Ladies, Don’t Get Hurt! How To Tell If Your Man Is Trustworthy & Really Over His Ex

Jun 20, 2011 by Coach Corey Wayne
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It really sucks to get your heart broken in a relationship. Its happened to all men and women at some point. It especially sucks if you are a woman who has become involved with a recently divorced/separated/ or newly single guy where his ex still has feelings for him and is trying to win him back. Here’s how to tell if he is trustworthy & really over his ex.

I got an email recently from a woman who became involved with a guy who was recently single, but his ex-girlfriend still had feelings for him and wanted him back.

She was suspicious that things with her new boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend were not completely over. She was right and they took a breather.

They have since gotten back together and he has broken off all contact with his ex, or so he claims. Here’s her email with my comments (bolded inside brackets like this in the body of her email):

Hi Corey,

I wanted to get your opinion about a relationship that I am currently in. I met this guy last year through a friend of mine. At first nothing happened, but the more we all hung out as a group the more an attraction grew between him and I. We went out on a few dates back in October and he was like a guy i have never been with before. I could have fun and be myself around him and it seemed that he was really into me for me… not just sexually. The problem was I always felt like he was hiding something (women’s intuition). I knew he had just got out of a 2 yr on and off relationship earlier that year so I was kind of weary if he still had feelings for his ex even though he told me that he didn’t.

Sure enough, we took a breather. We didn’t really talk for a few months and we both started seeing other people. The whole time we were apart, I still thought about him and wondered what could have been.. According to him he thought the same things, but it was my suspicion about his feelings for his ex that were bothering me. Needless to say we started dating in January of this year and it has been one hell of a ride. I love him and he loves me (always make sure you pay attention to what he does. Not so much what he says). We’ve gotten pretty serious and have even talked about moving in together sometime next year. When we first started dating, his ex kept texting him and it bothered me because she clearly still had feelings for him and now that he was with someone else, the jealousy started kicking in. We had gotten into disagreements over her when finally after about 3 months he deleted her from Facebook, and said he wouldn’t answer her texts cause he doesn’t want to ruin what we have now (that was a good sign that he was choosing you over her). He tells me all the time that he doesn’t have feelings for her and that he never felt the way he feels about me with any girl he ever dated. He sees a future with me… and as much as i want to believe him a part of me is hesitant (its always good to listen to that voice inside and just look for any actions that might not match his words. Like President Reagan once famously said… “Trust… but verify”). He is a good man, gets along great with my family and friends (awesome!), and i love the person that he is, i just don’t want to get hurt (nobody does, however, progress always involves risk… you can’t steal 2nd base and still keep your foot on first base). I don’t want him to say certain things to me if he doesn’t feel that way or if he is still hung up on his ex (totally understandable and reasonable).

Any advice you can give me on this would be great.
thanks, Tina.

First off, I would invite you to download a copy of my eBook “How To Be A 3% Man” even though I wrote it for men and to speak to a man’s logical mind; because it has a lot of great relationship and communication wisdom you can use to bring you and him closer together and help you better understand how a man’s mind works. Just follow the access instructions on the right hand sidebar of any page of my website to access the eBook. Or you can download the Amazon.com Kindle version or Barnes and Noble Nook Book version for only 99 cents directly to your smartphone, iPad, laptop, PC or Mac.

When you and your boyfriend took that break, hopefully he spent the time with his ex that he needed, to become certain that moving on from his ex was the best thing. I applaud your ability and strength to walk away when you felt he could not be fully present with you.

Then when you got back together its obvious he came back with a lot more certainty (and desire) that being with you was right. Falling in love is so much fun!

Even after all time you have been together your intuition is still making you feel uneasy. It could only mean one of two things: 1) there is good reason for you to feel something is amiss… because it is… or 2) things are great, but you have doubts, insecurities or fears that you are not worthy or good enough for him.

Lets look at 1): Maybe he is not fully present or committed to you yet and that is what you are sensing. Maybe there’s another girl, or maybe deep down he is just unsure of your future together. We men tend to vacillate between our desire to be one with our woman and also to be free to explore and slay the dragons so to speak as we carry out our mission and purpose in life. You must allow your man the freedom and encouragement to go for his dreams in life. Over time with patience and as our lady gives us the freedom and allows us to slay the dragons, we naturally will start to miss her and come back to ravish her once again. Missing her less and less each time he is away. When she makes things so awesome for us, we naturally can’t get enough of her!

The number one most important thing to men in a relationship is loyalty. Besides meaning you don’t cheat and that you honor your commitments, it means that you back and support his dreams. You got his back. You encourage and are proud of how he chases his dreams. Just like the cheerleader cheers on her quarterback boyfriend in high school.

The whole point of every relationship is that you go there to give. You love, support and encourage his dreams and goals and he should do the same for you.

Maybe there is something he is not doing for you that deep down is very important to you to feel validated and loved. Have you read “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman? Its a great book to read. If he’s not doing something that is important in order for you to feel safe and secure in the relationship, then explain it to him in a way that his logical brain can understand. Give him step by step instructions of what you want him to do. If you try to hint or beat around the bush hoping he will figure it out… he won’t! Another woman would understand if you explain it to her, but men think logically. We need instructions just like a dog does… sit… lay down… roll over 🙂 Another good article I wrote that you may find useful is Rate Me Baby!

Now the other possibility is 2): For us men… if we are dating a woman who is needy, one who suffocates us with too much attention because she is trying to make up for her own feelings of inadequacy or insecurity… we will tend to pull away and lose interest because we fear the loss of our freedom and ability to carry out our mission or purpose in life.

I dated a woman who was needy and insecure once. No matter how much I communicated that I loved her, it was never enough to satisfy her. She felt intimidated by me and unsure of her ability to maintain my interest (even though she was a total 10… a GODDESS… she was hot!). Over time this wore on me until I became tired of constantly having to reassure her how much I loved and adored her. Eventually we broke up. Dating her was like dating someone who directly or indirectly is always communicating that deep down they don’t feel good enough to be with you.

We all want to date people who feel like they deserve to be with us and who love us unconditionally with all of our flaws and faults. If you contemplate your behavior and determine its just your own insecurities, fears and doubts that are bothering you, then you need to get over it.

Men do not like to constantly have their loyalty questioned. Like I said earlier, look at what he does, not what he says. If you are not finding any actions that are in-congruent with what he says, you have to trust him (but verify by always noticing his actions). He spent time and talked with his ex while you two had broken up. Now I know that you, as a woman and like every other woman on the planet, will always wonder or think about that time he went back to the ex when ever you have doubts about your relationship. However, the bottom line is, you weren’t together at the time. The only thing that matters is what he does now.

If you are not smothering him or doing anything to drive him away by being needy and insecure, then there must be something that you need to discuss with him that you have not. I don’t know your heart or whats inside. Only you can know that, but now you should have enough resources to figure out what’s gnawing at you on inside. The love that you withhold, is the pain that you carry.

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“Fear is the denial of the existence of the divine power that resides inside of you.”-Carnelian Sage

Published on June 20, 2011

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Hello,I was hoping you could help me with a problem.
    My bf and I had been dating for ayear and six months when I found out he was cheating on me with his high school crush whom he had been with 3months before my finding out.we broke up then,he said all manner of stuffs to me and kept choosing the girl over me.3weeks after our breakup,he came back begging to be a better man!saying he was sorry for all he said and did,I forgave him with no much efforts from him to get me back. Soon we started arguing and quarelling a lot over my constant act of reminding him of what he did,quarelled equally because of my distrust and insecurity.it got so bad that at a point,he started shutting me out,ignoring my calls when ever we quarelled and most times wouldn’t make any effort to settle the quarell or to appease me. Because of that act,I started feeling not valued, loved and cared for. We talked about his attitude of shutting me out and he promised to change as well as I stop my constantly reminding him of his cheating. Last month he told me he had met his ex(the girl he cheated on me with) at a party and made no mention of texting her.I felt something wasn’t right so I found out from the girl that he had texted her thus;”hey wassup?nice meeting you again,how come you look the same?why couldn’t you look me in the eye back at the party?scared of digging up old feelings?”. I didn’t want him to know that I knew he had texted he on fb,so I kept calm.soon I started suspecting him much again,because most times his calls would be on call waiting for a long while and few times he wouldn’t return my calls he gave the excuse that he didn’t have a credit voucher to call with.it got to a day that he snapped and yelled at me,so I broke up with him.but we finally got back when he begged and explained why it happened. A week after the breakup he broke up with me over the fact that I later told him about my having knowledge that he texted his ex.he snapped and asked me how I got the information.that he had nothing to do with the girl,apart from checking up on her.I believed him instantly but then he broke up with me for doubting him in the first place and for refusing to tell him whom my informant was.I begged and cried and all,but he asked me to move on.that for 10months he kept making and trying to bring me to trust him but I couldn’t,that I kept making him feel not good enough,that the relationship has taken its cause and there was nothing left anymore.that we should stop trying to patch things up and just move on.that he had equally lost passion and emotions towards the relationship. Now I want to trust him better,I want him back and don’t just know what to dod.his mind seems made up but I don’t care,I’ve been texting and calling him with no replies from him.I’m loosing it,I feel like a wrecking ball.please what can you do to help me win him back.I need your advice and help.thank you.

  2. You made so much since I met my other part of my heart he has been in an empty relationship for 16 years they have not been having sex for 3 years they both verified that , he told me he lives me , but he needed to sit and finalize there goodbyes and sell their house , she wants him back he told her on the phone in front on me he wants me , but he feels bad that she will be hurt he tested me he loves me but needs time to clear his head , we are perfect together what shall I think ?

  3. Me and my husband love each but he has a past that hurts I think that he is still cheating me what do do

  4. My husband’s ex keeps trying to contact him.They’ve been over for two years and she still goes after him. Late calls has even contacted me lying about him in hopes to have me end things with him. He’s shown me all the texts she’s sent him. He’s even blocked her on Facebook and game apps. She uses other peoples phones to contact him. My fear is she’s psychotic and will resort to violence.

  5. Hi my partner still has his ex mobile number on his phone I asked him why and he said she’s just a friend he then told me that he still has feelings for her what should I do

  6. Hey Corey
    I need your opinion.I know this is crazy but I’m dating this guy right now .Him and I are committed but I always feel like his ex is trying to contact him.I saw a txt between them and they were just messaging back and fourth! I know I shouldn’t have look through his phone .But,it kinda happened when I saw that she texted .What do I do?

  7. I need your help more than anyone else please.
    I am now with my boyfriend for 9months. I have never been serious with me or ever lasted a month or two with men. When we met we were already having arguments which was completely wierd. When his ex girlfriend found out about me they started texting and they both claimed each other as friends. Now they were talking for 3months last year but now they have stopped for about 5months now. He was with his ex for 4 years and on the 4th year she cheated on him. I could tell he wasnt over her for a couple of months. He has introduced me to his family and friends. They actually really like me compared to the other one as she has caused many problems. He also loves my friends and family too. But to be honest he treats me right at times, takes me out we have good times. But at times he can get very bad. We have argued so much all the time, he says things which are really hurtful. We recently broke up but he couldnt resist losing me. He planned a day where his family invited me out and they did not tell me that he was coming along. In the car he was putting on love songs with indirect messages to me. When we finally spoke he apologised. My cousin said some things to him that gave him a wake up call. He explained that he was insecure and he has little doubts because of what his ex did to him. My cousin told him that im not his ex girlfriend i am me who is nothing like her and everything he ever wanted in a girl. She asked him what if your girlfriend wakes up one day and gives up? My boyfriend was in tears and i was shocked. As ive never seen him cry and he has a very high ego and is so proud. but im wondering if is his ex is still in his head. Even though him and his family have said how i have everything he wanted in a girl.

  8. My boyfriend will have his divorce finalized in under two weeks. When i have asked about him keeping contact with his ex, he tells me he will only reply to valid and appropriate texts. I don’t want her to text him at all! they have no kids together and she is the one that left. he is a naturally nice guy, he would give the shirt off his back to someone in need. in the past 6 months she has attacked me threw texts,texts that i have no voice in ( he didn’t want her to get mad and cause more issues with the divorce) is it me that needs to be ok with this, or how do i communicate that i am not OK with further contact from her after two weeks? he has told me that when it is finalized, i am allowed to say whatever. But it shouldn’t come from me, why didn’t he defend me as his girlfriend?

  9. My boyfriend’s ex wife is still in love with me, despite the fact that she is the one who initiated the divorce atleast 5 years ago. She said she never wanted a divorce, she just wanted a ‘better husband’ odd, now she has no husband. She pays good money to people to follow me around to see if I’m still dealing with him and to do extensive research me, looking for any way to make me look bad. Even involving my family members who have nothing to do with this. Sounds like I was right from the jump, she is obsessed with EX husband. She claimed she ‘moved on’ and has new boyfriend. Her ‘new boyfriend’ looks constipated and very uncomfortable in all their pics together, she always posts pics of him, but he never posts any of her. Hmm… she is more than likely paying him to do this, it looks very staged. I bet she is trying to convince everyone she moved on but her words and actions dont add up. I made a huge mistake getting involved with a man with so much baggage, no man is worth this unnecessary drama. I heard many people say you never get over someone that you share a child with, that explains it I guess. Smh.

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