Lies, Several White Lies & More Lies

What you should do when your girl lies, you catch her lying, and she continues lying after saying she won’t do it again.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has read 3% Man over 10 times. His girlfriend of 9 months moved with him to another state and they moved in together. However, he has caught her in several white lies about little things. He confronted her about it, she promised to not do it again, and yet he continues to catch her lying about stupid things that shouldn’t matter. She said this was common in her family, to hide what she was up to from her parents growing up.

Integrity and trust are really important to him, and he asks how she should handle her continued lying. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Love cannot exist where there is no trust. If you can’t trust what the other person is telling you is the truth, you can’t have a good, healthy, normal relationship based on integrity, trust, and honesty. The reality is, if somebody is lying about little things, they’re they’re probably lying about the big things. And the question is, what are those? What lies are they lying about and getting away with that you don’t know about? This is not how you want to go through life in a relationship, because you’ll be sleeping with one eye open the rest of your life.

If a woman loves you, and respects you, and she has integrity, and she values you, and she doesn’t want to lose you, she will change her behavior for you. She will submit to you, like it says in the Bible. But with a woman who doesn’t have any integrity, you set healthy boundaries like this guy’s done. In this case, he’s set healthy boundaries, and she continues to violate them. And at some point, you have to enforce those boundaries and let her know that if her behavior continues, at some point you’re going be like, “I’ve given you multiple chances, and lying is just obviously part of your nature. You’re not willing to do anything about it, and I can’t be in a relationship with somebody that’s a liar. It just doesn’t work for me.”

He’s fast approaching a situation where he’s going to have to enforce a healthy boundary. And she might not be capable of turning things around. She might not be capable of being honest, and that’s on her. But as a man, you’ve got to set and enforce healthy boundaries. And when you come across people that have low integrity, you give those people the benefit of the doubt. You give them the opportunity to redeem themselves and change their behavior.

People that are redeemable and that will change their behavior are worth keeping around. And those that won’t, they’re going to have to go on down the road. And the only thing that’s going to correct their behavior is when they run into enough people with integrity that they’re not able to get away with that behavior. But for some people that’ll just be a way of life. Liars lie, and liars are attracted to other liars. And if somebody is unwilling to change their behavior, that’s not your fault. It’s something their family screwed them up with. So, you can’t take any ownership of that. But you have to recognize things as they are and not just sweep it under the rug and hope it gets better.

Viewer’s Email:

Hello Coach, 

I am a big fan of your material. In the past, I read and listened to 3% Man at least 10-15 times, and as a result was able to secure a relationship with a lovely woman that I have been dating now for approximately 9 months. 

Funny enough, things moved very quickly, and I had the opportunity of a lifetime come up and had to relocate from my home state of North Carolina to Colorado. I am working as a music director and MTB, ski, rock climbing coach at a ritzy private school and am provided with housing, food and a comfortable salary. The benefits, (housing and food), are also available to my partner. 

Pretty cool. You live in Colorado, you get to ski. I get it. Great lifestyle. Why not?

Things moved quickly in my relationship, and as a result, my girlfriend moved across the country with me. Things have been going so well. We have a great time together, and she is a good communicator and an all-around good woman.

Well, that’s kind of in doubt, obviously.

We hang out, have fun and hook up. She has had some trauma, (sexual and physical), in her past, which I believe is now playing out and sabotaging our relationship. In the past, there was a scenario in which she faked an orgasm with me and fessed up to it right after.

Yeah, that’s a major party foul. You don’t want to be with a girl who’s faking an orgasm. It’s like, come on.

When this happened, I didn’t lose my cool but explained how it made me feel, how dishonesty in our relationship is wrong, and that I forgive her but would appreciate it if she did not lie to me in the future.

Well, you want to phrase that to her when something like this happens like, “I’m willing to forgive you, but this can’t happen again. That’s just not cool. I don’t want to be with somebody who’s going to be dishonest about something simple, like an orgasm. It’s like, come on, we’re here to meet each other’s needs and you’re faking enjoying an orgasm. How is that going to help me help you meet your needs? That’s just immature. That’s ratchet behavior, and I don’t want to be with a ratchet. That’s just not cool. So, if you want to keep me as your man, don’t ever fucking do that again.” You might have to drop the F bomb. I know I would, but I get myself in trouble sometimes. But that’s okay.

I want to stress that I am a very active participant in the bedroom, and since this incident, I believe that she is very satisfied.

You never know.

I was able to forgive her and move on from this.

Well, just remember, love cannot exist where there is no trust, and character is destiny. I just did a video I think it was last week, “When To Dump Women Who Violate Your Boundaries.” This woman just kept violating this guy’s boundaries. She would promise to change her behavior, she would for a while, and then she’d go right back to the same ratchet behavior. And finally he was like, “That’s it, I’m done. We’re finished,” and he stuck to it.

I’m really proud of that guy, because men like that are the only type of people that are going to be able to correct that kind of behavior. Now, that particular woman, she might not ever change, but every time she comes across a guy like that who has integrity, he’s not going to put up with their BS. He’s going to just send her on down the road, because he doesn’t have to put up with it. Life’s too short.

Within the past two weeks, she decided to purchase some edible marijuana, gummies given that we live in Colorado and it is legal here. I have experimented with weed in the past and it is not really my thing. Neither is drinking. It doesn’t bother me if people choose to indulge responsibly.

I’d agree.

However, she was taking the edibles and not telling me about them. Ten came in the box, and upon checking the stash, I noted that several were missing. Eventually, after a day of rock climbing, I caught her in the act of eating one. I said, something smells fruity, and she commented that she had just put on new deodorant, (a lie).

Damn. You know she’s taken an edible, and she’s like, “Oh, it’s my new deodorant.” You see how easy it is for her? It really sounds like somebody that, growing up, was just constantly lying to her family. That’s how she learned to survive. This is her nature. This is what she learned from her parents. This is what happens when parents create an environment where the kids can’t come and be honest, because they get punished or the parents are extremely strict. And then what happens is the kids just lie, and cover it up, and don’t say anything, because mom and dad can’t handle the truth anyway.

And I called her out on it. We proceeded to have a discussion about trust, transparency and being honest, and I took a half of a gummy just to ease her fear that I am so anti-weed.

So, it’s cool that you had one with your girl, but I mean, now here she is, the second time, just lying about something that’s kind of ridiculous. “Oh, it’s my deodorant.” “I don’t want to tell my boyfriend that I took one of those gummies, so I’m just going to say it’s my deodorant.” Come on. I would just say, “Look, this is the second time I’ve caught you lying to me. That’s not cool. Love cannot exist where there is no trust. I don’t want to be in a relationship with somebody that just lies like it’s not a big deal. If you want to keep me as your man, that shit’s going to stop. And if you don’t knock it off, we will be finished.”

“I love you, and the thought of that just crushes my soul. But I’m not going to be with somebody that’s going to lie to me about the all of these little things. Because if you’re lying about little things, you’re lying about big things. And love cannot exist where there is no trust. So, that’s a deal breaker for me. You’re doing things that are endangering our relationship, and there’ll be no coming back from it. If we break up over your continued dishonesty, there’ll be no second, third, fourth reconciliation. It will be over, and you’ll have to find yourself a new man.”

From this conversation, the big takeaways were that “I don’t mind if you do it, just tell me about it and be honest.”

Common sense, right. For people with integrity, that makes total sense.

Her explanation for this was that “She lived in a very strict household and often had to lie to cover her tracks to prevent getting in trouble.”

It’s understandable, but now she’s an adult. It’s time to put her big girl pants on and treat her man with respect, and honesty, and integrity. And she’s not doing that. She’s jeopardizing the future of your relationship with this continued behavior. And if it doesn’t stop, she won’t be your girlfriend anymore. It’s as simple as that. If you break up over lies and dishonesty because she continually does it, then that tells me she doesn’t respect him. If I was him, that would tell me that she doesn’t respect me, she doesn’t value our relationship, and she isn’t interested in submitting and changing this ratchet behavior for me. That’s fine, but you’re not going to be my girl if you’re not willing to do that. Simple as that.

I know her parents have hid information from her in the past, including big life events, including a previous marriage and divorce.

So, she comes from a family of habitual liars. Character is destiny. That’s who she is. That’s who her family is. They lie to each other. They can’t be honest, even about little things. I mean, that’s a big thing, obviously, that they had a previous marriage and divorce. The parents, their logic was, “Hey, we’ll just not tell our child about a previous marriage and divorce. We’ll just pretend like it never happened. So, our whole relationship and our whole family will be built upon a lie.”

And so, what did they do? They thought, “This is going to protect our child.” What it did was it turned the child into being exactly like them, no integrity. That’s so disappointing. It’s kind of like the nonsense of the people going, “Oh, we’re staying in the marriage for the kids.” And the kids grow up fucked up, and they’re like, “Gee, I wonder what happened. Wonder why that is.”

Today, after I saw her out the door to work after our crossfit workout. I checked the stash and noticed that 1/4 of a gummy was missing, which leads me to suspect that she took one before going to work, (she just started a new job as a nurse).

Oh, that’s great. It’s really swell that my nurse, with life and death decisions, is taking some marijuana before she goes to work. Probably not a good idea. “Oops! I’m sorry I accidentally killed that patient, doctor.”

Or took a little bit of one last night.

Well, we don’t know.

Sure enough, she did not mention anything about this. And it appears that our conversation from the other night/ day meant nothing.

I don’t see what the issue is with the stash, because that kind of doesn’t make sense. Did you tell her she’s not allowed to have any of the stash unless she tells you or asked you for permission or something? Because that would seem a little unreasonable. Maybe I missed something here. So, a quarter of a gummy is missing and he’s mad about it. Well, if she wanted a quarter of a gummy, it’s like, what’s the big deal? But if she lies about it, then that’s a problem.

I don’t want to be perturbed and blow my cool, but the fact that we just had a conversation about this and she is comfortable omitting details and lying to my face doesn’t instill a sense of confidence. What is your take on the situation?

In the past, I have used moments of adversity as an opportunity to grow. However, this just kinda feels like a low blow. Honesty, trust and integrity matter to me. I am conflicted on how to respond to this situation and would appreciate an outside point of view. 

Thanks for everything you do. 

Bob

Well, Bob, the last thing here about the quarter of a gummy, I don’t see where the lie is here. At least from what you wrote in your email, it just seems like she took one and didn’t tell you about it. But it’s like, what should that matter if you guys live together, and it’s the stash, and you don’t take the things anyway? She likes them, she takes them. It’s like, really, what should it matter? Unless she does it and it’s like the thing with the deodorant, “Oh, I smell something fruity,” “Oh, it’s my new deodorant,” and you know it’s not true.

So, like I said, this last thing about the quarter of a gummy, maybe he left something out. Maybe you confronted her about it and she lied about that to your face once again. I don’t know if you left of any those details out, but just that paragraph doesn’t make any sense to me. But like I was saying earlier, I’m assuming you’re just getting mad because she took it and didn’t tell you. But at the end of the day, don’t try to control things, if that’s what’s going on here.

You just have to be on the lookout now, because now your Spidey sense is tingling. The hairs are standing up on the back of your neck, and you’re wondering, “Okay, she faked an orgasm, she lied to my face after we had this conversation, and it appears she might do it again.” So, the next time you catch her lying about something, you’re going to have to let her know that if this behavior does not stop, she is endangering the future of your relationship, that you’re going to break up with her, and there’ll be no coming back from it.

You’re going to say, “Look, you’re going to have to decide. If you want me as your man, if you want to continue to have the privilege of having this sexy man as yours, exclusively, then you’re going to have to be honest with me. And I’m not going to tolerate white lies. I’m not going to tolerate you lying about orgasms in the bedroom, or lying to my face, when I know you just took an edible, and tell me that it’s your deodorant. We just had this conversation about integrity, and you apologized and said it’s not going to happen again, and then you did it again.”

“All I can ascertain from your behavior is that you’re dishonest. And if you’re dishonest, I’m not going to stay with you. I don’t want a liar as a girlfriend. I certainly will not marry a woman who’s a liar, and I will not have children with a woman who is a liar. Simple as that. So, you’re going have to decide, what kind of a world do you want to live in? Do you want to live in a world with yours truly in it, or do you want to live in a world where you’re single and you got dumped because you lied to your boyfriend multiple times? Because it’s getting to the point now where this is the third or fourth time I’ve caught you in a lie.”

“You say you’re going to change your behavior and you won’t. And so, if I give you multiple chances, and you just continue to violate it, and then promise to do something about it, and then you do it again anyway, that tells me you don’t love me. That tells me you don’t value me. That tells me you don’t respect me as a man. And I can’t trust or be with a woman that lies to me. That’s a deal breaker. So, if this happens again, we’re done. You’re going to pack your shit, and you’re going to go back home, or you can get another place to live, but you won’t be my girlfriend anymore.”

“And I won’t give you another chance, because I’m not going to stay with a liar. That’s where we’re at. I love you. I hope you’re not going to do this again, but you’ve done it multiple times and, quite frankly, your actions do not instill a lot of confidence in me. And so, I’m really sad. I’m disappointed in you. I thought you were a better human being than this. And it’s such a turnoff. I just can’t believe you’re doing this and you act like it’s just not a big deal.”

“I know you were raised in this environment. I know your parents are liars and you lied. You’re obviously behaving like a liar, and again, it’s not going to work. We’re not going to stay together if you’re going to continue like this. So, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt, I’ll give you one more chance, but if this happens again, you’re gone, we’re done, and there’ll be no coming back from it.”

“I hate saying that. It crushes my soul to think that or to think about you not in my life, but I’m not going to stay with you if you’re doing this stuff, especially lying over stupid things like this. If you lie over little things, that means everything that’s going on, there’s probably all kinds of lies you’ve told me that you’ve gotten away with. And I’m not going to tolerate it. I’m out.”

“You’ve got to decide who do you want to be. Do you want to be a better version of yourself, or do you want to be a ratchet? Because if you want to be a ratchet, I’ll send you on down the road to the trailer park.” It’s harsh, but you’re probably going to have to have that conversation, because, at least as of right now, it doesn’t look like she’s going to change.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.