What you should do if your girlfriend ran into her ex-boyfriend and then asks you for a break.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer whose girlfriend started becoming distant a few months ago. She also confessed at that time that she ran into an ex of hers. He started to become needy and this pushed her away and made her become even more distant. He said he started acting like a woman.
Eventually, she asked for a break. Recently, she came by to see him at his new place, but he didn’t try to seduce her. He asks what he should do now. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This brings up a good point. They were all living together. He was living with her sister and another girlfriend of her sister and his girlfriend. And so, what happened is he moved out, they broke up, therefore, it’s her job to fix things. She pushed him away, she let him go.
Now, if you’re a high value, high status man who’s successful, has a great social life, lots of friends, lots of family, he’s very active, he’s going to constantly be out and about and socializing with other people, and he’s just simply going to attract other women to him. The idea is that a high value man always has lots of choices.
Granted, he admits he was making mistakes, but after three years together and living together, she pushes him away, more than likely went and explored things with the other friends with benefits guy that had come back into her life, and now she comes back in the picture. Would you be in a rush to want to get back together with somebody like that?
I certainly wouldn’t want to be, because it looks like she timed out their relationship so she could go explore things with this other guy that she used to hook up with. And then, obviously, it didn’t work out, and now she got back in touch. The idea is, what I talk about in How To Be A 3% Man, you’re going to treat all women the same. You’ll either get her back, or you’ll get somebody better. So, with that said, you’re not going to be in a rush to get somebody like that back.
She’s got to earn a chance with him, not the other way around. And if you’ve got new options, why would you want to get back together with a woman that basically blew you off, started hooking up with some other dude? And that didn’t work out, so now she’s back for another chance. You’re not going to be in a rush. She’s going to have to earn it. She’s going to have to make some serious effort.
So, despite the fact he didn’t do anything when she came over, we’ll go through his email and see what he did right and what he did wrong. The idea is, what’s the mindset of somebody? Because my job as a coach is to help people get what they want, to put him in the position where he can get another opportunity with this woman to decide whether or not he wants to give her another chance. So, it’s important the vibe that you give off.
Even if he doesn’t have any other options, you want to behave just like a guy who does have choice with women. And so, if she blew you off after three years to go explore something with another guy, you’re probably not even going to really want to get back together with her. Because love is allowing, you will give her the opportunity to try to win you over. Plus, quite frankly, it’s good for the ego. He wrote an email, so he obviously cares, he still wants another chance. But I want to put him in the position where he has all the cards and all the power.
If he starts hanging out, having fun and hooking up with her again, he has the choice to decide whether to go into a relationship with her at some point, or to just hang out and have fun and hook up for a period of time, and then just say, “Yeah, after everything that happened, I don’t really want to get serious. I like you, I like hooking up, I like seeing you, but I don’t want to get serious anymore.” I want to put him in the position where he has all the cards and all the power, because as a man, that’s the way it’s supposed to be anyway.
First, I want to thank you for all of the knowledge you are providing to people like myself. I have read your book 4 times so far after my girlfriend dumped me after nearly 3 years together. We moved in with each other in August of 2020, along with her sister and her best friend she grew up with, (all women).
Those are good odds, actually.
Looking back on it, I feel this was the wrong thing for my ex and I to have done in the timeline of our relationship.
Maybe he’s young, doesn’t have a lot of money and they’re sharing expenses. These things are going to happen. But it’s not an ideal situation. I personally wouldn’t be doing that, but it is what it is.
In April and May of this year, she started to become a little distant, and it eventually led to a point where she wanted some space for a week.
Typically, when a woman wants space, it’s because she feels smothered.
This was also briefly after she had confessed during some pillow talk that she was out with her best friend from college, and she ran into a previous FWB she had in college.
Any guy that doesn’t know any better, that hasn’t read “How To Be A 3% Man,” more than likely, he’s going to get a little insecure about that. And if she’s pulling away, and now she’s talking about another guy and says, “Oh, you don’t have to worry about him, it was just a friends with benefits,” when a woman tells you not to worry about that guy, yeah, you should worry about it. But if you start acting needy and insecure and controlling, you’ll actually drive her right into his arms and continue turning her off.
She told me she had felt something between the two of them while catching up that night. After this, she continuously became more and more distant, as I started to become more desperate and needy and acting like a woman.
Yeah, that’s the exact opposite of what you should do, especially when she’s asking for space and then you start to pursue more. I mean, the reality is you were living with her. Where’s she going to go? If she’s not around, more than likely she might be hanging out with this other dude. But if you act needy and unworthy and like you don’t feel like you deserve her, you’ll literally push her away.
As I pushed her away even more, I gave her an ultimatum of not hanging out with me and my group of friends, unless she knew for a fact she wanted to be with me. The next day, she broke it off. I gave her the “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” speech, and have successfully not reach out to her. She reached out to me last Thursday and let me know she was close to my new apartment and wanted to come and check it out, so she came over on short notice.
Well, the formula is simple, hang out, have fun, hook up. Nothing about getting back together or a relationship, because that’s something that she’d really have to jump through her butt to earn. But you might give her a mercy fuck, another ride around the block for old time’s sake.
I did not seduce her, (dumb), and probably didn’t give off the vibe that I was interested.
That’s actually okay. Yeah, you should have seduced her. You should have assumed that she wanted to see you. But if your dance card is already pretty full with new girls of better quality and you really want to see where it goes with them, and now the ex comes back in the picture, yeah, you’ve got three years with her and it obviously stung what happened, but why should you be in a rush to give her a chance after that?
She can get in line. Take a number, babe! You’re not going to say that to her, but that should be your mindset. Take a number. I’ll get to you when I can. I’ll see if I can fit you in. She doesn’t go from him not hearing from her and probably going and sleeping with this other guy, because she ended it, therefore she’s got to fix it. She’s got to get you back. She’s got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. So, if your dance card is full of new girls, because you’re a high value man, you’re not going be in a rush. So, it actually can work to your advantage.
Should I reach out to her now and try to set up a date, or have I waited too long for this to happen?
Once again, thank for everything you do,
I would absolutely not reach out to her. As I talk about in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” she’s got to do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. And if you’re skeptical, if you feel like you got burned, especially when another guy came in the picture and she’s like, “Oh, by the way, I kind of have feelings for him,” it’s like, “I don’t want to hear that. If you’re my girlfriend of three years, I don’t want to hear you talk about some other dude, and you’ve got feelings for him.” It’s like, “Hmm, yeah. I’m going to have to think about that one. I’ll get around to it later.”
I wouldn’t call or do anything, because it’s on her to be enticing. It’s on her to communicate why you should give her another chance. So, the fact that you didn’t do anything, yeah, I would have hung out, had fun and hooked up with her if I was in your shoes in that situation, but what’s done is done. And the reality is you haven’t heard from her in several months. You’re not living together anymore.
And she’s probably going to be wondering, “He didn’t try to kiss me. Is he over me? Is he dating somebody else? Did he find somebody better? Did he find a girl that’s prettier and younger than me? Does he have a new girlfriend?” Obviously, you’re not going to share what’s going on in your personal life because, quite frankly, it ain’t none of her damn business anymore. She fucked up. You know what she’s like. You know what you’ve got there. You drove that car for three years.
So, I would wait to hear from her, and if you do, invite her over to your place to make dinner together, just like I talk about in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” Hang out, have fun, hook up. If she comes over three dates in a row and you hang out and have fun and hook up all three times, again, let her do 100% of calling, texting and pursuing. You don’t pursue a woman that ditches you for another guy, because you’re enabling your behavior. You’re communicating that it’s okay to do that.
Why would you be in a rush? You’ve got a new place, you’ve got new girls in your life, you’re not going to be in a rush. Like Rumi said, “Slow and steady, like the river that never grows stale. No hurry, no rush.” Hang out, have fun, hook up.
In the meantime, if I was you, I’d be reading “How To Be A 3% Man,” I’d be reading “Mastering Yourself,” and obviously my sweet new book of quotes, “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations,” which is available everywhere. I’d be dating and meeting other women, and may the best girl win.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge you’d like to get my help with, either personal or professional, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“When a woman has romantic interest in a man, but he doesn’t act upon the subtle cues of her interest, his inaction usually will cause her to become bolder and make even more overt displays of her interest. A man who already has enough attention from women and whose romantic dance card is pretty full is going to be in no rush to try and fit anyone else in, unless she’s really special. This helps to contribute to the woman becoming more aggressive to get his attention, validation and interest. A man who moves at a slightly slower speed than the women who are interested in him creates the conditions where women are always chasing to get his attention and interest. This is how high value men with lots of choices naturally are that attracts women to them like magnets. Acting like a high value man brings choice with women.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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