Mindset: Why Men Should Never Try To Get An Ex Back

The proper mindset change needed to attract an ex back after turning them off and ruining attraction.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email update from a viewer who I answered a previous email for in a video newsletter where he was trying to get an ex-fiancé back. He finally had an epiphany on the mindset change he needed to make.

Now, instead of trying to attract her back, he is finally becoming the type of man he needs to be that attracts women in general, including his ex. Now, his life is full of new women who are trying to win him over, instead of the other way around. He has choice with women. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

About 80% of the guys that come to me, typically, they’re showing up because something went sideways with either their girlfriend, or their wife, or a girl they were starting to date that they were hoping to get serious with. And it’s typically issues where they’ve displayed unattractive behavior that’s turned the woman off to the point where they’ve lost all romantic attraction for them.

And so, a big part of what I’m teaching guys, and I go through in 3% Man, is what are the behaviors that a man exhibits that cause women to not only be attracted to him, but to pursue him; to call him more, to chase him more, to try to convince him to choose her over all of the other potential women that he has to date and potentially sleep with. And because these guys have come to me, they are in a situation where the girl has a loss of attraction, and when the attraction is not there, women operate based upon what they feel for a guy.

They don’t care how much a good guy you are or what a nice guy you are, or that you change their car oil, or rotated their car tires, or unclogged their toilet. All they care about is how they feel about you. And in 80% of these cases, when the guys are first showing up, what’s happened is they’ve displayed a lot of behavior that’s caused the woman to lose their feelings of attraction for them. And so, what we’re trying to do is not necessarily get them to get the ex back, but it’s to create the conditions where not only the ex but other women in close proximity to this guy naturally feel attracted to this guy and then start making an effort to get noticed by him.

So, this particular email I’ve got is apparently the second one I’ve answered for this guy. In the original email, I kind of remember, it seems like it was probably in the last 6-8 months, he was engaged, plus there were some other issues. And one of the things I always assume is that we’re dealing with a normal, healthy woman. So, there’s a caveat there. We’re assuming in these emails that the woman is normal and healthy. But, obviously, if she’s displaying a lot of toxic behavior, or narcissistic behavior, or she’s gaslighting the guy, or she just belongs to the streets, I’m going to call that out and point that out.

But for this particular example, this guy had caused his fiance to lose attraction. And so, I think he was laying in bed with her after they were kind of starting to hook up again, and some other dude that she was seeing, she had kind of pushed him away and said, “I’m going to try again with my former fiance.” And so, he’s had an epiphany since that original email, because as I pointed out, if you’re the one that got dumped, if the woman unilaterally change the terms of the relationship, then she’s got to do 100% of it to convince you that she deserves a second chance.

And what he mentions is I pointed out in the previous email that even though he was doing 5% on some level, he’s still giving the vibe that he’s trying to get her attention and approval, when she was the one that broke up with him. So, whoever messes it up is the one that’s got to fix it and convince the other one that they made a mistake and give them another chance. And so, since that email, he’s had an epiphany. Not only is he seeing the ex-fiance, but there’s a lot of other women that are paying attention to him, and this is where you want to get to. And getting the ex back then really just becomes a side effect of the mindset shift that a man needs to have to always display this attractive behavior.

This will help you in all your relationships. It’ll help you with your mom, with your sisters, your female coworkers, the grumpy woman that you’re dealing with in the grocery store, whatever it happens to be. And most importantly, in your professional life as well. You’ll exude that confidence and that vibe of somebody who is worthy of your demands and the things that you want. People will want to be your ally, just because they feel good in your presence. It’s always nice when you constantly meet people and they want to help you. People typically will help you when they like you and they respect you. So, anything that we can do to influence that behavior makes life easier in not only our personal life, but our professional life as well.

Viewer’s Email:

Corey,

In your video response, you said a couple of things that were right on. I was trying to re-attract my ex-fiancé back after 12 months of being separated. I told you she was doing 95% of the pursuing, and you said that me doing even 5% of the pursuing was a mistake.

Yeah, because it was unilateral. She ended it, therefore she’s got to fix it. And so, what guys often make the mistake of in these situations is, the woman starts coming back and pursuing, and they try to speed up getting back together by pursuing her as well. And oftentimes, the woman will back up when she feels that and start pursuing less, and then the guy pursues more. And then, the next thing you know, he’s back to doing 100% of the pursuing, she’s making no effort. And then you start hearing, “I’m confused. I’m not sure,” and all of the opposite things that you want to hear if you’re trying to attract the girl back.

You said my attitude should be “let her win me back… may the best girl win.”

Exactly. In the old movies, in the 1940s, 1950s, that’s what you saw. Women were always trying to win over the most eligible bachelor, the best guy that they could get.

You picked up on it. I chewed on it for a week and realized how dumb it is “try to get your ex back.”

Yeah, she should be trying to win you back. You’re going to give her the benefit of the doubt, you’re going to give her the opportunity to win you back over, but at the end of the day, when somebody unilaterally ends the relationship, refuses to work on things, refuses to give you another chance, if you will, and pushes you away, then you walk and never look back. And the only way they’re going to get another chance is if they come after you and realize that they made the mistake. And then, they’ve got to do all the pursuing. They’ve got to show, consistently, that they want you back and they’re going to make the effort to show you that they deserve another chance.

It could be a semantic element of this that I’m hung up on, but maybe it’s better to re-frame the conversation. I read something about separating the need/want from the person. Meaning, what I wanted was a beautiful, smart, affectionate woman that had a high level of physical attraction to me, similar values and lifestyle.

It’s like I say all the time, focus on your outcome. Your outcome is a great girl to have a relationship with, and the ex just happens to be one of the prospects who is competing for your attention. Because, again, she’s the one that dipped. She’s the one that didn’t want to continue on. Therefore, the onus is on her to prove to you that she deserves your time and your attention and you potentially giving her another chance at being your girl.

Do I care if it’s my ex or somebody else? No, not at all. I just like spending time with beautiful women that are into me.

It’s a lot more fun to be on dates with girls that really like you and make it easy, versus a girl you really like, and you’re hoping that she’ll start to really like you, because then it’s a drag. You can feel that you’re making more of an effort than she is in return.

It’s fun and it’s fulfilling. So, if I focus on my purpose and creating the life that’s likely to attract what I’m looking for, I’ll find a woman that fits that bill eventually. My ex suddenly became very unimportant. 

Exactly, because now he’s focused on his purpose in life. He’s got his purpose and his mission for his professional life, and his mission and purpose for his personal life is to attract a good woman. And the ex is just one of the many candidates that he has available to him. That’s the mindset you want to have. Because, again, she was the one who blew it up. She was the one that pushed him away. She’s got to fix it, therefore.

Something has clicked for me. I started seeing an amazing woman while I was seeing my ex, and we’ve been having a blast together. I was on a date recently only to meet a better woman halfway through the date, so I politely bailed on the first and ended up taking the second one home that same night.

Oh, nice. That’s the kind of thing that happens when you really learn the book backwards and forwards. You just pick up on the signals, you pick up on the interest. You’ve got a better connection with this girl that you meet when you’re out. You politely end the date with the other one that just wasn’t going so well. And now, you spend your evening with somebody who really wants to be there and, quite frankly, who you really want to be there with her.

It’s a lot more fun that way, instead of trying to get a chick who’s not that into you to change her mind, or to go out on a bunch more dates, and hoping that over time it’ll grow. You can do that, but it’s a lot more fun when they really like you a lot from the start. And plus, when you click, it’s just a lot easier to carry on a conversation. You want something that’s easy and effortless, not something that feels forced, or like you have to work a lot, or that you’re putting in way more effort than she is.

I met a beautiful girl for coffee yesterday at 4:30 pm. We ended up going to three different places, and the date lasted until 1:00 am.

Notice, he’s meeting her for coffee at 4:30 in the afternoon. Now, normally I wouldn’t be going to coffee, but something like this, if he doesn’t know her that well, a coffee is an easy way to see how the conversation goes. Maybe he met her online. Maybe he had 5 minutes to talk to her while he was checking out his groceries, or whatever, so he really didn’t have much time to establish rapport. But she seemed interested, so he makes a coffee date, because it’s inexpensive and it’s easy to dip out.

And for me, if I go out and I blow $100-140 bucks on a couple of drinks or dinner, it’s not a big deal to me, but I understand, for a lot of guys, that’s just not their situation. And so, a drink or a cup of coffee is a very inexpensive way to spend some time with somebody to see if they’re deserving of your time and your attention. And since it’s later in the afternoon like that, at 4:30 p.m., It can easily roll into drinks and then into dinner. And then at 1:00 a.m., you find yourself deep inside her?

I find myself with multiple options on weekend nights, having to decide who I’d rather see and making a couple of dates during the week.

This is called having choice.

The conversation flows for hours, and I’m amazed at how many amazing women I’ve been meeting these last 6 weeks. 

All because of a mindset shift.

So, I don’t think we should be trying to get our exes back but trying to attract the woman that we want. If it’s my ex, great. If it’s somebody else, that’s equally great.

Well, like I’ve been saying for years since I started, you’ll either attract the ex back or you’ll attract somebody better, hotter, easier going, easier to get along with, and way more fun to be around.

But let’s separate the want from the person. Or, as you say, “May the best woman win.”

Very thankful for the help. It took me a while to understand it. 

Bob

And that’s why I continually do these, because I might have to talk about an issue in ten different videos, because a guy’s watching it, and it’s like the 10th one just clicks. Because maybe that guy’s situation was a little more similar to his and the others. Or, just hearing me talk about something over and over in different ways, eventually, boom, something clicks and he gets it. He makes the mindset change. And once the mindset changes, the actions and the vibe will follow.

And like I said, this guy went from, “Man, I hope I can get my ex-fiance back,” to “Let’s see what else is out there.” And with him having all of these choices and all of these options, now he’s in the place where these women literally have to try to win him over, and he gets to make the selection as to who he’s going to stay with. Or, he may just decide to stay single until he finds somebody that just absolutely knocks his socks off.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.