What it means and what you should do when your girlfriend’s words no longer match her actions.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for 3 years and has read 3% Man 20 times. He’s currently in month 4 of his relationship with his new girlfriend who he’s known for 3 years. She told him her relationships never make it past 3 months. She cheated on her husbands in the past and has numerous male orbiters who hope to get their shot at dating her.
She has an ex who is in the background. She also won’t tell her male orbiters that she has a boyfriend, with the excuse that it’s unprofessional since they didn’t ask her out directly. Lately, she hasn’t been making the same level of effort and has been grumpy and rude to him. Her words no longer match her actions. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
If a woman is in love with you and she has integrity, she’s going to be proud to show you what she can be proud to let the world know that you are her boyfriend. And so, she’s got these guys that are hitting on her in indirect ways, and she says, “Well, they’re not coming out and directly asking me out, so it’s not professional to tell them I have a boyfriend.” But the reality is, if she’s gushing about her boyfriend, she would be talking about him, “Oh, my boyfriend this, my boyfriend that,” and that’s not happening.
And on top of that, he’s noticed in the last few weeks that she’s getting a little cold and distant. She’s kind of been bitchy and grumpy towards him. She’s apologized. She’s also acknowledged that there’s some stuff going on at work, some challenges, and she hasn’t been as attentive and hasn’t been following through on the things she says she’s going to do. She acknowledges the issues and then she continues doing what she was doing, so something has changed. But the interesting thing is that she says, “My relationships never make it past three months,” which is not a good sign. So, he’s trying to figure out, “Is she even worth my time, or should I throw her back to the streets?”
I’ve been following you for 3 years and have read the book, probably around 20 times at this point, and I have also watched 100+ videos, (probably way more). Thank you for everything you do. Your advice has always proven spot on.
Well, as I say all the time, even if you think I’m full of shit, if you apply what’s in the book, it will work for you. You will typically get better results than what you were doing in the past.
I’m currently in the 4th month of dating a 10 that I’ve known for 3+ years, but man is this woman complicated! She’s made me exercise every skill you teach, but more often than not, she lives in the grey area of your principles.
Remember, easygoing, easy to get along with.
- She has a bunch of male orbiters, as she owns a chain of fitness studios and most of them are her clients, but she always tells me about it when they’re flirting with her. I ask if she tells them she’s in a relationship, (which she asked for at week 7), and she says, “No, because it seems inappropriate and unprofessional since they aren’t blatantly asking me out.”
That tells me, on some level, maybe she’s afraid to lose him as a client. Because if they still have hope that they could date her and sleep with her, they’ll keep coming in and spending money with her. If they know she’s got a boyfriend, they might dip on her and she’ll lose the business. But also, more than likely, she likes the male attention. So, she’s not doing anything to say, “Hey, I’m taken,” so, in other words, she’s creating the conditions where they can continue to flirt with her.
- She has an ex in the picture, but she tells me about it every time he reaches out and has also told him about me. She says she doesn’t need to cut him out of her life completely because he’s barely in it, and to prove it, she volunteered her phone’s passcode in case I ever wanted to look for myself.
Well, that’s nice. But then again, messages can always be deleted.
- She says she would never cheat but cheated on her ex-husband (15 years ago) with her 2nd husband…
So, obviously, the guy she cheated with, she eventually married.
…and also had an affair with a married man – all information that she didn’t have to share with me, but she wanted to be transparent.
So, she has a history of cheating and lying and being devious when it suits her. But we’re supposed to believe she’s totally reformed now.
- I was letting her do 100% of the texting and calling, but she told me she would like good morning texts every now and then when we aren’t together, (we’re together 4-5 nights a week), and both work from home on Mondays, usually sharing the couch and cuddling when we can.
- She has told me on multiple occasions that this is the most healthy and fun relationship she’s ever had, and that she’s never felt this comfortable around anyone before and values the communication skills that I’m showing her.
But as you know, I wouldn’t be reaching out if there wasn’t an issue. Over the past 3-4 weeks, she’s been cold and distant, and she’s blamed it on her heavy workload with owning the gyms, (I can confirm it keeps her busy). When I first noticed the distance, she voluntarily apologized and acknowledged the distance without me bringing it up first, but that work was stressing her out and that at this, she was doing the best she could. I replied with, “Well, since you admit it’s a problem, it’s up to you to fix it, but if this continues, I’ll need to reassess our relationship, because I don’t put in effort when that effort isn’t matched.”
So, for whatever reason, she’s not making the effort. There is a lack of an emotionally compelling reason for her to continue making the effort she was making. Now, keep in mind, she says she only makes it about three months before her relationships end. So, that’s her limiting belief. And it’s quite possible she sabotages her relationships. And so, if it’s going well, she’s probably not used to things going well, so she literally could be creating problems. But it’s also possible he’s doing things to cause her to lose attraction, especially if he’s complaining about it.
She agreed and understood and said she wanted to make us work. She’s also told me that her relationships typically have a 3-month shelf life and she can’t believe we made it, that we are a “good team” but also that “you’re too good to me”…
So, when a woman says ,”You’re too good to me,” that’s typically an indication of “You’re a little too soft and nice. You’re a little too compliant.” And typically guys get down the road, especially if this guy’s got her on a pedestal, and his game was tight for about three months. In two or three months, she fell in love, but now she says, “You’re too good to me.” And that’s almost like when she says, “You’re just such a great guy. Any girl would be lucky to have you.”
But the reality is, “Hey, you’re just kind of nice and soft and, therefore, I don’t respect you as much.” If we look at her actions, her actions are indicative of a woman who is losing respect and attraction for a guy. So, when I see little things like that, that tells me, for whatever reason, her attraction has dropped. And after having done this for 20 years, tens of thousands of phone sessions and countless emails, it’s like, you see the same patterns over and over and over again. That’s shy I’m able to pick out these little nuggets, if you will. And here’s another one…
…and “I wish you wouldn’t listen to me so closely,” because I recall things she said she wanted in our relationship months ago as to reasons I do things today. (AKA she’s full of BS sometimes.)
Well, that tells me you’re doing things for her and they’re not being reciprocated. And it looks like the power has kind of flipped in the relationship. Because whatever you were doing before, she was trying to get your attention and validation, and now she’s basically hinting that “you’re just too nice to me.” So, if he’s too nice, it’s because he’s becoming soft and a little squishy, maybe a little dopey, because he’s like, “Oh, we have a relationship!” A lot of guys start going sideways at this point. They start reverting back to their old beta male behavior.
But here we are, 3 weeks after that, and it’s actually gotten worse.
- She went off on me for a dumb reason, (putting water on her dog’s food), which I respectfully told her to never speak to me that way again, to which she apologized and told me she’d be better.
- She’s not doing little things that she used to; bringing me coffee, small favors I ask her to do, which she says she will but doesn’t, and never messages me that she misses me or can’t wait to see me like she did nearly every day we weren’t together for the first 3 months.
So, if you’re complaining about that, that’s not the way to fix that. You’re trying to use logic and reason and tell her, “Hey, you need to do this, this, and this for me,” instead of looking at the fact that she’s not doing it willingly. And if she’s not doing it willingly, it’s because she ain’t feeling the desire or the need to do it. That tells me she knows she’s got you.
And a lot of guys do that. They get several months down the road, and as a woman backs off, they don’t look at their own behavior. They just start complaining about what she’s no longer doing. That’s not going to make a woman want to. She will do these out of obligation sometimes, but in this case, nothing has changed. It’s gotten worse.
And so, he might be turning into a bit of a whinge bag. I don’t know, but I’m just looking at what he’s doing, what he’s saying, what she’s doing, what she’s saying. And her actions and her words match up with a woman who has lost attraction and respect for her boyfriend.
- Ignoring those good morning texts that she asked me to send, one of which was a happy anniversary text I sent while I was out of town with my boys.
So you’re continuing to send good morning texts, and she’s not reciprocating it. The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And so if she’s not valuing those things, then back off a little bit until she complains you’re no longer doing those things. But what looks like has happened here is her interest hit, it kind of peaked, started going down, and you probably continued to do more. And so, she’s starting to feel that you’re more into her than she is into you.
And as she backs away, instead of you matching and mirroring that, you’re complaining about it. And that won’t fix the issue. It’ll just make her lose more respect, and become bitchier, and become become nastier to you. Because, like I said, just from her words, what she said earlier in the email, “You’re too good to me,” in other words, “You’re too much of a nice guy. You’re too soft. I can push you around. I can get you to change your opinions to match mine,” etc.
If she was worried about losing him, she would do the little things, but she’s not worried about losing him. So, that tells me she doesn’t value him like she did. And based on the evidence that’s in his email, the attraction has dropped, for whatever reason.
Aside from all of these other red flags about the cheating and the male orbiters and those things, the fact is, with a woman like this, typically, as their attraction drops, if she’s lost attraction and respect for this guy, why would she tell the male orbiters that, “Oh, I have a boyfriend”? Because in her mind, she doesn’t think she’s single. And this is a pattern that repeats over and over in her relationships. And remember, this guy says she’s a ten out of ten, plus, he’s known her for three years. So, I don’t know what the context was of their interactions for the previous three years. He never said.
I am trying to figure out the relationship between having high standards and valuing myself first, (bad grapes/she belongs to the streets,) vs. taking the lead; and being too communicative (opening her up too often about the same things)…
Well, the idea is that this from my video “How To Communicate With Women Effectively,” you’re not supposed to be a robot about it. And that tells me that you’re not really able to understand the ebb and flow. Like, when she needs to be opened up, you’re doing it as a technique. You’re not doing it to facilitate communication. It’s supposed to be natural. Not like, “Oh, Corey told me to do this in the book. I must do what the video told me. I must open you up, even though we’re talking about the same thing over and over. I’ve got to open her up because the book told me.” It just comes off as weird and awkward.
And again, you shouldn’t be using a technique. You should recognize that she’s a little distant and not as communicative, and then that’s when you open her up. “Hey honey, you’re a little quiet today. What’s going on? Hey, you seem a little distant lately. What’s going on?”
…and removing my attention to focus on myself 100% to rebuild attraction and get her attention back.
So it tells me he noticed that he’s been giving more than he’s getting back, and you want to match and mirror the actions. Because if she backs off and then you continue forward, now you’re putting more effort and more energy into it than she is. And then, she starts to feel that you’re in more into her than she’s into you. And she’s got all of this male attention around, she has a history of cheating. Typically, women with this kind of a past, when they’re not happy, they invite attention from the exes or the male orbiters, and that’s how the affairs happen in her life.
So, for whatever reason, her attraction is dropping. And my suspicion is that you kind of put her on a pedestal. You’re like, “Oh, I made it four months, and nobody makes it four months,” and you started acting a little dopey. You didn’t recognize that she was not putting in the same effort, and then you kept putting the same effort.
So, my question is this: is this a bad grapes scenario, a loss of attraction, another guy, or is she just an avoidant attachment type (with a dose of selfishness)?
Well, it looks like a loss of attraction. Plus, she came right out and told you my relationships never make it past three months, so that’s a red flag. And she has all these other guys around, and she’s not telling anybody about you other than the ex, supposedly. So, that tells me, for whatever reason, on some level, she likes the attention from other guys. Maybe she’s afraid of losing them as clients if they think they don’t have a chance with her.
It doesn’t matter. The bottom line is, she’s not proud to tell the whole world that you’re her boyfriend. And that’s indicative of how she feels about you. And that’s from, “It’s All in the Numbers, ” the chapter on attraction level that’s in the book. It tells me you’re kind of not paying attention. It’s like, you think you made it, “Oh, she’s in love with me. Great! My work is over. I can get sloppy and revert back to the way I was.” And that’s what happens.
I am on the verge of ending it, because she isn’t putting in the effort I want, but I also want to communicate with her about my needs without sounding butt-hurt,
But it sounds like you are. And the fact that you’re like, I’m going to punish her by ending it because she’s not making the effort,” the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. If she’s not making the effort, stop texting her in the morning. Stop telling her you love her, and this and that, and gushing over her. If she’s not doing the little things, spend less time with her. Go out on less dates. Be busy when she wants to see you.
…which I likely would since I’ve already communicated these to her, but she has failed to correct the problem.
Again, there is a lack of emotional motivation on her part towards you. And so, just like you ask, that tells me, based on what your email says, that there is a loss of attraction. And normal women are not going to have all of these male orbiters. But she’s in an industry where everybody wants to sleep with the hot girl that owns the gym, or whatever. And she’s just not ready. She doesn’t feel the need to let the world know that she’s off the market. She’s letting the world know that she potentially is on the market still. And you complaining about it is not the way to fix it.
I had an email last week, same thing. The guy’s complaining about things that have changed, instead of looking at the fact that the power flipped, she backed off, and he kept the hammer down. He kept moving forward. You’ve got to match and mirror that. Women are kind of like cats.
Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. She’s way too clear of where she stands with you. You’ve complained about what she isn’t doing, and she says she’ll make corrective changes, and she doesn’t. Well, why wouldn’t she do that? Because she ain’t feeling it. She ain’t feeling the desire. She’s not worried about losing you. And you don’t fix that by threatening her or, “I’m just going to end it.”
But I can tell you’re butt-hurt and you’re perturbed by it. And you want to use logic and reason to talk her into treating you the same way, instead of taking a step back and going, “Have I done anything? Have I been to easy, too available? Have I been too soft? Have I let her get away with being disrespectful to me, and in front of her, or in front of other people?” Have I gotten a little soft?”
But like I said, you know that line that she said, “you’re too good to me,” that’s indicative of, “You’re such a nice guy. You’re just too nice. You’re too good for me.” So, you’ve got to pay attention. Again, we’ve got all of these red flags. I’m sure plenty of dudes in the comments like, “Just dump her, kick her to the curb!” The red flags, you look at in her behavior and go, “Hmm… that doesn’t look trustworthy.” But if you’re willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, like I said, the evidence that’s in the email shows a loss of attraction. If that’s the case, you’ve got to start doing the things you stopped doing and maybe back off a little bit more. Again, everything that’s in here tells me her attraction has dropped, and then her words are telling you that you’re too soft.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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