My Ex Is Hot & Cold. I Want Her Back, But She’s Dating Other Guys

What you should do if you want your ex back but she’s hot and cold and dating other guys.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 25-year-old viewer who has read 3% Man six times. He’s been following me for a while and is in contact with his 24-year-old ex. He backs off and lets her chase, then she pursues him hard. Only for him to resume pursuing her and then she backs off again.

He is focused on winning her back and getting her attention, but doesn’t yet realize that he is chasing her away and into the arms of other men instead of just letting her come to him at her pace. I tell him the mindset shift he needs to make and the actions he needs to change so she will try to convince him to give her another chance. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a dude who is 25 years old, and he claims to have read 3% Man six times. He says he’s been following me for a while and he’s in contact with his 24-year-old ex-girlfriend. It’s pretty apparent after going through his email that he doesn’t elaborate on what led to the breakup, but just the fact that he’s trying to win her back shows me that he’s in the wrong mindset. He’s trying to win her over. He’s seeking her attention and validation.

Recently, he finally backed off. He let her be. She started to pursue him. They spent the whole weekend together, having a great session of the Indoor Olympics. Then he finds out a few days after that, she’s on a date with another guy and he’s like, “Well, it seems like the whole weekend was a lie. What the hell? Why would she do that?” You could tell he goes right back to the failed strategy of pursuing somebody that’s blowing you off and dating other guys. He should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, which is an article and video I did many years ago of what to do when you’re in this situation.

Guys that find themselves in a situation, usually they’re the ones that have gotten dumped and most men don’t know any better because we all tend to fall under what I call the illusion of action, because we’re driven to succeed, we’re driven to make things happen. So he feels he’s got to do something to get her back, when in reality, he was smothering her and over-pursuing to the point where she blew him off, broke up with him, didn’t want to be with him anymore, and yet he continued to pursue. When a guy does that, all he literally does is chase the girl away and into the arms of another man.

Now he’s starting to kind of recognize that his continuing to pursue the ex is getting him nowhere. He finally backs off for a little bit. She comes back, tells him all these things about her feelings because it stimulates her emotions and the way that women’s emotions get stimulated. Then what does he do? Because he spent the whole weekend with her and now he’s thinking, “Oh great, now I can go back to pursuing her,” and he starts pursuing her again and finds out she’s going out on dates.

Like I said, I don’t know if there was cheating or anything like that involved, but he’s a free agent at this point. She’s a free agent at this point. They can both do whatever they want, and if he’s trying to win her back, he’s already lost because he’s in the wrong mindset and that’s not going to work. All he’s going to do is frustrate himself, end up with blue balls. If he doesn’t back off, eventually what’s going to happen is she’s going to get serious with another guy and then dip for good, and then he’s going to be sitting there licking his wounds.

So where he is as a man is, most of his behavior is unattractive behavior. This is not only going to create problems because of his weak mindset and potentially attracting his ex back, it’s also going to affect how he appears to other women. The best medicine when you’re in this particular situation is having attention from many other women versus no women at all, because you’re constantly turning off every woman that you meet.

My goal as a coach is to get him to display his most attractive side all the time with all women, wherever he happens to be, so he puts himself in the best possible position to either attract the ex back or attract somebody better, because if he keeps behaving the way he’s behaving with her, then any girl he starts to date in the future that he likes, he’s going to chase her right out of her life and get and turn her off for the same exact reasons. Those reasons are is he’s looking for attention and validation from the woman. He, in essence, is acting like the woman. He’s acting feminine. When you go from acting masculine and then feminine, you vacillate back and forth, the woman goes from being really attracted and turned on to being turned off and indifferent to you. You can totally see that is what’s going on in his email.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

Hope you’re doing great. Been following you for a while and have read and listened to your book six times. Can be better, I know.

Well, you never try to keep somebody in your life that doesn’t want to keep you in theirs. You don’t keep pursuing a woman after she dumps you. You tell her, “Hey, if you change your mind, get in touch,” and you never call, you never text again for any reason. You don’t birthday text, no Christmas holidays, no Groundhog Day texts, nothing. In other words, that person is basically dead to you. They’re a ghost to you. If you are in a period of no contact or you go no contact because a woman basically doesn’t want anything to do with you and you don’t hear from her, that tells you everything you need to know that she doesn’t care.

A lot of guys, the thought of finding that out is the worst thing, so at least this way they still have some form of contact with their ex, but in reality they can’t see that she’s just not interested. She enjoys the attention and validation. It reiterates to her that he’s happy to be a backup boyfriend, potentially in case she can’t find anybody better, and then enables her to keep him stuck in friend zone and having blue balls. So the book is only going to help you if you actually apply it, not when you’re doing the opposite of what the book teaches.

So, I’m (25) in contact with my ex (24) and she goes hot and cold a lot.

Well, that’s because you’re vacillating back and forth between being in your masculine and acting attractive and acting like an insecure chick. So you’re going to turn women off in general when you continue to act like a girl.

Recently, I let her chase a bit…

So what does that tell you? That tells you right away that even though he got dumped, he continued calling, continued texting, and she’s like, “I don’t know, I’m confused. I need time. I need space. I need to get my life together. I got to figure out my purpose. I got to focus on myself. I got to work on myself.” You get those kinds of things, but that didn’t click.

Again, he claims he’s read the book six times. Maybe it was a long time ago, but these are not the actions of a guy that knows what’s in the book. These are the actions of a guy who’s probably cherry picked and maybe thumbed through the book a few times, but didn’t really take it seriously when I told him he needed to read it 10 to 15 times.

…And then one night she texts me.

So in other words, he finally backs off, she starts to pursue, she reaches out. If the woman is pursuing you and reaching out to you, guess what? You don’t have to worry about getting dumped or blown off or jerked around.

I was asleep but the next day she said she could only think of me that night.

Yeah, because you stop moving forward, and she felt your inaction. Whereas you have been chasing and smothering her. You finally backed off enough, and then she’s like, “Wait a minute, what happened to that guy? What’s he doing? Did he meet somebody else? He sure seemed to be really hot for me. Now all of a sudden, I haven’t heard from him in a few days or a week or two. What’s going on? I gotta reach out to him.“

Well, a fun weekend followed. Indoor Olympics at night, waking up at 7 a.m., doing it again and falling back asleep. She even poured her heart out.

Well, you gotta remember that only whenever she said in that minute or moment, that’s what she meant, but it only applied in that moment. It’s like a weather report. It’s only good for about 24 hours and then it’s gone. Then there’s a new weather report. In other words, a woman’s emotions and feelings change, like the weather. That’s just the way they are. Feminine energy is chaos. Don’t get butt-hurt. Don’t get upset about that. It’s just the way it is.

Saying she often feels a tingling in her stomach when she sees me…

Well, that’s only when it’s her idea, when you’ve backed off and let her do all the pursuing. As 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back discusses, when you’ve gotten dumped, you’ve gotten blown off, you stop chasing her. Therefore, instead of, “Oh, I hope I can win her back and get her attention,” the attitude should be, “You’re the prize. You’re the catch.” She’s the one that unilaterally ended the relationship. Therefore, it’s up to her to fix it. You kept chasing, you kept pursuing, and you got nowhere.

Then as soon as you finally backed off and stopped moving forward, she reached out, you have an amazing week and fucking each other’s brains out. Then what happens instead of letting her continuing to come to him so it’s her idea? He starts calling, texting and trying to move things along a little quicker because again, he wants to lock her back down and make her his because that’s what he sees in movies and on TV. Then all he’s going to do is turn around and chase her right back out of his life again, and he’s not clicking. It’s not making the connection that it’s him, his neediness, his insecure behavior and acting like an emotionally insecure little girl that’s chasing her away.

…And some other things that felt like she was kind of longing for what used to be and that there’s still some hope for us left.

His whole mindset is, please pay attention to me, mommy, please give me an attaboy. Please like me. That tells me that he probably didn’t get enough strokes as a kid. Didn’t get enough. I love you’s from mom and dad, and so he feels incredibly insecure and unloved and unlovable. And so, therefore, to make up for it, he tries to do something which is pursue instead of letting her be. If his parents had loved him and filled his bucket of self esteem up to the point where the world couldn’t poke enough holes in it to drain it dry he be, he wouldn’t care. He’d wait for her to reach back out.

Well, after the weekend I found out she had a date a couple days later and is active on Tinder. Felt like the whole weekend was a lie. I still saw her this week and again she’s distant, doesn’t want to be touched, etc.

That tells me that he reached out to her. It wasn’t her idea because if it was her idea, she’d have been like she was the previous weekend. Instead, he was needy. He’s neurotic. He’s like the crazy monkey at the zoo that’s throwing his jizz and his feces at all the people trying to get their attention, or he’s just a crazy monkey. In other words, don’t behave like the crazy monkey in the cage at the zoo. It’s not a good look.

What’s my move now?

In other words, “What else can I do?” How about you read the book? Actually read it. Take the time to read it 10 to 15 times like instructed. You also should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back instead of constantly trying to do things. You’re literally chasing this girl out of your life. So what your next move is nothing. Your pursuit of your ex is over forever. The only way you’re ever going to see or talk to her again is if she reaches out to you.

So what do you do? You wait to hear from her. When she reaches out, you assume she wants to see you, and you make a date in the evening at your place to make dinner together. You don’t go meet her out. You don’t go pick her up. She’s got to come to you at least three dates in a row, but you have to let her do all the contact initiation, and that’s where you’re going wrong. As soon as you spend a bunch of time together, like this past weekend, you come unglued, start acting all dopey, thinking you got to win her back. Then you go right back to the same exact behavior that chased her out of your life a few weeks before. You got to be able to see that by now, I would hope. I mean, it’s so obvious.

We‘re not exclusive or anything, so she can do what she wants. However, I obviously don’t like it and want to win her back over.

No, you shouldn’t be trying to win any woman over. You should let her win you over. She should be the one trying to convince you to give her another chance. When you’re in that mindset, you’re not going to call. You’re not going to text her for any reason.

Do I let her do 100%?

Yes. That’s what it says in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. You’ve tried violating all the principles in the book and in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, and what’s happening? Last week he had this passionate weekend, and this week you’ve been pursuing her and chasing her, she doesn’t want to be touched, doesn’t want to be kissed, and is repulsed by you. Last weekend you acted like a man and you let her come to you. This weekend it’s like she was Kryptonite and you couldn’t fucking handle it. You’ve totally come unglued and you’re acting like a little bitch chasing after your mommy, trying to get strokes from her. You look pathetic when you do this, man. This is not attractive behavior.

And if she texts me do I wait for her to ask to meet up or do I just assume as soon as she texts me she wants to see me?

Thanks for your help!

Best regards,

Bob

As the book says, if she reaches out, you should assume she wants to see you and you make the next date. Now, there is a caveat in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, because there are times where the guy chased so much and made himself look so pathetic and turn the girl off so much that even when she’s reaching out, he’ll try to set a date and she’ll give him some excuse, “Oh, I got to check my schedule. I’m not sure. I don’t think that’s a good idea.” You get those kind of responses and then you just go, “Well, I got to run. Let me know when you figure out your schedule.”

So you’re going to ask twice, two times max in a row when she reaches out to you first. If both times she won’t make a date, then in that case, you’re never, ever going to bring up getting together again unless she brings it up first. If she does mention getting together or seeing you, then you make a date, then you get off the phone.

I mean, your situation is so easy, but you’re just not exercising any emotional self-control, and you’re doing the opposite of what the book teaches and the opposite of what’s instructed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. You cannot cherry pick things like this and bend stuff to your will, because you’re constantly acting extremely unattractive. It’s going to repulse all women, not just the ex. Any other woman that’s attracted to you and you behave this way, you’ll turn her off for the same exact reason. So you need to grow up, jump up and down so your balls finally drop whatever you need to do. You need to knock this shit off because it’s disgusting. It’s disgusting behavior for a man. Don’t do it, man. Don’t do it, bro.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.