Moving On From Dumping My Girlfriend Who Constantly Disrespected Me

Things to consider if you’re having a hard time moving on from a disrespectful ex.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email update from a viewer who dumped his disrespectful girlfriend of a year. She was the hottest woman he’d ever been with and they had many things in common. However, he’s having a hard time moving on because after numerous breakups due to her bad behavior, he still has hope she will change despite the fact she never followed through on those promises before. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Moving On From Dumping My Girlfriend Who Constantly Disrespected Me”.

Well, this is an email update from a Video Newsletter I did, I think it was back in December. He said it was December 7th actually, and the title of that was, “She Loves Me, But Explodes In Anger When She Feels Wronged. Is It Fixable?” So this guy’s 34. He’s been a student for six years. He’s ingrained the principles in 3% Man because he’s been a good student in his brain.

And so he’s 34, was dating a 35 year old, he says, basically the hottest girl he’d ever dated. However, she’s got a bad relationship with her dad, so she was very difficult to deal with to the point where she would explode, get upset, and it happened so many times he’d break it off. She’d come back begging and pleading, promising that she was going to change, and obviously she never did.

And so in December, after that last Video Newsletter, she did it again, he just finally had enough. Because, you know, he’s given her umpteen chances, she promises to fix it. Says what she needs to say to get him to give her another chance. And then within a few weeks or a month, as soon as she feels comfortable again, she just reverts right back to the same way.

So we’ve got to keep in mind she’s 35 years old, and as good as my book is, it’s not going to fix a woman whose dad did a terrible job of raising her and messed her up. So this is where you’ve got to see reality as it is not better than it is or worse than it is, but as it is. And the thing is difficult. She’s obviously was the hottest girl he’d ever been with.

They had a lot in common, a lot of shared interests, things they liked doing together. But at the end of the day, her behavior was just over the top and too difficult. And in the long run, she would never fix it. She would claim she’s going to. And so now they’ve been broken up a little over a month or so. And of course now she’s coming back and she’s like, “Oh, I’ve really had time to reflect and realize how badly I treated you.”

I mean, just saying exactly what he wants to hear. And so it’s been only a month and a half and he hasn’t found anybody else already. And you can tell he’s kind of starting to think about going back and taking another trip down Crazy Lane. So just because he’s in love with the fantasy of that he wants her to be, and he’s hopeful that if he gives another chance that she’ll finally change this time. What’s the definition of insanity?

Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. It’s not your job to fix somebody, or to save them, or to get them to change. They either treat you how you want to be treated or they don’t. And in this case, this woman has been unwilling to do it. It looks like he said for like the first six months, things are pretty good.

But once she was really comfortable, these episodes and outbursts just became a regular thing because that’s who she really is. And despite her constant promises to change, it just hasn’t changed. So he’s obviously having a hard time moving on. And what you’ve got to realize when you’re with somebody, when you have this kind of an intense connection, it usually takes about a year and a half to really, truly get over them.

And a lot of guys in these situations, they break up with their girlfriend for whatever reason, they’re not happy. And when every guy notices when they’re in a relationship, versus when they’re single is when they’re in a relationship, women are coming out of the woodwork and expressing interest because what they don’t realize is their vibe is different.

They have a non hungry vibe. They have plenty of feminine energy in their life and they don’t need anymore. They’re not looking for it and women can sense that and pick up on that. And that’s why so many women will come on to you when you’re in a relationship versus when you’re single and you got a pussy embargo going on in your life, and it just seems like you can’t find anybody to go out with you.

And so these guys go from having women coming after them to now they’re single, their vibe changes and all those women disappear. Then a month and a half or two goes by, they get lonely and the girls going, “Oh, baby, I’m going to change. I really realize how badly I hurt you.”

And they say all the right things because they’re usually master manipulators as well. And so you can tell he’s contemplating caving and hoping that maybe this next time she’ll really, truly change and be consistent, even though if we bottom line her actions, she’s never changed. She says she’s going to and she gives them what we call a Kentucky guarantee, which is a guarantee that’s not worth anything.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’m reaching back out to provide an update on a video newsletter you did on my situation, titled, “She Loves Me, But Explodes In Anger When She Feels Wronged. Is It Fixable?” from December 7th. And I would also love your advice and input on where to go from here.

Well, you have to accept reality as it is. And that is she’s not changed if you just bottom line her actions. Her words and actions don’t match. So we have to assume even if you gave her a fifth or a sixth or an eighth. I don’t know how many times he broke up with her and got back together with her, but she always promised to change.

He’d give her another chance, and then she would just revert right back to that same behavior a few weeks later as soon as she felt comfortable and like she had him all over again. So you’ve got to see reality as it is, because if you don’t, you’re going to suffer. And he clearly has suffered. But the other thing that’s hard is when a guy is dating somebody that knocks their socks off, and they have a lot in common, and they have a lot of things that they enjoy doing together.

Similar interests, similar goals, similar values. But, you know, because those type of women don’t come along very often. And so the prospect of maybe being single for a few years until you meet somebody where you click like that instantly, it’s not a fun thought. Ideally, in an ideal world, you’d want to meet somebody within a matter of weeks or a month or two.

And sometimes that does happen. But for most guys it’s not. It may be a few years off in the future, and you might have to go on a bunch of dates that don’t go anywhere until he meets somebody that he just really clicks with. And so he’s in love with the fantasy of who he wanted her to be. And the other hard thing about breakups, and I’ve talked about this over the years, is that when you’re in a relationship with somebody, your whole identity becomes wrapped up in who you are with them.

Typically, you’re in a relationship. You have couples that you double date with and hang out with. If you’ve got kids, you’re going to hang out with other couples that got kids. You live together, you spend your weekends together. You’re coming home to each other every night. You eat together, you sleep together. You shower together. You travel together. You do family things together. You have mutual friends that you hang out with.

I mean, your whole life revolves around this person. And all of a sudden, from one day to the next, they’re no longer in your life. And some of those relationships, you know, the couples that used to hang out with, you’re typically not going to hang out with them as much. And it’s hard for most of us that when you get into a situation like this, because your whole identity is wrapped up in who you were with them, and now you’re no longer with them, and it’s like you don’t recognize your own life anymore because they were such a big part of it.

And it’s really hard to move on from that, because it takes time to date. It takes time to meet somebody. It takes time to evolve into a relationship, and to get to that place. And so you wake up one day and you feel like you don’t even recognize yourself or your life anymore because it’s changed so much after the breakup has happened. And that’s what makes it hard.

And people want the fantasy of what they ideally wanted it to be. But reality is reality. And as Ayn Rand said, “You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.” And we’ve got to go back to the basics that I always talk about. You want a girl; if you’re going to have a long term easy and effortless relationship, you want somebody that’s easygoing, easy to get along with. She’s nice to you.

Ideally, she loves her dad because she comes from a broken home. Typically, you’re going to get the kind of behavior that he got, because dad didn’t raise her properly. She doesn’t respect her father. Typically especially if she hates her father, dislikes him immensely. She typically doesn’t trust men, doesn’t like men, and always comes from that place. Always presupposes the worst.

Like in her case, you know, she presupposed that he was doing something to wrong her because she learned that pattern from her father. Her father, who was constantly wronging her, not showing up, tell her he’s going to be there for her birthday doesn’t show up, whatever happens to be.

And despite all that childhood trauma, it’s like she’s not reacting to you she’s reacting to how her father trained her. And if you do or say something and it triggers her, she’s going to respond to you in the same way she would normally respond to her father, even though you didn’t do all those crappy things that dad did or didn’t do.

As a brief recap, I am a 34 year old man and I have been a student of yours for nearly 6 years. I have ingrained your principles into my brain to the point where I feel like my perception of the world has completely changed; trying to remember how many times I’ve read or listened to the book is futile. Using those teachings, a year ago I landed a 35-year old woman who became my girlfriend, maybe the most attractive one I have ever had.

We were together for almost exactly one year before I dumped her. She was sexy, fit, successful, and fun, and we had great chemistry and a very similar lifestyle. Things were textbook for 6 months and I truly showed up in a way that I am proud of. She loved me more intensely than I had ever experienced before, and was stuck to me “like white on rice,” as you sometimes say.

Unfortunately however, she was emotionally immature, reactive, and became sarcastic, threatening, and mean when she felt wronged – especially when I would want to spend time with my friends or when I would refuse to cave to her demands or bend to her will.

Easygoing, easy to get along with. She’s nice to you. She makes your dick hard. Not your life.

I suspect this was somehow related to her poor relationship with her father and the fact that she never had to deal with accountability from men because of her beauty.

So yeah, she’s got a warped sense of reality. And unfortunately, in our society, there’s so many weak men that will constantly validate it’s okay for her to show up the way she shows up. It’s kind of like a bridezilla or a tyrant. Because there’s always ten other supplicating beta males that will grovel and beg and put up with her crap. And so men basically have trained her that it’s okay to be this way and they’ll stick around.

But obviously, if you have choices and you have options and you want a drama free life, it’s just not going to happen with a girl like this. Because you have to see reality as it is. You know, you can give somebody a chance. You can set healthy boundaries, but if they’re continually violating them, well, they’re not going to respect you or their boundaries because clearly she doesn’t respect her father. And there’s so many men in society that basically keep teaching her over and over that she can get away with this crap.

So what’s her real motivation to change other than losing a really great guy permanently? If there’s ten other dudes that are willing to line up and put up with that crap in her mind, she doesn’t really think she needs to change. And it’s not your job to fix her or to change her. You’ve got to see reality as it is. And he set healthy boundaries numerous times and she continually violated them.

I broke up with her on several occasions after she disrespected me, but would take her back after she would show up at my house or barrage me with calls and messages promising to change. Unfortunately this promised change never happened and she would always revert back to her immature ways, often even worse than before.

That’s because every time you took her back, it just validated that her behavior was okay because there’s no consequences. You would forgive her and she would be even more belligerent before because again, you continually let her get away with it, which in essence, you enabled her behavior. You made her worse by continually putting up with it.

And shortly after you answered my email in December, I had enough and finally called it quits for good – the first time I have ever walked away from someone that I was truly still in love with. Because even though she certainly made my dick hard, she made my life even harder.

Yeah, you’re not going to have a drama free life with a woman like this. And the longer you stay with her, you’re just another guy that validates to her that there’s no reason to change. Because men will put up with it.

It has been one and a half months since the breakup and she reached out to me a few weeks ago to tell me about all the reflections she had done and to apologize for the way that she had treated me. I told her that I appreciated the note but that I needed space and time to heal. I then deleted her number from my phone so that I wouldn’t be tempted to immediately go back to her; I know that a month is not enough time for anyone to truly change. Right now I am taking this time to get back to my hobbies, friends, and purpose. But I still miss her badly.

Well it’s not that you so much miss her, you miss the fantasy of who you wished and wanted her to be. But at the end of the day, she didn’t live up to that fantasy. And so you can project that onto her as much as you want and wish away the bad behavior. But as you said, every time you gave her another chance, she came back and got worse. So if you take her back this time, we have to assume, as Gerald Sealant of the Trends Research Institute says, “Current events form future trends.”

And if her behavior just got worse and worse every time you took her back, well, we have to assume it’s going to get even more bad and even more belligerent if you give her yet another chance. Because she clearly, if we look at her actions and bottom line them, she ain’t changing. And you and every other guy in society that talks to her or interacts with her, continually validates that her behavior is okay because somebody will put up with it.

She was madly in love with me and there were many great things about her. Part of me wonders if I could have made it work or if I should take her back if she reaches out again.

Well, what’s going to change? And how can you really move on if you keep giving the same woman another chance and yet her behavior never gets any better? You just can’t.

But I also know that could be the fear and loneliness talking.

Yeah, because it’s been a month and a half. You haven’t met anybody else. You’re feeling lonely. It’s also, you broke up during the holidays, and there’s a lot of things I’m sure you miss about her. But at the end of the day, her attitude and her demeanor are a non-starter. She was unwilling to fix them. As many times as she promised, not only did she not fix it, but she got worse, and she got worse because you validated her behavior. Which is part of the reason why she got even angrier and was even more belligerent is because she resents you for being weak. Because deep down, you kept taking her back. And that’s your weakness.

My social calendar is full, but I still find myself hurting from the absence of someone that was my best friend and whom I truly loved.

Well, most people in your situation takes about a year and a half, about 18 months to really, truly get over them. So it’s been a month and a half and you’re still in contact with her.

I know that there will be many great women for when it is time to get back out there.

Well, quite frankly, you should be getting back out there now. I know it’s the last thing you want to do, but you need to do this for yourself. Because if you just sit at home sulking and she continually reaches out, at some point you’re going to probably break down and get weak and then give her another chance, and then the abuse will start all over again. The only thing that’s going to cause a woman like this to change is to continually lose the best guys that have choices and have options, because they just won’t put up with it.

But you’re actually making her this way the more you stick around. Because again, there’s no consequences for her. She knows after a few weeks or a month or so, you’ll get lonely and she’ll cry the blues and you’ll cave and take her back. And then as soon as she thinks she’s got you wrapped around her finger again, she’ll just revert back to being an insufferable cunt jackass.

I’m just not sure if that is what is best for me right now. Your teachings and wisdom have never steered me wrong before, and in this moment I’m once again turning to you for guidance as to how a 3% Man would handle this type of loss and move forward as a better version of himself. I have already begun revisiting the book.

With humility and gratitude,

Bob

Well 3% Man, as painful as it is, is going to move on and is not going to give her another chance. Because you gave her countless chances and she wrecked every one of them. Plain and simple. She’s clearly not going to change. And every time you took her back, you took away any kind of motivation she would have had to change. Because deep down, on some level, she knew that she could sweet talk you and you would forgive her, and then she would just revert back to the mean.

Because this is the way she really is. She’s not going to change for you. People may become a better version of who they are, but they don’t typically change, especially at 35 years old. And we know she came from a broken home. And you’re not going to fix that. She’s 35 years old. So if you take her back, at some point, the same thing will start all over again. And then because you’ve got to go through the year and a half to get over it.

So say you give her another chance and then spend the next 90 days giving her another chance, and then you end up breaking up with her again. You know, April, May of this year. Now you just basically wasted another five months, six months, half a year, basically to give her another chance that we predictably know she’s not going to honor, she’s not going to change. And then you’re right back in April, May, where you were in December.

So it’s like wasting six months of your life hoping somebody that’s going to, you know, will change when there’s zero evidence that they have any intention to that. And again, every time you give her another chance, what’s her motivation to change? She knows how to manipulate you, and you always cave. You always fold like a cheap deck chair. So the best thing to do is to be applying the book and getting out there and meeting new women and getting other prospects.

But the data is the data. Facts are facts. Easygoing, easy to get along with, she’s nice to you. We want a girl, if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, that loves her dad. She’ll say things like, “My dad is my rock. I go to him for everything. I tell him everything.” He’s her world, basically. She’ll also say things like that girls that have a bad or a non-existent relationship with their father are like this.

And as hot as they are and as great as they are in bed, and as much fun as you can have with them, dealing with their dark side when they’re not willing to deal with it and fix it, it just makes you miserable. But if you’re up for another trip through crazy town dude that is on you. But you know, if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always got.

And the longer you stay with her, and the more chances you give her, the more you continually cement in her mind that this behavior is okay, because there’s always some chump that’s willing to put up with it. So if you want to have a drama free life, it’s not going to be with a girl like this because she’s unwilling to change. It was me, I’d be moving on.

As hard as it is, I mean, every long term relationship I wrote about in 3% Man, those were motherfuckers to get over. Because those are amazing, great love stories in my life. It took about a year and a half for each one to really get over the fact that they’re not in my life anymore. And it was better to move on. Just with whatever my life path was.

And so it’s hard because there’s so many great things about her that you love but at the end of the day, you can’t deal with the toxic behavior. And quite frankly, she’s not willing to deal with it either. She’s not willing to fix it. So your choices are, is to move on, as painful as that is, and get back on the horse and start dating other women. Or you can take another trip through crazy town and waste another six months of your life.

And then you’re right back to where you started trying to get over it. So even though the hardest thing to do is to really walk away and mean it, that’s what you’re going to have to do. Because again, as good as what I teach, as good as it works, I mean, the girl’s in love with you, but at the end of the day, it’s not going to fix a broken woman. It’s not your job. You need to recognize reality as it is. That’s something to think about.

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