Why men should never be so perturbed by life and the little annoyances that they become unattractive grumpy twats.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a woman who started dating a guy she really liked. However, he was often grumpy, moody and became perturbed over the littlest infractions.
She dumped him and then tried to see him again after a week of rethinking her decision, but eventually he told her he was a disaster and she did the right thing by dumping him. She wonders if she over pursued or put up with too much BS. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of her email.
What’s interesting, the email that I did the other day, “Unnecessary Romantic Self-Sabotage,” you can basically see this particular email from a woman’s perspective of what a guy does when he talks her out of liking him, even when she really likes him to start with. You’ll see how it goes sideways, and it goes sideways really quickly.
Dear Coach Corey Wayne,
I recently started seeing an exciting, glamorous guy…
I don’t think I’ve ever heard somebody refer to a guy who’s “glamorous.”
…with his shit together.
I’ve already read this email, so this guy definitely does not have a shit together. You can see what’s going on here is she’s projecting her irrational fantasy onto this guy and completely ignoring that he’s a train wreck. He even tells her so much.
He wasn’t very confident in the beginning. He was really nice when relaxed but was a bit intense and hard to be with when tired, because he could be uptight and grumpy.
Who wants to be around an uptight and grumpy person? I had one girlfriend my whole life who was like that. And man, I’m a pretty upbeat, positive, optimistic person, but being around somebody that’s just constantly grumpy, constantly unhappy, looking for reasons to be upset… it’s like, you can be playful and fun and joke around all you want, but being around somebody that’s just determined to be in a shit mood, they’re going to wear you out and you’re going to get tired of it. I got tired of it. I did it for about six months and I was like, “Check, please!”
He would also snap at me for repeating myself too much.
You also want to be with somebody who actually genuinely wants to listen to you and finds you interesting.
He asked for my input on his project and got cross with my feedback, saying it was too critical. I probably didn’t praise him enough, but I wasn’t overly harsh. I just asked a lot of questions. I think I was testing him a bit as well.
Well, of course you were.
I was feeling a bit unsure about him but still wanted to see him. A few times we had minor arguments over WhatsApp, and I told him I was a bit fed up with being told off.
Yeah, it’s like, you’re getting all these signs of disrespect, and yet still giving this guy the benefit of the doubt.
He started to be a bit flakey as well. One Saturday, he was really lovely and sweet, and we had a lovely evening. Then he went out for the day to see his friend and wanted to come back in the evening. He was being quite grumpy and complained a lot about the TV and didn’t want sex. We were cuddling and I said, “I think you are a bit tense,” and he got very defensive and asked why I would say something so rude.
This man is too easily perturbed.
He got really wound up and said he should leave because the evening was a disaster. I had been calm but I got annoyed at this point.
I would be annoyed, too. I wouldn’t want to be putting up with this bullshit. It reminds me of a girlfriend I once had who was just grumpy and bitchy pretty much all of the time. And on top of that, when she got really grumpy, when she went off her antidepressants – which I had no idea she was even on because she had hidden that from me for the whole relationship, but told me, “Oh, by the way, I stopped taking my prescription three days ago, the prescription ran out, because everything is so great and I’m so happy. Things are wonderful!” – man, did things drop like a rock two weeks later.
He ended up staying, but in the morning left in a huff because I tried to talk about what happened.
Hey, if you can’t talk openly and honestly about things, you’re not going to have a good relationship with a guy like this. It’s impossible. You have to be with somebody who’s easygoing, easy to get along with, and who’s willing to talk and communicate and work out their differences.
Then I dumped him because I felt really pissed off at him for overreacting so much.
That was the right decision. You should trust that.
After a week I messaged him again.
Come on, girl.
I couldn’t stop thinking about him and thought I should give him another chance, as he was very apologetic about being a twat.
He’s just a miserable human being. It’s not your fault. It’s not your job to fix him or save him. Wish him well. “Hope you get some help for that, buddy.”
He chatted twice enthusiastically and talked about a local town, which I’d never been to, and suggested he take me there. Two days later, I asked if he wanted to do something at the weekend. He didn’t reply until the next day and said he was too tired/ill, work was too much and he probably wouldn’t be very good company.
Yeah, maybe this guy is bipolar or something. It’s like, these are really big red flags. Again, you want easygoing, easy to get along with, and there’s none of that coming from this dude.
I said, “Okay, let me know if you do want to do something.” On Sunday, I asked him how he was and was he having a nice weekend? He said, ongoing, he didn’t want to mess me around and it was the right decision to dump him the first time, and sorry he is a disaster.
There you go. He just said, “I’m undateable.” And as the late, great Maya Angelou said, “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” He just said, “you made the right decision, you should have dumped me” because he’s a disaster. There you go. End of story. Check, please! Thanks, but no thanks. I’m going to dine at a different establishment from now on.
I explained it was the overreacting, not the uptightness or grumpiness, and the door is always open if he wants to do something in the future.
Come on, girl! Why would you say that? Well, I know why you would say that; You’re projecting your unreasonable fantasy onto this guy, and you’re completely ignoring all the red flags. There’s more red flags than the Communist fucking party.
Did I over pursue?
Well, you did a little bit there, but that’s not why. The guy’s fucked up. He told you he’s fucked up, and you’re still trying to make excuses for that behavior.
Or put up with too much bullshit?
You put up with way too much bullshit, and you’re still looking for excuses to put up with even more bullshit. I would block and delete this guy’s number.
It’s really hard as a girl, because the rules are different to know what to do, especially with shy weirdos.
So, you admit he’s a shy weirdo. Don’t waste your time with a shy weirdo.
I will do no contact from now on.
I would do no contact permanently and permanently walk away from this guy, because he’s a lunatic and he can’t fix that. You can’t work with that. It’s not your fault. It sucks that he’s screwed up, but your job is to make sure you spend your time with people who are easygoing, easy to get along with.
Despite the fact this guy was constantly sabotaging himself, as you can see, versus the “Unnecessary Romantic Self-Sabotage” video that I did yesterday, now you see it from a woman’s perspective. Despite all these fuck-ups, she’s still thinking, “Oh, I’m going to give this guy a chance. He’s really great, and he’s got his shit together.” No, he doesn’t. He doesn’t have his shit together.
This is not somebody you can have a healthy, happy relationship with, and you’re probably on some level thinking, “I can fix this guy. I can save him. I can help him be different.” And it’s just not your job. It’s not your responsibility. You want to find an equal, a teammate, somebody who’s at the same place, the same level in life, that you are and who’s emotionally stable. He said he’s a disaster, so that’s it. That’s the end of story. There’s nothing you can do with that. You can feel bad or sorry for him, but hey, it’s not your fault. He’s pathetic. It is what it is.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, Click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Women love men who are confident and in control of themselves and their emotions. This is called emotional self-control. Men who struggle with controlling themselves are extremely unattractive to women and cause women to not feel safe and comfortable in their presence. Women love submitting to and following the lead of men who are unperturbable and choose to be happy, despite the grumpy attitudes and sour disposition of others. Happiness is a choice, not a destination. You can either choose to be happy or choose to be miserable. The effort is the same for either one. Choose wisely.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne