My Girlfriend Went To Her Ex’s House: Update

Update to previous newsletter My Girlfriend Went To Her Ex’s House.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email update to the newsletter titled, “My Girlfriend Went To Her Ex’s House.” He discusses what he found when he went through her phone and what he learned when he reached out to her ex-boyfriend to hear his side of the story. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, “My Girlfriend Went To Her Ex’s House: Update.”

So this is an update to a previous newsletter that I did, I think it was probably last year. And so the original email was titled, “My Girlfriend Went To Her Ex’s House.” And so he said it was like a long ordeal to get his girlfriend to basically turn over her cell phone and let him go through it. He says he didn’t really find anything incriminating, but it just didn’t sit right with him.

And so he got in touch, because he had the phone number to the ex-boyfriend, and he reached out and just wanted his side of the story. And so he found out some things about what actually happened when she went over. She claimed initially they just accidentally bumped into each other, and the reality was she was basically waiting at this guy, showed up at his house. I guess, was waiting for him to come home.

So she clearly lied to his face multiple times about it. Even when he was trying to get her to come clean, she was still lying about it. And so he stayed together with her for a while. But he just he couldn’t trust her anymore. He didn’t want to sleep with one eye open the rest of his life. And so he ended it. And so this is a good email update, just to see what how everything all shook out.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I wanted to give you an update and ask for your thoughts on where I stand now. I did what you suggested and looked into her phone. It turned out that she was telling the truth about not having prior contact with her ex before the day they met. However, I only got access after a lot of hesitation on her part. When I told her how drained I felt and that I was on the verge of breaking up, she sent him a message saying it wasn’t appropriate that she went into his flat, that she was in a relationship aligned with her heart, and that she’d block him and only contact him by email to settle the money she owed him.

So I guess she owed the ex-boyfriend money for whatever reason. I don’t think they lived together. I don’t remember because it was a while back.

We continued the relationship, but my gut never settled.

Well, you should always learn to trust your intuition.

I kept having doubts. I was even checking the trash when I visited her because something in me just didn’t trust her anymore.

Well, love cannot exist where there is no trust. And when you got somebody that you’re in a relationship with that is blatantly lying to your face, you can’t build a good, healthy, long term relationship on, or friendship for that matter, on that kind of fuckery.

Still, we stayed together for over seven more months.

So this is probably eight, ten months ago, I guess, when he originally wrote that email. It was almost a year ago.

During that time, we had something really good, genuinely loving, fun, and connected. She seemed committed and fully in it, like she had changed for real. I truly believed she loved me. Then I traveled to South America for a month to visit my family. While I was there, I realized that I didn’t feel the same way anymore. I still cared about her, but the fear of being betrayed again was too present. So I ended the relationship. A few weeks after the breakup, I started to question if I’d made a mistake.

Yeah, typically in that 90 day period, after most guys end a relationship, they’re thinking, “oh, I’m going to meet somebody better. I’m going to find somebody else.” And then when it doesn’t happen right away, then they start thinking, “oh, I need to go back maybe. Or maybe I made a mistake.” Because you’re still, it’s unknown. It’s unknown when you’re going to meet somebody that you click with on that level again.

She had made such an effort, and part of me felt like I walked away too soon. But before making any decision, I wanted to make sure I had the full truth about what happened with her ex that day. I contacted him, she doesn’t know I have his number, and he told me that she had been sitting in front of his house, unannounced.

So she just she went over to his house to talk to him. But what she said is, “oh, we just bumped into each other.” So it was a lie. She’s a liar. And she continued to lie about it.

They talked and eventually went up to his flat. He said nothing physical happened, but the key point is, she went there intentionally, not by chance as she had always claimed. That was something she never admitted, not even when she apologized, crying. She kept saying they just bumped into each other accidentally and barely talked.

“Oh yeah, we just kind of bumped into each.” Meanwhile, she’s sitting there waiting to talk to this guy, then goes up to his flat because he wanted to hang out. Now, whether they slept together or not, the boyfriend says they didn’t. Who knows? All we know is we’re dealing with a liar. So you really can’t trust what the liar says. Character is destiny.

That’s what I can’t get past, she lied to my face multiple times, manipulated the story, and never took accountability for the deeper truth, even when I gave her space to do so.

He gave her a chance to come clean. And she still wouldn’t come clean. Because why wouldn’t she come clean? Well, if she says, “well, actually, I went over there and waited at the guy’s house for him and then went upstairs.” Clear, it was her idea it wasn’t just an accidental bumping into him. But all the times that he talked about it and she’s crying crocodile tears, it’s just all bullshit. The whole thing was a lie.

I recently confronted her through a message, letting her know that I knew the truth. She never replied. Later she blocked me, saying she needed space to process the breakup. Now I’m stuck. A part of me still misses her and remembers how special the good moments were. But I also feel deeply betrayed.

Well, that’s who she is. If it had been a one and done and she’d have come clean, maybe. But when she continued to lie, and the fact that she actually went there on her own, instead of they accidentally bumped into each other like she claimed, it’s, you know, “when somebody shows you or tells you who they are, believe them the first time” as Maya Angelou said. So she showed she was a habitual liar and she continued to lie instead of coming clean. She was more interested in deceiving him than being truthful.

I want to believe in what we had, but how do I move forward with someone who lied, never came clean, and ran when confronted?

You don’t. You’re not going to fix that. You’re not going to fix her. This is again, shitty parenting on her parents part. Her dad did a shitty job and her mom did a shitty job. That’s the bottom. It’s not your fault. But now you see it as it is. Can you imagine having kids and a family with somebody like this? You’re going to be wondering, are the kids actually mine? I need to do a DNA test. It’s like, you don’t want to be dealing with stuff like that. You don’t want to be double and triple checking things that your girlfriend or your wife or your baby mama said. I mean, this is who she is. The only thing that potentially could cause her to change her ways is to lose this guy and lose him forever, because she’s a liar and a cheater.

And she just wasn’t willing to discuss it. Or even still, he confronted with the truth, and what does she do? She blocks him because it’s easier to avoid it. How are you going to work things out if the other person is not even willing to discuss it? And in her case, he gave her the chance to come up with the truth even though he knew it. I mean, anybody that’s in law enforcement, this is when they sit down for the final interview, they already know all the facts. They already know what happened. They’re waiting to hear your side of the story, to see if you incriminate yourself and lie.

Would love your honest perspective. Is this a person who was just flawed but growing, or is she someone I need to walk away from for good?

Appreciate you as always,

Bob

Well, I mean, you spent seven months with her and you never felt right about it. If you go back, that’s going to return. And besides, now you know the truth. Well, at least you know a lot of the truth. You know more the truth than you knew before. And it’s pretty clear she’s unwilling to come clean with the truth. Even when you confronted her with the fact that you knew the truth. So do you want to sleep with one eye open the rest of your life? Do you want to wonder if you have kids, if your kids are actually yours? I wouldn’t want to put up with that.

So she needs to experience the consequences. This is part of the problem. If she’s hot, there’s just too many thirsty, weak ass men that will that’ll put up with this shit and will make excuses for her and say, “oh, it’s the Disney movie. Love is love. You don’t understand. We have something special.” And they’ll make excuses for it. And so the more she’s able to get away with this behavior, it gets validated. So why should she change?

The only thing that would change her is to have one guy after another kick her ass to the curb when she behaves this way. But you’ve already kicked her to the curb. It’s like, what are you going to do? How are you going to fix it? How are you going to work anything out? And even if you did give her another chance at this point, now you know the truth and you’re going to be wondering, what else did she lie about? You just can’t trust her as far as you could throw her.

So good on you for listening to your intuition and kicking to the curb and not resting until you figured out what the hell was going on. And it’s like sometimes you have to do that. And the fact that, you know, it was like pulling teeth to get her to let you look in the phone. Did that go on for several days? So by the time she finally let you look in the phone, she had deleted everything that was incriminating? We don’t really know. But, you know, you’re just not going to fix this. You’re not going to change her. You’re not going to save her.

You’re not going to undo the shitty job that her parents did. That’s just you got to accept reality as it is. And it looks like you have. And so this is the vetting process. When you date, you gotta vet, especially if you’re a long term focus. If you’re looking for a wife or a girlfriend or a baby mama, it’s like love cannot exist where there is no trust. And you need to be able to believe the things that your significant other tells you. And in this case, even when she was given the opportunity to come clean, she refused.

Even to this day, she still hasn’t come clean. She still hasn’t said anything. She’s taken no accountability. And it’s like, I’m gonna fix that. You had kids with a woman like that, the kids are gonna grow up and be just like her. So you did the right thing. I know it’s hard. I know it sucks, but reading and applying The Book and getting better. Get better choices, better options. Vetting for character. And you know, these are things that you just all of us we have to do. We have to vet not only the women that we date, but we’ve got to vet the friends. We’ve got to vet our business partners, we’ve got to vet clients, we’ve got to look at character because character is destiny. You judge people by what they do, not what they say.

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