What you should do if you recently found out your ex has a new boyfriend, but you’re still hopeful she will come back and you will get another chance with her.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who got dumped by his girlfriend of a year and a half about a year ago. Recently, he found out she is dating someone new. They have known each other since sixth grade, and she was his first real love and girlfriend. He says being away from each other while they are attending different colleges contributed to his becoming complacent and taking her for granted.
He admits he agreed to being her friend, continuing to contact her and waiting around for her to come back. He un-followed her on all social media and is focusing on becoming a better version of himself. He wonders if they are done for good and asks if there is anything he can do to get another chance with her. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I was with this girl for a year and a half. Things went great, the chemistry was there, and we have been friends since 6th grade. She was my first love. Long story short, she broke up with me exactly a year ago, due to me becoming complacent, taking things for granted, time, effort, etc.
(The thing that nobody in this situation thinks about is, what caused you to stop making the effort? When you become bored, disinterested or the relationship runs its course, you start making less of an effort. When you don’t value the relationship as much, you’re just not going to make the effort.
It’s the same thing with a job. You may have loved the job initially, but now it’s a motherfucker just to get up out of bed every day and go to the office. When you hate what you’re doing and it’s not very compelling, you’re going to work just hard enough to not get fired. And in a relationship. you’re going to be barely making the effort to keep it going.
The purpose of all relationships is you go there to give. If at some point you stop giving, you’ve got to say, what turned you off? What caused you to not value the relationship? You’ve got to look at that, because even if you get the person back, everything that turned you off about them is still there. They’re still the same person.)
It was also hard due to us being at different colleges in different cities, so long distance played a part.
(During that period of your life, you’re never going to be surrounded by as many beautiful, single people that are your age, have the same goals, and have the same values, because you’re all in college together, ever again after that. If your girlfriend is hundreds of miles away, and you have all of these beautiful people around you, you meet somebody, they’re attracted to you, you’re attracted to them… things happen.
That’s why a lot of relationships end after high school when people go off to college. There are lots of opportunities. It’s a target-rich environment for everybody.)
After the breakup, as many men do, I made mistakes I didn’t realize I was making, continuing to contact her, be her friend, and posting emotional/subliminal messages via social media.
(Yeah, she could tell you were drooling all over your computer for her. You were stuck in the past, and remember, rejection breeds obsession. And the reality is, before you got dumped, you didn’t really give a fuck anyway. You weren’t really making an effort, because you didn’t value the relationship anymore.)
After doing research, I realized those things do more harm than good. They make you look desperate, weak and needy, and they take you for granted in a sense, because you’re so available to them, and there is no fear of losing you.
(If you value, respect and love yourself, tell her to call you if it doesn’t work out, but you’re not interested in just being her pal and her friend, because you want to be able to move on. Never agree to be somebody’s backup plan or their option.)
A month ago, she started dating someone new, 11 months after we broke up. I was obviously devastated and hurt, because I had aspirations of getting back together, and I genuinely think I could be happy with her long term.
(That is delusional dude. All you’ve got to do is look at your actions and what you actually did when you had her. When you had her, you obviously weren’t that happy with her, because you weren’t making any effort at all to keep her. You’ve got to see reality as it is, not better or worse than it is.)
I tried to make things work, and I learned from my mistakes, but unfortunately, I didn’t know about all the psychological tactics you had to follow.
(It’s not psychological tactics dude. It’s about being a man, being in your masculinity and being an attractive human being who values, loves and respects yourself. The fact that you wrote a statement like that tells me you’re looking at this from a tactical and technical perspective, instead of a mindset or a quality of life and being perspective.
Cherry-picking tactics is not going to give you sustainable success. You have to understand the philosophy and the mindset that I talk about in my book and videos.)
It hasn’t been an easy process, but I just completed a month of no contact,
(Again, it’s not no contact because it’s a technique to get her back, it’s I love myself, I value myself and I respect myself, and I spent eleven months being stuck in friendzone thinking I was going to work to get her back, and the reality is she offered you friendship and blue balls. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. When you love and value yourself, it’s too painful to just be friends.
You should tell her you need to move on with your life and she needs to focus on her new relationship. Say, “If it doesn’t work out, get in touch with me, but I don’t want to stay in contact with you if you’re still dating him or somebody else. If I’m still single when you get in touch, maybe we can talk about it.” I also highly encourage you look at my article and video “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back”),
which I will continue until she reaches out like you explained in your video.
(There is no guarantee you’ll get this girl back or get another chance with her. I don’t teach that. If you apply what’s in the book and you adopt the philosophy of being, you’re going to make yourself the most attractive man that you can be, not only potentially to your ex, but to every other new girl you encounter. Again, it’s a target-rich environment. And if you’re honest with yourself, you really weren’t into that girl anymore. It’s just, she happened to be the first one to pull the plug on it.
Statistically, 70-75% of the time women are the ones who initiate the breakup. Remember, women tend to be more in touch with their emotions. When she isn’t feeling it, she’ll be more inclined to act upon those feelings, whereas guys will tend to keep plodding along. But like I said, she did you a favor.)
I have un-followed her on all social media, and I’m just working on myself, my success, and focusing on what I can control.
(That’s all you really can do. Create a life and lifestyle that’s pleasing to you, so you can become an attractive guy again. Other women will see and recognize your value, and you’ll have other choices. When you recognize you have other choices, you’re not going to give a fuck about the ex that’s hundreds of miles away. Take advantage of what you have now.)
I just wanted feedback on what I should do moving forward. Are we done for good?
(You should assume it’s over and you’ll never get another chance with her. You should be excited about your future and the fact you’re surrounded by beautiful women.)
Should I wait out her new relationship and see if that last?
(Come on man. That’s a beta male move. Have some self respect dude. You waited it out for eleven months, and for your troubles, she got a new boyfriend.)
It’s tough, but I feel every day is a step in the right direction.
(Focus on trying to get a little better each and every day, and apply the things you’re learning in the book. Start dating, start talking to new women, get out there and get some experience. Because once you see you have other choices and options, especially when you apply what’s in the book, you’re going to be an even more attractive guy than you were when you were with her.
As you become a better quality man, the quality of the women you’re going to be able to attract is going to go up as well. You’ll find the women are more attractive and your goals and values are more aligned. You won’t really want the ex back.)
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When a relationship ends that is not by our choice, we often become obsessed with trying to get the other person back. Why? Rejection tends to breed obsession, because our whole identity is associated with being in that relationship. We often feel like we no longer know who we are, because everything about our lives has become associated with being in that relationship. The best medicine for a breakup is to get refocused on being the fun, outgoing, interesting, passionate and driven person we were before the relationship. By focusing on creating a life and lifestyle that is exciting and compelling to us, eventually we will naturally attract a new person who shares similar goals and values by the person we have become. We must become what we want to attract.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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