She Loves Me, But Explodes In Anger When She Feels Wronged. Is It Fixable?

How to know if your girlfriend always exploding in anger when she feels wronged is fixable.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer whose girlfriend really does love him. However, she doesn’t respect her father and tends to explode in anger anytime she feels wronged. His patience is wearing thin. She keeps doing it despite her promises to change. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “She Loves Me, But Explodes In Anger When She Feels Wronged. Is It Fixable?”.

Well, this particular email is from a viewer who his girlfriend really loves him, however, she’s a little screwed up and she tends to be a hothead. And part of the problem is she doesn’t respect her father at all, and she tends to explode in anger anytime she gets upset or feels like somebody wronged her. And he’s just at the point where he’s had a bunch of conversations about it. His patience is wearing thin. And she keeps promising to change, but she’s not actually changing.

She says one thing and then she does another. As Jim Rohn said, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.” And this particular woman is not taking care of herself so she can be a good teammate and partner. She’s just being angry and difficult. He tells her to stop. She doesn’t. She promises she will and then next time she gets upset, it happens all over again. So it’s clearly a pattern that she’s rehearsed throughout her life. This is what she obviously learned at home from her parents.

That’s probably how they interact with one another. And let’s see, she’s, I guess she’s around 35, I guess. What are the likelihood that she’s going to chill out? Well, if she doesn’t, she’s going to end up losing her boyfriend because the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. And this guy is just getting to the point where he’s tried everything and she still will not stop. She won’t stop the abuse.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I’m a 33 year old man and am a long time listener and subscriber. I have read 3% Man more times than I can count, and your Quotes & Ruminations books several times as well; your teachings have changed my life in so many ways. Using your principles, about a year ago I landed my current girlfriend of 11 months. She is probably the most attractive woman I’ve ever dated and she gets attention from men pretty much everywhere she goes.

At 35 years old she is also intelligent, fun, and successful in her career. Things were textbook to begin. She said that she loved me after around 7 weeks and I truly believe that I showed up as my best self to the relationship. However, I have really done my best to remain centered and not lose sight of the fact that we are still vetting each other nearly a year in and therefore I am trying to see things for how they are, not how I want them to be.

Well remember, I have often said over the years, I believe it’s also in 3% Man. People can hide who they are for about the first 90 days of a relationship. In other words, usually men and women are both on their best behavior. But once you spend enough time around each other, you feel really comfortable, the real you, the real them, starts to come out. They just can’t hide it because they’re just so used to being around you.

Around the 4 month mark, she began showing some “yellow flags”. Frequent discussion of exes and orbiters, showing up to conflict in an accusatory and explosive manner, and a general lack of ability to put herself in my or others’ shoes.

Well, the one thing I remember, as I said in the beginning, and you’ll see later in the email, she doesn’t respect her dad. Typically, women that don’t respect their fathers, even if the fathers are in their lives, they just don’t respect men in general. And no amount of setting a boundary makes them stop. Because again, if they think their fathers are a bitch and they don’t respect them, and they’re used to just walking all over them and doing what they want anyways, they’ve kind of learned that they can, and especially if they’re hot, because most men will put up with it, they’ve learned that they can kind of get away with these things.

Although she comes from a very affluent background, she does not like nor respect her father and often complains/speaks poorly of him and it honestly seems to me like she never dealt with strict boundaries or accountability as a kid.

Well, if he’s very successful, probably wasn’t around much, and when he was, he was soft and squishy and let her just do whatever walk all over him. And so he trained her that she could pretty much get away with anything she wants.

I have had the experience of dating genuinely mentally unstable women in the past and she does not fit that bill. I believe that she is sane but is naive and immature based on how she acts, talks, and views people. Part of me thinks that her beauty has allowed her to get away with these things.

Oh, it definitely has.

As she has “never had to work on herself” or “think about her relationships” in her own words.

So in other words, guys always put up with it because she was so hot. So the men that came before him, including the father, have trained her that this is an okay way to show up because men will stick around and put up with it, at least most of them, in her case, have.

Twice, I broke up with her after conflicts where she treated me with disrespect, but she begged for me to take her back both times and promised to change, although these outbursts still occur on occasion where she comes at me with sarcasm and accusations. I am certainly not perfect myself and I will admit that after some of these incidents, I became more tense and uptight and stopped dating and courting her as much as I began to doubt the relationship, which likely worsened her behavior and contributed to the cycle of conflict that we currently find ourselves in.

Well, I say it all the time. She’s got to be nice to you. She’s got to be easygoing, easy to get along with, and communicate like an adult. And she’s clearly not any of those things. She’s not nice. She doesn’t communicate like an adult. And she’s not easygoing and easy to get along with. She, in other words, she makes his life hard instead of making his dick hard.

Men do not want to put up with a mouthy bitch. They just don’t. We don’t. Life is hard enough. We want a woman to soothe us, to bring beautiful, feminine energy to our lives, to bring that joy that is feminine energy so we can relax and have a good time. Not come home to a woman who’s been stewing all day and waiting to unload on her man.

What makes this difficult is that she truly and genuinely loves me, is loyal, and as you say is “stuck to me like white on rice” when we are together. On one hand, she is attractive, fun, loves me, and we have great chemistry. On the other, she is immature, lacks self-awareness/critical thinking, and does not have much emotional control when she feels wronged – all things which have eroded my patience over the last few months. 

Well, one of the biggest turnoffs to us guys is disrespect. A disrespectful woman that is nasty, that’s snotty, that’s abusive and has the attitude that she can just show up however the fuck she wants and berate and abuse us. I mean, if you look at what’s on TV, the men put up with it. So in the culture, women are taught that this is normal and that men are your punching bag, basically. But men who love and value themselves and have self-respect are simply not going to put up with it.

I have kept in mind your principle of “Men: Beware Of The Bitchy Woman”.

“Men: Beware Of The Bitchy Woman” was actually a Video Newsletter I did many years ago.

And I accept responsibility that as my patience waned, I stopped showing up the way that I did in the beginning.

Yeah, because for us guys, what happens is that if our woman’s happy, we’re like, “Hey, I did that.” If she’s upset and not happy, well, we take that personally as well. And after a certain period of time trying to apply what’s in the book and doing the right things, the book is not going to fix stuff. Fix a screwed up girl, plain and simple. And over time, when you try everything that you have in your arsenal, you try to communicate. You bring calmness and love and masculinity. And she continues to blow her top even though you’ve told her not to.

At some point you start to realize, no matter what I do, she’s like this regardless. So then what happens for us guys, you realize no matter what I do, she’s not happy. She’s going to be upset. And so you just give up, you start to withdraw. Because you’re like, no matter what I do, she’s upset. No matter what I do, she’s not happy. So why even bother? She’s going to be upset anyways. Why go out of my way to try to be nice to her, and be calm and patient, when it’s just going to happen again and again and again?

But I am wondering whether regardless of my actions, she simply is this way no matter what.

Well, so far based upon her actions, she doesn’t seem like she’s going to change. She promises to change, but she really doesn’t. Because quite frankly, she’s never really had to in the past.

I am really trying to stay centered and regulated, but I do love this woman deeply. And I am unsure of what someone who I trust and respect like yourself would tolerate versus where you would draw the line and walk away.

With humility and gratitude, 

Bob

Well, Bob, the book is designed to work on normal, healthy women. Not women whose fathers acted like beta males, and basically created a bridezilla in their daughter. So you can set healthy boundaries and she’ll either respect them or she won’t. So we know she doesn’t respect her father. She clearly doesn’t respect men in general. She clearly doesn’t respect you despite the fact you’ve dumped her twice. She comes back and begs and pleads, but she doesn’t really mean the things that she says. So therefore you can’t really count on her word.

So how are you going to feel comfortable and calm and relaxed in a relationship with a woman that just doesn’t do what she says she’s going to do? Your choices are at this point, you can either put up with it. You can lay down the law one more time. Tell her, “If it happens again, I’m out and there’s not going to be any more third or fourth chances. Go fix yourself. Go get a therapist. Learn how to deal with your issues because I’m done with it. Next time you blow up at me, I’m sending you away with your walking papers. And you can go figure it out.

And maybe the next guy that comes along is good to you. You’ll realize he’s not going to put up with it either.” And quite frankly, the older she gets, the more she’s going to start to lose her looks, and the less men are going to be willing to put up with her bullshit. When she’s young and hot, dudes are lining up around the block. As she gets older and she still has this crappy attitude she’s just going to be a cat lady. Maybe even get her a cat lady starter kit. So if it was me, I’d sit her down and say, “This needs to change. This is what I want to see. I want to see you signing up for therapy. You’ve got two weeks to do that. You’ve got 30 days to do that.”

“Sign up for therapy. Stop blowing up at me. Stop losing your shit. Exercise self control. Because if you don’t do it, I’m gone and there’s not going to be another reconciliation. We’ve been over this enough times. You’re 35 years old. At some point you need to grow up. If you’re not going to listen to me, then I’m out. I’m going to go find somebody else who has their shit together.” And you hold her feet to the fire. That’s all you can really do at this point, because you’re a good student of the book.

She’s clearly in love with you, but she’s not showing up and taking care of herself like the Jim Rohn quote, “I’ll take care of me for you. You take care of you for me.” You should even use that quote with her. Tell her that she’s not holding up her end of the bargain. She’s making it so difficult and so unpleasant to be with her, that you’d just rather be single than to put up with the bullshit and the abuse and the nastiness. And I’ve been there.

I know what it’s like, and you can try to set healthy boundaries, but if she’s not going to listen, she’s not going to listen. And so your choices are either just, you have to tolerate it and put up with it, or you say, “I’m not putting up with it and I’m out and I’m leaving.” And you pull the plug on it. It’s tough to walk away from somebody you love and who really loves you, but if they want to continue the abuse, well, that’s not very loving, is it? And it’s not the self-loving thing to do either, to sit there and to take that shit.

So there are other women out there. I mean, there’s what, seven, 8 billion women (people) on the planet? Half of them, seven, 8 billion people, half of them are women. It’s like, the odds are in your favor that you will find somebody else. You’re getting into your prime, and she’s coming out of her prime. So if she wants to be nasty like this, well, she can be nasty but you’re no longer going to be her boyfriend.

So I would sit her down and tell her this. “Listen to what I’m telling you because I’m over it. I’m out of patience. The way you behave just makes me not want to be around you. It’s like I love you to death. But I can’t deal with this attitude. I can’t deal with your nastiness. This is your problem. This is your issue. And you need to fix yourself. And if you don’t want to fix yourself, that’s fine. But I’m not going to be in your life anymore. I’m just, I’m over it.”

So what do I think the odds are that she’ll fix herself? If she’s got plenty of male orbiters and guys that are just waiting for a chance, she might walk away with the attitude of, fine, I’ll just find somebody else, then that’s okay. Because if she’s not going to do it, if she’s not going to change, if she’s not going to fix herself, if she’s not going to treat you properly in order to keep you around, well, then she can get the gift of missing you permanently. No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do.

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