Why an ex will come back and start reaching out after no contact but give you mixed signals of interest.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who broke up with his girlfriend of over six years in October of 2022, after he got complacent and stopped dating and courting her properly. She reached back out in February 2023 to say she was dropping off some of his things and the key to his place after almost five months of no contact.
He tried to set a date after she broke no contact, but she ghosted him. Then she reached back out a month later and came over for dinner. She was very affectionate, but left at the end of the evening without any indoor Olympics. He says she’s giving him mixed signals and asks what it means and what to do next. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
What I like about this email is this is typical of the majority of the guys that have come to me. Most of the time they haven’t read my book and this particular guy read it, had success, got his girlfriend and then just got lazy, got complacent. Then without realizing it, slowly over time, he completely got away from the principles of the book that made him successful in the first place.
Guys that are in this situation, typically their girls don’t feel heard and understood. In this particular case, it’s obvious that he just stopped dating and courting her and neglected her. He got busy. He got caught up at work and just stopped making the effort to make her feel like he cared for her. Eventually she broke it off, because she didn’t feel cared for. She probably complained about it for a long time and he just did nothing. Like a lot of guys, he’s like, “Well, I didn’t think she meant it. I didn’t think she was serious,” is typically the response.
What you’re seeing here is what happens when a woman starts to come back, because a lot of guys, that’s what they want. They do something similar, or they had a girl that really liked them that they were dating and they over pursued. They acted needy. They got upset. They got perturbed. Bottom line is, they turned her off to the point where she didn’t want anything to do with them anymore. Time elapses and then she starts coming back. It’s like, how do you facilitate that and getting to the point where it’s her idea to spend time with you?
First off, I’d like to say thank you for all that you do. Your work has had a profound impact on my life. I have a partial success story and some unusual behavior from an ex I think would be a great learning experience for your viewers. By applying the principles in your book, I was able to attract a girl I viewed as a 10, and dated her for six and a half years (lived together for two and a half). We ended up breaking up in October of 2022 due to me working a very demanding job and getting complacent, amongst other issues that came as a result of my lack of time and energy towards the relationship.
If you don’t date and court your wife, eventually some other guy will. There’s a chapter in the book that says “The Courtship Never Ends.” Unfortunately, in his case, he allowed the courtship to end because he made his job a priority and neglected her. That will happen with pretty much any woman if you ignore them long enough and you get focused on work and you don’t ever date, you don’t make them feel heard and understood, eventually they’re going to realize based upon your actions, that you’re not showing up and you don’t care no matter what you say. Then eventually, they leave. Every woman has a breaking point.
When she told me she wanted to break things off, I told her that I loved her and this is certainly not what I wanted, but I understood and respected her decision and told her to reach out if she changed her mind. Obviously, there was a lot of emotion on both sides given the length of the relationship, but it was about as amicable as it could have been. I immediately deployed the no contact rule and did not reach out to her at all.
Yeah. This is a guy she’s probably complaining about the same thing over and over. That’s one of the things when I’m doing a phone session with the guys, I was like, “Well, what did your girlfriend, what did your wife, what was she complaining about most? What did you hear over and over?” And that’s usually a good indicator that helps me, as a coach, figure out what they were not doing properly.
Fast forward to February of 2023, and I received a text message from her saying, “Hope you are doing well, I just dropped off beach chairs and the key to your door.” I found this a little odd, as she did not say she was stopping by. I was not home. So, as the book and your videos say, I assumed her reaching out to me was her wanting to see me. I responded with, “Thanks for doing that, I appreciate it. It’s great to hear from you. I’d love to see you and catch up some time. When are you free to get together?” She did not answer this text. At least, initially.
Well at least that time, typically, if she’s dropping things by like that, usually it’s like the end of it, or she may have held on to all those sayings and dropped them by to see what your response was. If you hadn’t heard from her in four or five months, she was probably dating somebody else, but it wasn’t looking like it was going to go anywhere. So that’s why she’s, “Oh, I got to drop your chairs and your key,” by after four and a half, five months of not hearing from her. You gave her the validation that she wanted and she recognized, “Well, he’ll still want to see me.” Then she probably went and got refocused on whoever it was she was talking to or dating. Then it didn’t work out, because what happens next?
Another month later and I get a text from her on a Sunday saying, “Hey are you home?” I said, “No I am not, won’t be until later tonight.” She said, “Okay no problem,” and never explained what it was about. Three days later, I get a text from her specifically responding to my message from a month back asking to catch up. She said, “Let me know if you’d still want to meet up sometime.”
So whatever happened, it didn’t work out with the new guy. Maybe she got broken hearted. Maybe she just went out on a bunch of dates and all those guys turned out to be douche bags and then she thought, “Maybe I was too harsh with my boyfriend.” Plus, he had six and a half years with her and they lived together for two and a half of those years. So he’s not a stranger, but he definitely got lazy and complacent and stopped doing the things that made his relationship successful in the first place.
She sent this late at night, so I responded the next morning and said, “Sure, when are you free to get together?” We ended up setting a date for the following Friday night, which she kept. When she came over that night, it was almost as if we had never broken up. We had some wine and made dinner together. We laughed and joked around about old memories, etc., and began teasing each other. One thing I noticed, is she got her hair done the way that I always told her would look great on her and she got spray tanned.
Obviously, she’s seeking his attention and validation. Plus, she she wanted to look good for him. That tells me she was focused on trying to re-attract him, because she had plenty of months to think about it, and the grass really wasn’t greener on the other side.
When I didn’t comment on the hair she specifically asked me, “So what do you think of my hair?” And she also made it a point to tell me that she had started working out again and she did look great. To me, these were both signs she was trying to impress me and get me to notice her.
Then, we went to the living room and she asked where she should sit and I said next to me. She put her legs up on me, and when she rested her head on my chest we started kissing and passionately making out, heavy petting, etc. She then proceeded to tell me she was on her period, but we continued to make out many more times throughout the night.
What? No red wings, bro?
When she eventually got ready to leave, it’s as if she waited at the door until I came over and gave her a kiss on the lips. I said it was good catching up and told her to text or call me sometime.
Well, as it says in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” she was the one who ended it, so therefore she’s got to fix it. She’s got to do all the pursuing. She’s got to earn another chance with him, not the other way around. Remember, when she did reach out a month and a half ago, she just ignored him for a month. That tells me that some other dude had her attention. When she came back, now she’s working out again. She’s got spray tan. She’s got her hair done the way he likes. Obviously, the feelings have returned. Absence did make the heart grow fonder in this case.
What I found odd, however, is that when we started kissing, she started crying slightly.
Well, it’s because she cares still. She still has feelings for you. Remember, you had six and a half years to emotionally bond with her. Any dude that she would have met and started talking to, she’s just not going to feel that same connection or bond. You have the superior position of leverage. Between you and her and her versus any other dudes she may have met.
She also cried a few times more throughout the night as she was sitting in my arms and cuddling. I asked her what was wrong and she said she wasn’t sure until I eventually got it out of her. She asked if I thought it was weird that we were seeing each other and I said it’s only weird if we make it weird. She then told me that she was surprised I texted her. And I said, “I believe you texted me,” and she said, “Yes, but why did you respond and say we should meet up sometime?” And I said, “Well why did you answer and come over?”
These are good questions. This is how you respond. Whoever is asking the questions is the one running the relationship. When you get a question like that, it’s always good to follow it up with a question, especially playful ones like that. It’s like not giving her a straight answer, but being fun. This is this is how love is, it’s playful and fun. The bottom line is, you know and I know that you came back because her feelings returned and she recognized or she didn’t find anybody that pushed her buttons emotionally in those four months that she was away. Plus on top of that, she started taking better care of herself, which is a good thing, because physically she’s coming back and she’s a more attractive version of the woman that you last saw four or five months before that. So that’s a good thing.
She didn’t really know what to say to this, but she eventually said, “Maybe I just wanted to see how you were doing.”
Yes, that’s true. The bottom line is, she was hoping that there would be a chance to rekindle things. That’s probably why she became emotional, because she’d been thinking about it for a while, and now there it is. They’re in each other’s arms kissing, and potentially getting back together is crossing her mind. Maybe there was some a period of time where she thought it was impossible, it was over and she’d screwed it up for good. At the end of the day, the mindset is here, she’s got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. That’s why she has to do all the pursuing.
Obviously there seems to be some mixed signals here. A few days have passed and I have not heard from her and I am kind of surprised.
It’s the way it goes, dude. You might not hear from her for a couple of weeks, who knows? Maybe the other guy or guys are still in the picture, but you have to let her be present with her feelings and her emotions, because you did tell her to reach out. Again, she’s the one who pushed you away, so therefore, she’s got to pull you back. That’s why you do not pursue a woman, because guys that don’t know any better, they’ll start reaching out and calling and texting and trying to force themselves back into her life. All that does is drive her into the arms of other dudes. You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you and a woman that’s pushed you away messed it up. Therefore, she’s got to fix it. That’s why she has to come to you. That’s why she’s got to do all the pursuing when she starts to come back, because then it’s her idea and she’ll come back to you at her pace.
Why did she wait a month and a half to text me back initially?
Probably because she was involved with other guys. She just wasn’t emotionally ready to see you. Again, probably because there was somebody else she was seeing, but she was starting to recognize it wasn’t going to go anywhere. She was just fishing to see if it’s possible to potentially rekindle things. In other words, are you open to rekindling things? Once you invite her to do something, that communicates that you were willing to get together in person and do something fun and casual. She didn’t respond because she wanted to see what was going to happen with whoever she was involved with at the time. Once that seemed to look like it’s not going anywhere or it’s going to end or it did end, that’s when she reached out.
Was she really just checking up on me and trying to “see how I was doing?”
She was trying to see if she still had another chance with you, basically.
If so, why was she so into the kissing and why did she cry in my arms when she was the one that broke up with me?
Because she still cares about you, that’s why.
Also, why did she put so much effort into her hair, tan, etc., if she didn’t care about my opinion?
Because she’s trying to attract you. If she didn’t care, she’d come over with no makeup and sweatpants and be looking like a bum. Instead, she came over looking hot. Why? Because she wanted you to be attracted to her.
I know you teach the ex has to do 100% of the pursing after getting dumped, so I will not reach out to her. To me, it seems like she definitely misses the relationship, but it’s almost like she won’t admit that to herself? Your thoughts on the subject would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks in advance!
Well, you need to go back and start reading the book, because attraction is a process. It takes time for a woman to fall in love, which she did six and a half years ago when you met. It took time. It took a couple of months usually. Then it also took time for her to fall out of love to the point where she didn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. When that happens, it also takes time for her to fall back in love. This is a multi-month process, so stop expecting her to just come back and things just go right back to the way they were, because it’s unrealistic. Again, it may have been six or seven years since you read the book, and just these basic questions here and what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” you really need to fill in your knowledge gap and really pay attention and learn or relearn the material again so you know it so you don’t screw things up.
It’s obvious that there is a chance that she will want to rekindle things with you. In the meantime, I’d still be dating other women and seeing what else is out there, because what often happens is,when these women do come back, it just seems like all at once you’ll get two or three different women that just show up, then you’ve got choices. You’ve got options, that makes you cocky, that gives you a little extra swagger, makes you more playful and, most importantly, it gives you way more confidence. You can do everything right with her and with the other women, and then you’ll have choices. It’s always good to have choices instead of just no choice.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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