What it means when you and your ex still hook up, but she doesn’t want to get back together.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped by his ex-girlfriend of 2 1/2 years a few weeks ago. She said they argue too much and she hasn’t been happy. They recently ran into each other at a bar and went home together and hooked up. He doesn’t understand why she will still sleep with him, and other guys, but doesn’t want to get back together.
She already slept with 2 other guys in the 3 weeks after they broke up. He got mad at her because of this but didn’t yell. He says he’s in no contact and hasn’t heard from her since. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
If a guy is trying to get his ex back and everything he’s doing is turning her off, and then he comes to somebody like me that tells him what he needs to do, yet he just tries to cherry pick the videos and then he wonders why his ex doesn’t want to get back together, the guy literally has no idea what he’s doing. This is what’s so hard about self-help and personal growth, is most people just won’t do the work. They want the lazy, quick fix. “I need the magic pickup line. I need the right phrase to say or the right group of sentences, and then it’ll just solve everything.” And it just doesn’t work that way. And so, you’ll see this guy got a little bit of attainable success, but he has no idea how to maintain it.
And now, they’re not speaking. But there are some other caveats here, too. I guess apparently in the two or three weeks after they broke up, she had already slept with two different dudes, which he wasn’t happy about, and got all angry and upset and and butt-hurt. He says, “I don’t feel like I even know his girl.” Well, that’s part of the problem. You don’t understand women. You had a breakup happen, and you’re just looking for some quick fix to put a Band-Aid over it, and brush it under the carpet, and hope it goes away. That just doesn’t work in the real world. So, this is a cautionary tale of what not to do and what happens when you have no clue and you’re not doing anything to help yourself get a clue.
I’ve been a viewer/reader of yours for some time now. I really appreciate all the work you have done to help people better themselves and the advice you give for tough situations!
Well, you’ve got to participate in your own rescue. And after having read your email, you’re doing a really half-assed effort of it, so you shouldn’t be surprised that you’re confused.
My girlfriend and I of 2.5 years just broke up a couple weeks ago, and she says she feels like we argue too much…
Well, as I talk about in “3% Man,” which obviously you probably haven’t read yet, men who understand women don’t argue with them. But you’re arguing all the time, and that tells me you’re clueless. And if you don’t change this behavior, if you don’t fill in your knowledge gap, every girl you date in the future is going to leave you for the same reason.
…and that she hasn’t been as happy as she should be. There was also some past hurt I had caused to her in the beginning of our relationship that she still brings up time to time, and I guess things just took a toll on her.
Well, he doesn’t say what that was, but again, this is explained in the book, if she constantly brings up the same thing over and over again, what she’s communicating is that you are continuing today, in the present moment, to hurt her in the same way that you did with whatever the situation is that she constantly throws in your face. But had he read the book, he would have known that, and he would have been able to take corrective action.
After breaking up, I applied the notorious no contact method and I started to feel better about how things turned out. I’ve never had a problem picking up women in the past, so it didn’t take long for me to not think too hard about it, and after the heartache had started to wear off, I felt back to my normal self, though I still thought about her a lot.
It had been just a few weeks from the breakup, and we had passed by each other in the bar. I didn’t think too much of it and her friend came up to me and told me she was crying because she saw me, and all her emotions came back at once.
She’s crying because she still cares. She’s still cares, but at the end of the day, you continually doing things that turn her off and cause her pain, eventually, every woman reaches her limit. Most of the time, 75% of time, women typically do the breaking up.
We ended up talking, I played it cool and we ended up hooking up that night. After the next morning, neither of us knew what to do next.
Well, you say you’ve been following me for some time. You should have read the book. That’s part of your problem. You don’t know what the hell is going on. And you should have also been through “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” which I can tell you haven’t done that either.
If you’re trying to fix your relationship, doing nothing obviously ain’t gonna work. Doing the same thing you’ve been doing for the last two and a half years, that hasn’t worked either. And just sending an email and hoping that this video newsletter is going to solve all your problems, that won’t work. It will help, but if you don’t learn the material, then it’s not going to work out. Not only with her, but with every girl in the future that is going to dump you for the same reason.
She said she wasn’t ready to get back into the relationship and didn’t want to be exclusive.
So, what you’ve got to understand is it takes time for women to fall in love. It takes time for them to fall out of love, and it takes time for them to fall back in love and want to be exclusive again. It’s like restarting the courtship, but since she’s the one that ended it, it’s up to her to fix it. That’s why you let women do all the pursuing when they’re the ones that dumped you. Because they screwed it up, they have to fix it. They have to prove that they deserve another chance with you, not the other way around.
We didn’t talk for two days and I just said fuck it and asked her out.
So, he goes back to pursuing. Again, what you shouldn’t have done.
We had dinner, laughed a lot and had sex multiple times. She still said the next morning that she didn’t want to be exclusive and that she still wanted to hang with other men. I tried to shrug it off and focus on hanging out, having fun and hooking up, but it got to me.
If you don’t exercise self control, it’s going to scare women. They’re not going to like it. It doesn’t matter what happens with this one, if you do it with the next one, same thing, it’s going to turn her off. Women don’t like it. It’s unattractive. It makes them feel unsafe when they’re around you. And at the end of the day, you can tell, despite the fact he got dumped, he’s figuring, “How do I get her back? How do I lock her down?”
And again, if you had read the book, you would know that the woman’s job is to create the relationship, to bring up the exclusivity and locking you down. I’ve said so many times over the years, when you watch movies from 60, 70, 80 years ago, that’s what was always going on. The women were always chasing the men, always trying to lock the dudes down, always trying to get the most eligible bachelor to commit to them. And everything has flipped a few decades later.
I don’t understand why she would see me and cry, and agree to go on a date, and continue to hook up if she didn’t have any interest of getting back together.
She has an interest in seeing you romantically. It’s just she’s not at a point where she feels she wants to be committed. That’s why the simple formula, which you only know because you’re cherry picked, is hang out, have fun and hook up. There’s nothing in there about a relationship, yet that’s all you’re focused on, is locking her down and getting her to commit to be your girlfriend again, which is the wrong thing to do. And that’s why it’s not working for you. But you would know that if you’d actually read the book and “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” the article and video that’s been on my website for years.
She had told me she would feel dumb getting back into things and that neither of us have had any time to grow. I think it’s bullshit.
Well, that’s because you’re thinking logically and like a man and you don’t understand women. They don’t care about how much you like them or how much you want to get back together. They only care about how they feel about you. That’s why. It’s because of how she feels.
And I can tell from your email you’re constantly getting butt-hurt, perturbed, angry and upset with her. Plus, you’ve been argumentative the whole time together. So even now, when you’re hanging out with her, you’re getting pissed off at her and losing your shit, the same thing that turned her off. And it’s not clicking with you. But again, you didn’t read the book, so you kind of deserve what you get.
But I can’t force her into anything. How can she have all this emotion when seeing me and act like things never ended when we were together, but also want to be with other people?
Because you’ve hurt her so much over the years, she doesn’t trust you, she doesn’t feel safe with you, and quite frankly, your behavior, nothing’s changed from the time you broke up. And so, she wants to have her cake and eat it, too. You’re chasing her and pursuing her, which you shouldn’t be doing. You should be letting her come to you and doing all the pursuing. But this focus and this obsession with trying to lock her down, you’re acting like a chick and it’s inappropriate. But again, you would know that if you had read the book.
I later found out she had slept with two other guys in the three weeks we were apart, and I kind of blew up on her.
Dude, you’re constantly communicating that you do not have your shit together. You’re a jack-in-the-box. She probably feels like she’s always walking on eggshells, doesn’t know what she’s going to say next that’s going to set you off. Why would she want to get back together with a guy that behaves this way? It’s not going to happen, dude.
Women don’t want to be with a jack-in-the-box. They’ll put up with it for a while because they’ll initially think it’s masculine strength qualities. But then they realize that you’re just a bitch, and you’re like a scared little boy that throws a temper tantrum any time he doesn’t get his way and tries to threaten and cajole women into doing what you want. It doesn’t work, dude.
I didn’t yell, but I expressed that I was not happy to hear the news.
She was obviously starting to get over you. I don’t know what it means, if she’s got a huge high body count and she just sleeps around constantly. I don’t know what it means. I don’t know enough about her to make a decision. But she slept with two different dudes in three weeks, so you got butt-hurt about it. It’s obvious she constantly says things to you, and you’re so insecure and neurotic that you’re constantly losing your shit. No woman is going to want to be with you as long as you continue to behave this way, at least for not any period of time.
I told her we had too much history for me to act like I don’t care that she hooks up with other guys.
She’s not your girlfriend anymore, dude. She broke up with you. So, the fact that she’s dating and hooking up with other guys is, quite frankly, none of your business, any more than it’s any of her business that you’re dating and hooking up with other women. Well, at least you claim to be Mr. Ladies Man, that you never had a problem getting women.
I ended things on a good note but said I wasn’t going to be able to continue speaking to her.
How are you going to work things out if you just say, “I’m not speaking to you anymore”?
I feel like I don’t know the woman I loved anymore and she’s not reaching out. I’m still going strong on no contact, but I’d appreciate some advice. Thank for all you do.
Well, you just told her you’re not going to continue speaking to her. What do you think is going to happen? I mean, at this point, it sounds like you’ve kind of left her with the ultimatum that you only want to see her if she wants to get back together. Or maybe you told her that you were so upset that she slept with two other guys that you don’t want to talk to her. Or maybe you told her you didn’t want to talk to her anymore unless she’s ready to get back together. And that’s just not how it works.
There’s a process to it, just like there’s a process to go from being single and then meeting somebody, transitioning from that to actually dating and then courting, and then eventually, it leads to a relationship. You’re kind of still in the pickup phase with this girl at this point, just kind of casually hooking up. And since she dumped you and she doesn’t want to get back together, you should let her do exactly what I describe “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” Let her do all the calling, texting and pursuing, and then simply make dates that can lead to sex at your place, at least the first three times in a row. That’s what I would do if I were you.
You’re going to have to read the book. If you don’t want to read the book, if you don’t want to follow the instructions, then I suggest that you unsubscribe from my YouTube channel and go follow somebody else and cherry pick elsewhere. Because we’re all about being serious about turning our lives around. And so far, the effort that you’ve put, at least in what I can tell from this email, you’re not a serious student. And if you’re not going to become a serious student, you’re wasting my time, you’re wasting yours, and you’re wasting this girl’s. And you will waste the time of every future woman you get involved with, because you’re going to continue to make the same mistakes.
You’ve got to participate in your own rescue. You’ve got a little bit of attainable success here, because you cherry picked a couple of things from some videos, but now you’re not talking to your ex at all and you’ve told her you don’t want to talk anymore. Or there’s no point in talking unless she wants to get back together. More than likely, she will reach out, but if you’re not going to fill in your knowledge gap, it’s just going to end in the same thing, which is her going her way and you going your way.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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