What it means and what you should do when your girlfriend asks for a pause in the relationship.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 28-year-old viewer who has read 3% Man, 2 times and has been dating his girlfriend for 2 years. Recently, he had leg surgery and was out of contact for a few days. His girlfriend started ignoring him and then asked for a pause in their relationship. She said she felt like he didn’t care about the relationship. However, what he says and what his girlfriend is saying and doing do not line up.
He asks what he can do to turn things around because he feels like chasing her now to fix things. He asks my opinion on how to turn it around. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Well, that’s obviously sub-optimal. I’ve got an email from a 28-year-old guy. He says he’s read 3% Man, two times so far, and he’s been dating his girlfriend for two years. He said recently he had some leg surgery and he says he basically didn’t call or contact his girlfriend for three days. Then after that, she basically wanted a pause in their relationship.
So the way the email is written, he kind of makes it sound like he was doing a great job at courting her, remember they had been together two years, as soon as he has some leg surgery, she’s ready for a pause. So it’s obvious before this happened, her interest had been dropping and him disappearing for three days was basically the straw that broke the camel’s back because she basically said that he acted like he didn’t care about the relationship.
From this, what it looks like is he has not been making her feel heard and understood because he is taking her places and doing things, but if she doesn’t feel heard and understood, the legs are going to close, which obviously they have. So now he’s feeling the urge to reach out and call more and to text more and try to do something, because she’s reiterating again that, “Hey, she needs a pause.”
In other words, she wants some space, but the way she phrased it is she wants a pause because he’s from France. A little bit of an English saying, but basically she says, “Hey, I need space.” Women don’t ask for space from men that they’re in love with. They ask for space from guys who they’ve lost attraction and respect for, and maybe there’s another guy in the picture because it looks like they’re a little bit long distance and they only see each other once or twice a month. So I guess they’ve kind of moved apart at some point.
Hello Coach Corey,
I’ve read your book two times and I’ve watched countless of your videos.
I am a 28-year-old male living in Nice, France. I am an engineer. My girlfriend is 20 years old, she’s from Kazakhstan. We met at the University in Paris two years ago, however, we began dating in January of this year.
Our relationship was a true love story. Night dates in Paris.
“We’ll always have Paris.” Paris is beautiful, and it’s a great city to take your girlfriend or your wife. It’s very romantic. Especially if your girlfriend is hot and she’s fit and in shape, there are a lot of boutiques around there that have really unique, great fitting clothes and it’s fun. It’s fun to take your girl someplace and dress her up in some hot looking outfits.
Plus, when you get back to wherever you’re from, she’s going to love showing those outfits off to her friends and family.
We were just having fun and enjoying each other’s presence. In March, I had to move from Paris to Nice for my professional life.
So they’ve been long distance since March.
However, we were seeing each other every two weeks as I was traveling to see her, and she was coming to see me in Nice.
So they basically went from seeing each other all the time to now they see each other twice a month.
In June she left Paris for Italy to do her two-month internship. We were still seeing each other every two weeks. She was coming to Nice and I was going to Italy to see her.
I was constantly dating, taking her to restaurants and courting her. We’ve visited many cities in the south of France and the west of Italy.
Things went sideways when a few weeks ago I had a leg surgery and I haven’t called her for a few days.
What does this mean? You were ignoring her? Were you in a coma? I don’t know what that means.
After this, she was ignoring my messages and calls for three days (just after my surgery).
That sounds like she was mad at you for some reason.
Eventually, I got a message that she needs a pause because she felt that I don’t care about her and she didn’t get the proper relationship assurance from me. Also, she told me that she doesn’t want to speak with me for a few days.
When a woman asks for space like that, you got to give it to her. Women ask for space because they feel like they’re being smothered. They don’t ask for space because you’ve been ignoring them. They ask for space when you are smothering them and they’ve lost attraction for you.
So we can see from his email, he kind of says, “Hey, I was dating and courting her properly.” “Uh, she’s asking for a space, bro,” so I don’t know what that means. He didn’t call her for a few days. Does that mean you had surgery and you ignored her for a few days? I don’t know what that means, because when I look at what she says and does and what he’s telling me he’s saying and doing, they don’t match. So something is off. There’s a little bit of bullshit fuckery going on in this guy’s email.
I wrote to her that I’d messed up because I forgot to take care of her, however, I’ve asked her to be more understanding because I’ve had surgery. I’ve told her that I want to improve our relationship and move forward. I promised to improve myself, I asked her to call me when she’ll be ready to speak with me and I left it there.
I’m assuming just from what he says, if he’s only read the book twice, that maybe he’s new to my work and is trying to turn things around after he got asked for space.
I know that I’ve messed up and the surgery doesn’t justify anything.
It also seems like he was just ignoring her. If he didn’t talk to her for three days, that’s what it looks like, but it’s hard to tell because he’s not really being truthful or honest in his email.
I take masculine responsibility for what has happened, and I am going to improve because this mistake hurts.
I am not sure what to do. It’s been one week since our last message exchange. She hasn’t contacted me yet. I was thinking of writing to her, but I don’t know If I should because she wanted a pause…
She asked for space. You’ve got to take a step back. She’s now in Italy. She’s on an internship, so she’s getting exposed to new people. So who knows? Maybe she met somebody there and she already had low attraction for you.
Typically, if she’s wanting a pause, it’s because she feels smothered, and maybe there’s another dude in the picture. The reality is, I would have to say, if I look at her actions, he was making a lot of mistakes. Maybe he’s made a lot of mistakes since March since they weren’t living together. Maybe it’s always been this way.
Like I said, it looks like he’s new to my work because I’m trying to read this email and piece together what’s happening and I have a dude that’s not really being forthcoming and honest in the email. What I do know is when a woman says she wants a pause or she wants space, it’s because she feels smothered. That means you’re pursuing too much and you’re acting weak and you’re acting beta.
I don’t know really exactly what he was actually doing and saying because again, he wasn’t truthful or forthcoming in his email because he’s trying to present the image that he was dating her properly. If I look at her actions in what she’s actually saying, she’s trying to get away from this guy. So she’s trying to get away from him, then that would seem that he was smothering her.
When she’s asked for a pause, you’ve got to give it to her. Just say, “All right babe. Call me later,” so when she misses you, because part of what it is she wants to see that he actually has the balls to give her space. So I don’t know what was left out, but you got to give her space. Then when you hear from her, make the next date.
If she says, “Well, I don’t want to be together anymore, I met somebody else,” and you say, “Well, that’s not what I want. We got two years of history and you’re just going to blow it off?” It’s like, “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way. It’s not what I want, but if that’s what you’re going to do, that’s what you’re going to do. Call me if you change your mind.” Then if she does reach out, then you’re going to be following the script in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back where she’s got to come to you for at least the next three dates.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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