How to determine if you should move forward together or walk away for good if your romantic relationship is not progressing like you had hoped it would.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says he has read my book three times. He met a woman he really likes a year ago while visiting New York City. He is from California. He was a little too nice, and from what he shares, it sounds like he gave off too much of the friendship vibe in the beginning. On his second visit to NYC, he tried to turn their budding romance into a long-distance relationship. She told him she was not interested in a long distance relationship.
Four months ago, he found my work and changed his approach. On a recent visit to NYC to visit some friends of his, he did not tell her he was coming to visit. She saw he was there in NYC on his Facebook page and reached out to him. He made a date, hung out and finally hooked up with her. Three months later, it has not progressed as much as he would have liked. He asks if it’s possible to move forward together, or if it’s time for him to walk away. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I love and appreciate what you do. I’ve read the book three times in the last four months and continuing the march to 10 times! Repetition is the mother of skill!
Let’s get straight to it. I’ve developed strong feelings for a girl 3,000 miles away.
(People buy things, or people for that matter, based upon emotion, and they use logic and reason to justify their purchase. Way before you read my book, you had already sold yourself on this woman and what she meant for your life. You already have a built in bias when it comes to this girl, and that’s going to get in the way of being able to see reality for what it really is.)
I’m in California; she’s in New York. We met a year ago in NYC. The first time we met, it turned into a four-hour hangout. We hung out a couple more times in NYC and had a blast together. Then a week later, my cousin got married in DC and we hung out for the entire wedding, danced the night away, and stayed in touch for the next couple months until my next trip to NYC.
(I don’t hear any mention of kissing, going out on dates, no hanging out and hooking up. Obviously, this is before you knew about my book and my work.)
Admittedly, I made the wrong decision, and on that second trip I told her too quickly that I wanted to try the long distance thing and start visiting each other.
(You went from hanging out as buddies and pals with no physical kissing or moving things along, to ‘Hey, let’s do a long distance relationship.’ Women fall in love slowly over time. Instead of focusing on creating an opportunity for sex to happen, just like you see on TV and the movies, you went right for the relationship.)
In short, she reciprocated her feelings equally, but she was not down with exploring a long distance relationship.
(Yeah, because you jumped right in to basically saying, ‘You need to give up your freedom, and just be in a relationship with me.’ But you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. The mistake is, it’s not her idea. She goes from barely knowing you to, ‘I want to lock you down to a commitment.’ It’ll never end well. It doesn’t work that way in the real world.)
She is risk averse and very conservative,
(Notice the logic and reason. People will act consistently with how they view themselves to be, whether that view is accurate or not. You’re continuing to act consistently with how you have told yourself that this fantasy relationship is supposed to be. The only reason you’re not in a relationship is because she is “risk averse” and “conservative,” so you tell yourself. With attraction level, when a woman is head over heels in love with a guy, she’ll change her religion, she’ll leave her family, she’ll even leave her kids),
while I’m not afraid of risk and more moderate. After her rejection, I stepped back for a while and we kept in touch minimally.
(What that probably means is you stayed in touch too much, and it just didn’t go anywhere beyond friendship.)
Fast forward to March 2017, I made another trip to NYC to meet up with some old friends.
(Keep in mind, this is after you read my book. You extended the greatest gift you can give anybody, which is the gift of your time, and she was like, “Ehh.” So if you were going to New York, you weren’t going there for her. You did the right thing by just going and enjoying your life.)
I came back with a better game plan. I didn’t tell her I was coming.
(If you were to call her and tell her you were coming, you’d still be trying to force something. And if it’s not her idea, she’d be like “I’m busy. I’m sorry. Maybe next time.”)
She only found out because she saw on Facebook that I was in NYC.
(She’s wondering, “Why didn’t he get in touch? Did he meet somebody else? Does he have a girlfriend?”)
She immediately reached out to me, was so excited that I was in town, and told me to let her know when we could get together.
(That’s her idea to get together, so the odds are pretty good she’s going to make it easy for that to happen.)
I remained centered, waited a couple days, and planned a fun date in her city. She loved it. We had a blast and hooked up.
(You created an opportunity for sex to happen. Good job.)
We hung out one more time before I left. This time I didn’t give her any speech about my feelings or ask her for anything.
(Well, you already gave her something. The gift that you gave her was the gift of your time, so you did the right thing. Your job is to create the opportunity for sex to happen. The relationship stuff is the woman’s department. It takes time for those feelings to develop, over many weeks and months, usually 7 weeks if you follow exactly the plan that’s in the book.)
I was determined not to make the same mistake twice.
(Yeah, because you experienced a lot of pain and a lot of blue balls for a year. But you’ve still got her dude.)
The problem now is, where do I go from here?
(Well, you don’t go anywhere. You’ve got to focus on your outcome. If your outcome is a relationship, because you’re thinking this is your dream girl, you focus on creating the conditions where you can meet somebody that’s thinking the same things. This woman just happened to be a possibility who went cold on you a year ago, so it’s got to be her idea. She’s the one who pushed you away, so therefore, per “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” it’s got to be her idea to rekindle things. You have to let her come to you. She has to earn her chance to be with you, not the other way around. You already tried over-pursuing, and it got you blown off.)
I’m 35, she’s 31, and we want all of the same things in life.
(Again, part of your logic and reason. Always look at what people do, not what they say.)
At this age, it feels like there is more at stake.
(It’s just another girl dude.)
I don’t want to let this one go.
(That’s part of your problem. You have an unhealthy attachment. You’re not zen enough with this girl. You’re trying to force things. If you look at your past history with this girl, by forcing it, where has it gotten you?)
We both know that something real is there, but she’s afraid to act on it, and I’m not.
(It’s not that she’s afraid to act on it. You were trying to force it, and since it wasn’t her idea, that’s obviously why you haven’t seen her since then. If you’re dating somebody long distance that’s got a regular job and they only get a week or two off a year, you’re not going to see each other very much. For the most part, they’re going to be like a virtual acquaintance. That’s really not fulfilling.)
She’s everything I’m looking for in a woman,
(You haven’t been around her that much, so you can’t really say that. You’ve got to spend time in person to know somebody),
and I genuinely feel happy when I’m with her. I’ve never spoken this way about another person, which is why it’s hard to just let this one go.
(That doesn’t really matter. What’s important is, how does she feel about you? You’ve got to let women come to you dude, and I talk about that in the book. In this particular case, your pursuit of her is over. She has to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. Since you’ve already been there three times, it’s time for her to come see you. If she doesn’t want to come see you, then what’s the point?
Only ask her twice to come out and see you when she reaches out first, which is right out of “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” and if she still won’t make plans to come see you, then you’re just wasting your time at that point. Tell her to get in touch if she changes her mind. Either one of two things will happen, she’ll either bring up getting together, or she’ll stop calling altogether.)
She’s never been to California, so I’m thinking about inviting her to visit.
(Yeah, she needs to come see you for at least the next two visits. You want to kind of keep it even, where sometimes you go see her, and the next time she come to see you. But in this case, you’ve done all of the traveling.)
If she says yes, then great. And if she says no, then I think it’s time to let her go, and I need to verbally tell her that, so she’s knows it’s real and get my own closure. After all, the best negotiating position is being willing to walk away and mean it!
(At the point where you are, where there’s romance negotiation going on, she’s got to come see you. If she’s not willing to come see you, then she’s wasting your time. If she brings up you going to see her, tell her, “I’ve already been out there three times, so if you really like me, I want to see a mutual effort. I want to see you make the effort.”)
So my questions are, what is the best way to tell her I want to her to come visit?
(Wait for her to reach out. Stop pursuing this girl. You hooked up one time by following what my book teaches, then you went right back to the old strategy that was not working, so now you’re getting the same results. As they say, if you continue to do what you’ve always done, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always got. You’re continuing to get bull balls basically.)
And if she doesn’t accept the invitation, what’s next? Any other advice?
(Read my book. Make her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing, and make dates. She’s got to come to you. I would treat it as if there’s a low probability of success with her, and you’re probably not going to see her again, but if you do, it would be nice.
You’ve got to get some other options dude. You’ve totally focused on this one girl, and you’ve created an attachment to somebody who has not shown that she’s willing to make you a priority in her life. It’s time for this girl to reciprocate, and if she doesn’t, she’s out.)
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The object of romance is not a relationship. The object of romance is to have fun together. Having fun together leads to good feelings and an increase in sexual attraction. Increasing sexual attraction leads to a sharing of each other’s bodies and souls. Then separation and exploring freedom happens again until a mutual desire draws them together once more. A relationship happens as a natural byproduct of continuous and perpetual hanging out, having fun and hooking up. The masculine one provides the logistics, leadership, planning and execution of dates, while the feminine one opens up to receive love and is preoccupied with bonding, connecting, commitments and relationship labels that lead to a sense of security and comfort.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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