How to determine if it’s time to leave an unhealthy relationship with dignity, or if you should stay and fight, giving it one more chance to work. How to know if you’ve given an unhealthy relationship enough effort and energy to make it work, before you decide to end it and move on with your life.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer for whom I previously answered an email in a video newsletter titled, “Always Be Positive, Playful & Charming.” It’s amazing to see her progress over the past year, where she was originally very unsure of herself, insecure, and over pursuing this guy who seemed to be more interested in hanging out, having fun and hooking up with as many women as possible.
Now that she has completely gained her center and has successfully been applying what I teach, he became her boyfriend and got rid of all the other women in his life. The power has completely shifted to her at this point, and she can see this guy for what he really is. He’s insecure, controlling, jealous, needy and a lousy communicator. She has grown and become a much better version of herself during her time with him, and he hasn’t progressed at all. She asks me what I think about her relationship since she is considering dumping him or potentially giving him one more chance, even though nothing has gotten any better with him.
I’m writing to you again for some male insight. You have previously answered my emails in the videos “Always Be Positive, Playful & Charming.” Long story short, I ended up with this guy, and as soon as I was ready to walk away, he decided to drop all of his games, women and commit to us. (The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. That means they will never hear from you again.) We made it official and since then, a lot of things have changed. This man — not only is he extremely jealous, but also insecure. I understand that I am an attractive, popular, strong, confident woman, and I feel this is his reason to be what he likes to call “OVERPROTECTIVE,” which to me translates as controlling. He throws tantrums, accuses me, and attacks me because he is insecure. (He’s projecting his own self-hatred, self-loathing and all of his insecurities and doubts onto you. It’s important to be strong and willing to walk away from people who don’t treat you the way you would like to be treated.) For example, on the night of his birthday, I planned a surprise dinner with his closest friends, and we went out for drinks after dinner. I had two of my girlfriends meet us there. When I got there, I went to the bathroom to look for them, but they happened to be at another bathroom, so I walked towards the bathroom leaving him behind at the bar. Instead of entering the bathroom, I sat outside of it waiting for my girlfriends to come out. One of his friends saw me sitting and asked, “Have you found the girls?” When he asked, I immediately got a text from one of the girls that they were standing next to my boyfriend at the bar so I answered to his friend “Oh, they just texted they are by the bar.” He turned to look and said, “There they are,” so I got up and followed. According to my boyfriend, I initially left behind his friend, got lost for 15 minutes and came back with him, and that I must have gone to do something with him, so we got into a huge argument. He left the place and left me there. I was surprised that he would question my character in such way. (It’s not you. It’s definitely him. You have the power in this relationship, and now you see the weak bitch that he is.) I walked to his place, he lived across the street, and we argued. I was ready to end it.
Lately he’s had many things in his life changing, from his daughters moving from another state and him taking care of them full-time, financial issues, losing some friends to drugs, etc., so he’s been stressed out. He tends to be very short fused and looks for the stupidest reasons to argue with me. I try to calm things down, ask for communication, and always try to fix things, but end up feeling guilty for his OWN insecurities over things I’ve never done or will ever do. I went from spending weekends with him, to seeing him twice in over two weeks because all he does is argue with me, and I ran out of ways to approach him. (Don’t chase after anybody who treats you like shit.) I tell him he has terrible communication skills and he is extremely stubborn. (This will cause a man to withdraw. A better way to phrase this would be, “I like it when you’re calm, you talk things out, and we communicate in a loving manner.”) I ask for a call, for us to meet and talk, but he completely ignores me. (You are chasing someone who disrespects you and enabling his bad behavior. Never give people permission to continue to mistreat you.) I asked him last Thursday if we could go to see a DJ who is going to be in town, and that I would get tickets for us to go, and he said yes. I asked him two days later if we were still on for Friday, and he replied saying he honestly didn’t want to go. (You shouldn’t be confirming dates because that means you aren’t worthy of somebody keeping your date. Have some self respect.) I told him I really wanted him to come and didn’t want the tickets to go to waste, but if he wanted I could ask one of my girlfriends to come with me. He replied with “You’ve been wanting to go, so go do you.” We made plans last Saturday, and due to snow we weren’t able to meet, so I posted this on my Facebook, “ Waited all week for the weekend, to stay home. SMH,” and he attacked me saying I was looking for plans on Facebook. I was honestly referring to the snow and he said I was full of shit. I DON’T need Facebook to make plans, especially knowing how he misinterprets everything I say. I don’t like causing unnecessary problems. I tried texting him asking him to talk, to fix things, to communicate, telling him that I loved him, and I wanted things to work out between us. I told him to think about what he wanted to do with our relationship and to get back to me. Then he replied with, “Goodnight.” It’s been three days, and I haven’t heard anything. What should I do? (Nothing. You wait to hear from him. If he calls you and he’s still a total asshole, let him know your life is a drama-free zone and he needs to communicate in a healthy way or you are done with him. Do not tolerate abuse. No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do, and you’re constantly inviting this guy to treat you this way.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you. Every person and life circumstance that comes into your life is there to help you grow and become a better version of yourself. In life, sometimes you’re going to grow at a much faster rate than those you are in relationship with, and eventually outgrow those relationships to the point where those people aren’t in your life anymore. You also will encounter people who learn and grow much quicker than you do and therefore, they may outgrow and leave you. The worst thing you can do in any relationship is to try and change someone or mold them into what you think they should be. Love people for who they are, and send them feelings of love even if you have to leave them behind. Long-term relationships of all kinds will only thrive and survive if both people are continually growing, finding value in the relationship, communicating and becoming better together over time.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne