What it means and what you should do when your girlfriend asks for space & says you shouldn’t wait for her.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 23-year-old viewer who has been following my work for about four years and read 3% Man, only four times. He didn’t follow instructions and slowly reverted back to his beta male ways. He acted needy, smothering and quit his job without having anything else lined up. He also stopped dating and courting her.
They were living together at her parents house, but he has since moved out. She is seeking therapy and told him not to wait for her. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Obviously, if you’re hearing something like that, it’s less than ideal. Typically when a woman says, “I need space,” it usually means you’ve been pursuing too much to the point where she feels smothered and she feels like she’s losing her freedom interacting with you. As the late, great Thich Nhat Hanh used to say, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
What’s happening is the woman, for whatever reason, is not feeling free again, usually to over-pursuing, needy behavior, seeking attention and validation from her, turning your girl into your mommy and your therapist, needing attaboys from her, instead of the way men are supposed to be, which is the attaboys they get from themselves. They got to learn to make themselves happy, because women are the feminine ones, the emotional ones that are way more in touch with their emotions and empathy than us guys are.
What you see in the culture, movies, TV, people that are on TV and the news is the men act very feminine and girly and the women act very stoic and masculine. When you’re making a movie, you can pull those archetypes off and have a happy ending. In real life, when you behave that way, men and women are both acting out of alignment with their true masculine or feminine nature, and it ruins the sexual polarity.
That’s why when a guy acts this way, when he acts needy, acts insecure, he constantly needs reassurance of where he stands with her, constantly needs reassurance that she still cares, it turns her stomach and repulses her, but in the movies she gushes over it.
If you grow up in a home where you don’t have a healthy family or a healthy parents to look up to and learn this from, and you learn from what you see in movies and TV shows, what’s happening is you’re getting emotionally anchored to dysfunctional ways of showing up and being in the real world that are the opposite of what you need to do.
That’s why guys in these situations often find themselves repulsing the women in their lives instead of attracting the women to them, because women want the guy to be more masculine than they are. When you act more feminine than the woman does, you’re going to force her to be into her masculine and she’s going to resent it, she’s going to get grumpy, bitchy, push you away typically. Which is basically what’s happened in this guy’s email here.
Hello, Coach Corey,
I’m 23 and have been following you for about four years now. I admittedly thought I knew The Book front to back and have only read it 4-5 times.
Maybe that is once a year, you’ve been reading it? What typically happens, because I’ve seen this so many times over the years, guys come across my work, reads the book two or three times. He’s like, “Wow, this works amazing. I got it. I must be smarter than what Corey expects. So I really don’t need to read this thing 10-15 times,” because quite frankly, reading a book 10-15 times is a pain in the ass.
Let’s be honest. Nobody wants to read this 10-15 times, but when you’re serious about it, when you’ve been burned enough, when you’re tired of getting blown off and dumped by the girls that you really like, that causes a lot of emotional pain. The harsh reality is it’s only about every two or three years that somebody comes along that you really click with, who has similar goals, similar values, and it just feels easy and effortless to meet them.
When that person is out of your life because you, in essence, chase them away, that stings like hell. It’s horrible. Then you’re thinking, “Man, it’s going to be another two to three years, maybe four years, before I meet somebody else I click with on that level,” and you’re going to suffer. That’s an unpleasant thought.
When that happens enough, you get enough pain and you get burned enough, you realize, “You know what? My approach is not working. Maybe I should do what the little blue book says.” Read it 10-15 times, because you’ve got to remember you’re undoing a lifetime of programming of dysfunctional ways of thinking and being, and you don’t even really know that you’re anchored to it.
The reason you read it 10-15 times is so you learn the ebb and flow from pick-up skills to dating skills to relationship skills. You don’t just say, “Hey, I’m in a relationship, I just need to learn the relationship stuff.” You need everything. You need all the tools that are in the toolbox and this blue book. Over the almost 20 years I’ve been doing this, it’s like when I do phone sessions with guys, I’d say probably 90-95% of them that are struggling with the women in their lives are struggling because they don’t know the material.
Here’s yet another guy who thought, “I knew it.” He diluted himself because things went so well in the pick-up and the dating phase that he really didn’t learn the ebb and flow of how the book went. Probably it’s been several years that he went through it. So what happens is he slowly reverts back to the way he used to be, because the reality is the archetype is still constantly presented to us in the culture.
It takes learning the book backwards and forwards and most importantly, seeing what I say in the book, show up in the real world, show up in your life and the lives of other people that you observe. Once you get to know it backwards and forwards and you see that and you get emotionally anchored to the proper ways, the natural ways that men and women are supposed to interact with one another, that’s how you’re able to overcome the societal programming and condition.
When you watch these goofy movies where the man basically acts like a woman through the whole movie and yet he still happens to get the girl, you can laugh your ass off at it and know that shit don’t work in the real world. If you just kind of gone through the book a couple of times and it was several years ago and you get into a relationship, you get lulled back to sleep because you really didn’t undo the negative programming.
If you’re watching this, I implore you to take the time. It is worth the time to read this book 10-15 times and learn it backwards and forwards so well, you could give a class on it. You could read the book a thousand times, if you don’t actually interact with women or apply with women, you’re still not going to get better. You need successful repetitions of doing things the right way and you need enough successful repetitions of doing it the right way to undo the emotional conditioning and programming that we’ve all been subjected to.
I’ve been in a relationship for almost two years now with my girlfriend (22), we had our issues mostly due to me not controlling my emotions properly (getting mad)…
In other words, getting mad and blowing his top. In other words, a jack-in-the-box. He gets perturbed, he gets butt-hurt, and masculinity is supposed to be calm. If you’ve ever been around friends who had kids and one or both of the parents gets upset and they start yelling at each other, what happens? The kids usually start crying and freaking out because they don’t feel safe. When the man loses his shit, nobody feels safe. So that has to stop.
Granted, people are going to get on your nerves. Women especially are very good at getting on our nerves, but the key is you can get mad, you can get upset, but it shouldn’t be where you live, and it shouldn’t be to the point where you blow your top and you’re yelling and screaming at each other.
It is also important that you have a woman that respects you and your authority and will listen to you and not talk bad and try to cause things to spiral out of control because there’s a lot of bum bitches out there that they grew up where yelling and screaming was just the norm. As soon as the buttons get pushed, they go from 0 to 100 just like that. Then you’re in a yelling and screaming match.
So it behooves you, especially if you’re having trouble attracting your girl and you’re used to blowing your top, you have to knock that shit off. Masculinity is calm. Feminine energy is chaos. When a man loses his shit and acts like a jack-in-the-box, he’s acting like a girl. That’s why it really turns women off.
…But I’ve really harnessed them the last 4-6 months. Both of my parents passed away in my teens and I was left to live with some family friends that ended up being controlling and manipulative. They caused great strain on our relationship because they did not like her and tried to control when and where I saw her. I finally got the courage to leave last month and move in with her and her parents till we both finish school and can afford a house.
Well, the reality is, as a man, when I was 21 years old, I had my own apartment. I had a brand new pick-up truck that I had decked out. It was all customized. I was always hustling. I was always working, and I was tending bar when I was 21 years old and my dad was a manager. I think it was at Linen Supermarket, if I remember right, which that company has since gone bankrupt many years ago.
I’m 20 plus years younger than my dad. Yet here I am at 21 years old and I’m making more money in a week than he was. That flabbergasted him. I was tending bar, obviously for those of you that know. I was going to school full time, but I was also working full time. I had a job in the construction industry and I also was tending bar in the week. So I was probably working 60 or 70 hours a week. I was hustling, I was getting after it. I wasn’t sitting around waiting for handouts and I didn’t want to live at home. That’s why I moved out when I was 21, I had my own place. So that’s something you should be doing.
I think this guy said, he’s 23? I mean, comparing yourself to me, you’re a little behind the eight ball. Granted, I get you’re still in school and everything, but you could be working and earning enough money to where you could get a decent place, even if it’s a small efficiency or a studio apartment somewhere. You’ve got to have your own space. It’s easy just to go live with her parents because the bills are cheap, but at the end of the day, you’re living under their roof and their rules.
If you want a woman to trust your masculine core, you should be getting a place together, not going and living with her parents and not working on top of that, which you’ll see in a minute.
A couple days before I moved out, she contacted me and said she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be in a relationship anymore and basically had a mental breakdown because of the stress the people had caused and me mishandling the situation (I became complacent and lazy with our relationship).
More than likely, she no longer felt heard and understood, and he was not dating and courting her properly. On top of that, he’s got family members that are berating her and talking shit about her. More than likely, because again, he didn’t know the book and didn’t take the time to learn because he was lazy and half-assing it, he caused his girl to feel like he couldn’t protect her, so he just allowed his family members, or the people that he lived with, to abuse her and their relationship.
A woman is not going to trust your masculine core when you do that shit, and then you go right from living in the abusive environment to now you’re living with her parents. That’s not an ideal situation. I personally would not have done that at your age. Like I said, I had my own apartment. I had a two bedroom, two bath apartment when I was 21-22 years old. I had a brand new car. I bought all my clothes. I was saving money. I was doing really well.
I also left my job behind because I worked for the people I was staying with, so I’m in between jobs right now.
Quite frankly dude, that’s irresponsible. Just up and quit your job and you got nothing else lined up? How is a woman supposed to trust you and your leadership when you just up and quit your job like that with nothing lined up? That’s totally irresponsible. It’s going to have a negative effect on her attraction towards you.
You’re supposed to be the man, the leader, the head of the household. When something happens, you just solve it. Instead, you basically are still acting like a child living at her parent’s house. On top of that, not working.
This bothers her because she feels that I am home all day doing nothing when I’m in fact on the computer taking lessons and trading stocks.
Well, I don’t think you’re a multimillionaire trading stocks, obviously, at this point. So you should be working. That’s why she doesn’t like it. Maybe you’re making excuses for it and your bills are cheap because you’re living with her parents. At the end of the day, 23-year-old dude living with your girlfriend’s parents, that’s not very masculine. That’s kind of bitching out on life.
I know it’s harsh, but I’m not going to blow sunshine up your ass because you’re the one that’s gotten dumped here because you didn’t follow what’s in the book. Masculine energy grows through challenge. I’m just telling you what you need to focus on.
I’ve started to court her again and go and do things she enjoys but I’ve also been acting needy somewhat due to me being stressed out from uprooting my life and starting all over again, I also carry some baggage from the death of my parents. This has taken a toll on her well-being because she deals with some mental issues as well. She has lost feelings for me over the past 2 weeks…
Well, it’s not just the past two weeks, dude. It’s been going on for months. You basically, don’t know for how long, you’ve been abdicating your leadership role in the relationship for a long time.
…And I know I’ve done some things wrong but find it strange it happened so quick, just 2 1/2 weeks ago she was all over me and asking when we are getting engaged and what not.
Like I said, it didn’t just happen in two and a half weeks. It’s been long and coming. You’ve been falling down all over the place, and I’ve been pointing these out throughout your email.
Two days ago, she had another breakdown and said she’s been losing feelings for me and is stressed out with her school and body dysmorphia and that she need some space to find herself.
Yeah, because you’re no longer acting like a man. You’re basically acting like another child. You’re a roommate at this point. You’re now letting your girlfriend’s parents take care of you, which is totally not masculine at all dude.
She also mentioned she isn’t sure if she can be in a relationship.
So you’ve turned this girl off to the point where she doesn’t even want to be with you anymore, because you’re no longer the same dude that she fell in love with.
This has made her parents angry at her and basically told her to go stay somewhere else for a couple nights. So that’s what she did and said she wanted to be alone. Before she left, she told me she loved me and gave me a kiss. How should I proceed?
Get your shit together, dude. Be a man. Go out and get a real fucking job and do something where you can make enough money so you can get a small place on your own. It can be a studio apartment, an efficiency, maybe there’s housing on campus or whatever that you can get for a discounted rate. Dude, you’re 23 years old. You need to fucking grow up.
I was going to go no contact, but should I reach out to check on her and reassure her due to her mental breakdown?
Again, if you’d have taken the time to learn the book, you would know that when a woman asks for space, the worst thing you can do is be calling, texting her and be all up in her shit trying to spend time with her. You got to let her be. When a woman says, “I need space,” you give her space. When she’s tired of the space, she’ll reach out.
I know she still loves me, but this has me in a weird situation since I’m still at her house with her parents.
That was a few weeks ago.
Update: I have since moved out, but she told me to leave some of my belongings and that she would bring them over later.
Well, the reason women want you to leave belongings there is it gives them a reason to contact you.
She keeps reaching out almost every day to check on me in one form of another and is keeping tabs on me to see if I’m seeing someone else. I don’t feed into any of it.
Well, the phone is for setting dates dude. You got to get back into the book and fill in your knowledge gap because your game sucks and it’s absolutely atrocious. I can tell from your email you have no fucking clue what you’re doing.
She says she doesn’t want to work on anything right now and she still needs space.
Well, a man’s job in the courtship is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, to have fun and to hook up. If she’s reaching out, invite her over, make dinner, hang out, have fun, hook up, follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. It’s really basic, really simple. Being her emotional tampon on the phone is not what the book teaches.
I decide to pick up the rest of my belongings while she was gone, and she left a note under my desk with a few of our pictures. She said she is going to therapy, and she will never be with someone else…
Remember, women tend to take the little things, they go, “Oh, it’s the end of the world. I’ll never be with somebody else. It’s so horrible.” It’s just the emotions. Don’t take it personal. It’s just indicative of how she’s feeling in the moment.
…But doesn’t want me to wait on her because she is a lost cause.
Well, she needs to fix herself. That’s it. It’s not your responsibility to handle her mental health issues. It’s like, she’s got to take care of herself. As the late, great Jim Rohn said, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.”
I still love this girl and have been sticking to no contact. Do I respond to the note or just pretend I never read it?
Don’t respond to the note. Next time she reaches out, say, “Hey babe, let’s get together and make dinner at my place. Invite her over, hang out, have fun, hook up. When she leaves, say, “Call me later.”
You got to let her do all the calling, texting and pursuing, and you simply make dates in the evening that can lead to sex at your place. As long as she comes over three dates in a row, you hook up all three times, you can start meeting her out, picking her up and going out on dates, but you got to let her do all the pursuing.
You have to let her come to you at her pace. You can’t force things. Again, read the book dude. Get the audio book, put it on two-speed and follow along in a digital or physical copy. If you do not fill in your knowledge gap, this is going to be totally unrecoverable, because like I said, your game just is absolutely atrocious. You have no idea what you’re doing. If you said you read the book four or five times, more than likely you probably only read it two or three times, and that was four or five years ago when you first found me.
Like I said, you have no clue what you’re doing. You better get your shit together dude, and take this seriously. Otherwise the next girl, you will lose her for exactly the same reasons.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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