The importance of success mindsets, modern forms of monogamy in relationships and marriage, and why some men are choosing to forgo relationships altogether and join groups of men who are going their own way, or MGTOW.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a guy who is so focused on blaming other people for his lack of success with women, he is unable to see how his game is not working and what he needs to do instead to achieve the success he really wants and deserves. He has become stuck and frozen his ability to become any better with women because of the limiting story he has created about himself and how women feel about him. The second email is from a guy who asks my opinion on the movement MGTOW, or Men Going Their Own Way, who have given up on dating and participating with women in any kind of romantic way. The have exiled themselves from the land of women. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the bodies of their emails:
First Viewer’s Email:
I hope you are well. I’ve been following your work for 22 months, have read your book 12 times and listened to your audiobook twice. It’s fantastic, and I have improved a lot with my own inner issues and my ability level. However, I wanted to ask you about a situation I currently have. (I think it’s great you’ve read the book 12 times and listened to the audiobook twice. I get a lots of emails from guys who barely got through the first read, and they wonder why they’re struggling. When people struggle, it’s because they don’t know the material well enough, or they haven’t practiced it well enough. If you’re not practicing it, you’re not going to get better.)
At the New Year, I wrote down what I wanted to succeed in for the year, and one of them was to have a bulletproof mindset. Low and behold, in January I met a guy who became a good friend and who I go out with now weekly to bars and clubs. This guy is 6’ 4,” and is really good looking. The thing is, as much as I enjoy going out with him, he told me his other friends don’t go out with him because they can never get any girls when they are with him. I too have noticed this, but wanted to challenge myself, so I have continued going out with him.
“Achievers tend to believe that no matter what happens, whether it’s good or bad, they created it. If they didn’t cause it by their physical actions, maybe they did it by the level and tenor of their thoughts… If you don’t believe that you’re creating your world, whether it be your successes or your failures, then you’re at the mercy of circumstances. Things just happen to you. You’re an object, not a subject.” ~ Tony Robbins, from Unlimited Power, pages 75-76
However, Corey, this is totally insane! Girls stare at him all the time and grab his arm to talk to him. One time, he started talking to some girls, and two other girls that were hovering around us followed me around the club as I left him while he chatted to the group he had approached. (As I discuss in my article and video, “How To Get Women To Approach You First,” if your buddy goes off to talk to some other women, instead of following him around like a little puppy, stay where you are. You don’t need another person to go out and feel validated. You’re either a leader or a follower.) I thought, either these girls are following me because they are interested in me – or surely it couldn’t be because they know eventually my friend will come back to me, and they can then talk to him? (What are you looking for? What is your outcome for your desired life? You have to decide what you want. Sex is a very small part of any relationship. You want to hang out with somebody you actually like talking to and who likes talking to you. You need to be okay with dismissing some of these women, so you can talk to other women.) Another guy started talking to them, but as my friend came back, they began to hover again. I spoke to one of them and said my usual, (There should never be a “usual” anything. I don’t believe in any lines. You sound like a robot when you give it, it’s not authentic and it’s not from your heart. It sounds like cheesy ass pickup line that you memorized) “You’ve got an unbelievable body. What are you up to next week?” (Be original. Be different. Don’t be a fucking robot. You’re there right now. The idea is to create an opportunity for sex to happen.) She was a little hesitant, but gave her number. But immediately afterwards, she ignored me and started touching my friend’s arm, etc., flirting with him. (If somebody’s ignoring you or they’re not very enthusiastic, just say, “It was really nice chatting with you, but I’m going to get back to my buddy.” If somebody’s not exciting or compelling to you, why are you wasting your time talking to her?)
This kind of thing happens all the time. (When you keep getting results that are not working, there must be something wrong that you’re doing. When you keep failing and get the same experience over and over, you have to change what you’re doing. If you’re talking to an enthusiastic girl, you should keep talking to her. And if things are going really well, ask her to grab a table and chat so you can isolate her from the group. The purpose of seduction is to get closer and closer until you ultimately end up inside of a woman.) They are quite friendly with me, but it’s almost only so they can talk to him. (The moment you notice that, dismiss them and start talking to somebody else. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you will continue to get what you’ve always got. I think it’s time to change your approach.) I’m not a bad looking guy, but it’s almost like hanging out with a celebrity. It’s like I am a ghost. I think if he weren’t there, I would have a chance with some of them, but when he’s there, they only have their eyes on him. (Go out by yourself. You don’t need to have somebody with you. And bars and nightclubs don’t need to be the only place you go. Go out and enjoy your life and encounter women along the way.) It affects my inner belief, and I don’t have that same alpha center when this happens. He can just go to the guest list girl at the club and get in for free, just because they like the look of him. (You shouldn’t care what your buddy is doing. You’re blaming him on your lack of success, but really you’re not doing anything to help yourself. You have to be your own man. Women pick up on that. Do things that you love and enjoy, and you’ll meet other people as a side effect of that.)
My question is, how do you maintain self-belief and worthiness, when you are basically ignored when you go out with a guy that must be a 12/10 in these girls’ eyes?! (Stop focusing on your buddy, and start focusing on your outcome and what you want. You’re going to talk to women who are enthusiastic about talking to you. That should be what you’re practicing. Practice your conversation skills and asking questions. Don’t just stand there waiting for something to change. You have to be the leader and make something happen.) Because I go out with him weekly, it starts to grate on me and diminish my confidence level. (Go off and do your own thing. Talk to some other guys too.)
Thanks Corey. I’ve watched a lot of your videos, but have not seen a topic of this kind, so I thought it would be great to discuss.
All the best,
Monogamy And Open Relationship Stats
In regards to the next email regarding the Men Going Their Own Way movement, I wanted to discuss this YouGov poll, “Young Americans Are Less Wedded To Monogamy Than Their Elders.” It’s about the opening of American relationships. Universally, people don’t tend to like their partners having sexual activity outside of the relationship. When you look at the percentage of people who say, “well it depends on the situation,” with people who are 65 years and older, it’s 11%. What’s interesting is, with the age group of 18-44, 25% are cool with their significant other having sex with other people. In the age group of 65 and up, 21% have cheated on their significant other, and only 3% of those have done it with the consent of their partner. But in the 18-44 age range, 17% have done it with the consent of their partner. What that tells me is, open relationships have become more popular. People ask me why I haven’t gotten married, but I say, why? What is the reason to get married? I look at it as an outdated, old legal agreement.
Second Viewer’s Email:
Hello Coach Corey Wayne,
I am Bob, a Persian PhD student at University of Toronto, Canada and a fan of your YouTube videos and published Book, “How to Be a 3% Man.” I have read your book 4 times, and I am now on the 5th round. (It’s great that you’re doing all of this reading, but you have to practice. Going out and interacting with women is the only way you’ll get better.) I appreciate the time and effort you spent on the book on training young men to know the dynamic of healthy men-women relationships and marriages. (I’ve got all kinds of different clients that have all kinds of non-traditional ways of looking at the world, and marriage is a small portion of that to be honest. I’d say half of my clients want to get married or already are married, and the rest are everything in between.) I have applied parts of your book in my social interactions and have gotten some positive results. I do appreciate that. (As a coach, my job is to help you get what you want, not to tell you you need to have a certain type of relationship or certain type of label or be a certain way.) However, I think there is the fundamental social structural problem in applying your videos and book which is out of readers hands, (This is the story you tell yourself. I can tell you’re reading the book, but you’re not doing anything to interact with women. When you’re not good with women, and you don’t feel like you can date the kind of women you want, you tell yourself these kinds of stories, because that saves you from rejection, looking weird or getting laughed at.) The society and laws are controlled by and favored towards women. Women are the bosses, and men are the slaves. Period. (Again, that’s a belief system. That’s the way you look at the world. This is part of the story you’re telling yourself to keep from having to participate with women. That’s not really a solution, to not participate.)
A Man-Woman relationship has three outcomes:
1) Marriage (& Children): In this case, with No Fault Divorce Law in USA/Canada, the woman is the boss in the marriage, and the man is the slave to keep her happy, or else she can divorce him, with no fault ground, and take half of his income , kids and child alimony. (Marriage is a legal agreement, a binding arrangement, that has a significant impact on your net worth and your income. If you’re really successful and well-off, you need to know your downside risk. If you’re a rich guy, and it doesn’t work out, you’re going to be paying out of your ass.)
2) Unmarried Boyfriend-Girlfriend: In this case, the man in any moment is in the vulnerable position of being accused of sexual harassment and rape, and can be thrown into jail, merely by having a large amount of money to pay lawyers to get out. Example: Jian Ghomeishi, the famous CBC host. (There are a lot of bad pickup artists, but if you know how to apply the things I teach, women are going to love you, not loathe you.)
3) Depart: In this case, the man has spent money, emotions, time and energy on the relationships more than women. (If you go out with a woman with a good attitude, they’ll take you to dinner, buy you drinks or do nice things for you. The purpose of all relationships is that you go there to give. If you’re in a relationship and the girl isn’t contributing anything, then why are you in that relationship in the first place? It sounds like you’re in a relationship with someone who’s, in essence, a black hole. The idea is, you want an equal partnership, a teammate if you will. You should never put yourself in the situation where you put a woman on a pedestal and pay for everything.)
Now based on this cost-benefit analysis, the movement of single straight has been shaped and is getting momentum to boycott relationships with women, and instead, to invest in themselves and their own lives.
I will be thankful to dedicate one of your upcoming videos to MGTOW and its positive and negative aspects. (MGTOW is a bunch of men who have decided that the downside risk of dating and interacting with women is just too great, so they’ve chosen to abstain and not be involved with women, or from time to time to get hookers. Well, I like women and coach other men who like women, like interacting with them, and like having normal, healthy relationships. With anything in life, whatever you’re not good at, you have to work at it to become better. You can quit and give up. That’s more women for the rest of us. If your solution is to not participate, because it’s just too hard, and you want to be a quitter, well, okay. If that fulfills you, great. I’m all about teaching self-reliance, and I’m interested in helping people who want to learn from me and want to apply this stuff to get better. If it ain’t working for you, then obviously you need to change your approach. If you want to give up and say, “Fuck it. I don’t want to try anymore,” that’s not really a solution, but that’s your choice. But don’t complain when things don’t go the way you want. Don’t complain when you just kind of go with the flow in life and never go after what you want, because you think it’s somebody else’s responsibility. A lot of these guys seem to be waiting for things to change with women, and for women to come kick their door down to spend time with them, and then maybe they will start participating with them. You’re going to die an old, lonely person if that’s your attitude.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Life requires your participation in order to create the life and lifestyle you’ve always wanted. The moment you start blaming others for your current circumstances, you give up your ability to do anything to shape your destiny. Success is a process. In order to feel successful and happy, you must feel like you are making incremental progress towards creating your dream life. Successful people take action and they take full responsibility for everyone and everything that shows up in their lives. Unsuccessful people make excuses and blame others to absolve themselves from any personal responsibility for making their lives the way they want them to be. You either believe you are in control and responsible for your life and making it the way you want, or you are abdicating control and hoping that someone else does it for you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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