Why men who lack emotional self control get dumped by their women when they’ve had enough.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for 6 years, but only read my book 3 times. He got dumped about 6 months ago after a 2-year relationship. He told her he wasn’t ready for marriage for another 5 years. He didn’t pay attention to her attraction dropping after that, and then she picked a fight and broke up with him after telling him she no longer loved him.
He continued to lose it, get drunk and cause all kinds of drama and scenes in public for the next few months until he went no contact again. He hasn’t spoken to her in 2 months, but still says he can’t get over her and asks my opinion. It also appears she was having an affair with her boss. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I’ve got yet, believe it or not, another email from a guy who has been following me for a long period of time but only found the time to read 3% Man – the coaching manual that all of these videos are based upon helping people to implement – three times. When people don’t read the book and learn the fundamentals, and they try to cherry pick from videos, they’re not really overcoming their mindset and their unattractive behaviors. And so, as I say all the time, and I’ve been saying since I started this, you’ll get some attainable success, but you won’t be able to sustain it. And that’s what happened with this particular guy.
He says he’s been following me for six years, yet he only found the time to read the book three times. And more than likely, he’s probably read it mostly since he got dumped, (if I was a betting man, having done this for so long). People are just lazy. They look for the shortcuts to success. And so, what you’re going to see in here is they were together for about two years, and he just kind of slowly reverted back to his old behavior and his unattractive traits.
A big reason why I say read the book 10 to 15 times is because there are so many things that us guys do unknowingly, just because of the propaganda that’s in society. Whether it’s pressure from our social group or our peers, what we see in movies, what we see on TV, we are propagandized to be and act and behave in ways that are unnatural with our natural essences, our masculine and our feminine essence. And in this case, a guy who’s displaying a lot of unattractive behavior is going to turn his woman off, who he originally was able to attract with accentuating his attractive behavior.
But because he didn’t take the time to learn the material – and this stuff happens slowly, women fall in love slowly and they fall out of love slowly – guys like this that don’t take the time to learn the material and they think, “Hey, I’m getting laid all of the time, things are great, she loves me,” they don’t bother learning their relationship information that’s in the book. And then when they get themselves into trouble, it’s after they get dumped. Or like in this case, apparently his ex, before she dumped him, was being flirtatious with her boss. But we don’t have any confirmation of that, just some suspicions.
And on top of that, this guy just did not exercise any emotional self control at all. As soon as things started going sideways, he just completely lost it. He got drunk on multiple occasions, did stupid, inappropriate things, and then did it again. Goes no contact, then gets weak, breaks no contact, begs, pleads, just does all the things you’re not supposed to do, and this is what happens.
As Confucius said, “Success depends upon prior preparation, and without said preparation, there is sure to be failure.” And a lot of guys, just because people are lazy and they think there’s shortcuts to success when there’s not, they start doing well and they’re like, “I’m different. I’ve been following this guy six years. I thumbed through the book a few times. I’m different. I don’t need to learn it. Screw that guy with his shaved head on YouTube. I don’t need to listen to that. I’m special, I’m smart, I’m worth hundreds of millions of dollars,” or whatever it happens to be. “I was at the top of my class at Harvard,” or MIT, or whatever.
If you get into a relationship with a girl that pushes your buttons emotionally and you don’t undo your bad behaviors, you’re going to go back to them and you’re going to start displaying the same unattractive behavior that caused you all of the problems at the beginning, because that’s really all you know. You’ve got to remember, the longer you live, the more you’re emotionally anchored to unattractive ways of showing up in life.
I have read your book 3 times within the past 6 years, and it has helped me a lot.
Ten to 15 times. I say it for a reason, dude. Here you are, writing me yet another email like so many people that don’t listen. And then, after they’ve gotten dumped, they’re like, “Oh yeah, I’m going to get serious about that book.” It’s like, do it ahead of time. This is just so unavoidable.
Also, I enjoy watching your videos on YouTube, they are very helpful, so thank you.
Well, again, the videos are based on the assumption that you’ve read the book, and you know the material, and you’re trying to fine tune your approach and applying it. But when you read the book three times in six years, that tells me you’re lazy, and you’re not a serious student, and you’re just trying to cherry pick. And I say, It doesn’t work, don’t do it, but you’re doing it anyway, and you suffer the consequences. So, you brought it on yourself. You’ve got to take personal responsibility for your life. Everything in it is your fault.
I’ll try to summarize this. My girlfriend broke up with me about 5 1/2 months ago after 2 years, and since then I have been obsessing and cannot get over her.
Rejection breeds obsession, and most people, especially in a relationship like this, it’s typically going to take about a year and a half, most people on average, to get over that person where the emotional charge is gone. You can tell this guy still has a strong emotional charge, because it happened so fast and he ignored the signs. He got rejected. Rejection breeds obsession. But there’s also some things that he was doing before the breakup that, quite frankly, even if he did get back together with her, it probably would not last because those feelings he had before, feelings about settling down, having a family, having kids, all that stuff, he wasn’t ready for it. And that was where he really, truly was.
But as a woman, you know, in this particular case, this girl’s 31 years old. She can’t sit around and wait until she’s 40, 45 for him to go, “Okay, yeah, let’s have a family now.” She’s got a clock that’s ticking. And she signed up to follow his lead, because he demonstrated enough in the beginning of the relationship that he was a competent man. And you could tell by some of his responses and the things he does, he’s not really that competent. He was kind of posing, and reality caught up with him.
I have been working on myself since, working out, therapy, books, new clothes and car. I traveled, and dated, and slept with at least 15 girls, (some of which were really hot), and I still can’t get her out of my mind. I love her and I want her back but not sure if it’s possible anymore. I feel like I fucked up too much, especially more after the breakup. She was a 31-year-old, Russian, extremely hot and beautiful, educated, classy and she was my dream girl.
So, here’s where he goes sideways. And this just goes to show that he was lazy and wasn’t really focusing on his mission and purpose in life, just kind of floating through it. Meanwhile, she’s got a clock that’s ticking.
Five months before she broke up with me, she asked me if I wanted to move in with her and where I saw us in 5 years, and I gave her all the wrong answers.
Again, he didn’t know the book, didn’t have his life in order. So, he’s acting like he’s still a teenager trying to figure himself out. I mean, you’re in your early thirties now, dude. I knew what I wanted when I was a teenager, and I was getting after it. I accomplished a lot in my twenties and this guy just kind of floating along in life, “Oh yeah, I’ll figure that out one of these days.”
Women want a competent man that knows what he wants, that has a big vision for his life that she can get excited about and get behind. So, when she asks him about moving in together and where he saw them in five years, he’s like, “Uhhh, I don’t know, I want to play some video games.” That doesn’t sound like a man who’s ready to lead his woman and his family. That sounds like a little boy that’s wants to hang out and still act like he’s a teenager.
I told her I was not ready, I didn’t want to move in with her yet, and I was not sure if I wanted to marry anyone until I’m closer to 37-38 years old, (I was 32 at the time).
Yeah, if you’ve got a 31-year-old girlfriend and you’re saying that to her, you’re basically like, “I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I don’t know what I want to be when I want to grow up.” I mean, that’s just the opposite of what’s in the book. But again, he didn’t really read it and pay attention to learn the material, so he acts like a child and gives her a childish answer when she’s asking him something serious after two years together.
After that conversation, she started getting cold and distant and slowly made herself ready for the breakup, and I ignored all the signs and her attraction level dropping.
So this is where the lack of emotional self control comes in. This is how little boys act anyway. They they just lose it. Have you ever seen a little boy throw a temper tantrum, kicking his feet on the floor and pounding his fists on the floor when his mom says he can’t have what he wants in the grocery store, or whatever it is, a toy he wants her to buy him? That’s basically how he’s behaving.
Until one day after she was pushing my buttons and us getting into a fight…
Meaning, in other words, him completely losing it.
…she said she doesn’t love me anymore and she broke up with me. I was shocked and didn’t know what to do, and I started begging her not to leave me.
Very masculine, there.
I know! WRONG! Side story: I saw her sending a selfie to her boss while we were together and we had a big fight about it.
Yeah, she was lining up her options. She was preparing to monkey branch, because she asked you where you were going, what your life was about, and you just shrugged your shoulders and said, “I just want to pretend like I’m still a teenager, even though I’m 31 years old. I’m a grown ass man not ready to act like a man yet.”
And I thought maybe she’s having an affair with her married boss, but I know she’s not that type of girl.
Are you sure about that? She’s looking to monkey branch. She wants babies and she wants a family, and you just basically told her there was no way you were that guy. And that’s the truth. That’s really where he was at in his life. So, quite frankly, even if he did get back together, he’s still not in the mindset or the frame of mind that he’s ready to lead her and have a family with her.
And she’s recognizing that her time is running out. She’s already given this guy two years of her life, and he’s basically still acting like an adolescent and not sure what he wants to do with himself. These are not things that are going to attract a woman to a man. Especially as a woman gets into her late twenties and early thirties, she doesn’t want a little boy. She wants a man that can lead her.
Since the breakup, I’ve made so many mistakes, big fuckups. I begged her when she wanted to break up with me. Two weeks after the breakup, we met for dinner and I asked her to come back, but she said no. Again, I begged her, which made it worse.
Doesn’t sound like this guy read the book at all. Or maybe he read it after he got dumped.
After that, I went on “no contact” for a month, then I broke the no contact, (which was so wrong), then again went on no contact, until she messaged me on my birthday after 2 months.
I would have just simply made a date and followed what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” Again, he’s wasn’t even getting prepared. He wants to get his girl back, but he does nothing to prepare. She calls him and you can tell he’s just not following what’s in the book or “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” because he’s just lazy and winging it.
Two days after that, I called her and I set a date with her for the following weekend. The day comes and she tells me she’s sick. I called her right away. She was sick, and I rescheduled it with her for the following weekend. After the phone call, I went and dropped off some medicine for her at her lobby, which was another mistake. She sent me a text saying thanks with a high five.
This is where he, again, loses it.
For some reason, her response…
“Some reason”… it’s because you’re immature, dude. You don’t have any emotional self control. You didn’t follow what’s in the book. You react how you see people reacting on TV, because you think that’s normal. That’s what happens when you watch what’s on TV and movies all of the time, especially when you watch the news. If you look at what’s happened over the last six years, especially since Trump ran and got into office, the people in the news just act nuts. They act bizarre, emotionally irrational, emotionally immature, and they say all kinds of things that are absurd and ridiculous.
When you’ve got people that believe the news and trust the news, and they see their news anchors basically losing their shit on air, they adopt that physiology, they adopt that mindset, they adopt that, “Oh, this must be appropriate for the response.” And so, what happens is you get very emotionally insecure, and immature people losing it, just like this guy loses it here. Masculinity is calm, a charming James Bond. Would you think James Bond would ever behave like this?
…made me kind of angry, as I was expecting more than that. I was also very hungover that day and was feeling super emotional.
So, again, this is the opposite of masculinity. You were acting like an emotionally insecure little girl, not a man – like a big man baby.
I called her 2 hours later, telling her I love her and want her back, and she said no, but she’ll think about it before we meet.
Which usually means no.
During this week, I met her boss at an event, and he said some things to me which suggested that probably my suspicions about the affair were right. I sent her an angry text and told her to never contact me again and blocked her from Instagram. A week later, I ran into her at a bar. I was drunk and I approached her trying to ask her about this, and she refused to talk to me.
I wonder why. Because you had constantly demonstrated that you did not have the emotional maturity to have a conversation like that, especially when you’re drunk. And notice what happens next…
I almost got into a fight with her best friend’s boyfriend, she left the bar crying, and that was the last time I had any contact with her. It’s been over 2 months now. I don’t know if she has cheated on me or not.
Well, she looked like she was definitely lining somebody up, or talking to a married guy, so it calls into question her character.
But I just don’t think it’s in her character to do such a thing.
Well if it looks like a duck, it sounds like a duck, and it walks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
I do want her back and can’t stop thinking about her.
Why? You told her you weren’t ready to get married until you’re almost 40, or to have a family. Or you said you didn’t even know if you wanted that anymore. Why would she want to wait for four or five years for you to figure out your life for you just to go, “Yeah, I’ve thought about it. I don’t want to have kids or a family.” What is she supposed to do then, when she’s almost 40? Come on.
I don’t know If I should send her a message to apologize for accusing her, or not. Any suggestions would be appreciated as to how to get her back after all these fuckups or if you think there’s any hope at all.
Thank you and Happy Holidays to you.
I would say there’s probably not. But if we take a step back, if we were to go into a time machine to a few months before the breakup happened, that’s how you really were, what you really thought about the relationship. And that was, you didn’t want to move in with her, and you weren’t interested in marriage or children or a family, at least with her. That’s the honest truth. That’s where you were at then.
The only reason you want her back now is because you’re obsessed over her, because she dumped you and your ego’s hurt. And even just looking at how you’ve reacted since you got dumped, it doesn’t seem like you’ve done anything to improve your your knowledge gap, because your behavior seems like it got worse after you broke up.
You said you got back to going to the gym and taking care of yourself. You got a new car, you got a new wardrobe, and everything, but that’s just outward appearances. You haven’t really changed your internal state. And if you don’t change this behavior, even if you attract the next girl, you’re going to do the same thing and turn her off for the same reasons.
You’ve got to figure out what you want, why you want it, and then resolve to make it happen, create a plan to make it happen, and execute your vision for your life. Life doesn’t just happen. It doesn’t just fall in your lap. You’ve got to get after it. You’ve got to take action. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue. And it just looks like you’re sitting here waiting for the perfect opportunity to just fall in your lap.
When you behave that way, she leaves the bar, doesn’t want to talk to you, you’ve told her never to contact you again, and you behave that way, all you have demonstrated since the breakup is that you’re becoming more emotional, more irrational, more immature, and you’re constantly having meltdowns to the point where it’s really not even safe to be around you anymore. Because you may be drunk and intoxicated and think you’re Mike Tyson now, “I’m going to take take everybody on!” I mean, that’s absurd.
Plus, look at the fact that she did reach out. Obviously, if she reached out on your birthday she was hoping maybe potentially she could talk to you again, but what about the thing with the boss? Are you just going to ignore that? Are you going to get back together with her when something potentially happened with the boss? He doesn’t elaborate on what the boss told him, but obviously he walked away from the conversation with the boss thinking that the boss had been sleeping with his girl, and he doesn’t trust her, and he hasn’t heard anything from her. So, me personally, I wouldn’t call her or text her again for any reason at this point. Especially with the way he’s behaved, I don’t think she’d want another chance.
And honestly, why would you want to waste any more of this girl’s time? You’ve already told her you don’t want to live with her. You told her you don’t want children or any of that, at least until you’re 40, and she can’t wait that long. So, why would you want to take up her window that’s closing, just so you can waste your life and play video games, or go right back to being half asleep in your life?
Women want a guy that can lead them. So, what you need to be focused on is getting your life, and your mission, and your purpose together, and figure out what it is you want, and don’t try to waste this girl’s time. Because before you broke up, you didn’t want anything to do with a future with her. I mean, you’ve been together two years, and you didn’t want to live with her? It’s like, it’s time to move on.
And what happened was she recognized that, and she was at least the mature one to end it. When you love somebody, you want them to be happy, even if it’s not with you. And your words and your actions communicate that you’re not interested in giving her what she wants. And the only reason you’re even entertaining it right now is because you got rejected, and rejection breeds obsession.
So, like I said, guys, in your situation, because I’ve been in this situation, you get dumped, then you eventually get the girl back that dumped you, and then all of the things that turned you off in the beginning that caused you to stop putting your best foot forward, they’re still there. So, it’s not like you’re going to stop doing them. You’ll just go right back to it. And then a year from now, you’ll be in the same place. And now you’ve wasted another year of her life and your life. It’s not fair to her or to you.
The masculine thing to do, the honorable thing to do is to let her go, so she can move on and find somebody. Maybe the boss. Well, the boss apparently is married, so, I mean, that’s not good for her character if she’s willing to try to break up a marriage to be with a guy. So, it doesn’t sound like she was that high of a quality woman or a prospect anyway. Anyway, those are my two cents.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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