My Wife Acts Like She’s Single. Is It Worth Saving?

What to do if your wife acts like she’s single, won’t change her behavior, and thinks you get jealous too easily.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email update from a viewer whose previous email I answered in the video newsletter titled, “My Wife & Her Male Orbiters.” She was constantly inviting attention from other men, especially male co-workers. Her behavior has not changed in the past year, despite their many conversations on the matter, him setting healthy boundaries, and her continuing to violate them.

She still acts like she’s single and continues to invite attention from other men. He’s asked her to move out but asks if there is any way to salvage the marriage. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

If you’ve you’ve been following me for a while, you’ve probably heard me say many times, people don’t change. They may become a better version of who they are, but typically they don’t change. Somebody who’s a liar and a cheater typically just becomes better at being a liar and a cheater and hiding their actions, so you can’t figure out what they’re doing. And so, he writes in a new email update. And that previous email was, “My Wife & Her Male Orbiters.” She’s inviting attention from other guys, especially co-workers. He would bring it up like, “Hey, that’s inappropriate.” And she’s like, “Oh, you just get jealous too easily.” He sets healthy boundaries, and she just continually violates them.

And so, recently, he told her that she needs to move out, because she’s still doing it. But he’s thinking, “Is it possible that this is going to change?” Because nobody wants to go through a divorce. I mean, breakups are bad enough, but a divorce, and on top of that, telling everybody, “Hey, we’re splitting up, and here’s why we’re splitting.” Everyone’s like, “Why? What happened? I thought you guys were so great.” It just sucks having to go through all of that, so you can understand, that’s the last thing you want to do. The last thing you’re thinking of when you’re getting married is getting a divorce.

And then you actually go through it, or go through the motions, or file, and especially once she gets an attorney, divorce attorneys make their money by keeping the conflict going. And so, if they can keep writing letters back and forth, especially if you’ve got kids and custody involved, they make a lot more money that way. And it’s in their interest to keep the conflict going, so they can drain your bank accounts. And then, they walk off with all of your money, and then you walk away hating each other. And if you had kids together, now you’ve got to deal with the consequences of basically making the divorce attorneys rich, or richer, I should say. And a lot of them, quite frankly, are just scumbags. But that’s the world we live in.

So, you can understand, for anybody that’s married, even when you see this just disgusting behavior with your supposed wife, who’s supposed to be your teammate, in essence, what this woman continues to do – she’s young, she’s in her early 20s still, because they got married when they were young – is she continues to act like she’s single. And so, she’s constantly giving guys the impression that she may be available. And she goes and hangs out, she has drinks with these dudes, and she creates the conditions where she allows these guys to think that they can possibly seduce her.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Corey,

I sent an email a couple months ago, which you responded to.

It was actually almost a year ago, I think it was like August of 2022, and we’re now in early June of 2023, so it’s almost a full year ago.

The video was brutally honest and made me change my perspective on our relationship. Since then, I have read your book twice and am working on a third.

Obviously, he’s talking about “3% Man.” Almost a year, and you still only got through it twice. Come on, dude.

I followed your instructions, but she only told me what I wanted to hear, and now I am in the same position.

So, he confronts her about it, she promised to change. “Oh, it won’t happen again.” Obviously, she just continued to do what she did before, because character is destiny. This is who she is.

Recently, I asked my wife to move out, and I just want to know your advice on if I should try to continue the marriage, should the opportunity arise, and if so, have I taken the correct steps?

Well, before you ever get to the point where you’re filing for divorce, you need to go talk to a divorce attorney who’s licensed to practice divorce law in your state. But just keep in mind, once you file, once your wife gets her attorney, then what that guy is going to try to convince her to do is get all kinds of things she’s probably not entitled to from a negotiation perspective.

They’re going to ask for way more than they expect to get. He’ll probably be asking for things that are absurd, which will probably piss you off, because you’re like, “Hey, it’s a civil marriage. We don’t have kids, we don’t have property together,” or whatever. But they make money by keeping the conflict going. So, just keep that in mind. Because, oftentimes, the guy ends up eating both attorneys’ bills, which is not fair, but the laws are the way they are. And people that live in the blue states, they keep voting for the same things.

That’s why, when people say, “Why haven’t you got married, Corey?” it’s because, number one, I don’t want to get married, I don’t have any desire to get married. I may someday maybe get married civilly, but I’m never going to involve the government in a relationship of mine again. It’s just totally unnecessary. And it doesn’t do anything to help the guy, legally, to protect his downside risk. It’s just that, the way most of the laws are written are all in favor of women, especially in the blue states.

My wife and I have been together for four years, married two. We married far too young, her being 19 and me 22.

Yeah, it is pretty young. But then again, my parents – this was in the 60s – they married each other. They were high school sweethearts. Obviously, it didn’t work out. My mother became mentally ill. And if you guys have read “Mastering Yourself,” you know how that turned out.

A year into our marriage, I caught her hiding and deleting messages with co-workers.

So, it wasn’t just one co-worker, it was multiple male co-workers.

A year later, I still catch her doing questionable things, despite her knowing I am against it. 

So, that tells me she doesn’t respect you and she doesn’t love you. And, quite frankly, she doesn’t give a damn. She’s going to do what she wants. Why? Because character is destiny. This is what her family taught her. So, it doesn’t matter what a good dude you are. She just has no integrity.

A few days ago, I heard that when she went out with her friend on her birthday, she disappeared, only to be found 30 minutes later at the bar with a guy. He was flirting, getting her drunk, and honestly, just trying to get lucky.

And she was enjoying the attention. This is not appropriate behavior for a woman who is committed to be in marriage, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, ’til death do us part. This is a girl who’s a fuck buddy, a friends with benefits, a party girl. She’s not wife material.

And this is why I keep telling guys that want to get married, you should date for several years, ideally even live together. Because if you don’t live together and then you get married, it’s like, at least if you live together and you can’t get along, you can move out and go your separate ways.

But there are states that have common law marriage. If you live together, like ten years, then you’re automatically considered married, and you have to go through the divorce process. So, if you live in one of those states where those laws exist, you might want to consider moving, or not living with anybody, or living close by. It’s just not worth it, especially if you’re going to do well and be successful.

I talked with her about everything. I told her that I was not okay with her going to bars with her single girlfriends without me anymore. She is claiming that I just want to control her.

You know, it’s respect. “The only reason you want to go to the bars with your single girlfriends is you want to talk to and you want to flirt with other guys. You’re not going there because you want to be a good model wife. You wouldn’t like it if I was going out with a bunch of my single guy friends and getting hit on by hot girls that wanted to take me home and were trying to convince me to take me home and sleep with them. You wouldn’t like that. And if we’re going to stay married, you’re just not going to do that.”

But obviously, after all this time, she continues to do it. She doesn’t see a problem with it. She tells you you’re being unreasonable. Therefore, your values are in conflict with one another. You know it’s inappropriate. I know it’s inappropriate. Every other guy knows it’s inappropriate for their wives to be doing these things, but she didn’t care.

You gave her your reasoning, and she says you’re jealous and insecure. This is just a woman that doesn’t have the character and the integrity to be a monogamous, committed wife. She’s a party girl. She’s a hookup girl. She’s just just not somebody you want as a girlfriend either. Because she’s just not loyal. She doesn’t value it.

She said that no matter what she does, I’m always going to find a reason to be jealous.

It’s like, “It’s not jealous, it’s called respect. And, obviously, you don’t respect me enough to not go out and act like you’re single. You wouldn’t like it if I did it, but you want to be able to do it. And then I bring it up and we talk about this, and you want to say I’m just being jealous. It’s like, No, I don’t trust you. You’re not giving me a reason to trust you. You’re not being loyal. You’re acting like a hoe. And I don’t want to be in a marriage with a hoe.”

I don’t think she can even acknowledge to herself that putting herself in these positions is wrong. After going in circles for about an hour and neither of us budging, she told me she just couldn’t be who I needed her to be.

“Oh, so loyalty is out of the question. Monogamy is out of the question for you. Okay, no problem. You’re a fuck buddy, friends with benefits, sex playmate. You’re not a wife material. You’re not girlfriend material. You’re just not capable of monogamy, and loyalty, and exclusivity. I’m glad we got that handled. So, from this point forward, I’m single and you’re single. You can do whatever you want, but you’re not bringing anybody back to my house that I paid for.”

So, I asked her to move out. She asked where she was supposed to go, and I replied, “I don’t know, but you can’t stay here anymore.”

It’s like, “Where am I supposed to go?” I’d be like, “You have shown me through your actions over the last couple of years that, in your mind, you’re single and you can go out with your single girlfriends, and flirt with guys, and let them buy you drinks, and let them think it’s okay to try to get in your pants, when your husband is at home waiting for you. And I don’t want to live like this, and I don’t want a wife that behaves this way”

“You see no problem with it, and after the last couple of years, you’ve gone around in circles about this. You’re not going to change, this is who you are. I want a loyal and faithful wife. You’re not capable of being that. You don’t share the same values where that could even be possible. It doesn’t matter what you say or what comes out of your mouth, I’ve seen your behavior over the last few years, and that tells me everything I need to know.”

I told her I didn’t want to sign papers for divorce until I’m done with this last semester of Paramedic school.

Quite frankly, I would get the divorce done as quickly as possible, because what happens if she gets knocked up, you slip one past the goalie, or somebody else knocks her up? Again, there are states where, if you’re married and your wife gets knocked up by somebody else, it doesn’t matter if it’s not your kid, the state will still make you support and raise the child. So, I don’t know where you live, but you better go talk to a divorce attorney and figure this shit out ASAP, dude.

I told her if she changes her mind in those three months, then she can call me and we can discuss it, but there will have to be big changes to our marriage dynamic. We haven’t talked in a week, and I will not reach out to her. I have given her every chance to change. 

People don’t change. They may become a better version of who they are, but they don’t change. In the last year, all we’ve really seen her do, since the last email that you sent almost a year ago, is that she may became a little better at hiding it, but quite frankly, nothing’s changed. She still thinks there’s nothing wrong with it. Deep down, she knows there is, but she thinks that you’re a pushover.

And quite frankly, she’s gotten away with it all of the time that you guys have been together. And if we look at her actions, her actions communicate her intent; her intent is to do whatever the hell she wants. So, you did the right thing by kicking her out and telling her to go on down the road, and she can date and screw whoever she wants. And if I was you, I’d get back out there and start dating and start screwing whoever the hell you want. Because this girl is not going to be loyal to you, or anybody for that matter.

Basically, I just want to know if this marriage is worth salvaging.

Well, all you have to do is bottom line her actions for the last year. You set healthy boundaries, and she’s violated them every single time. And the only thing left to do now is enforce them.

I don’t think that she has physically cheated on me.

Even if she did, she’s going to lie to you about it anyway. She’s isn’t going to tell you the truth, because she’s a liar.

But I think she has emotionally.

Well, again, she behaves like a girl that’s enjoying getting attention from other men, and she’s not going to stop. And if you want to have kids someday, you don’t want your wife out when you’re at home with the kids, you know, getting bent over in the the bathroom by Chad Thundercock. And then, she comes home to you, and the first thing she does is go right to take a shower to wash off his pecker tracks and everything else. This sucks, but she had her chance. You gave her tons of chances. She’s not going to change. She won’t change. She argues with you.

She is a good person at heart…

No, she’s not, dude. That’s delusional to think that way.

…but has never had an example of a healthy marriage.

That is not your problem, that’s not your fault. That’s her family’s fault. They raised her to be this way. Your job as a man is to recognize her behavior, and vet her properly, and recognize the fact that she’s not capable of loyalty, monogamy, ot exclusivity. She doesn’t respect you, she doesn’t respect herself. She doesn’t respect marriage, she doesn’t respect commitment, she doesn’t respect keeping her word. Again, these are the girls you hook up with – fuck buddy, friends with benefits, sex playmate – but you don’t ever marry them. No way. You don’t make them your girlfriend either. They’re just not going to be loyal.

I love her and things are great between us when this isn’t going on.

Well, it’s always going on, but you just don’t know about it. It’s in the times where you do find out about it that it really pisses you off and you have problems, but she continues to do it. She hasn’t stopped, and she won’t stop. She doesn’t want to stop.

But I know I deserve better.

It’s your life, you can do what you want. If it was me, I wouldn’t give her any more chances. I went back and I looked through the original email that you sent, and you guys can go look at that original video newsletter, see it for yourself, and read the email on the website, but it’s like, nothing’s changed. You’ve told her what you wanted, you told her what needed to change, and she just basically gave you the big hairy middle finger. She doesn’t care.

Should she come back, should I give her one last chance and demand a drastic change, or should I just move in with my life?

Bob

I would move on with my life and go find somebody else, because it’s obvious that your wife is determined to do what she wants to do. So, let her have her fun. Let her go out and hang out with Chad Thundercock, and get reamed up, rack out a high body count, whatever the hell she wants to do. This is part of the vetting process though. You have to be able to judge a woman’s character, to see signs like this that she’s doing these kinds of things.

This is why you shouldn’t get married right away either. Because people go and they get all emotional and they get married or move in after a few months of knowing each other, and then this behavior comes out. And then they’re married. Like, they run off and get married right away, and they never took the time to vet them, because they were in La-La Land, because they were still infatuated when they got married and were just completely ignoring the red flags that are there.

And once that wears off, then you realize, “Man, I basically turned a hoe into a housewife.” It’s like, you can’t fix that, you can’t work with that. It’s not your fault. I mean, you didn’t vet her properly, but it’s not your fault for her behavior. Her behavior is on her and her family. Your job as a man is to recognize this is who she is. You want loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity. She’s not capable of giving that to you. And, quite frankly, in an indirect way, she’s basically told you she’s not going to give that to you. She doesn’t want to change. She wants to be a party girl. She wants to go out with her single girlfriends and party like a rock star. Let her.

Go find a woman who has the same values as you. It’s your life, you can do whatever you want, but if it was me, I would have dipped out last year. I wouldn’t have put up with it. But you do, you boo boo. I’m just saying, it didn’t change then, and it obviously hasn’t changed yet. And as Gerald Celente from the Trends Research Institute says, “current events form future trends.” She’s still behaving exactly the same way that she was a year ago when you wrote me that first email.

So, if we look at her actions, it’s obvious she doesn’t care. Like you said, she told you what you wanted to hear, and then she continued to be who she really was. Simple as that. As Maya Angelou said, “When somebody tells you or shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” We should have believed her last summer. You gave her the benefit of the doubt, she still didn’t change, and now you’re like, “Well, should I give her another chance?” It’s like, no, I would not. But you do you.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.