My Girlfriend Wants Me To Open Up More Emotionally?

What it means and what you should do when your girlfriend says you should open up more to her emotionally.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says that his girlfriend told him he needed to open up more emotionally on his end. He didn’t really ask good, high quality questions on what she actually meant. He pretended to listen to her to placate her, but he is still confused as to what she really wants from him.

He doesn’t really sound like he’s read the book the required 10-15 times and probably has just thumbed through it and been cherry picking information from videos. This kind of sloppiness, laziness and not taking learning the material seriously is what leads to unnecessary breakups. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

I’ve got an email. This is from a guy, he says he’s been following my work for almost two years and he says he’s been through my book 3% Man “a number of times.” What that tells me, after following me for two years, is he’s probably thumbed through it a few times, but not really taken it seriously when I say you need to read it 10 to 15 times. And so, he’s been with his girlfriend for ten months, and is like a lot of guys who just simply don’t listen and they’re lazy; they don’t take the time to learn the fundamentals. They learn the pickup skills and the dating skills, and since they’re hooking up, they’re like, “I’ve got this. I don’t need to read the book 10 to 15 times like Corey says. I’m special.” And then they get ten months down the line, and they don’t know how to communicate with their girl effectively.

When I do phone sessions with guys, there’s always two reasons why their long-term relationships are not doing well: it’s either their girl doesn’t feel heard and understood, or they stop dating and courting them properly. The romance ended, in other words. The complaint that women have is that men are romantic at first, and then once they know they’ve got you, then they stop dating and courting you. They just want to sit at home and order takeout pizza, and get a two-liter bottle of soda, and watch a movie, “Netflix and chill,” and that becomes the routine. They no longer put in the effort. And so, here he’s ten months down the road, he’s basically thumbed through my book (he says “a number of times,” so that just sounds like a bullshit answer and he really hasn’t taken it seriously). He’s been cherry picking videos, because even after going through his email, he doesn’t really understand where she was coming from because he didn’t ask good quality questions.

And so, since he didn’t ask good quality questions, it’s kind of hard to figure out. But what’s interesting is I did a video about a month ago, and it was one that I did with Jocelyn. It was a viewer question. It’s on Instagram. It’s also on my Rumble account at Coach Corey Wayne, and it’s on YouTube. But you’ll see what I’m talking about. The title of the video that I did with Jocelyn was “My Ex & I Got Back Together, They Suck At Expressing Emotions, Any Tips?” And so, as we were going through this question, she started relating it to something she’s had problems with her boyfriend with. And so, she’s like, “Well, he’s not very good at expressing his emotions or sharing his emotions and feelings.” And I started digging deeper.

You can kind of see the metamorphosis in the video, because it doesn’t make any sense what she’s telling me. And then when we get to the root issue – because I’m asking good quality questions, especially like “What do you mean? I don’t understand where you’re coming from” – it turns out that her boyfriend doesn’t make her feel heard and understood. In other words, he’s not good at facilitating getting her to talk, and open up, and express herself.

And so, when she wants to express herself and him to listen, oftentimes he’s trying to give her advice, and that makes her feel like he’s not listening. And women often will complain, “No, you’re not listening!” And it’s like, “What are you talking about? I’m right here. I am listening!” But us guys, because we’re logically brained, we want to solve the problem, we want to fix it. And there’s times when a woman wants our advice, but oftentimes, it’s that really she just wants us to listen and be a sounding board and facilitate her talking.

Remember, men and women, all of us project what’s inside. And so, when a woman accuses a man or says he’s not good at expressing his emotions, what’s really going on is he’s not good at facilitating opening her up. And that’s what happened when I did this, where Jocelyne and I were having this conversation. It was a really good video to capture that – how a woman explains something and it sounds like she’s talking about one thing, but in reality, it’s something completely different.

And so, Jocelyn is complaining that her boyfriend is not good at expressing emotions, and what it really was is he wasn’t good at connecting to her emotionally, in other words, making her feel like he actually understood where she was coming from. And even though this guy is a little vague because he asks lousy questions, he doesn’t really know what he’s doing, I can tell he’s kind of a pleaser. It’s like, he kind of bullshitted his girlfriend into thinking that he understood where she was coming from, but he still walked away from the conversations going “I have no idea what she wants.”

So, this is more of an advanced type of thing. If you’re in a relationship and you don’t understand how to do this, you’re going to struggle in long-term relationships. Because when a woman doesn’t feel heard and understood, she’s not going to feel like you care. And if she doesn’t feel like you care and she doesn’t feel heard and understood, she’s not going to want to sleep with you, and the sex is going to go away. And that’s where the guys run into problems down the road. At first, they’re hanging out, have fun, and hooking up, like “Ah, I don’t need all that other stuff that Corey talked about. I’m special. I’m different. I’m smarter than the average person that reads his book.”

And then, here this guy is, following me for two years – I don’t know if he’s even been through the book once – he’s been with this girl for ten months, and he doesn’t know how to connect with her. And so, she’s telling him that he’s not, he needs to express himself more, and he doesn’t really understand what it means and he’s confused as hell. And he’s not asking good quality questions because, again, he didn’t follow instructions. He didn’t listen to what’s in the book.

Guys are lazy, looking for the easy shortcut. And this is a simple thing to do when you understand it, but if a guy’s half-assing learning the material, he’s really making it unnecessarily hard. And, like I said, I highly recommend you watch this video “My Ex & I Got Back Together, They Suck At Expressing Emotions, Any Tips?” It’s about 10 or 11 minutes long. It’s really instructional to watch because, you know, we captured that whole process of her saying it’s one thing, and then by asking good quality questions, I find out what the root issue is – her boyfriend didn’t make her feel heard and understood.

And we were we were actually working last night, and the same thing, she’s got another issue, and her boyfriend does not understand how to communicate with her, It’s kind of the same issue. And what I’ve been telling Jocelyn, she’s been working for me almost a year and she still hasn’t read the book, either. I said, “You’re struggling in your relationship to understand your man, and you could be learning things that would make your relationship easier, yet, you’re not doing it.”

People are lazy – men and women both. If you want to have a really good quality relationship where you get along, and you understand each other, and you meet each other’s needs, you’ve got to learn the material. And if you don’t, you’re just going to struggle, and relationships are going to end unnecessarily because you’re just like this guy. He’s in danger of ruining his relationship here because he just wants to be lazy – “Give me the quick tip. How do I fix this? How do I put on a Band-Aid and just make this go away?” And that just doesn’t work in the real world.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

I’ve been following your work for almost two years, and I have been through your book, 3% Man, a number of times so far.

Yeah,  I would say the fact check on that is probably false.

I plan to keep re-reading it over the next little while.

In other words, “I plan to keep half-assing it and not really taking it seriously because I’ve got better things to do than read and learn this book.” It’s like, well, when your girlfriend leaves you, you’ll have time then; just like the guy that says, “I don’t have time to learn this stuff,” but he makes time for his divorce lawyer.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 months. Last month, she moved into my place because her lease ended, and she had a one month gap before moving into her new place. I let her stay with me for the month during the transition period. I can tell that her level of attraction has decreased by the end of staying at my place. A couple times while she was here, she became very dramatic and bitchy.

Why would she become bitchy? She’s afraid. She’s afraid you don’t care. She doesn’t feel heard and understood. Or, she’s sensing weakness. Women become bitchy when you’re displaying weakness because they don’t like it. It doesn’t make them feel safe. It scares them.

A main reason was because I “appeared” to show little interest or enthusiasm about her difficult days after she came home from work.

And so, right there, that statement, I’m going to read that again. That’s the real issue here, because you’ll see when we get down to the bottom, she’s going, “He’s not good at expressing his own emotions.” He’s talking about, “My own emotions?” It’s like, no. Here’s the answer, right here:

A main reason was because I “appeared” to show little interest or enthusiasm about her difficult days after she came home from work.

So, that tells me 100% (not 99%, 100%) she didn’t feel heard and understood. You didn’t communicate with her effectively. And this is your fault, because you didn’t learn what was in the book. You did not follow instructions. And yeah, I’m being harsh, but you deserve it, dude. You didn’t listen. You’re creating totally unnecessary issues in your relationship that could have easily been avoided if you had just followed instructions instead of being a lazy schmuck.

But let’s be real here, 74% of Americans are either overweight or they’re obese. Why? Because they’re lazy and they just don’t give a damn. Most people have really low standards and are just mediocre, average people. That’s reality. It’s not easy being a high achiever. Successful men learn these things. Unsuccessful men don’t, and they make excuses, and they point the fingers. But like I said, this is such an important statement:

A main reason was because I “appeared” to show little interest or enthusiasm about her difficult days after she came home from work.

When his girlfriend comes home from work – because, if they’re not living together, probably a lot of times she’s talking to her girlfriends, or her roommates, or whoever she’s spending time with and she’s feeling heard and understood – now that she’s living with this guy for a month until her new place is ready, she’s spending most of her time with him, and so, naturally, she’s going to look to him to make her feel heard and understood, and he’s just not doing that.

He should also watch the video I did years ago, which is, again, it’s recommended in “3% Man.” It’s an essential, fundamental: “How To Communicate With Women Effectively.” That video is, I think, 10-12 years old, and it’s like 10 minutes long. And all he needed to do was to facilitate her talking when she got home: “How was your day, babe?” And something’s going on at work, she had a difficult day? “Oh, okay. Well, tell me about your day. Well, what happened?”

“Well, there’s this girl at work, or there’s this customer, and this happened, and then…”

“Oh, wow. what happened next? How did that make you feel?”, “Oh, what happened after that?”, “Okay, so this customer came in..” or “this person did this…”

You repeat a little bit of it back to her every few minutes, and she’s like, “Yeah, exactly!”

“Okay, what else? Tell me more.”

You just keep her talking. And as she talks, she’s venting, she’s expressing the emotions. Remember, no one will ever do or saying anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment.

You’ll see when we get later on down in the email, just like what Jocelyn did in the video, it’s like, “He’s not opening up to me emotionally!” But in reality, he wasn’t making her feel heard and understood, like he didn’t understand her emotions and her feelings and where she was coming from. That’s why she’s complaining. And this guy’s girlfriend has this same issue. She doesn’t feel heard and understood, probably because she starts talking about this, he doesn’t really want to listen.

Just like what Jocelyne and I were talking about last night; something happened with her and her dad, her dad said some things to her that hurt her feelings, and then she went to her boyfriend and wanted to share. She was upset, and he’s kind of like, “You’re being ridiculous,” and then he gives her a pep talk at the end of it. And she was even more upset because he’s giving her a pep talk – i.e., he’s trying to solve her problem – and all she really needed was to feel heard and understood. That’s it. She just wanted him to be a sounding board.

But because she’s a woman, she expected him to understand or communicate with him just like a woman would, and she got mad that he didn’t. And so, she needed him to listen and understand, but she didn’t know how to explain that to him. And that’s why I was like, “Jocelyn, you’ve got to read the book. If you understand what a man thinks, it will help you communicate better with your boyfriend, and you’ll have less of these issues.”

Because we want to make you happy when we’re in a relationship. We want to make our girl happy. You have to communicate and articulate what specifically, exactly you need. I’m the one here influencing Jocelyn, I’m not able to influence her boyfriend, because her boyfriend ain’t reading the book. And I’m not talking to him, because he’s not hearing, we’re having these conversations, but she’s coming and complaining about the same issue, which is he doesn’t make her feel heard and understood.

And so, I explained to her how she needs to go to her boyfriend, and explain, and make sure he understands. If he starts trying to give you advice, you can say, “No, I’m not looking for your advice or your opinion. I just want you to listen to me. I want you to facilitate me talking, because I will solve my problem by talking about it. And if I feel you hear me and you understand me and you can understand why I feel the way I do, that makes me feel like you care.”

If she can explain it that way, then her boyfriend would start to get it. But she’s lazy as well, hasn’t been willing to learn what’s in the book, and she’s come with the same issue. And this woman has the same exact issue here. The two biggest reasons why relationships go sideways, long-term relationships, out of all the tens of thousands of phone sessions I’ve done over the last 20 years, is 1) the courtship ended – they’re not dating and courting her properly, or 2) the woman is not feeling heard and understood because the guy doesn’t know how to communicate with her. Or, it’s both of them!

Another reason is because I can come across as a closed book, and I do not talk about my emotions nearly as much as she does – basically saying I am a cold fish.

And so, I would say she’s again trying to, what she’s really trying to say is, “I don’t feel like you understand me. You don’t understand my emotions, my feelings.” The other thing is, he’s not a girl. He’s not going to sit and talk about his emotions and his feelings all the time. And this is something, if you understand the work, you’ve also got to be able to explain. It’s like, “Look, I’m not a chick. I’m not going to sit here and be upset and complain about people at work or this or that or how this made me feel.” It’s like, “I’m a guy. We just we don’t process emotionally. We’re not like that.” But the reality is, she doesn’t feel heard and understood. Again, here’s the statement once more because it’s so important:

A main reason was because I “appeared” to show little interest or enthusiasm about her difficult days after she came home from work.

So, she didn’t feel loved and supported, and he didn’t make her feel heard and understood. She never felt like he understood where she was coming from. And it’s obvious he has no idea because he’s not asking good quality questions. And by the end of the email, you see, he thinks he needs to talk about his emotions more. It’s like, no, she doesn’t feel like he understands HER.

Today, she talked with me and basically laid out all of the things I was doing wrong. I want to fix these things now before it is too late.

You’ve got to follow instructions and read the book 10 to 15 times, number one. You should watch the video “How To Communicate With Women Effectively.”You should also watch this video I did with Jocelyn, “My Ex & I Got Back Together, They Suck At Expressing Emotions, Any Tips?“

After she told me everything and how she felt, there seems to be a common theme: she doesn’t feel emotionally fulfilled and she wants to feel more love from me as her boyfriend.

So, do you see what she’s saying here? She’s saying, “I don’t feel like you care,” because women think that if you really care, you’ll take the time to understand where she’s coming from. Just like Jocelyn’s boyfriend, Jocelyn felt like he didn’t give a shit about what she was going through and why her father had upset her, this guy is doing the same exact thing, because he doesn’t understand where she’s coming from. He doesn’t understand how to communicate with women effectively, again, because he didn’t take the time to learn the material. And now he’s in a jam ten months later, and he really needs the relationship skills, but because he just focused on getting laid in the beginning, he never learned the stuff that’s important. It’s endangering his relationship, and he only has the person that he sees in the mirror to blame for this.

She doesn’t feel emotionally fulfilled and she wants to feel more love from me as her boyfriend.

It’s not about you expressing your feelings or your emotions; it’s about making her feel heard and understood and like you understand what she’s going through and her difficult day, whatever it was that people said at work. Like with Jocelyn last night, her dad made her feel horrible by what he said to her. I’m not going to repeat it on camera because it’s family business, but the point being is her dad said some things that hurt Jocelyn’s feelings, she goes to her boyfriend looking for love and support, and her boyfriend is basically, “Oh, get over it,” and “You’re being ridiculous.” And so, it just makes her feel like, “He doesn’t even care to understand where I’m coming from. He doesn’t care about my feelings.” That makes her feel like he doesn’t care about her at all, even though we know he does, but he just didn’t understand how to communicate with her on that level.

And she’s not helping matters, because she’s not willing to read the book and learn these things and communicate in a way that can get through to him. Because I’m talking to her about these things. I’m not talking to the boyfriend about these things, or the father, for that matter. I can understand the dad and why he said what he said to her, and I explained to her what her dad was saying. But this is super important, because men and women just simply do not communicate the same way.

I am just a little confused, because I make a big effort to understand her emotions and listen to her.

Yeah, but you obviously aren’t doing it properly. And again, I go back to the:

A main reason was because I “appeared” to show little interest or enthusiasm about her difficult days after she came home from work.

A common theme: she doesn’t feel emotionally fulfilled and she wants to feel more love.

So, when the man doesn’t take the time to make her feel heard and understood, the woman assumes, “He doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t love me. If he doesn’t love me, if he doesn’t care about me, why should I have sex with him?” She’s not going to feel turned on. But if she feels heard and understood, of course she’s going to want to have sex and sleep with him, because she feels open, she feels safe, she feels like he cares. This really boils down to he didn’t make her feel like he cared because he didn’t communicate just like I talk about in “How To Communicate With Women Effectively.”

However, she still wants more from me and says I need to open up more emotionally on my end.

It’s not that you need to open up emotionally and talk about your emotions. You need to open her up. That’s the issue here. That’s where you’re getting confused. Just like Jocelyn said in the video, “Oh, yeah, he doesn’t express his emotions,” what she’s saying is, “He’s not good at helping me express my emotions.” And you see that in the video. It was really a great moment. Because that’s why there’s such a disconnect with this issue between men and women.

She says she expects more from me after being together for 10 months. I am definitely not trying to be a cold fish, but for some reason I am coming across as that.

Yeah. She doesn’t feel heard and understood, dude. She doesn’t feel like you get where she’s coming from. Just like when she came home and had a hard day. You didn’t open her up properly, and she felt like you didn’t care. Just like Jocelyn’s boyfriend made her feel like he didn’t care, because he wanted to give her a pep talk and move on to the next thing when she wanted to solve our problems by talking about them. If she was with her girlfriends, they would have no problem talking and relating.

But in this case, because now his girlfriend is living with him for a month, they’re together all the time. And so, where she would be going to her girlfriends or maybe her mother, or her aunt, or whoever she would normally talk to, or maybe her female co-workers, now she’s going to this more for her boyfriend. And he’s shown that he’s not capable of doing it. And because of the additional time that they spent together, she had a month of him consistently making her feel like he didn’t care because, again, he’s not opening her up properly because he didn’t follow instructions.

After she was done expressing herself, she was relieved and gave me a hug and kiss. I said I would leave and reflect on what she said. We also made plans for a date in a couple days.

Moving forward, how would you handle things?

Thanks,

Bob

I’d read the book 10 to 15 times. I’d watch the video “How To Communicate With Women Effectively” several times. And you’ve got to understand, your woman doesn’t feel heard and understood. You’re not taking the time to make her feel like you understand where she’s coming from. Simple as that. So, I’d watch those two videos. I’d be reading the book. And then, when you get together, you can talk to her.

You’ve got to use, just like I did in the video with Jocelyn, “What do you mean?”, “Where are you coming from?”, “I don’t understand what you’re trying to say to me.” And you see that in that process with Jocelyn, because she was basically saying, “Oh, my boyfriend’s not being emotional enough,” or “He’s not expressing his emotions enough,” and when I really dug deep, what it was is she’s projecting.

What she’s really saying is, “I don’t feel like he understands where I’m coming from,” “I don’t feel heard and understood,” “I don’t feel like he gets me.” And women think, “If he doesn’t take the time to get me or understand me, then he must not care. If he doesn’t care, that hurts; that makes me feel like the guy that I’m with doesn’t care about me.” Remember, a woman’s got to feel heard and understood; the legs spread open. And if she doesn’t, dryer than a bucket of sand.

So, this is a really good, super important email. If you’ve got a question or a challenge, or maybe you’ve got something similar going on and you’re in an emergency, because these are the kind of things that just can’t go on forever. Eventually, the woman just gives up and is like, “This guy doesn’t get it. He doesn’t get me.” And then she’ll continue to lose interest, and he’ll continue trying to fix things, instead of trying to make her feel heard and understood. And eventually, she breaks it off. And that’s not what you want.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.