How to walk and master the fine line between settling for mediocrity and a life that is less than what you are capable of living, and creating a life and lifestyle of magnificence in all of your personal and professional endeavors.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a thirty-six-year-old female viewer who has been casually dating and hooking up with a forty-year-old guy she met online for about two months. He says he has never been in love before and got his heart broken in college. He says he has turned off that emotional part of himself to avoid getting hurt. She wants a relationship, but wonders if she should cut him loose. She shares some troubling red flags she has noticed about him. The second email is a success story from a guy who started following my work about a year and a half ago. He shares how it has helped him go from a fearful scarcity mindset and limited success with women, to a life of abundance. He’s slept with many different women, made new friends and dramatically improved his social circle. He’s even up for a “Man Of The Year” award from a regional magazine. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of their emails:
First Viewer’s Email:
Can you please tell me how I can turn a fling into something more? (Remember, it takes two people to make a relationship work. Both of you have to want the same things and have the same goals and values.) I met a guy on Match.com, whom I’ve been casually dating for about 2 months. We were so attracted to each other that we slept together on the second date. (Most women, on average, will sleep with a guy on the second or third date.) I only let this happen, because I was single for a long time prior to meeting him. (You were highly motivated.) It’s been fun, but I’m starting to really like him. (Women fall in love slowly over time. That’s why I coach men to just focus on hanging out, having fun and hooking up.) He’s an attorney, is super busy, and works long hours and weekends half of the time. By the way, it also takes 45 minutes to an hour to get from his house to mine, plus an $8 toll each way. We’ve been on 2 actual dates. The rest have been him coming over my apartment around 9:30 pm, hanging out, talking, watching TV, smoking and hooking up, and him leaving the next morning, either to go to work or home if it’s a weekend. We have talked about what we wanted. (The key is to make sure you have the same goals and values.) I’m looking for a relationship. He said he’s looking for companionship, friendship, which will eventually turn into a relationship, (What is his history?), and that the relationship develops over time. Throughout this time we’ve been hanging out, I noticed he doesn’t really ask about me. (That’s a major red flag. When somebody really, truly cares about you, they want to know everything about you.) To this day, he still doesn’t know my last name. We do text a few times a week just to say hello until the next time we meet up. One time he came over, I asked about his dating past and came to the realization that he’s never been in love his whole life. He is 40, and I’m 36. I also found out that a girl from college cheated on him, and he was very hurt by it, even though he wasn’t in love with her. He said it was so painful that he couldn’t imagine how it would be if he DID love her. Ever since then, he’s turned off that emotional part of himself, so he goes in a relationship basing it on sex. (People like this date people they don’t really want so they can easily walk away without getting hurt. The likelihood of you being the one who converts him is not in your favor. You have to see the situation as it really is. Look at his actions.)
Coach, can you please give me some advice? Is there a way to turn a fling into something more substantial, or should I just let this one go? (Keep your options open, and keep looking for what you want. I would treat this particular dude as a fuck buddy and nothing else. There is not a good chance of him being relationship material. He is not emotionally available, and it’s not your job to fix him.)
Second Viewer’s Email:
A year and a half ago, I found your work after a relationship break-up where the woman I dated was a narcissist/sociopath. (Narcissists and sociopaths tend to date people with low self-esteem. Check out my article and video, “I Dated A Narcissist.” You need to educate yourself on this so you can spot this kind of behavior.) I didn’t realize this until a couple of weeks of research after the break-up, when I was determined to try and find out what went wrong. That research also led me to your work. I went about devouring your book and videos, amongst many others in the genre of dating/relationships and how to get your balls back, to the point where I’m now an expert and amateur psychologist to my friends! (I want people to learn my book inside and out and get the help they need.)
Since then, my life has improved dramatically. I have been an expat for many years, and whilst this is great in some ways, it’s a transient lifestyle, and friends come and go. I’ve gone from being in a fearful state constantly about women, my social life and friends, to having absolute abundance. (It’s your birthright to be abundant.) I’ve slept with many women in the this past year and half, met so many new people, went out and engaged in many new activities, and I’m even in a regional men’s magazine “man of the year” competition. If you’ve have told me I’d be in this place a year and a half ago, I wouldn’t have believed it. Having you and your videos is like having a coach on your shoulder on a daily basis, giving you advice and willing you to do well, reinforcing good habits and berating bad ones. (As a coach, my job is to teach fundamentals and teach people to see what they can’t see. The reason people don’t have what they want in life is because of the story they tell themselves about why they can’t have it, don’t have it or won’t have it.) I haven’t found a good partner to settle down with yet, but my filter is so much higher. I think it’s important to point out that a lot of women don’t know what they are doing when it comes to relationships either. They don’t all know how to recognize a 3% man when they come across one. (That was also shocking to me. I had no idea that beautiful women were totally fucked up as well. However, if you don’t get past the first date, it’s impossible to find these things out and learn it.) Perhaps this is an area you can cover? (I’ve discussed this in other videos.)
I’ve sent in a donation as a token of my appreciation for your work. Keep it up Big Guy!
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“You always have a choice in how you will live your life. Every action you take and every action you fail to take matters. You’re either moving towards what you want, or making excuses and taking yourself further away from your destiny because of fear, doubt or uncertainty. Success comes from continually grinding towards emotionally compelling dreams and goals, despite the odds, failures, setbacks and obstacles, and taking action even when it seems hopeless. Patience, persistence and perseverance eventually will pay off. However, success is not a final destination. For when you reach your dreams, you realize you can always become better and dream even grander dreams. Most people live lives of mediocrity. True glory and a full life well lived is reserved for those few who refused to settle and succumb to their fears. Why? Fear only exists in the mind of man. It is an illusion.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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