take her out on a date. You’re supposed to invite her over to make dinner at your place. So all this is going on, she’s making it obvious she’s interested, and he just kind of like a dog chasing its tail, spinning around in a circle.

But when her birthday came up (mid December, 2025), I finally asked her to dinner. She was camping with friends at the time, waited 30+ hours to respond, then hedged with a soft no and no offer of a different time. 

So she was probably on a camping trip, hanging out with Chad Thundercock getting her insides beat up because you never did anything for many months.

I gave a thumbs-up and went full no-contact again. Then about 15 days later, she texted me (And my mom, who she barely knows) a Christmas Santa GIF. I ignored. Then she sent a New Year’s dog picture and a “Happy New Year.” Ignored again. 

Again, I don’t teach to ignore. I don’t understand what you think you’re going to accomplish. She’s breaking no-contact and you’re ignoring. That’s the whole reason why you go no-contact, so she reaches out. Then it’s obviously her idea. If she says “Happy New Year,” “Hey, Happy New Year, cutie. We should get together for dinner. What’s your schedule like?” And then invite her over to make dinner at your place.

Now it’s January 20th, 2026 today, and she texted me for the first time since January 1st. I introduced her into Harry Potter, and she must have recently gone to Orlando for their Harry Potter rides. And today, she sent me four selfies of stuff from the amusement park. 

I hit her with, “Looks awesome. Enjoy! Gotta run, keep in touch.”

Could have had a V8, Elon.

I was surprised she replied to that text. She sent a selfie of her looking good, holding a dog and said, “Later.” I just gave it a thumbs up. 

So, in your opinion is she just playing with me?

Well, she’s trying to get your attention and it’s like sailing right over your head.

So I know you read the book. The book says it’s your job to create the opportunity for sex to happen. Obviously, in your situation, you’re trying to get your ex back. So you should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and making the date. If she’s reaching out, the book says you assume she wants to see you. You did claim you read it once, and now you’re on your second with the audio-book. So again, it’s like you’re going to pick up maybe 7% to 8% of the book each time you go through it.

So maybe that didn’t click for you, but at the end of the day, she’s making it really obvious, really easy. I’m sure by now some of the the viewers who’ve been following me for a while are going, “Jesus, dude, make a fucking move already!” She’s trying to get your attention and you’re just spinning in a circle like a dog chasing its tail without a clue of what to do.

I’m trying to move on with other women, but she stays in the back of my mind! Annoying. 

So the next time she reaches out, invite her over to make dinner at your place. Don’t agree to meet her out, or for coffee, or any of that, especially if there’s another guy in the picture. Now, she’ll probably try to get you to do that just to see if you’re still interested. So then you can be one of her beta male orbiters. Don’t fucking do that.

Plan: Stay silent until/if she sends real warmth (Miss you, emotional text, etc.).

No. Again, you’re the whole point of her breaking no-contact is you assume she wants to see you. That’s right out of the book, but for some reason you seem to think that you just ignore and act like a zombie and a statue.

Ask her out. If she says no, I never ask her again unless she asks me out, right? 

Thanks for any insight. Your work is gold.

Bob

So you’ve asked once. She said no. I’d say a big part of that is because you waited too long. More than likely, the reason why she waited 30 hours is probably there was a dude on the camping trip she was getting fucked by. That’s probably what was going on. That’s why she waited 30 hours, because at that point, you lost the initiative because you just didn’t recognize that she was doing what women typically do, which is not a lot, but she was still reaching out and putting herself into your orbit.

So next time she reaches out, assume the reason she’s reaching out is she wants to see you. So make a date at your place. “Hey, you! It’s good to hear from you. We should get together at my place and make dinner. What’s your schedule like?” And she says, “Oh, I don’t know. I’m not sure yet. I just want to see how you are.” It’s like, “Well, I’m doing great. I’m about to step into a meeting. I got an appointment I’m headed to, but figure out your schedule and get back to me.” Then when she gets back to you, she’s not going to say, “Hey, here’s my days I’m available.” She’ll go, “Heyyy,” in a couple of days or a week or so or whatever. Assume she checked her schedule and then go right into it and say, “Hey, you figure out in your availability? Hey, it’s good to hear from you. You figured out your schedule availability?” And if she goes, “Oh, I still don’t know. I’m unsure. I just want to check in.” I would be like, “Hey, no problem. Well, figure it out and get back to me.” Then leave the conversation again. Then after that, then don’t ever bring it up again.

Send two to three text replies max. If she’s texting you, “Hey, gotta run. Talk to you later.” If she calls, you talk for two or three minutes, “Hey, gotta run. Talk to you later.” If she shows up on your walks, she can walk with you, but don’t bring up getting together unless she brings it up first. You were missing opportunities for a long time, and it’s quite possible now that you just waited too long and she started dating and sleeping with somebody else.

I’d give it one more shot. When she reaches out first, try to make a date. Make dinner at your place. Don’t go pick her up. Don’t ask her to dinner. Dinner at your place and you make it together. You don’t make it for her. You make it together.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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