I got an email recently from a woman who became involved with a guy who was recently single, but his ex-girlfriend still had feelings for him and wanted him back.
She was suspicious that things with her new boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend were not completely over. She was right and they took a breather.
They have since gotten back together and he has broken off all contact with his ex, or so he claims. Here’s her email with my comments (bolded inside brackets like this in the body of her email):
I wanted to get your opinion about a relationship that I am currently in. I met this guy last year through a friend of mine. At first nothing happened, but the more we all hung out as a group the more an attraction grew between him and I. We went out on a few dates back in October and he was like a guy i have never been with before. I could have fun and be myself around him and it seemed that he was really into me for me… not just sexually. The problem was I always felt like he was hiding something (women’s intuition). I knew he had just got out of a 2 yr on and off relationship earlier that year so I was kind of weary if he still had feelings for his ex even though he told me that he didn’t.
Sure enough, we took a breather. We didn’t really talk for a few months and we both started seeing other people. The whole time we were apart, I still thought about him and wondered what could have been.. According to him he thought the same things, but it was my suspicion about his feelings for his ex that were bothering me. Needless to say we started dating in January of this year and it has been one hell of a ride. I love him and he loves me (always make sure you pay attention to what he does. Not so much what he says). We’ve gotten pretty serious and have even talked about moving in together sometime next year. When we first started dating, his ex kept texting him and it bothered me because she clearly still had feelings for him and now that he was with someone else, the jealousy started kicking in. We had gotten into disagreements over her when finally after about 3 months he deleted her from facebook, and said he wouldn’t answer her texts cause he doesn’t want to ruin what we have now (that was a good sign that he was choosing you over her). He tells me all the time that he doesn’t have feelings for her and that he never felt the way he feels about me with any girl he ever dated. He sees a future with me… and as much as i want to believe him a part of me is hesitant (its always good to listen to that voice inside and just look for any actions that might not match his words. Like President Reagan once famously said… “Trust… but verify”). He is a good man, gets along great with my family and friends (awesome!), and i love the person that he is, i just don’t want to get hurt (nobody does, however, progress always involves risk… you can’t steal 2nd base and still keep your foot on first base). I don’t want him to say certain things to me if he doesn’t feel that way or if he is still hung up on his ex (totally understandable and reasonable).
Any advice you can give me on this would be great.
First off, I would invite you to download a copy of my eBook “How To Be A 3% Man” even though I wrote it for men and to speak to a man’s logical mind; because it has a lot of great relationship and communication wisdom you can use to bring you and him closer together and help you better understand how a man’s mind works. Just follow the access instructions on the right hand sidebar of any page of my website to access the eBook. Or you can download the Amazon.com Kindle version or Barnes and Noble Nook Book version for only 99 cents directly to your smartphone, iPad, laptop, PC or Mac.
When you and your boyfriend took that break, hopefully he spent the time with his ex that he needed, to become certain that moving on from his ex was the best thing. I applaud your ability and strength to walk away when you felt he could not be fully present with you.
Then when you got back together its obvious he came back with a lot more certainty (and desire) that being with you was right. Falling in love is so much fun!
Even after all time you have been together your intuition is still making you feel uneasy. It could only mean one of two things: 1) there is good reason for you to feel something is amiss… because it is… or 2) things are great, but you have doubts, insecurities or fears that you are not worthy or good enough for him.
Lets look at 1): Maybe he is not fully present or committed to you yet and that is what you are sensing. Maybe there’s another girl, or maybe deep down he is just unsure of your future together. We men tend to vacillate between our desire to be one with our woman and also to be free to explore and slay the dragons so to speak as we carry out our mission and purpose in life. You must allow your man the freedom and encouragement to go for his dreams in life. Over time with patience and as our lady gives us the freedom and allows us to slay the dragons, we naturally will start to miss her and come back to ravish her once again. Missing her less and less each time he is away. When she makes things so awesome for us, we naturally can’t get enough of her!
The number one most important thing to men in a relationship is loyalty. Besides meaning you don’t cheat and that you honor your commitments, it means that you back and support his dreams. You got his back. You encourage and are proud of how he chases his dreams. Just like the cheerleader cheers on her quarterback boyfriend in high school.
The whole point of every relationship is that you go there to give. You love, support and encourage his dreams and goals and he should do the same for you.
Maybe there is something he is not doing for you that deep down is very important to you to feel validated and loved. Have you read “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman? Its a great book to read. If he’s not doing something that is important in order for you to feel safe and secure in the relationship, then explain it to him in a way that his logical brain can understand. Give him step by step instructions of what you want him to do. If you try to hint or beat around the bush hoping he will figure it out… he won’t! Another woman would understand if you explain it to her, but men think logically. We need instructions just like a dog does… sit… lay down… roll over 🙂 Another good article I wrote that you may find useful is Rate Me Baby!
Now the other possibility is 2): For us men… if we are dating a woman who is needy, one who suffocates us with too much attention because she is trying to make up for her own feelings of inadequacy or insecurity… we will tend to pull away and lose interest because we fear the loss of our freedom and ability to carry out our mission or purpose in life.
I dated a woman who was needy and insecure once. No matter how much I communicated that I loved her, it was never enough to satisfy her. She felt intimidated by me and unsure of her ability to maintain my interest (even though she was a total 10… a GODDESS… she was hot!). Over time this wore on me until I became tired of constantly having to reassure her how much I loved and adored her. Eventually we broke up. Dating her was like dating someone who directly or indirectly is always communicating that deep down they don’t feel good enough to be with you.
We all want to date people who feel like they deserve to be with us and who love us unconditionally with all of our flaws and faults. If you contemplate your behavior and determine its just your own insecurities, fears and doubts that are bothering you, then you need to get over it.
Men do not like to constantly have their loyalty questioned. Like I said earlier, look at what he does, not what he says. If you are not finding any actions that are in-congruent with what he says, you have to trust him (but verify by always noticing his actions). He spent time and talked with his ex while you two had broken up. Now I know that you, as a woman and like every other woman on the planet, will always wonder or think about that time he went back to the ex when ever you have doubts about your relationship. However, the bottom line is, you weren’t together at the time. The only thing that matters is what he does now.
If you are not smothering him or doing anything to drive him away by being needy and insecure, then there must be something that you need to discuss with him that you have not. I don’t know your heart or whats inside. Only you can know that, but now you should have enough resources to figure out what’s gnawing at you on inside. The love that you withhold, is the pain that you carry.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Fear is the denial of the existence of the divine power that resides inside of you.”-Carnelian Sage