My Past Is Ruining Things With Potential Girlfriends

Why talking about your past can ruin your chances with potential girlfriends.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 28-year-old viewer who says his body count is over 200. He has gotten a bad reputation around town, to the point he says that women won’t date him because he’s slept around so much. He shares what happened with his most recent romantic prospect. He naively told her about his past and how many women he’s been with. She broke it off and told him it was because of his past.

She complained he hardly ever messaged her, was warned about him by her friends, and she therefore judged that he wasn’t a serious prospect, and that’s why she broke it off. However, he says despite the fact he started reaching out a lot more towards the end, she says she dumped him because he didn’t message her enough. He asks my opinion because he says he doesn’t make too many mistakes with women. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

When we go through this email, I want you guys to be looking at what she’s saying and the actions. The other thing to keep in mind is women don’t want to hurt a guy’s feelings. They don’t want to tell them what’s really going on if they think it’s going to hurt them. They want to give them an explanation that can kind of make sense, but won’t get them too butt hurt about it and certainly won’t get him upset with her.

So, with that in mind, you’ve got to look at what people do, not what they say. Because this guy is having a hard time. He’s like, “I don’t know what I did wrong. I guess I just can’t escape from my reputation.” So, it brings up what I talk about in 3%, Man, which is gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. You are not obligated to divulge every single date you’ve been on, every girl you’ve slept with, every girl you’ve kissed, every girl you’ve talked to, because it’s ridiculous and absurd.

And vice versa, when you first meet a girl, you don’t want to sit there and listen to every single single story about every guy that she’s been out with and slept with, or relationships that didn’t end well, because you want to focus on positive things. You want to focus on getting to know this person and finding out, “Do I even like her enough yet to want to date her?” Obviously, as a man, you’re going to want to know, has she looked at sex and intimacy as a sacred thing, and she shared it with few people? Or was she the town bicycle, because she doesn’t value herself and just gives herself a way to any guy that gives her a little bit of attention?

These things, the longer you date her, the truth will come out. But the point I’m trying to make is that you don’t want to get into this conversation, especially if you’re a man. And it looks like this guy was just like, “I’ve got to be honest with her,” and told her all of his dirty past. Number one, there’s nothing mysterious about it. Number two, it’s not really any of her business. And number three, like I say all the time, it’s going to get used against you. And so, partially it’s going to get used against him here. But to really find out the real reason she lost attraction, we’ll go through the email together and see if you guys can pick it up.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

Please help. From what I’ve seen of your stuff, it’s really good, but I haven’t seen any videos on this topic: MY PAST IS KILLING ME!

Well, you should be reading the book. I don’t know, maybe you’re just cherry picking from videos. Maybe you came because you’re trying to tighten your game up, or you were good at hooking up with women, but you couldn’t get them to stick around for very long. And if you’re watching my videos, you’re learning some things, but if you haven’t read the book, you’ve already made things way more difficult.

Because I can tell, a guy like this is like, “I’ve slept with 200 girls. What do I need to read a book 10 to 15 times for?” Well, you didn’t come to me because things are going well. You came to me because you’re not getting the results that you want. And the headline in his email was, “My past is ruining my future with potential girlfriends.” I mean, he even came up with the headline for this. So, obviously, just because you’re able to get laid doesn’t mean that you understand pickup, dating, and relationships together.

If the girls don’t want to stick around after a few weeks of hooking up, then there’s something else going on there. And that’s probably why he came to me in the first place. But, like most dudes, he’s lazy. He wants a quick fix, a short, easy shortcut. “What’s the magic pickup line? What’s the magic phrase? What’s the magic actions that I do that her panties will just fall off, and she’ll fall into my arms, and let me have my way with her?” You’ve got to learn the fundamentals.

I’m 28 and was dating a girl who is 22, and it was going really well. She is 10/10, we clicked really well, and I’ve never been so attracted to someone before. The dating stage was going really well, and when we first slept together, she made us exclusive, but a month later said she wasn’t ready for a relationship. 

Interesting. So, the fact of the matter, from a dude that’s done this tens of thousands of times over the years in phone sessions and emails, you just see the same patterns over and over. Women say the same things over and over. And it doesn’t matter what country they’re in, they all say the same things, and it confuses the guys the same way.

And so, she’s saying, “I’m not ready for a relationship.” So, this guy is good with pickup, and he says he slept with 200 women. We’ll just assume that he’s being truthful and honest. What, are you supposed to cut that in half, or something like that? With women, you’re supposed to double or triple whatever they tell you. Okay, so if we cut it in half, he’s probably been with 100 women. That’s still a lot for 28-years-old. Dude’s been busy.

So, he’s way more into this girl than he’s ever been. And again, the title of the book says, “How To Get The Woman of Your Dreams,” not “How to Get an Average, Mediocre Woman You Don’t Care About.” Because when you’re dating an average, mediocre woman you’re not that into, you’re going to pretty much do everything right, and she’s going to be in love with you. But in this case, he probably pedestalized her, really likes her, and started pursuing her too much because he really liked her.

When a woman says she’s not ready for a relationship, that means she feels suffocated, that means she feels smothered, and it means she doesn’t feel free. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. And a woman doesn’t ask you to be exclusive, and then a month later go, “Oh, I’m not ready for a relationship.” The reason she’s saying she’s not ready for a relationship is she’s saying, “I’m not feeling like I want to be in a relationship with you.” That’s important thing, “feeling” the chemistry, the spark.

And so, like I said, as we get a little further down in the email, you’ll see where the mistakes are coming along. And part of the problem is this guy’s ego gets in the way. Because he’s like, “I slept with 200 women.” But he has a hard time causing them to stick around, especially somebody that he really likes. And so, all of us that have had this problem in the past, when we meet a girl we really like, we tend to pedestalize her. Either we’re extra nice, we’re a little soft, or we let her push us around a little bit, because we don’t want to lose her.

And when she says she’s not ready for a relationship, that means he’s calling too much, he’s texting too much, he’s pursuing too much. She recognizes that he’s way more into her than she is into him. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. Women don’t push away guys that they’re in love with. They push away guys they’ve lost attraction for.

The problem is I have a really bad past and have slept with 200 plus women. I did eventually tell her about my past when she asked…

Never, never, never, never do that. It’s a bad way to go, my man. You just say, “Hey, gentlemen, don’t kiss and tell.”

…and she said she was fine with it.

She’s “fine with it.” When a woman says “it’s fine,” it’s not fine.

But every time she told someone she was seeing me, they either said he’s slept with my friend or they warned her off me and that she might get hurt, to the point where she put a guard up, and cut things off.

It sounds logical and it sounds reasonable, but at the end of the day, you’ve got to think, “Is this going to make me look more attractive or is it going to turn her off?” Even if you have slept with 100 or 200 women, or whatever it happens to be, you’re not going to reveal this. At the end of the day, gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. And just because you go out on a date with a girl, that doesn’t mean you’re sleeping with her or you’re going to have a relationship with her.

There’s nothing wrong with going out with a girl who wants to have sex with you, and you, as the guy, don’t want to have sex with her. Women do it all the time. If you’re selective and you have choice, then you’re not going to. I don’t sleep with every single girl I’ve ever gone out with. I mean, a lot of people assume that about me. But if you don’t click on that level, it’s okay for a guy to reject a girl. Most dudes have never had that experience. But unless you connect emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically, you shouldn’t go through with it. Just because you can sleep with her doesn’t mean you should. You should be selective.

She initially said it was because she fairly recently came out of a 5-year relationship and needed time on her own, (it wasn’t to do with her having feelings for her ex).

So, that is true. I don’t know how long ago she came out of the five year relationship. If it’s a matter of months, then yeah, her emotions will be up and down. And so, when her emotions are all over the place, she feels a little smothered, what she’s going to tend to do is back off, be unsure of herself. She won’t be as excited about him, or to see him, or to hear from him. And, as a man, if you know the book, you should know that you’re going to let her be.

You’ve got to give her the time and space away from you to wonder about you, and to think about you, and to miss you. And this guy has put her on a pedestal, he senses she’s backing away, and like most guys that don’t know any better, what’s he going to do? He’s going to call and text her more to try to figure out what’s wrong. And that’s the worst thing you can do when she’s backing off.

So, she didn’t feel free. The fact that she said, “I’m not ready for a relationship,” tells me she didn’t feel free, she felt smothered. That’s what all women say. All over the globe, they all say the same thing. So, we see the same pattern tens of thousands of times, over and over. You can pretty much take it to the bank. That’s why, when I read these emails, I go,”Oh!” Right away, I could see what’s going on here. The patterns are the patterns.

Anyway, I backed off and gave her space. We spoke a month later…

A whole month. You went a whole month? Well, he’s assuming the ex didn’t come back into the picture. It’s possible. But you’ve got to understand she’s going to be back and forth. But the fact she’s saying “I’m not ready for a relationship” after she asked, and then she went a whole month without talking to him tells me he smothered her to the point where she got turned off completely and wasn’t feeling it.

Plus, when you take the emotional yo-yo effect of the fact that she’s recently single after a five year relationship, then her feelings being all over the ice totally makes sense. But when she started getting squirrelly, he didn’t know how to handle it. And on top of that, he went and drooled all over her about his past and how much he liked her. But the fact that you’re exclusive with this girl and you don’t talk for a whole month, it’s like, her interest has really significantly dropped.

…and she admitted she had been talking to other guys while we had stopped seeing each other, and now someone she plays football with, she really fancies them.

Remember, “I’m not ready for a relationship. I just can’t handle this. This is so overwhelming.” So, what she’s really saying is that “I’m just not ready for a relationship with you,” and she wanted to keep playing the field. So, again, you’re starting to see , the things she’s saying and things that she’s doing don’t really line up. And he notices that, too.

At first, I asked how does she like someone else already when she told me she wanted time on her own?

So, again, she wanted time on her own because he was smothering her, and she got turned off by his overpursuing. That’s what happened. But she confuses him and mixes him up with her explanation. Which sounds logical and reasonable, but if you look at her actions, if you bottom line her actions and the things that she’s saying about why she did what she did, I can tell this guy over pursued and smothered her. Because the way she reacted, I mean, you could set your watch to it. It’s as predictable as the sun coming up in the East and setting in the West. It just is what it is, even if this guy doesn’t want to hear it.

Because he kind of knows, but he doesn’t want to admit that, because then if he has to admit that to himself, then it’s like, “Oh shit, I chased her out of my life.” But again, she’s recently out of a breakup, so like “3% Man” says – which you can read for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com, if you’re still skeptical – when she’s fresh out of a relationship, she’s going to be all over the ice. And don’t take it personally. Just let her be and let her come back. But the fact that she waited a whole month, Elvis had left the building at that point.

She said, “When I asked if you were talking to other people when we were seeing each other, you said no. I just didn’t believe you. I thought you’re just a fuckboy and won’t change.”  She said she was always scared I wasn’t that into her, as she initiated most of the texting. But I told her I’m not a big texter, as I’m busy with the gym and work, and she said she never knew where she stood with me.

Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. I’ve gone over this thousands of times over the years in articles and videos. Plus, it’s in the book. It’s just a fact of life. So again, she’s telling him something that the average unsuspecting guy would go, “Okay, that sounds reasonable.” So, she’s saying he didn’t text her enough, and she never knew where she stood, and she didn’t like that. But remember, when a woman says, “I’m not ready for a relationship,” it’s because she’s smothered and he’s over pursuing.

In person, she thought we were really good together, but over text she thought I wasn’t interested, and she felt like I just wanted her to chase me.

Sounds logical, makes sense, but it doesn’t matter. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.

She also said she thought I was going to end up hurting her from hearing I’ve slept around a lot…

Again, she’s using excuses here. She’s not trying to hurt his feelings. She’s just saying, “Oh, it’s because you slept with a lot of people.” So, again, if he hadn’t told her any of this, she wouldn’t have been able to use that and throw it in his face.

…and she wanted to protect herself from getting hurt by me potentially just sleeping with someone else. I’ve lost a girl I really liked and saw a future with.

So, ding! Now, let’s pay attention to the next statement, class...

Before she did pull away, I did start to text her more and put more effort in with her, and she started to open up more, but still ended up pulling away.

Remember, she just got done telling him that he didn’t text her enough. So, he starts texting her more, and what happens? She pulled away, predictably. Remember, she’s just out of a breakup as well, so you’ve got that added factor in there.

(I know girls like the chase. And some might think she just got what she wanted and then lost interest, but I’m pretty sure it’s down to my past as she finally admitted.)

That’s the excuse she’s giving you because, quite frankly, she doesn’t understand attraction. She doesn’t understand why she felt the way she felt. Women don’t care how much you like them or how much of a good guy you are. They only care about how they feel about you. And remember, “I’m not ready for a relationship,” that’s something a woman says when she feels smothered and like you’re coming on too strong.

So here he is admitting, at the end, he started over pursuing. And we have what she told him when she broke it off, which is always the thing that women say when they’ve been over pursued and they feel smothered. Remember, as Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” And she no longer felt that way, because he started to pedestalize her and really started to like her after a couple of months of dating.

I’d consider myself experienced with women and like to think I don’t make too many mistakes.

Well, in this case, because you’re so emotionally invested in this girl, you’re completely blinded. Your emotions blind you to reality. And on top of that, she’s confusing you, because she doesn’t understand herself. She doesn’t understand attraction. And she’s telling you things that logically make sense, because remember, she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. But she can just say, it’s because you slept around a lot.

She is now really cold and off with me, and I can’t figure out if it’s because she’s lost interest and fully into someone else now, or because she’s scared of getting hurt and wants to protect herself. She doesn’t text anymore, and when she does, it’s very short and blunt but still likes my pics on Instagram.

Well, at this point you should be following what I talk about in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” the article and video on my website. And so, if she reaches out, assume she wants to see you and try to make a date. You’re only going to ask twice, and then from that point forward, you’ll send 2 to 3 text replies. Say, “Hey, great hearing from you. I’ve got to run. Talk to you later.” If she calls you, same thing. So, you should be following that script there.

The combination of she just went through a breakup, you overpursued, and there’s other dudes she’s interested in – remember, “I’m not ready for a relationship,” and as soon as she breaks it off of you, she’s dating other guys – so her words and her actions aren’t making sense there. But guys hear these things, and they get totally confused and bamboozled.

When she told me she liked this guy, she said it would be best if we stopped talking. When she told me this, I told her her fear of me hurting her was never going to happen, and I did like how things where between us, “Or are you just using this as an excuse to justify meeting someone else?”

The reality, the bottom line, is her interest was low. You lowered her interest because your game wasn’t tight. I’m not talking about seduction and seducing a woman. I’m talking about going from dating into the relationship phase. You fumbled the football, because you didn’t know what you were doing.

“Regardless, I’m not being a second choice for when you come to your senses,” and I left it at that, (just sent now, and when she replies I won’t reply).

It’s like, okay, well, if you’re just going to ignore her, then it sounds like you just threw a grenade in there unnecessarily. But saying “I’m not being a second choice for when you come to your senses,” that shows your butt hurt and you’re perturbed. It sounds like you’ve been spending some time in the red pill community as well, because that’s what they all say.

Because those guys have a fear of not being good enough and not measuring up. “Oh, if I don’t get a virgin, she’s not going to want to stay with me, and she’ll just sleep with other guys.” They think if they get all these things on their side, then that’ll prevent them from getting dicked over by a ratchet chick. Meanwhile, they don’t do anything to improve themselves. They don’t do anything to improve their ability to pre-qualify women, and they keep attracting the same women over and over. And hence, they can continue to go,” All modern women suck.”

I’m just saying, if you’re going to get in the red pill community, just remember that. I just see the things, like a statement like that, “I’m not your second choice,” never say that. Just say, “Hey, give me a call if it doesn’t work out.”

I’m curious as to what you would do in terms of trying to rekindle things.

Well, after that last text, I don’t know that you’re going to hear from her again, because that’s like throwing a grenade in there. I would never say something like that. So, that was kind of stupid. But again, this is why you should read the book. You’ve been watching my videos for awhile and thinking that you’re too good and you don’t need the information, but you got dumped because you over pursued, and you obviously probably acted beta in other ways, and she lost respect and interest in you.

I do really like her, but I’m not even sure I want to, as if she came back and I took her back, she might think she can do this and talk to other guys down the line if we have any problems, as I would have taken her back once already. Any advice?

Well, you don’t really know because you dated her maybe a month and a half, two months. People can hide who they are for about the first 90 days. But keep in mind, she’s just out of a five year relationship, so she’s going to be a yo-yo. But you can’t overpursue a woman like that. If you overpursue a woman that’s right out of a relationship, you’re going to chase her right into another dude’s arms. It’s just a fact of life, whether you like it or not. It’s the way it is.

However, where I need the most advice Is my past. It’s a big problem…

It’s a big problem because you keep opening your fucking mouth and talking about it. That’s a problem. You’ve got to keep it to yourself. Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. You know, when the girl is bringing it up, “Oh, so-and-so, my friend told me…” it’s like, “Whatever. I don’t know who that is, but she sounds like she’s jealous because I didn’t want to go out with her, I didn’t want to sleep with her.” It’s like “I don’t sleep with every girl I go out with. I’m pretty selective.”

You just tell them,”Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. Anyway, how about them Yankees?” and change the subject. Make it obvious that you’re changing this subject, in a playful way. It’s just like, “Look, we just met. We’re getting to know each other. I don’t really want to know all the nitty gritty details of your past, and vice versa. It just never goes well.”

Again, you need to know, are you dating a girl that’s selective? That’s basically what you’re trying to determine. Does she value her sexuality, keep it to herself and only share it with guys that are worthy? Or is she just like the town bicycle? That’s kind of the gist of what you’re trying to figure out. Is she going to be loyal? Is she going to be faithful? Did she cheat on her exes? Did they cheat on her? These are all things you need to know.

…and makes it so hard to meet someone for something serious.

Love is playful and fun, not serious, by the way.

I’ve only ever been in long distance relationships before where people don’t bump into people who know me or slept with me and ruin things by putting doubts in their minds. Is there any way to overcome this when dating girls locally?

Keep your mouth shut. Stop telling everybody all of your business.

Or am I literally going to have to date girls who don’t live locally? Please help.

Thanks,

Bob

Keep it to yourself. “Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. I don’t sleep with all those girls. That’s ridiculous. I may have broken a few hearts back in the day, but I’m very selective about who I share myself with. And those girls are just mad, probably because I didn’t want to date them, or I dated their friend and not them. Girls are very catty and jealous, you know that.” You can tell them that. Say exactly those words to the girl and explain it away. But, at the end of the day, it’s not necessary for her to know every single woman you’ve been with or kissed or dated. Trust me, don’t be this guy.

But the guy that wrote the email, you’ve got to read the book, man. If you read the book, you’re going to connect a lot more of the dots and go, “Oh, yeah. I did that.” But the bottom line is, from what she said, from what you said, and what you both have done, you overpursued, you put her on a pedestal. You kissed her ass, you were extra nice.

Plus, you got involved with a girl who was right out of breakup. And then, when she backed off, it sounds like you chased her right out of your life. Especially when you went to overtexting and overpursuing right at the end. Remember, even after she broke up, she said, “Oh, you didn’t text enough.” But you admitted that you were texting way more than you normally would those last few weeks. That tells me she had all of the power and the leverage, and you didn’t.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.