What to do if your girlfriend moves out and then moves in with another guy who she says is only a friend.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 23-year-old viewer who moved into a new place with his girlfriend after they spent the last year living at his parents’ house together so they could save money for their own place. Ten days later, she moved out because she said she no longer had the same feelings for him. She is now living with a male friend, who recently admitted that he had feelings for her, but she still claims that nothing has happened between them and she is sleeping on his couch only.
He wants her back, but only if nothing is really going on with the other guy, like she claims. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
What I like about this email is you could really see how a woman with no integrity is going to behave when she’s not happy. In this case, this is a classic example of monkey branching, and leaving out details, lying through omission, if you will. Because what you really try to determine – and not only in your intimate relationships, but the people that maybe you go into business with, or the people that are your close friends – are they loyal? Are they trustworthy? Are they honest? Can I take what they say at face value? Do they really mean it, or are they just BSing me? And obviously, if somebody is willing to lie to your face, there’s all kinds of other things they’re willing to do.
Hope this message finds you well. I appreciate all that you do for the community. You’ve really helped me through this tough time. I just recently found your work. My older brother told me about you after my breakup, (unfortunately, a little too late).
Well, the way I look at things like this in life is, what happened, and it couldn’t have happened any other way. It was the way it was supposed to be. The key is, what are you going to learn from it? How are you going to grow from it? How are you going to become better the next time around?
I’m on my second read of the book, and I’m learning new things every day!
Obviously, he’s talking about “3% Man.”
Onto my story. I’m 23 years old and my ex and I were dating for about 3 years. About 6 months into our relationship, we decided that she should move in with me while I’m away at school. (I only had 6 months of school left anyway.) After that, we moved into my parents’ house together for a whole year. This was definitely hard on the both of us, but we were communicating and getting through that time together.
We finally saved up enough money to move out and get our own place. We moved everything in, bought a new TV, etc. Ten days after we moved in, she hit me with the classic “I don’t feel the same way as I did before. I need to figure myself out and do what’s best for me right now.”
In other words, she’s saying, I lost attraction for you and I need to go figure out what I want. Obviously, it’s not him because she’s moving out. She’s not trying to grow the relationship or work things out. What it really sounds like, because obviously, we know what happens in the email, is that this other guy has been influencing her thinking. He’s been the one listening to her and fulfilling her emotional needs, because as you’ll see in a moment here, this guy kind of checked out, stop dating and courting her, and just didn’t make her feel heard and understood. And so, she repaid that by starting an emotional affair with her male coworker.
And, again, we’ve talked about this a lot. I’ve done many videos on this topic about male orbiters with the girls. And obviously, the girl is thinking, “It’s just a friend. This should be no problem, I have lots of male friends.” Things like this, us men, we know how other men are, and we know this little worm that she works with, he’s not interested in just being her friend. He wants to get in her pants, and he doesn’t care what he’s got to do to rip her off from the other guy. He’s willing to do it.
He’s probably seen too many movies that say, “Oh, she’s the one. You’re supposed to be together.” Now, there will be people that get into relationships like this through cheating, if you will, or monkey branching, and they live, for the most part, happily ever after, and they say, “Well, we were different.” But at the end of the day, for the overwhelming majority, what it reveals is a character flaw. It reveals a lack of integrity.
The number one, most important thing to man in a relationship is loyalty. But on the flip side of that, women will only put up with what they put up with for so long before they lose attraction and they dip. Women with integrity are going to just break it off and go their separate way. Women who belong to the streets are going to line up a replacement while you’re still with them and then monkey branch from you to that other guy at the right moment, like this girl is doing.
She also said there were some other things leading up to this, but she was hoping that having a place to ourselves would help.
Oh, she gave it a whole ten days.
My first reaction was just straight anger, because we just moved into our new place…
I assume you both signed a lease, so legally, she has to pay her portion of the lease if she wants to move out, hey, that’s on her. But typically, with the apartment community, if she doesn’t pay her half, they come after you anyway, just because you’re both on the lease. So, whoever’s got the deepest pockets is who they go after.
…and things were finally starting to look up!
Or, so you thought.
So, in the moment, I didn’t want to say too much.
Well, that’s probably better to do that anyway, because he didn’t see it coming, like most dudes. He knew things weren’t going great, but he thought, “Hey, we got our own place. Now, things will get a lot better. We’re out of my parents house.”
A couple days later, when I was a little more level-headed, (and had started reading your book), I asked to talk to her again. I explained to her that I know it’s too late, but I do understand the things that I wasn’t doing well. I stopped dating her, and just got too comfortable, and expected sex from her because we were dating. We used to have sex 3-4 times per week, but near the end, I was lucky to get 1 time per week.
Yeah, you could tell in the end, with that kind of mentality, “Oh, I was only getting it once a week,” that tells me he’s constantly trying to seduce his girl, and she’s not having it because she wasn’t feeling it. She had lost attraction, and he didn’t realize it. Plus, there’s this other guy in the background that’s interfering.
When I asked her about it before the breakup, she always just said she was too tired or “not in the mood.” When in reality, I now know I just stopped dating her and turning her on like I used to.
It happens to a lot of guys. For the overwhelming majority of men, this is their experience. It’s just, when you do this, the real character, or lack thereof, of the woman you’re with comes out.
While we were dating, she had a guy friend from work that she was hanging out with.
Yeah, you live with your girlfriend, and she’s going out and hanging out one-on-one in the evenings with the “he’s just a friend.” He’s technically a “friend” until sex happens. Until he ends up inside of her, he’s “just a friend.” That’s how a woman like this bends reality to match her worldview.
Which I was okay with, because I met him once and girls are allowed to have guy friends.
Well, if you’re in a relationship, your girlfriend or your wife should not be going out and having one-on-one happy hours or dinners with a single dude. That’s just a fact of life. And women who, in essence, want to go out on a date with another guy in the evening, and you’re just supposed to sit there and take it, they belong to the streets.
About 2 months before we broke up, she came to me and said that her work friend said he had feelings for her and tried to kiss her.
Oh, I’m so shocked. This is exactly why us guys do not want our girls going out with single men, in the evening, by themselves, with drinks or dinner. It’s not that we don’t trust you, typically. It’s that we don’t trust these other guys. This other guy does not care that you are her boyfriend. He just wants to get in her pants, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to rip her off from you. That’s the bottom line.
And, you know, that’s why a lot of guys that do stuff like that, I won’t say a lot, but some of them, they end up paying with their lives for it. Because there are plenty of men in the world that don’t appreciate you trying to rip off their wives or their girlfriends, especially when they have kids with them. You end up with what’s called the “Hialeah divorce.”
I replied with, “so you need to cut this guy off and not talk to him anymore, because we are dating.”
It’s like, “You’re my girlfriend. We live together.” But, you know, they were together two years. I guess she’d been friends with this guy for a year or two, however long it happened to be, so it wasn’t something new. He didn’t feel threatened, because she was like, “He’s just a friend. There’s nothing going on. Don’t get so jealous. You’re so insecure about yourself. I can’t believe you’re jealous of him. We’re just friends from work. There’s nothing to it.”.
She agreed to do so, but between then and our breakup…
So, she lied.
…I saw a couple of texts from him on her phone. (I didn’t look to see what they said, but I do know they were texting.)
Probably lots of inappropriate things. How do I know? Well, women vote with their feet. If they’re with you, they voted for you. And if she’s “couch surfing” at his place, she’s with him.
I feel like at the end of our relationship she was almost “emotionally cheating” on me.
Yep, she absolutely was. She lined up your replacement. And, see, this is the way she absolved herself from any personal responsibility for what she was doing, “Hey, he’s just a friend.” Because technically, his penis hadn’t been inside her yet. And then he tries to kiss her, because she’s out again, and probably “not a date, just a friendly drinks and dinner.” And she’s complaining about you and what you’re not doing, and so he’s thinking, “This is my chance.”
He makes a move, she feels guilty about it, because at the end of the day, deep down, she knew she was on a date with this guy, and she was test driving to see what it’s like if it doesn’t work out. This is why us men do not like it at all when our girl wants to go and hang out with a guy. “He’s just a friend. There’s nothing going on. It’s just a friend.”
She said she had a hard time sharing her emotions with me, but then she would tell this other guy everything.
Yeah, he was opening her up. So, you basically became part of her Frankenstein boyfriend project. You were the guy that she was living with and sleeping with, sometimes, and the other guy was the emotional tampon. He was the guy that made her feel heard and understood. And so, he formed an emotional bond with her, while you were still in a relationship.
Obviously, the texting and the hanging out together was probably going on a lot more than you suspected, because you’re young and you’re naive and you’re inexperienced. You get to wake up to the harsh reality of life.
She’s the one who ended it with me, so I used your walk away strategy.
So, he’s talking about “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
I said, “I don’t want to be friends, I want to be in a relationship, so text me if you change your mind.” It’s a little harder in my situation, because we just moved in, so she still has to come and move stuff out.
Yeah, she’s got to pay you her portion of the rent. If she’s on the lease, she’s legally obligated to pay that, and she’s going to need to do that. She can’t just dip and stiff you with the bill. That doesn’t work that way. Legally, it does not work that way. But the apartment community, well, they don’t care. They just care that they get their money. And so, if you pay but she doesn’t pay her portion, they’ll wreck both your credit.
She’s texted me once since the breakup, just to see when I was at work for her to come grab her stuff.
Probably so she could bring the other dude over with her to help her.
So, for now I’m living in our new place, and as she said, “I have other places I can go stay for now.” I asked her where she’s going to stay to make sure she actually does have a safe place.
You’re too much of a nice guy, dude. See, this is why they say nice guys finish last. You get treated like a doormat, and she’s going to stay with her “guy friend” from work. Oh, God, I’m so surprised. This is so surprising.
And she said she’s going to stay with her guy friend from work. She also said they are still just friends, and all they do is talk and listen to music.
And, apparently, she sleeps on the couch.
Do we believe this? Do we think that’s legit? She could have slept anywhere at any of her girlfriends’ house, but this male “friend,” she’s sleeping on his couch – the guy who tried to kiss her, the guy who she opens up to about everything.
My question to you is, I want to ask her if she is sleeping with this guy or not.
She’s probably not going to be truthful with you, but the bottom line is she’s no longer living with you, she’s living with him now. And she comes to your place, what used to be the place you had together, when you’re not there to gather her more of her stuff up, probably with the other dude in tow.
I just want to know, so I can have some closure, I guess. Because if she is sleeping with this other guy, then I’m completely done with this girl, she’s out of my mind.
Well, let me save you the trouble. She belongs in the streets! She’s out.
But as of right now, she’s still in the back of my head every single day.
Well, rejection breeds obsession. But at the end of the day, you could have seen this coming. Because, when women know a guy from work and they say, “He’s just a friend. Oh, he said something so funny the other day. I don’t really like his girlfriend. I don’t like the girl he’s dating. She’s not right for him.” When you hear stuff like that, that’s not good.
We were also best friends.
Really? No, you weren’t, dude. You delusionally think you were best friends. You’re supposed to be lovers, not pals.
So, I want her to know that she fucking hurt me, and you shouldn’t do this type of thing to a friend!
Well, you’re supposed to be your lover, not her friend, dude. What kind of thinking is that?
She could go stay at any of her girlfriends’ places, but she chose his, knowing exactly what it would do to me.
Thanks for your help!
That’s because this has nothing to do with you, man. It has everything to do with what she feels. She feels attraction for this other guy, because when you weren’t paying attention, he flew in under the radar. Remember, “He’s just a friend.” And you met this guy once. But meanwhile, his whole plan has been to steal your girlfriend the whole time. And he’s basically been her surrogate, emotional tampon and boyfriend when you weren’t taking care of business.
And so, where does she go when she moves out? She goes to the friend. So, she’s taking the intimacy that she had with you, and she’s replacing it with intimacy with this guy. The fact that she’s there, “Oh, I’m just sleeping on the couch,” that might be true, but she might have left out the part that, “Oh, well, we were having sex on the couch, but I slept on the couch.” She’s leaving other parts of the story out, so she’s lying through omission.
I wouldn’t trust this girl as far as I can throw her. She’s a liar, she’s devious, she’s a snake, and so is the scumbag that she’s hanging out with. I mean, that’s just rude. You were literally living at your parents’ house, and this whole time this worm has been trying to get in her pants, smiling to your face, shaking your hand, when in reality, he has absolute contempt for you and he’s trying to steal your girl. And it pretty much looks like he was successful.
So, at the end of the day, she belongs to the streets. This hoe ain’t loyal to nobody. You know, this is going to create a lot of problems for her in her life as it goes forward, but that’s her problem. She’s not loyal, she’s not worthy. If you want a real relationship, it ain’t going to be with this whore. Sorry, that’s just the harsh reality. And you have to learn this stuff when you’re young. You’ve got to learn who you can trust and who you can’t trust.
Any woman that’s going to maintain a friendship with a guy that she can tell – women can tell, they act stupid and naive at times and like, “oh, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” but the reality is they know – they know, deep down, this guy wants to get with them. And this is why they just go, “It just kind of happened.” It just kind of happened because she constantly put herself in a position with this other guy to where it could “just happen.” And now, she is living with him and no longer living with you.
And so, everything that she told you, moving in together, all that stuff, she signed that lease, and it doesn’t matter what a good guy you are. It doesn’t matter that you bought a new TV together. It doesn’t matter that she got to know your parents and lived in their home for a whole year. While you were living in your home together at your parents house, she was creating a relationship, or I should say, she gave a green light to this other guy to keep pursuing her.
And then, you move into your new place. Again, she doesn’t care what a good guy you are, doesn’t care about the fact it’s a one-year lease. The only thing she cares about is what she feels, and what she feels is she feels closer to this other guy. And so, I wouldn’t believe anything that she’s saying. The bottom line is she left, she moved in with him, she broke it off. And if I was you, I’d cut all contact.
Tell her she needs to pay her rent to the property management company and go talk to them, and “you’re going to pay your half of it.” But I wouldn’t give this girl another chance at all, because she’s a hoe and she belongs to the streets. She’s not loyal, she’s a liar, she’s a scumbag. She’s gum on the bottom of your shoe.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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