Is giving a woman you are dating the freedom to sleep around equal to being respected?
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who obviously believes that a man has the right to possess and control the sex life of women he is casually dating. He is confusing the vetting process of casual dating and hooking up with a commitment of an exclusive relationship.
The nature of casual dating is like test-driving a car to determine if you want to purchase it long term. You don’t buy new cars sight unseen and then hope it works out later, but many clueless people do exactly that with the people they choose to spend their life with. The vetting process during dating is to determine if your prospect even qualifies for consideration as a long-term partner. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I’ve got an email from a guy who writes in about a woman that he’s casually dating, and it doesn’t sound like he really understands the concept of how and why you’re supposed to love somebody in such a way that they feel free. It’s obvious after going through his email that he feels that if he’s casually dating a woman, she should only be dating and sleeping with him, while it’s okay if he goes out and dates and sleeps with other women.
And so, this is a tough concept for a lot of people to get, and I get a lot of grief about it. It’s the difference that makes the difference in the 3% man, because the idea is that you want somebody to be with you because they really want to be with you, not because you controlled them, or forced them, or twisted their arm or guilted them into being with you. It’s kind of having the vibe and the attitude of, “I dare you to find somebody better. I dare you to find a guy for you that’s better than me. Good luck with that. Let me know how it turns out.” You’re not going to say that, but that’s the attitude that you want to have.
If you see yourself as a prize, then you want a woman to see you as a prize. And vice versa, you’d like to see her as a great prize — somebody that’s very rare, very special, doesn’t come along every day. Because the reality is, really great friends, they hardly ever come along. It’s the same thing when it comes to great lovers and great relationships.
Great people are really hard to come by, and it can be frustrating waiting in between relationships to meet that kind of person, because you’ve got all the people around you, most everybody has settled. And then when you’re not doing the same thing that they’re doing, they’re going to try to get you to settle just like they did, so it validates their life choice. So, the important thing is to live and speak your own truth and do what’s right for you, despite what the haters and the doubters and the busybodies who think they know better how to run your life than you do say.
Too many guys are concerned with making a particular woman theirs, instead of asking the question like women do, which is, “Is this person good for me? Do I like them? Do I like listening to them? Do I like being around them? Are they good for me, good to me, good for my soul?” Most people aren’t thinking about that. They’re just thinking, “I hope they like me. I hope they pick me. What can I do to get them to pick me?” which is a weak place to go to come from.
I’ve got a potential video topic for you that I think you’ll find interesting. It’s a variation on a topic you’ve covered already. I can see how not asking for exclusivity comes across as a guy not being threatened by other guys and displaying confidence.
Well, it’s also feminine to do that. It’s feminine energy, bonding, connecting, opening up to receive love, relationships, commitments. These are all the domain of feminine energy. It has no place in masculine energy. Masculine energy is purpose, drive, mission, succeeding, accomplishing, breaking through barriers. And as I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” the man’s job in the courtship is just simply to create the next opportunity for sex to happen — to hang out, to have fun and hook up.
Because all great love affairs start as casual love affairs. You don’t meet somebody and then you’re married the next day. I mean, I know there are some countries where that does happen when you have arranged marriages, but we’re talking about here in the West where people have to vet each other, where people have to carefully get to know one another before they make the big commitment.
But unfortunately, most people really don’t put that much effort into who they choose. They’re just happy to find somebody that actually wants to be with them and stay with them, even if they’re not really deeply in love. A lot of women marry guys they’re not even in love with. They’re just going along with it, because the guy is projecting his interest and is ignoring the fact that she’s just not into him.
It’s sad when you meet people like this, when you can tell the woman is just not happy and he has no clue. And then when the woman ups and leaves, because she was never in love with him in the first place, he’s devastated and had no idea. And that’s a tragedy. Why would you want to be with somebody who’s not really into you? I mean, that’s just demeaning to yourself.
But a lot of people do it, because people on both sides, men and women, are weak to the point where they just simply won’t live and speak their truth, and they’ll go along with something just because that’s what everybody tells them to do. I mean, I wrote abut this. This was my experience when I was younger as well. I did what everybody told me I should do, instead of what felt right for me.
On the flip side, I can see it being interpreted as a guy being so desperate and needy for sex that he’s willing to settle for getting at least some attention and sex sometimes rather than none at all.
Well, if you actually read the book and followed the fundamentals, you wouldn’t be thinking this way. This is what happens when people cherry-pick. They’re looking for techniques or strategies, the quick, easy fix, the laziest way to success. And you might get some attainable success, but it’s not going to be sustainable.
Obviously, the vibe he gives off in person makes all the difference here. Sometimes I don’t see how being okay with a lover not prioritizing you and sometimes disappearing for days to let other guys bang her can possibly cause a guy to be seen as someone who respects himself.
Well, she’s not yours, dude. That’s not your girl. We’re not talking about girlfriends or wives here. We’re talking about a woman that you’re just kind of casually dating, trying to vet, try to determine whether or not she’s good for you. But just your statement and the way you’ve worded it, you’re upset that she hasn’t chosen you. That tells me that you’ve already decided that you want this woman to be your girlfriend.
I see this all the time. Dudes try to turn hoes into housewives, and it just never works out good. But guys aren’t going to listen. They’re going to keep going around, White Knighting, Captain Save-a-Hoe, “I’m going to fix this girl. I’m going to save her. I’m going to pay off her student debt. I going to solve all of her financial problems from her horrible ex. And I’m going to buy her a house, I’m going to buy her a car, and do all these things to fix her problems, and she better love me exclusively and want to only be with me.” It’s like, that’s the wrong mindset, dude.
This kind of mindset, the way you’re thinking, you’re going to make a bad mistake. You’re going to end up with somebody who’s going to screw you over, and then you’re going to end up in the toxic part of the red pill community crying about how all women are horrible, because you were too fucking lazy to learn how to properly vet your women. And so, you don’t do stupid shit like trying to turn hoes into housewives and then writing books, crying about it and how horrible single women moms are.
If a woman were this way toward me, I would think she’s so lonely and desperate that she’s willing to settle for table scraps from someone who doesn’t prioritize her as #1 and sleeps around.
Well, obviously, if she’s dating you and she’s dating other guys, and she’s not making you a priority, well, what does that tell you about her interest in you? She’s not that into you, bro. But yet you feel entitled for her to want to be exclusive with you. You’ve got to give women the chance to choose you, because otherwise you’re trying to force things. If you try to force a woman into your life, you try to force her to be your girlfriend before she’s ready, you’re going to get stuck in friend zone, you’re going to get ghosted or she’ll just outright reject you. It’s not a successful strategy.
You’re trying to go from being the way you were and then halfway into the way you were learning to be with me and hold on all these unhealthy attachments. It’s just simply not going to work. So, at the end of the day, it’s like you shouldn’t be worried about making a woman want to be exclusive with you. She should be trying to get you to be exclusive with her, and you should be the skeptical one. But instead, you’ve already made up your mind. “Oh, if I’m dating her, well, she must be with me and only me.”
Wouldn’t you feel better if there were ten dudes that she was talking to, but you were the guy that she chose and she blew all those other dudes off? I mean, everybody is somebody else’s leftovers. You know, this idea that you’re going to find the perfect virgin that’s been untouched, and then you guys are going to live together forever, that’s a Hollywood fantasy. And you can keep believing in that if you want, but human beings are messy. Everybody’s got flaws, faults, idiosyncrasies, things that are fucked up. These are all things you have to discover before you determine whether or not you want to be exclusive with somebody.
And if you’re sleeping with a woman who’s sleeping with other guys, well, you obviously should wear a raincoat. Women who are more selective aren’t going to be banging ten other dudes at the same time, because they’re going to know, just like I talk about all the time, that you’re not going to click and jive with most people. So why would you want to mix your DNA soup with a feral human?
I would only respect her if she gave me an ultimatum that I either am dating her only or she’s walking away.
Again, you’ve got to date somebody for seven or eight weeks, if you do everything right that’s in the book, when a woman will be in love with you and want to be exclusive with you. You’re still butt hurt and worried about other men. You feel intimidated by other men. You feel worried that some other guy is going to come along and steal your girl. That kind of mindset is a beta male mindset. It’s not an alpha male mindset that sees himself as a prize and wants the best woman to earn him. You want somebody who’s going to make a mutual effort.
I genuinely cannot wrap my head around this, but I want to understand. It sounds self-disrespecting to accept that she’s going to be out sleeping around.
It’s not your girlfriend, dude. You have absolutely zero right to make any kind of demands. If you don’t like how she’s living her life, guess what? Delete her from your dating pool of prospects. It’s not complicated.
And you have to not care that you’re just one of many on the list, a dime a dozen.
Well, obviously, it doesn’t sound like you think you’re really worthy to become her priority, and you don’t think like you’re a guy that not only deserves to be there, but could become her priority. Again, this is more weak ass thinking that’s not going to serve you.
I get that the psychology of it is displaying masculine strength by not being jealous and being so busy on your purpose that you’re happy to be stopping in at a pit stop for sex every so often without being attached emotionally.
Again, you’re assuming that all women are perfect, and they are not. A handful of them are good quality for the type of relationship that you’re looking for. And the rest, quite frankly, they belong to the streets. It’s just the way it is. Casually date. Don’t try to turn a hoe into a housewife. Don’t be Captain Save-a-Hoe thinking you’re going to fix her or save her or be some kind of White Knight. It’s going to end badly for you.
But again, I can see it perceived as not believing you’re worth being her #1 priority and accepting less than being able to be in her bed every night.
Well, what about her being your number one priority? Does she deserve it? That tells me you’re still putting girls on a pedestal, and you’re upset that they’re not making you a priority. Well, again, you’re projecting your high interest onto women that obviously aren’t that into you, and you’re butt hurt and upset that they’re not choosing you. You’re never going to be successful with that kind of a mindset.
To pull this off in a way that appears confident would require her to believe that he’s also getting sex elsewhere in the meantime, which is difficult to pull off for someone living in a very small town.
There it is. There is the whole issue. “I’ve got no choices, I’ve got no options, Corey. I found one girl and she’s dating three or four other dudes, and Chad Thunder Cock is reaming her out on a nightly, daily basis,” and you’re upset about that. You need more prospects. If you can’t get on dating sites, maybe you should move to a bigger town or get a small studio apartment in the city somewhere where you have more prospects.
You’ve got to do something to get better, because I could tell the whole way reading this email, you’re in a scarcity poverty mindset. “Women are a scarce resource. Nobody likes me. I’m a worthless piece of shit. No girl will choose me. Girls always go for the other guys, not me.” And the problem is that you’re trying to date women that aren’t that into you.
And it sounds like you definitely need to improve your social life, so you can create some more prospects. Because if you have multiple prospects, then you’re like the beautiful woman. You have the same problems as a beautiful woman does. “How do I determine who’s good for me, good to me and good for my soul?” Well, you have to vet them. There is a vetting process.
Whether you’re hiring an employee for your company, whether it’s friends, or especially if it’s somebody that you’re thinking about having a relationship or potentially starting a family with, you’ve got to vet them. You can’t just go through life and just get caught up in your emotions and go, “Oh, it’ll just be great. It’ll turn out wonderful.” A lot of guys do this and they don’t take time to vet the women that they’re dating, and they try to turn a hoe into a housewife. And then they’re upset that it turns out badly. They’re upset that she cheats on them, just like she cheated on all of her previous boyfriends, or even husbands for that matter.
You have to learn these things. You have to ask these questions when you’re dating. You’ve got to keep your wits about you. You’ve got to exercise emotional self-control, and just because she’s got a pretty face and it seems like you click doesn’t mean that you should be getting married next week or moving in in a couple of weeks after you meet. You’ve got to take your time.
The turtle is my spirit animal. And it’s always best when it comes to everything in life to have the mindset and move like a turtle moves. Like Rumi said, “Slow and steady, like the river that never grows stale. No hurry. No rush.” Why? Because haste makes waste. When you’re in a rush to lock somebody down, you’re going to make an epic mistake that’s going to take a long time to get over.
So if you have a problem, a question or a challenge in your personal or professional life and you’d like to get my help, go and UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab on top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“Love is freedom. Love is about giving. It is not possessing or controlling the other person. It’s loving them in such a way that they still feel free to choose you or someone else. Real love is loving someone so much that you want them to be happy, even if it’s not with you. Most average people are only capable of loving with conditions, unhealthy attachments and their love is usually like horse-trading. Real love seeks to meet each other’s needs, wants and desires together as a team. To help each other grow and become more. Supreme confidence in yourself enables you to love in an unattached way to the point that you’d rather the other person choose someone else than choose you, unless they’re 100% certain that you are the only one they want. Highly evolved people know that it’s demeaning to oneself to be with someone whose heart is not fully into it.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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