What it means and what you should do when your girl acts like she’s single and you’re her 2nd choice.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer from Colombia. He’s read 3% Man 3 times so far. He broke up with his ex about 4 months ago. Two months later, she came back. They spend Monday through Thursday together, but she’s kind of a local celebrity and goes to parties and events on the weekends without him.
When they were together before the breakup, he always went with her. Now, she never invites him. He’s tired of being treated like her 2nd choice and asks what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Part of the issue that this guy has is he’s focused on locking her down to a commitment. And if you’ve been through “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” you know that if the woman ends the relationship, she unilaterally ends it, changes the terms of it, it’s up to her to fix it. And so, if it’s up to her to fix it, you as the man, you’re the prize. You’re the one she should be trying to win back. But part of this guy’s problem is that he has the mindset of trying to win her back, because rejection tends to breed obsession. And it’s hard when you’re in this situation.
I had a phone session with a dude the other day that was in the same kind of position. Everything was focused on locking her down to a commitment, getting her to commit to him again, instead of causing her to earn another chance with him. He didn’t even realize it, and it took a few minutes for me to really get through to him to where he realized he was acting like a chick and that’s why his ex was still so turned off. Because he was basically acting like an insecure girl and constantly complaining.
And so, despite all of that, this woman may or may not be a good woman anyway. She may be a loyal and faithful person, we don’t know. But it doesn’t even sound like they’ve actually gotten back together. They’re just spending Mondays through Thursdays together. But if she’s going out on the weekend and doing all the things she used to do, but she’s still not bringing him, that obviously shows he’s not that big of a priority in her life. He needs to see reality as it is.
So, this is a really good email, especially for guys that are in these situations. Again, the person that messes the relationship up, it’s up to them to fix it. It’s not your job to fix it.
Thank you for your content because it changed my life. I’ve read How to Be a 3% Man three times now, and I’m starting to read it for the fourth time.
The issue is as follows. I broke up with my ex about 4 months ago, but around 2 months ago she reached out, and we started hanging out again. Basically, she’s a kind of celeb in my country (Colombia), and when we were together, we were hanging out every day, going to social events, parties, etc. But nowadays, she wants to go out by herself.
So, she’s basically acting like she is single. That tells me that she enjoys her time with him. She gets attention, validation, they’re hooking up, but she’s not treating him like her boyfriend or her king anymore. She’s treating him kind of like a friends with benefits. And then, on the weekend she goes out hoping to meet somebody that is probably on her level. I don’t know how successful this particular dude is, but it’s obvious she’s going out and looking to better herself.
She’s got him, and it looks like she’s trying to upgrade. So, in other words, she’s using him to monkey branch to a new guy or somebody that she likes better. But the reality is it’s same thing with women. To find somebody you really connect with on a deep level is so rare. That’s why most people will go back to the ex. But if you find yourself in one of these situations where you got dumped, maybe you acted needy, maybe you acted too girly, I mean, just the fact that he’s upset that he’s not her priority tells me he’s focused on a relationship. He’s not focused on the things that a man should be focused on.
He’s probably displaying a lot of really unattractive behavior and a total lack of confidence. And if you do that with a woman long enough, eventually she is going to get turned off and leave and then go find somebody else. That’s just a fact of life. Irrespective of whether she’s a good, loyal person or not, if you act like a bitch, women will treat you like a bitch.
All of us, men and women, we all want the best that we can get. And so, if she broke up with this guy because she didn’t feel like he was the best that she can do, especially because of the way he was behaving before, then yeah, she’s trying to find somebody that pushes her all of her buttons, not just some of her buttons.
We all want the best that we can get. Men and women both want to date up. We want to feel like we punched above our weight. We want to feel like we got a hotter girl than we were entitled to. Women want to feel like they got the most eligible bachelor, that they got the best guy in the community that they could get. And so they feel like they won something.
You really can see this in the older movies 60, 70, 80 years ago, especially the movie that I mention a lot, “It’s a Wonderful Life.” George Bailey was like the man about town. All the girls had crushes on George Bailey. But it was Mary, Donna Reed’s character, who won him over. But nowadays, you see the exact opposite. All of the dudes are chasing after the one hot girl, falling all over themselves, jumping through their butts, trying to impress her, instead of the way it naturally is. Women are designed to get a man’s attention. So, become the kind of man who women would want to get their attention.
Basically, between us, things are really good from Monday to Thursday evening, but from Thursday to Saturday, she basically vanishes.
Yeah, she’s definitely keeping you around until she finds somebody better. And a big part of that is because you’re still chasing, you’re still pursuing her, you’re trying to lock her down. In this case, she’s got to earn another chance with you. All of the pursuing should be done by her. She has to convince you that she’s changed. She has to convince you that she realized she really screwed up by breaking it off with you. And if you’re making it easy for her, if you’re chasing after a woman who has disrespected you by dumping you, you’re communicating that she made the right decision by dumping you. And then when she finally does find somebody that she likes better, it’s easy for her to move on.
The only time she reaches out and tells me she wants us to see each other is during weekends when she’s hungover or has no plans. At the beginning, I was cool with it, thinking I need to love her in a way that she feels free. But right now, I’m feeling exhausted.
Because again you are thinking, “I’ve got to get her back. I’ve got to lock her down.” You’ve seen too many movies, dude. You’ve watched too many bullshit TV shows. You should have the attitude of, “Hey, if she’s going out on the weekend acting like a free agent, guess what? I’m a free agent.” You should be applying what’s in the book to try to find somebody better. It’s obviously what she’s doing.
Again, if you were in the mindset of she has to convince you to recommit to her, then you wouldn’t give a damn what she’s doing the weekends. You’d be doing your own thing. You’d be like, “Well, if she doesn’t want to spend her weekends with me, that’s certainly not going to earn me back. That’s certainly not going to make me want to commit to her.” It just makes it look like, “Hey, we’re friends with benefits.” So, see the situation as it is; you’re friends with benefits, and therefore, you don’t owe her anything.
She obviously is treating you like you’re not that important to her. Don’t make somebody a priority in your life if you’re certainly not a priority in theirs. But you’ve got to remember, in these situations, it takes time for a woman to fall in love, it takes time for her to fall out of love, and it takes time for her to fall back in love. Because if she was back in love and felt like she had gotten the best guy she should get, she’d be spending the weekends with you. She’d be taking you out, wanting to show you off to everybody. And she’d want everybody, including the men around her, to know that she’s taken and she’s proudly taken by you. But she’s not doing that.
It’s like you’re just begging for her attention and validation and for her to pay attention to you and spend more time with you. You can’t force a woman to want to do these things. If you acted like a prize and you acted like a catch, she would be doing all of the pursuing and trying to win you back over. And you’re obviously not doing that. You may have done it for the first few weeks, but it looks like you’ve probably reverted right back to the behavior you were exhibiting that turned her off that led to you getting dumped in the first place.
Basically, she’s behind my ass all day and stays at my place almost every day from Monday to Thursday. But when the night comes or she has any social event or party, she just passes by me and hangs out with other people. For example, two days ago she slept at my place, and hung out until 8 pm, (as I work remotely), but after that she said goodbye because she had a party and didn’t even ask me to go with her. This kind of behavior is pretty common, and I feel like I’m her option just when she’s bored or wants attention.
It’s understandable, but again, your mindset is totally wrong, dude. You’re looking at this from the perspective of, “I’ve got to win her over. I’ve got to win her back,” instead of, “Hey, she messed up a good thing.” Granted, you displayed some unattractive behavior that turned her off, but you should have the attitude of, “Hey, I’m doing her a favor by giving her another chance to win me over. And based on her behavior on the weekends, that’s not the kind of thing that’s going to make me want to commit to her.”
And she could tell you’re more into her than she’s into you. And the reason she’s not taking you along on the weekends is because from her actions, it seems like she expects to find somebody that she connects with better, that doesn’t act soft and weak like you have in the past. And then once that happens, she’ll fade away or she’ll break it off for good.
I don’t mean to be needy or to act butt hurt…
…but I’m not willing to tolerate more of that behavior.
Again, you’re like, “I’ve got to lock this girl down to a commitment.” That does not work, dude. It’s the woman’s job to make a relationship happen. That is feminine energy and you are acting like a chick. That’s a big core root of your issues. And it doesn’t matter what happens with this girl, if you continue to act this way, every woman you will ever be with will treat you the same way eventually. Because you’re acting like you don’t deserve her. You’re acting like you’re unworthy. A man who loves himself and values himself is going to let the woman come to him, and he’s going to let the best one win.
But when you act unworthy, women are going to treat you like that. Like I said earlier, if you act like a bitch, women are going to treat you like a bitch. The red pill guys get really upset when I say that, but it’s true. You act like a pussy, women will treat you like a pussy. They’re not going to respect you. They’re going to walk all over you and treat you like dirt.
I just feel she uses me to pass time, and I’m bored of going out to dinner or just cuddling in my place.
Yeah, this guy’s totally needy, totally insecure. “Mommy, Mommy, pay attention to me!”
Because every weekend I’ve tried to go out with her, she already has other plans.
“Every weekend I try to go out with her,” does that sound like a guy that has a mindset of, “Hey, I’m going to let her win me over?” Or does that sound like a guy that’s begging for her attention? You’re treating her like a celebrity, and so, guess what? She’s treating you like a fan. This is not surprising. This is as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and the sun setting in the west.
What would you recommend?
I’d recommend not doing a damn thing. I’d recommend on the weekends that you’d be busy having other plans. And when she wants to come over, you’re like, “Oh, sorry, babe. I’ve got plans.” “Oh, what are you doing?” “I’m just going to go hang out with some friends.” “Oh, can I come?” “Nah, I’ll be with some friends I’m going to catch up with, but I’ll get together with you on Monday though.” Make her wonder what you’re doing. Start acting like the prize. Stop acting like you’re unworthy. It’s not helping you. It’s unattractive. She wants to feel like she got the best, and you don’t act like the best. You act like an afterthought, so she treats you that way.
I don’t know if I should stand my ground or just start to remove my attention slowly.
Well, the other thing is you’re probably doing a lot of chasing and pursuing. If you’re trying to reach out to her and see what she’s doing on the weekend, you’re not letting her do all of the pursuing. You’re letting her do some of it. And like I said, a lot of guys in your situation, what happens is when the girl comes back, they let her do all the pursuing the first few weeks, and they go right back to doing the same behavior as before. They go right back to pursuing, and they chase her right back out of their life. They literally revert to what turned her off in the first place.
I know I’ve been inviting her to act this way…
There you go. There’s the admission.
…but I know I deserve to be a priority to the woman I’m with.
Remember what I always say, you don’t get what you deserve in life, you only get what you negotiate. And you’re not acting like a man who should be a priority to anybody. You’re acting like a guy who nobody wants to be with. Therefore, she treats you that way. So stop calling her, stop texting her. Let her do all the pursuing, and make dates when you hear from her. Simple as that.
You should be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” and I can tell that you’re not doing that just from the actions here. Now, granted, I don’t know if this woman has integrity or not, because there’s not enough information here. But you’re obviously not together. She’s not committed to you. You’re not committed to her. So, if she acts like she’s single on the weekends, guess what? You need to be acting that way, too.
And quite frankly, you really shouldn’t give a shit. You should have the attitude of, let the best girl win you over, instead of trying to treat her like a celebrity and beg her to pay attention to you. It’s like, you’re literally doing the opposite of the things I teach. And so, her behavior is totally predictable. You’ve got to cut it out, dude.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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