When you should dump women who repeatedly violate your boundaries due to their bad character traits.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following me for several years and has read 3% Man over 10 times. He recently broke up with a girlfriend he was dating for the past 8 months. She had many male orbiters and exes in the background. She agreed to change her behavior and stop seeking attention from other men if she wanted exclusivity with him.
That lasted for a few months, and then she did it again in a very public and rude way. He broke it off for good and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
What you’re going to see here is this guy setting and enforcing boundaries, and she’s continually violating them. You’ve probably heard me say before, character is destiny. When you really care about somebody and your emotions are involved, it’s hard to do what you know you need to do, because you want to give them the benefit of the doubt. You want to hope that they care about you enough and they respect you and what you have together enough to say, “You know what, I’m going to respect this boundary.”
Good women will respect a healthy boundary. Bad women, women that belong to the streets, they won’t care. And that’s pretty much what ends up happening with this girl. But this guy does a good job of giving her chances to redeem herself and to do the right thing. Character is destiny. People don’t change who they are. They may become a better version of themselves, but if there’s somebody that’s a liar and they’re devious – like in this case, she entertains and solicits attention from other men – she’s not going to stop. So, it’s not your fault that she’s that way. You look at it like, hey, her family screwed her up. But nevertheless, it’s a really good email to see how to set and enforce healthy boundaries and what you’ve got to do when it’s time to pull the plug.
I’ve been following you for several years. Yes, I’ve read your book 10-15 times, LOL. I’ve done the work with personal therapy and feel my life is headed where I would like it to be. I had a terrible divorce, like most, several years ago where I did everything wrong. Live and learn. Much better place these days. Overall, following your work, reading, and several other factors have led to really successful dating and being able to exit gracefully when needed.
So, I have a recent situation involving boundaries with a girl I was dating for 8 months. I would like your input on, did I handle things correctly? Of course, if you ask the red pill community, you get all the negative/harsh responses.
Yeah. The video I did yesterday was just another dude that was doing well with my work, and then decided… because, obviously, a lot of the red pill guys, some of them have got some books that are doing really well. And so, they’ve got a lot of attention right now, and people go where the attention is. But for a lot of guys, it takes them down a dark rabbit hole where they just become negative, and angry, and bitter towards women, and they can sense it. And they go from having success to sabotaging their relationships, like the guy was about to do from yesterday, based on what he read in the red pill community.
So, like I’ve been saying, most of them don’t really have solutions. And all they really do is give guys reasons to get into a tailspin of negativity, and blaming other people, and not doing anything that’s actually going to help themselves.
I believe no matter what someone did wrong, you should still show them grace, even if your choice is to exit the relationship.
I started dating this girl a little over eight months ago. Everything was going well. We had one issue with boundaries around social media and keeping guys around from her past when she asked for commitment. I explained the usual, that I couldn’t offer commitment with those things present.
So, in other words, she’s in contact with a lot of dudes. She’s got a lot of male orbiters, and she’s constantly getting attention from other guys. Dudes slide into her DMs, those kinds of things. And she’s posting things on social media that basically communicate she’s inviting that attention.
Zuckerberg is trying to turn Instagram into TikTok now, and everybody’s upset about it. It’s like, I go there and I can’t even find the post of the people that I’m following. And then on top of that, the next thing you know, boom, you just wasted an hour because it’s like TikTok. Man, the thing just takes over. It’s like, first you’re watching a crane collapse or a ship running into a dock, and the next thing you know, an hour has gone by. It’s like, you’ve got to peel yourself away from it.
She agreed to correct things so we could be committed.
So, he sets a healthy boundary to see what she does.
She broke the boundary at one point, (attention seeking), I calmly explained that we had agreed it was a hard boundary, she violated it, and stepped back.
What you’re starting to see here is her character. She’ll say whatever she needs to say, or agree to whatever she needs to agree to, to placate the person so she can get what she wants, which is obviously to stay in the relationship and keep him around as her boyfriend. But if we look at her actions, she committed to remove herself from these groups of thirsty dudes, and she violated that. So, at that point, you’re several months down the road, he’s probably really emotionally invested. It’s easy for you or I to sit there and go, “Oh, yeah, she belongs to the streets, bro. She’s out of there.” But you’re not the one in the situation, so it’s harder.
I explained that if these things ever change, to give me a call. Some time later she reached out asking for a second chance and made the appropriate changes.
He had to walk away. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. And so, he walked away and said, “If it changes, get in touch. Otherwise, we’re done.” She got in touch, said, “Oh, I’ve changed everything.” So, let’s see what happens next.
Everything seemed fine for months after. Complete change in behavior. We took several small trips. Started meeting friends. Everything was going exceptionally well.
Remember, people don’t change who they are. They may become a better version of it, but at the end of the day, a liar and a cheater or somebody who’s devious just becomes more clever at hiding it until they think you’re comfortable.
A couple weekends ago, we attended a concert out of state with some long-term friends. From the start of the day her mood was off.
Now, the other thing you’ve got to keep in mind is, when women are going to break it off with a guy, they typically will pick a fight. And that’s what you’ll kind of start to see here, is that she’s picking a fight. Because women will pick a fight in hopes that the guy breaks it off when they’re ready to check out.
The days leading up to the mood change were wonderful. Hanging out, hooking up, doing the stuff we loved to do. I was really confused about the shift but remained calm and followed advice. I had asked if everything was okay, and if she needed to talk about things. She said everything was okay, and I let her know I am available if she would like to talk.
You can’t solve problems unless you can talk openly and honestly about them. And if the other person is intent on deceiving you or telling you everything is fine and dandy when it’s really not, there’s not a lot you can do. You can’t make them communicate like an adult. You can’t make them act calmly or communicate calmly. You just have to see the situation as it is.
The day went on and walking into the concert she began being extremely rude to everyone involved in the party.
Who knows, maybe she’s got some kind of mental illness she hasn’t told you about.
I brought it up and once again asked what was going on. She claimed nothing, which I knew wasn’t the case. I wasn’t in a position to properly deal with it and went back to enjoying the concert and things escalated.
Yeah, it’s kind of hard. You’ve got a problem there with your girl, and you’ve got your friends there. And you don’t want to cause a scene, because it sounds like she’s a hothead and the type to escalate it.
She started exchanging numbers with a guy in front of us, heavily flirting, and disappeared for a long period of time.
That just shows her state of mind, the place she’s at. She doesn’t care about the commitment at that point. She doesn’t care about the relationship. She cares about what she wants. Maybe something happened that set her off. But the reality is, if you just bottom line her actions, she’s acting like a woman that doesn’t value the commitment, doesn’t value her boyfriend, doesn’t respect him, doesn’t care that his friends, or maybe their mutual friends, are there.
And she’s openly flirting in front of him with another guy with his friends there, which is embarrassing. I mean, you’re with somebody for eight months, and then there she is, you’re at a concert. Can you imagine, you travel out out of state together, and then she pulls that crap?
You know, refusing to communicate and being petty like a child would. At one point, she opened her phone and started messaging people from the past – orbiters and old flings.
Yeah, didn’t she say she deleted all these people? Sure. So, this is what her true character is. Her word means nothing.
Leaving the concert, she asked what was wrong. I calmly explained I watched everything, but we would discuss it later, not wanting a scene. At this point she stormed off and the angry text started. I was called controlling and insecure, which I know is not the case and deflection.
Dude, you are spot on. Nice job. You’ve got to hand it to this guy. Despite all of this, I mean, you think you’re in a relationship with somebody, and it’s going along great, and then this happens. You can just imagine how he’s feeling inside. It’s embarrassing, number one. And it’s frustrating. It’s disappointing. It’s going to hurt emotionally, because you know what you’re going to have to do.
She lied about what happened and asked to please let her explain. I let her know I witnessed everything and so did my group, that this was completely unacceptable and broke several major boundaries. That I couldn’t continue the relationship with this level of public disrespect, but that I wouldn’t leave her stranded so far from home.
Good job, dude. I know it takes balls to do that, but it had to be done.
She chose to get a ride from one of her friends attending the concert and returned to our home state. I remained calm and focused on the facts at hand the entire time. Afterwards, I received a message from her apologizing for everything. I stood by my position of exiting the relationship and wished her the best.
And quite frankly, this is what this girl needs. She needs strong men like yourself who just aren’t going to put up with this BS, who are going to say, “Hey, you told me that this behavior was done and over with, and you loved me and cared about me, and wanted to be in a relationship with me, and then you violated it. And on top of that, you disrespected me in front of my friends. There’s no coming back from that.”
“You said you weren’t going to treat me that way, yet you did it anyway. I’ve given you multiple chances, and you violated the boundaries each time. So, that just shows you don’t respect me, you don’t care about me, you don’t value our relationship. And I don’t want to be in a relationship with somebody, and I don’t want to stay committed to somebody that behaves that way. We had some great times. I wish you all the best. Have a nice life. Lose my number.”
I am still baffled by what happened, as she never offered any explanation for what started that.
Like I said, maybe she’s got some undiagnosed mental illness. Maybe she does have some mental illness she just hasn’t told you about. I had a girlfriend who was on antidepressants, and I didn’t find out until six months after we were dating. She just happened to mention that she had taken herself off of them, and then within a couple of weeks, she went completely Jekyll and Hyde and was a different person. So, there may be some of that going on.
But at the end of the day, if you just bottom line her actions, there’s no coming back from that. Because if you take her back, then all you communicate that it’s okay, and she can get away with it because she got away with it the first time. But he’s like, “Alright, we’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.” You gave her a second chance and she wrecked that chance as well. So, it doesn’t matter what comes out of her mouth. Her actions show that she’s not reliable, she’s not dependable, she’s not loyal, she’s not faithful.
She’s just a friends with benefits or a sex playmate. She’s not somebody that you’re going to ever want to get serious with or trust, because she’s not trustworthy. And, quite frankly, the fact that she has a low level of integrity, it’s probably not a good idea to even have her as a friends with benefits, because you don’t know who she’s doing or what she’s on when you’re not around.
I felt it was pointless to ask, since it wouldn’t change my decision and I am not in the business of giving multiple chances for boundary breaking in such a severe way.
Good for you, dude. I know it takes guts and balls, but most guys wouldn’t have had the balls to do that.
My guess would be emotional immaturity with someone who couldn’t let go of the validation social media has to offer.
Probably no strong masculine presence growing up – no dad, no strong uncle, no grandfather, no stepdad, nobody there to check her or set and enforce healthy boundaries. Maybe both of her parents were liars and cheaters. Who cares? It doesn’t really matter. If we look at her actions, her actions are not the actions of somebody you can have a healthy relationship with, a loyal monogamous relationship.
The number one, most important thing for guys in a relationship is loyalty. And this chick ain’t loyal. It means nothing to her. So, you can’t give a second or a third chance to her. As she gets older, and hopefully if she encounters enough strong guys like yourself, what will happen is, eventually, she’ll lose every good guy she comes across, because the same thing will happen. And then they’ll dip out. Or more likely, she’ll probably find some soft guys that’ll put up with it.
Maybe resentment over agreeing to something she didn’t want too.
It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter. It could be a bunch of things, mental illness. But the bottom line is her behavior shows she’s got no character, no integrity, and therefore she’s disqualified.
I would love to hear your input on what you think the issue was, and did I handle things properly?
Thanks in advance!
Dude, you handled things in an exemplary manner. You did outstanding. So, good job, man. I know it’s tough and it doesn’t feel good, but you did the right thing and you shouldn’t feel bad at all. I mean, the way you handled it should be a lesson for all the guys that are in similar situations, that are more inclined to give a woman way more chances than you were willing to give this girl. Because, like I said, if it happens once, okay. Give her the benefit of the doubt. We’ll give her give her one chance to get it right. And she didn’t, so she’s out. That’s it. As Doc Love would have said, “one chance per girl, per lifetime.” She’s donzies. She’s out of your life.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge, maybe you’re in a sticky situation like this, and you’re overwhelmed with your emotions, and you need some help figuring out what you should or shouldn’t do or the right course of action… Because I know most guys in this position, this is a hard thing to live with. And if you really care about the girl, and you really love her, and she’s hot, and the sex is good, it’s not easy to just go, “Oh yeah, I’ll walk away from that.” But this guy did it, so kudos to him.
But if you’d like to get my help and with a situation you’re in, maybe something similar or something different, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page on the website and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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