What it means when a woman you are dating has low interest, makes little effort and then ghosts you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The 1st email is from a viewer who has been following me for about a year and read 3% Man, 10 times so far. He has been dating a woman whose interest is decreasing and lately she has been inviting other people to their dates and is becoming distant.
The 2nd email is from a viewer who was dating a girl he really liked for about two months. She was beautiful, but a bit boring on dates and never spoke much. She never initiated contact with him, but he could feel her slowly backing away. The last time he contacted her to make a date she ghosted him. He sees her in the gym sometimes and she smiles at him, but never approaches him. Both guys are confused as to what happened. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
First Viewer’s Email:
Been following you for about a year now and have read/listened to the book right around 10 times.
Obviously, he’s talking about 3% Man.
Thank you for all you do – it’s been a game changer for me.
Around two months ago I started hooking up with a girl who I have known for around 6 months. We were both dating other people at the time of meeting and formed a loose friendship which eventually led to a date night and hook up two months ago.
I assume they both became single at the same time. There wasn’t any cheating involved.
The other thing is you got to keep in mind, when you get involved with somebody that’s recently out of a relationship- Which I think the second emailer has had in that case- When you’re starting to date a woman who just ended something with somebody, there is a really good chance that dude is still in the background. Especially if you display weakness and unattractive traits and she spent more time with the other guy, she’s going to be more emotionally bonded with him.
Therefore, if it’s a choice between you and him, maybe the other guy cleans up his act or whatever, she’s typically going to bounce back to him. You have to be prepared for that. That’s why when you encounter these situations, you shouldn’t put all your eggs in one basket and pedestal as the girl and then expect it. She’s going to become your next girlfriend.
You got to live in the present moment. You got to take it day by day and respond based on how she’s showing up today, not what she says or what she talks about, because women like that can be very hot and cold. They can be really into you and it seems like everything’s going great. Then all of a sudden, they’re just cold as ice.
When they’re cold as ice, it typically means they’re starting to bounce back to the other guy because it wasn’t completely over. More than likely, it’s not going to work out with the other dude. That’s why if you’re just casually dating, casually hanging out, having fun, hooking up or whatever, you shouldn’t put too much stock in that, because you’re trying to create the conditions- If you’re following what’s in the book, 3% Man– To where she’s going to try to win you over and convince you to be her boyfriend.
Unfortunately most guys, especially in our society, are doing just the opposite. They have the attitude and the mindset, “Oh, I hope she likes me. I hope I can get her to like me. I hope she’ll choose me. I hope she picks me.” Instead of having the attitude that women have, which is, “Is this person good for me? Should I be dating them? Are they a good match? They treat me the way I’ll be treated? Well, I’ll just see what happens.”
You’re going to basically match and mirror the actions or the effort, I should say. If they back off, then you should back off a little bit. What happens for most guys when they don’t know any better is when the woman backs off a little bit, which typically always happens, they start to pursue more and call and text more. This literally pushes her away and drives her back into the arms of the other guy. That’s why it’s so super important to create the conditions where women are starting to pursue you.
Since then, we have been dating fairly steadily, following the once/week contact rule, and around date 4/5 I could feel her starting to slowly pursue me more (initiating contacts that lead to dates, sending me locations in the area on Instagram, liking my IG stories, etc.).
These are the types of things you’ll see as their interest goes up. They call more, they text more. If their interest is low or they’re structured, you’ll never hear from them and you’re trying to weed those girls out anyway. If you’re four or five, six weeks in and the girls never once in between dates called you or texted you, she’s probably structured.
You want somebody that’s natural, easygoing, easy to get along with. Not a girl that’s holding back and following a set of rules and trying to make you jump through a bunch of hoops. You want easygoing, easy to get along with. Not somebody that’s a difficult pain in the ass, because she read the book “The Rules,” or something along those lines. Or she’s following some female coach who is basically learned the work of someone like me, and because they don’t really understand it, they’re basically teaching the women to act like men, and that’s just going to turn you off anyways.
This is part of the weed out process. You’re looking for somebody that’s easy going, easy to get along with. Not a structure girl that is following a set of rules trying to make you jump through her hoops and your own butt. It’s not fun.
On date 4, she asked me the, “What do you want?” question to which I responded, “What do you mean?”
Very smart. That’s the right answer.
She didn’t answer that question but kept pressing me to answer her question to which I responded, “Be more specific in what you mean and I can answer it.” I never gave a full answer and the conversation moved on…
Well, it’s like, “What do you want?” “What do you mean, What do I want? I’d like a sandwich and a cocktail.” “What do you mean, what do I want? Are you saying what am I looking for in the future? Where do I see myself in five or 10 years? Am I potentially going to move to the middle of nowhere, shave my head and my ass and meditate all day? What are you looking for? What do you mean? What are you hinting at?”
A lot of guys, especially lately, the last couple of months I’ve seen a lot of that when the girl brings it up, the guy just kind of jokes and laughs it off and changes the subject, doesn’t really get into it. Therefore, they don’t really understand where she’s coming from, because they never really take the time to ask good, high quality questions.
Just the fact that she was kind of evasive and wouldn’t answer the question, remember, as the book says, whoever is asking the questions is the one that is running the conversation. If you allowed her to keep asking you questions, you in essence, gave up control of that conversation. That’s a bad way to go.
Women don’t want control, and you gave it up. It’s subtle, but those are the little things that communicate masculinity or femininity. If you’re trying to keep the sexual polarity the way it’s supposed to be, you want to stay in your masculine.
Things started to take a bit of a dip around date 6. She initiated contact and I set up the date – to which she invited her friend and her friend’s boyfriend of two years.
As the book says, until you’re in a serious relationship, no group dates. Typically what happens is if the woman is doing that, unless it’s really progressing fast and she’s wanting to be you to be her boyfriend, she’s either trying to involve you in her life or, more likely in this case, she’s bringing cock blockers along to get in the way of the seduction because their interest is going down.
I would just just say, “Well, we’re still getting to know each other. I’d just like to know you and hang out. If you’d rather go out with your friends this weekend, then go do that and we’ll get together maybe next week or the week after.”
Her energy on the date seemed a little off…
This is why you don’t do group dates, dude. You could say something. Maybe the girl doesn’t like you. Maybe the guy doesn’t like you. Maybe the guy secretly has a crush on her and he just tries to cock block you.
You just never really know what the situation is when you’re dating a girl and things are progressing and then all of a sudden you’re hanging out with one of her friends and her friend’s boyfriends. You just don’t know them. You don’t know what the relationships are or what the history is, and you just open yourself up to potentially getting cock blocked.
Especially guys that do stupid things like drink too much and they say things and they do stupid things in the group and they look like an absolute jackass. Then what happens is you turn her whole peer group against you and now they’re all trying to break you guys up. Don’t do that. Especially if you’re learning this stuff. You’re just shooting yourself in the foot.
…And she wasn’t as affectionate as she had previously been.
Well, because she’s worried about what her friends think. Again, this is another reason why you don’t go out on group dates until you’re in a solid relationship where she’s asked you to be her boyfriend. What’s going on here is she’s holding back because she’s worried about what her friends think.
On date 7, after going out to a nice dinner, we went back to my place and she quickly laid on the couch and started to fall asleep.
The other thing to keep in mind is when you see that, when you see waning interest, when you go out and you do a group date and she’s kind of cold and not the same, instead of just setting a date quickly again in the future, I would push it out a little bit to see if that has a positive effect on her interest.
Remember, scarcity creates value. If you just went on a group date and her interest is definitely noticeably less, then I wouldn’t be so enthusiastic about getting in front of her and setting another date quickly. I would make her wait.
After suggesting we go to my bed and call it a night, she quickly mentioned she should probably just, “Go home as she had a busy day the next day and her dogs at home needed to be attended to.”
Well, was that an issue in the past when she stayed over? Probably not. It just shows she’s looking to dip. She wants to get out. She’s not excited to be there. Therefore she’s, in essence, taking your time for granted. When people take your time for granted, guess what? You give them the gift of missing you. Meaning you’re going to spread out your next few dates. You’re not going to do them quickly. You’re going to do them further off in the future.
More than likely, he’s saying and doing things where he’s probably acting a little dopey, maybe pedestalizing her a little bit because he’s thinking, “Wow, we’re like six weeks in. She’s going to become my girlfriend.” Because again, his mindset is “How do we get her to like me?” And he becomes too focused on that and starts ignoring that he’s giving off the vibe that he wants something serious.
Pretty soon after that, she called an Uber, gave me a kiss and took off.
She texted me a picture of her dog the next day, to which I responded with a picture of the hike I was on later in the day. She waited a full 5 days to respond to that message…
That’s not good.
…I responded 3 days later, and haven’t heard from her since (5 days since the text – coming up on two weeks since that last date).
She did suggest getting together with some friends for a dinner next weekend in her last text.
Again, she’s bringing other people around, because what it shows is their interest is dropping. Like most women, she doesn’t understand why. She just knows that the chemistry is off. Something is off. Her interest is going in the wrong direction.
Again, you went out on a group date. You shouldn’t have done that. You’re violating principles in the book. I see this all the time. I hear it in phone sessions. Guys don’t think it’s a big deal, but obviously it is, because if you go out on a group date and her behavior completely changes after that, the group date didn’t go well. This is why you do not do these.
This is what happens when you cherry pick and you just bend the rules. You’re like, “I’m not going to do this. I’m not going to do that. I’m going to go on these group dates.”
When a woman is trying to get you to go out on a group date most of the time, nine times out of 10, it’s because she’s trying to cock block you. She’s trying to put roadblocks in between you and seduction. Therefore, that’s why you don’t agree to, “Oh, hey, if you’d rather go out with your friends this weekend, that’s cool. We can go out next weekend or whatever,” and you do the takeaway.
However, I can feel her pulling away and losing interest and I’m not sure where I went wrong.
You shouldn’t have gone out on a group date. It’s pretty obvious. This is why you read the book 10-15 times. When you don’t know the material, it’s not just the fact that you missed the group date thing. There are other things you’re doing and saying when you’re with her that are turning her off and making you look less attractive. How do I know that? Because her interest is going in the wrong direction.
You know, us guys, we tend to be very egocentric and we don’t want to admit that we screwed up. We just say, “Oh, I was following the book. I did everything you said.” I was like, “No, you didn’t.”
I’m a 27-year-old entrepreneur and she’s a 23-year-old entrepreneur. Successful, driven, ambitious and no shortage of male friends or orbiters.
Again, this is why you should be cautious. A very pretty girl who has tons of male orbiters, dudes that she used to date in the background that are still trying to get another chance, that’s the kind of thing you should be skeptical of. You should look at that and go, “Yeah, I’m not really excited about all that.”
That’s why you’re going to continue exploring your other options. More than likely, this guy pedestalized her, put all his eggs in her basket and was assuming that she was going to become his next girlfriend. Then he got sloppy. He went on a group date.
Then the last time he was trying to set up a date or talking about a future date, she’s already mentioning another group date with other friends. That’s typically a sign of a woman with low interest. She doesn’t want to reject you outright, but what she’s feeling is she’s less attracted to you.
In order to slow down the romance, she brings friends along. Then, as you saw on your group date, she’s cold, she’s distant. She’s not as affectionate, because she’s worried what her friends think. You want her to, instead of pumping the brakes on your date, you want to have her foot on the accelerator.
A few months prior to dating, she ended a three-year on again off again “situationship.”
Well, more than likely the situationship is still going on, and this is why you don’t pedestalize girls like this. This is why you don’t get sloppy. If you’re the prize, if you’re the catch, you’re not going out on group dates.
At this point, in my eyes, the ball is in her court to reach back out and initiate contact/getting together.
Yeah, she went pretty cold and really wasn’t making much of an effort.
With that said, I’d love to hear any insight here on where I may have gone wrong, what may be going on, and what I should do if I hear from her again.
Thanks as always man – your help and insight is much appreciated.
Well, when you do hear from her again, invite her over for dinner. Hang out, have fun and hook up. I wouldn’t take her out or meet her out or do anything like that, especially if she brings up another group date. Just say, “Nah, we’re still getting to know each other and your friends are great and everything, but I want to spend time with just you and I.” If she is resistant to that, then that’s indicative of low interest.
Second Viewer’s Email:
Hope you are doing well!
I have read your book over 15 times so far, but I have not been practicing enough.
If you read the book a thousand times, but you almost never practice, how are you going to get better? Repetition is the mother of a skill. It’s great to have the knowledge in your head, but you need real world experience. You need to ask women out. You need to go out on dates. You need to be involved in texting and calling and talking on the phone, seducing them in person.
When you meet a girl you really like, it’s a lot harder to do everything right and follow what’s in the book, especially if you’re trying to undo years and years or even decades of behavior that just simply turns women off.
I have still made huge strides and asked out 70 women in 3 months.
Well, that’s great. Good job, man.
Before this, I had literally never asked out a woman face-to-face. This eventually lead to a first date with a 22-year-old girl called Jessica. I am 27. I have been seeing her for about two months. She was easily a 9 in my book (picture attached with her brother).
Yeah, she’s beautiful. Definitely.
She was really into me (6-7 on scale).
More than likely, he probably overrated her interest, because this is the one that eventually goes to this guy, but he still sees her in the gym.
I encountered her at the gym a couple of times, I barely said anything to her. When asking her out, she just immediately volunteered her number. She even told me later on that she was trying to track me down in the gym.
In other words, she was trying to get your attention. That’s what they do. They put themselves in your orbit and hope that you notice them and do something about it.
She also mentioned she had sort of given up on me, since I asked her out about the third time I saw her.
On our first few dates, she always laughed at whatever I said and was really touchy-feely and we were making out the majority of the time we actually spent together.
All dates I had with her ended with passionate sex.
Well hopefully, the sex was good.
In two months, I saw her about once a week, she never started initiating, so I called her about 5 days after the previous date and she normally responded enthusiastically.
Yeah, if you’re dating a girl for two months and she never once calls you or texts you, she’s either structured or following a bunch of rules. Or she’s got some weird socially awkward thing going on. You want easy going, easy to get along with.
It seems she didn’t really want to increase the frequency.
That’s something you should pay attention to. If you’re like a month in and you’re doing 100% of the pursuing and she never once initiates any kind of text or calling, then go two weeks, skip a week, and see what happens. If you normally call her every week, yet her interest doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, this is what’s scary for most guys to do because you’re like, “Well, I won’t see her.” You want to see what happens, because you want her interest to go up.
You don’t want it just to stay flat and the same. You spend two months dating a girl and yeah, you’re hooking up and having sex, but you notice that there is no enthusiasm and her interest is low and it doesn’t seem to be going up. So that’s not a good thing.
That’s why the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. Scarcity creates value. If you wait two weeks and then you call her up and you ask her out and she’s the same as always, there’s a lack of enthusiasm for some reason. Maybe you’re just a rebound for her. Maybe she’s just not that into it. You want enthusiasm. You want, “Hell, yeah. I’d love to go out with you.” That’s what you want. You want excitement.
The main thing that disappointed me was that although she was really easygoing and friendly, she was not talkative at all and frankly a bit boring.
Yeah, you can’t fake chemistry. It’s either there or it’s not. If she had nothing to say well, part of it is that also he’s like, “Man, she’s so hot.” Bur when you go out on dates, when you’re not having sex, the conversation is boring and dry.
Just because you’re having sex, maybe the sex was good. That’s why she kept hanging out with you, but she never called or texted you, because she just wasn’t that into it. Maybe she wasn’t over whoever else she was dating before you.
She also seemed pretty insecure about her looks. Whenever I asked her questions, she didn’t open up and said she preferred listening to me. She mentioned she is introverted.
Well, that’s fine and everything, but do you want to be with a girl that never says anything about anything? You want somebody that you actually like listening to. If she’s boring and you’re already bored with her after only a few weeks of dating yeah, she’s hot and her body is beautiful and the sex is nice.
However, when you’re not having sex, you don’t like listening to her, she has nothing to say, that’s not the kind of thing that should cause you to be excited about spending more time with her. That’s why you should be keeping your options open.
There were three weeks of time in between our fifth and sixth date.
Well, things didn’t progress, and you got to pay attention to that.
During the sixth date, I noticed she was acting a bit differently. She laughed a lot less, seemed more distant…
Yeah, if it’s three weeks, more than likely what happened was he’s trying to set dates and she’s not excited about it and was telling him he was busy, so he kept calling and texting every week. Eventually she went out with him again three weeks later.
It’s noticeable that her effort is even less than the last time you saw her, so something’s going on there. Maybe something he said. Something he did. The vibe is giving off. The thing you can’t ignore is that there’s no chemistry, there’s no spark. There’s no enthusiasm coming from her towards him. He’s just looking at the fact that she’s really hot and he likes having sex with her. Other than that, she’s boring.
This is why you get experience, because if you had 4 or 5 other girls that you were dating, some of them would definitely have more enthusiasm with this girl. If they’re just as attractive, then what will happen is you’ll end up spending more time with them just because they make it easy to be with them. That’s what you look for. This girl is making it incredibly difficult to be around her.
…And also left a bit earlier than usual.
Just all signs of low interest. Her attraction is going down instead of up for whatever reason.
She also didn’t start making out with me as soon as she walked in, which she always did on other dates.
Maybe she was on the rebound.
However, we did have passionate sex.
At the end of the date, she mentioned that meeting me felt more intense when there was more time in between dates.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I was a bit too eager after and called three days later.
More than likely, you were always too eager when you were with her. Again, this is the first time you ever asked anybody out in person. It was when you came across my work.
She never responded to my call, it has been two weeks now. I have not reached out and don’t plan to.
I still see her in the gym sometimes and she always smiles at me or greets me, but she does not come over to talk to me.
Just match and mirror that. Just be nice, be friendly.
Think about it from this perspective: How would you treat her if you were tired of fucking her? If you had another girl who was just as pretty, if not prettier, had a better body, better attitude, and she was enthusiastic. You’re going to spend time with her and you’re going to forget about this girl. You’ll be nice, you’ll be polite. You don’t want to hurt her feelings, but you’re not going to go out of your way to talk to her.
If you see her, yeah you’ll wave to her across the gym, but you’re not going to go over and talk to her to say hello. Again, if you’re tired of fucking her, you’re not going to go talk to her or go out of your way to talk to her, because you don’t want to give her the impression that you still want to see her because you’re having so much fun with somebody else.
I had mentioned something earlier about living in the present moment and she mentioned she and her friends tended to live in the past. Should I just let the kitty cat roam and assume she went back to an ex? It just seems very sudden.
Thanks for everything!
I would say if I was a betting man, that’s probably exactly what happened, was that she went back to whoever it was that she was dating before you. I think he did say that she had been seeing somebody. I guess he didn’t say that. It was the first guy.
Like I said, if you just look at her actions, the bottom line is she’s behaving like somebody else has her attention now, and you want to match and mirror that. The fact that she’s boring to talk to and she’s not exciting on dates, I wouldn’t be putting any more effort.
The problem is this is the only prospect he has right now. More than likely when he started dating her, he stopped asking out other women, and that’s part of his problem. That’s why if you have lots of choices, you’re going to be cockier. You’re going to have more swagger. You’re going to be more inclined to do things right and give off the right vibe, versus if you’re only dating this one girl and it’s your first real experience with a girl you really like. It’s going to be your old programming.
You still just have not had enough time with the material and practicing it and implementing it to overcome that, so you’re going to tend to revert. Especially if you’re dating somebody that makes no effort at all. If I were you, I wouldn’t call or text her again for any reason. Unless she reaches out to you when she does reach out, I wouldn’t take her out and wouldn’t meet up with her. I’d invite her over to make dinner together and just see how she is and make her come over.
Just like what I talk about in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, that’s what you should be doing. You want to see if she’ll come to your place three times in a row. Again, she’s got to do all the pursuing from this point forward, because if she’s not, then I would just let it go and move on to the next. It’s just one girl, dude. I mean, asking out 70 women in a few months? That’s great. Do more of that.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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